Inspired by Community S3E8: "Documentary Filmmaking: Redux."
Leo POV [Documentary]
The camera fades in on the study group in their natural habitat: Study Room Nine. Everyone is sitting in their usual seats, except for Leo, who is working behind the camera with Travis Stoll, his cameraman, and Jake Mason, the guy with the boom mic.
"Leo, what is it with the documentary thing again? In your words, that is so last season," Piper says. In true documentary fashion, a textbox appears under her face that labels her as PIPER, with the subtitle, NEW ROOMMATE.
"Yeah, man, I know it's fun, but you don't usually do the same thing twice," Jason says. His textbox says, JASON: BEST FRIEND
"I know," Leo says from off-screen, "but this is for my documentary certificate requirements."
"Why would a mechanical engineering major need a documentary certificate?" Annabeth asks from the other side of the study table. A textbox appears across her jacket that says, ANNABETH: NUTCASE.
"I'm close to earning it anyway with last year's documentary and all the movies I watch," Leo says. "Just go along with it. Act natural."
Travis zooms in and does a pan across the study table, showing the confused looks of Leo's friends.
"When's it due?" HAZEL: EXCELLENT BAKER asks.
"By the time I graduate," Leo replies.
"So why'd you pick today?" she asks.
The truth? Leo doesn't know. "I just feel like something's going to happen."
The door opens, so the camera crew spins around to reveal the visitor.
"Good morning, New Rome Seven!" DEAN D: THE DEAN asks.
"What do you want, Dean?" PERCY: PROVOKES THE NUTCASE asks.
Dean D puts a DVD into Annabeth's computer from the Jurassic Age. The group sits and stares at each other in silence while it loads, a mutual agreement to entertain Dean D and send him on his way as soon as possible.
Soon, a tacky commercial older than Leo starts to play.
"Why did I choose New Rome Community College?" a guy wearing a bucket hat and flashy parachute pants asks.
"My typing class is totally tubular!" says a girl with Madonna-esque hair and crazy big shoulder pads.
Then, an African American guy and a blonde girl say in unison, "Meeting new people!" They embrace. It's horrible. It's cheesy. It's... It's from the 80s.
The dean looks the same, except instead of a leopard print shirt, he's wearing a zebra print shirt. Wow, so he mixed it up since then. "And now, you can fax your enrollment forms at the number below!" The number below is written in yellow comic sans.
That was the single worst commercial Leo's ever seen in his life, and he watches a lot of television.
Dean D ejects the DVD and then turns to the group again. "We've been given two-thousand dollars to film a new and updated commercial for New Rome, and since you are conveniently diverse, I've chosen you to assist in this project."
FRANK: LACTOSE INTOLERANT asks, "What exactly would you have us doing?"
Dean D says, "I have some roles that need filling, and I could use someone smart to work out the numbers since I spent the majority of the budget on a fake leopard head for my office."
"You what?" Piper asks.
"Yeah, I could use some help hooking it up to my Amazon Alexa so I can get it to sing 'Hips Don't Lie.'"
"Are we allowed to listen to Shakira?" Frank asks. "I thought we canceled her for committing tax evasion..."
Dean D scratches his hair or lack thereof. "Just... Meet me in the dining hall around two today. Leonard, can you film and edit this thing?"
"No thanks," says Leo. "We're working on a documentary, and I think this commercial is going to be the perfect topic."
"Meta," Annabeth notes.
"Meta indeed," Leo agrees.
Percy folds his hands behind his head. "Well, I guess if Leo's filming a documentary, I'm in."
"I'm always down for another student activity," Jason says.
"I'm in if Percy and Jason are in," says Frank.
"Annabeth and I are in too. Piper?" Hazel asks.
Annabeth sits up. "Wait, I never said-"
"Thank you, ladies," says the dean.
Travis zooms the camera in on Piper, who asks, "Will there be catering?"
"No, do you remember the part where I said I spent almost all of the budget on a leopard head?" Dean D asks.
"I'll be in my trailer until you can get me that," says Piper.
"We don't have... You know what, never mind."
Day One of Filming
About $400 under budget
The camera zooms in on Dean D and Jason, who has assumed the role of the dean's personal assistant and script supervisor, even though neither of them understands what the latter means. The closest thing Dean D got to catering is a couple of subs from Safeway and a fruit bowl, but Piper is missing in action. Who doesn't love a fruit bowl?
The camera crew closes in on Jason's director-style chair so that Leo can begin the confessional.
"So, Jason," Leo starts, "tell us a bit about your involvement in the commercial."
Jason pushes his glasses higher up on his nose and says, "I'm the script supervisor, and with a quick Google, I found out that means I make sure people stick to the script and follow through on the dean's vision."
"Are you disappointed that you didn't get cast in the commercial?"
"Am I disappointed that I didn't get cast? Not necessarily. After thinking it through, I realized that I'm basically the star," Jason says.
"Do you know where Piper is?" Leo asks.
Jason shrugs. "Nobody's heard from her all morning. I'm starting to worry."
The camera pans over to the others, Hazel, Frank, Annabeth, and Percy, who are reciting their lines to each other.
"Meeting new people..." Annabeth reads