TW: more (b)(s)ad vibes?!?!?!
James watched Brigitte lean her head against Lily, their hair an integration of auburn to light blonde, spilling like rays of sunlight from the sky. James and Lily had entered into a mutual peace post breakup (much to the relief of Brigitte and Remus), a careful understanding that while their best friends needed them, they would endure each other's presence.
They didn't hate each other, not at all. But there was something raw, the way it had all played out. They couldn't help but think that in another universe, as different people under different circumstances they could've been perfect.
But alas, in this one, they fit like puzzle pieces from opposite sets. If you jammed them together hard enough, they stuck. But ultimately, they belonged elsewhere. They could not complete each other.
Lily's fingers pinched a bit of blonde, twirling it between her fingers as though she were spinning delicate spools of gold. Brigitte had her eyes closed, and slowly her breathing evened out with her cheek pressed against Lily's shoulder.
She'd woken up with a bad fever, so everyone abandoned their usual posts to supervise. She hardly did anything other than sleep, but Remus allowed James to drag him away from his bed so he could watch her anyway.
"Hey, moony?" James asked quietly, watching the two sigh in perfect harmony.
Remus marked the page of his book with his finger. "Yes, James?"
James sighed, his hand propped to support his jaw. "How come she never looks at me like that?"
Remus doesn't even need to ask who he's referring to. "Like how?"
"The way she looks at Lily." His lips were pressed together, eyebrows creased with a gentle frown. Remus could tell he wasn't genuinely upset. Just an odd sort of petulant reckoning that only applies to James Potter and individuals under 8 years of age.
"They're best friends, James." Remus stretched his sore back, stood up, and gently removed the book from Lily's hands. "Of course, they'll look at each other like that."
"Like what?" James leaned forward, looking him in the eye.
"Like she's her entire world."
James sighed again, causing Remus to snort under his breath.
He gave him a reproachful look. "What?"
"Nothing," Remus said airily. "You don't have to look so sad, you know. You've got one of those as well."
"One of what?"
"A best friend. A whole world confined in a single person. Sirius."
Just the name alone seemed to make James perk up. But something deflated, too. James had not spoken to Sirius since The Prank. He refused every advance Sirius made in the dorms and after classes, even though people were beginning to talk.
"Sirius," he repeated, curiously, as his vision darkened again. No, he hated Sirius. What he did was unforgivable. But he didn't broach the subject. "But what about you, moony? Who do you have?"
Remus paused for a moment, then shrugged. The easy answer would've been Peter, but the truth was that there was no one he would love the way James loved Sirius. And no one who loved him that way, either. It felt like a rusty knife was being plunged into his gut, saying it out loud.
If James were a man of weaker morals, it would've been Sirius he was spending his free afternoon with, not Remus. And boy, did James want Sirius. Just the mention of his name was enough to send him through the air, then crashing into the earth. Remus wondered how long James could endure this torture, of willingly withholding himself from his other half. He wondered how long James could even survive. Sirius was his lungs, his water, his very breath. Only a cruel man would deprive James of Sirius.
Remus didn't want to be a cruel man. He didn't make James choose, tried to change James's mind when he said stubbornly that he wouldn't leave him, would never leave him for Sirius.
He feels cruel, anyway.
"I've got myself, I s'ppose."
That seemed to make James genuinely sad. "Oh, moony. Do we exclude you? Or Pete?"
"No," he said simply. "No, I think sometimes you just have people you adore more than others. And there's nothing I can do, anyway. But that's okay. I don't mind."
The truth was that sometimes he did mind. He often minded very much. But he knew that even if James and Sirius suddenly let him in on every one of their secrets, let him tag along with every plot and scheme, it still wouldn't be the same. He simply did not fit in their two-planet galaxy.
That was okay. He'd have to be satisfied making revolutions in their gravitational field, a moon orbiting its planet.
Funny, how Remus becomes the thing he most despises. There's definitely a metaphor there, somewhere.
James frowned. That answer didn't satisfy him, as answers rarely do with James Potter. But he swallowed his plethora of placations and useless validation, and wrapped his arm around moony's arms, squeezing him tightly until his head fell against his shoulder.
"James," Remus said, stifling a laugh. "What are you doing?"
"Shhh," James whispered, covering his eyes with his hands. "You want me to play with your hair?"
Remus sighed. "You are aware we look fucking foolish?"
"I always look foolish," James responds, trying to mimic Lily's agile fingers very clumsily. He leans in, as if he's about to tell Remus a delightful secret. "You're brilliant, moony. Really."
Remus closed his eyes. "Don't I know it."
Funnily enough, he does know it. And it makes him warm.
********
The first thing Brigitte does when she's released from the Hospital Wing is light a spliff. She takes a slow inhale, feeling the smoke fill her lungs, melt away some of the tension she holds in her shoulders.
Then she heads straight to the library and checks out every book she can find relating to OWLs preparation. She shoves them all into her satchel, carrying it up the stairs by its bottom because she has little faith in its splitting seams.
The Common Room is almost entirely deserted when she gets there, save for Mary and Remus who are writing frantically, cigarettes in hand. Remus instantly grins when he sees her.
"Glad you're finally out," he said, eagerly, "do you have a class soon? Have you eaten? Lunch just ended, I'll go down to the kitchens with you if you'd like."
"I have Transfiguration in an hour, I might go upstairs and for a quick kip before then," she says, accepting Mary's warm hug.
"Oh, look at you!" Mary cries, teasingly, "You're so British now, talking about taking a kip and all that! We're rubbing off on you! Oh, and let me know if you need my notes, love."
Brigitte nodded, accepting the Mars bars Remus presses into her palms and slinging her satchel over her shoulder.
When she gets to her dorm, it's so familiar and well-missed that she allows herself a moment to simply take it all in.
********
Remus hates having to share a room with Sirius. Remus also hates Sirius, hates every breath he takes, how he's constantly trying to get a moment to spew his ceaseless apologies. He hates that there are dark circles are Sirius's eyes, hates that he looks as empty as Remus feels, hates that he can't fucking hate Sirius properly, because he loves him.
"Remus," Sirius tries again, wringing his hands together. His voice is breaking, and with it, his heart. "Remus, please. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. C'mon moony, just talk to me. Please."
Remus, as usual, makes no indication of having heard him. He turns the page. James is at Quidditch Practice, and Peter is busy shoving his tongue down Amelia Bones's throat. Remus hopes he knows that he should be wary for her brother, Edgar, who is surely not going to like this news.
Sirius wonders if Remus understands that he's driving him mad. Surely he does, with his measured, contemplative gaze. As though he's seeing right through him, thinking about what he's plans for tomorrow involve.
"I'm sorry," he repeats, over and over again, like he can beat it into Remus's head, let it permeate all the barricades he's put up. He's begging to no avail. "Remus, I'm sorry. Look at me, please, just for a moment. Please."
Remus gets up and leaves, like there's an irksome fly buzzing around, interrupting his reading.
When he's gone, Sirius cries, and Remus does, too.
********
"I'm sorry, James," Sirius sobs, again and again, begging for mercy. "I am so fucking sorry."
They're in the empty common room. James clenches his jaw, gripping the table until his knuckles turn white.
Sirius won't stop apologizing, won't stop pleading for a response.
With every word he says, every whimper that leaves his mouth, James feels himself grow angrier, until he can't take it anymore.
"How fucking dare you," he seethes, hot tears stinging in his eyes.
Then suddenly, he's shouting, "How fucking dare you!" His fist slamming against the table so hard that Sirius flinches, hands flying to cover his face. That is when James feels bad, but he does not stop.
"You could've killed all of us," he says, burning his glare into Sirius's terrified gaze. "You didn't give a fuck. You sold us out, you sold Remus out so you could have your cheap laugh. Well, do you find this funny, Black? Are you laughing now? Ha, ha, right?"
Sirius doesn't respond. James lets out an incredulous laugh. "Was it worth it, us for a chance to get back at Snape? Does that make you feel good inside, give you satisfaction knowing that Snivellous won't be a problem anymore?"
He doesn't say anything, just sits there, numb to it all. It's like getting hit with wave after wave, unable to catch your breath, drifting further and further into nothing. He tries to focus on James's words, berate himself as James does, but he is grasping at wisps of smoke, unable to truly hold anything. He blinks mechanically, breathes, but he is not there.
"And why the fuck did you bring Brigitte into this?" Suddenly James is shouting again, obscured by such a blind rage that he can feel his heart popping out of his chest. "You-you could've killed her. I know you hated each other. But god, Sirius, you could have at least fucking tried."
With that, he leaves the room, door slamming behind him with a furious echo.
********
"James," Brigitte says softly, contemplative. "Are you afraid of spiders?"
He wants to point out the fact that they've gone past surnames, gloat at her oversight, but he stops when he sees her gentle frown. She's tired. Anyone can see it.
"Yes," he says, his tone slow and measured. He places a tender hand on her arm. She looks up, feels the slow surge of warmth rushing through her bloodstream. His hand is tanned and soft, thick veins criss crossing the backs like streams breaking away from it's river. "I wasn't before, but I am now."
"Good," she says flatly. "Because now I'm afraid too."
James hums in agreement, watching her frown deepen. She looks so unhappy it's started to form a pout against her lips.
"I wasn't afraid of spiders. Before- before it." She looks at him cautiously. "I used to love them, in fact. They had- they had so, so many legs, and eyes and they- and they paralyzed their victims, and- and- and spun them into webs, and they were so cute."
She's choking on her words, her chest tightening uncomfortably, tears pricking in her eyes. She looks up at the ceiling, hopes that if she calibrates her gaze high enough, her tears will vanish as suddenly as they came.
"I'm afraid of them now," she says, and her voice cracks. James's heart fucking hurts when he hears it break, causing her to let out a quiet exhale and cover her quivering lips, her eyes fixed on the ceiling. "I don't want to be afraid of spiders."
"Brigitte," James says quietly, "can I hug you?"
She shakes her head, wrapping her arms protectively around herself. She's looking anywhere but at him, eyes darting around wildly.
"Okay," he says gently. "Okay, Brigitte."
"They keep appearing when I go to bed," she whispers, hoarsely. "And I'm scared of the dark. Oh Merlin, James, it's so scary when it's dark."
"I know," he says, "god, I know."
Tears are slowly beginning to trickle down her cheeks. She merely lets them fall, blinking through wet lashes.
But the most peculiar thing is that she doesn't make a sound when she cries. Not a single, hitching breath. Her neck is flexed taut at the effort of absorbing her sobs, lips sealed tightly. It's a horrible thing to watch, like she's strangling herself.
James carefully raises his hand to her face, and when she doesn't flinch away, gently wipes her tears away with his sleeve. "Don't do that, let it out."
"They-" she chokes and instantly presses the back of her hand against her mouth, biting down hard. James's brow furrows.
"You're okay," he says quietly, gently grabbing her by the wrist. He tugs at it, wordlessly telling her to stop. "Come on, you're okay. You're safe."
She slowly lowers her hand, shiny from saliva and red with deep indents. "Th-they used to get upset with me for crying."
James frowned. "Upset how?"
She shrugged, slowly raising her hand to her mouth. He stopped her again, this time tugging lightly at her sleeve.
"Did they punish you?"
She was silent, eyes searching for something that wasn't there.
"Brigitte?"
"Spiders don't have three body parts like the typical insect," she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper. She lets out a quiet hiccup, barely noticeable until she tries to bite herself again. James places his hands over hers, and at first they twitch under the gentle pressure, but then they're still. "They have two, called tagmata. There's the cephalothorax and the opisthosoma."
"That's really cool, Brigitte," he responds. She doesn't seem to notice this, nodding aimlessly.
"The assassin spider is the only exception," she continues, her gaze finally flickering over his. "It's long neck divides its cephalothorax into two."
"You know a lot about spiders."
"I loved them," is her response.
Then her face crumples.
"Oh, no, love," he whispers, trying to soothe her. He feels as though someone has just stabbed him straight through the heart. "You're okay. Alright? You are safe."
She looks at him with tear stained cheeks.
"James?"
He repositions his hands over hers. "Yeah?"
She draws in a shuddering breath.
"Can you hug me now?"
"Okay," he breathes, bringing his body towards hers, wrapping his arms firmly around her, creating a firm barricade between her and the world. "Okay, Brigitte."
"Okay," she whispers, as her body shakes with muffled sobs.
Okay.
(They are not).
I, too, am not okay 😀
Anyway, this chapter is written after my first day of high school (fourth year in Hogwarts terms????)!!! I already hate it here it's too scary and big 😭😭😭
anywayyysss, some things to address:
TW!!!
1. Brigitte being unable to cry out loud comes from me. Idk if this happened to anyone else but when I was younger my parents would yell at me when they could hear me crying so I learned to smother my crying even if I was full on sobbing. idk if I described it well enough but basically she would like hold her breath so when she sobbed and like gasped for air she like... wouldn't??? idk I have no way to explain it and idk if it's something only I've done or not but yeah
2. Brigitte biting herself also comes from me. we're starting to notice a pattern here, folks. Idk why, but when I'm bored or crying or mad or sad or something I just... bite myself? I think it has to do with the pressure, it feels really good to me for some reason. since I do it, I decided our girly Brigitte has to do it with me
3. JAMES STOPPING HER FROM BITING HERSELF IS LITERALLY THE SWEETEST THING EVER LIKE I WAS LEGIT SQUEALING WHILE WRITING THAT BIT BC AHSIDJLAJSLDKJSLKDJLSKDJLSKJLK. okay, I understand that part of that is because I want someone to do that to me. but it's cute nonetheless, ok 😭😭??
4. there is absolutely no way James and Brigitte escaped the forest and were just okay. mentally, I mean. even when Brigitte is talking about how she's afraid of the dark and James is like, "I know. God, I know." I was thinking about poor James and the fact that he'd refuse to show how affected he was by the forest bc then Remus would blame himself for it :((((((. Also, I think some of y'all will find the spider thing a little random, but I kinda like how it adds insight into her as a person. She doesn't reveal much about herself, and I think her first telling James a spider fact is a sign that she trusts him, in some way. and also she was under no small amount of distress.
5. alsooooo (this authors note is about to be longer than the mf chapter), I LOVE when pics have the whole "can I hug you?" but I think it's also important so show characters NOT wanting to be hugged. obv in the end James does hug her, but I think her being able to set up that boundary and say that she doesn't want to be touched in that moment in time is incredibly important. physical touch, for some, may cause more discomfort than comfort. I also like how James wasn't hurt by this, or didn't try to force it. he understands that she needed was not to be hugged, so he didn't. every touch he initiated after that was done carefully and gently, and if she wanted to move away, she could've done that very easily.
also the first bit where Brigitte and lily are bestie cuddling and James and Remus are having a deep conversation and then James is just like, "Remus if it helps you not feel left out I can play with your hair too". And then remus is like "wtf James we look stupid." and then James is like "I always look stupid :)" >>>>
JAMES CALLED HER LOVE!!! DO YOU THINK HE REALIZED IT??? more importantly, do you think Brigitte realized it?
y'all do not ask me where Peter is through all of this he took a sabbatical or something ok 😭😭😭😭😭😭
I felt bad but he's having fun with Susan bones in a broom closet somewhere so dw y'all he's still kicking
anyway byeee loves sorry for writing like five paragraphs about every minuscule interaction between James and Brigitte
updates might slow down now that I'm back in school, we'll see
ALSO Y'ALL HAVE BEEN SO NICE IN THE COMMENTS I LITERALLY CANNOT Y'ALL HAVE BEEN MAKING ME CRY
<3333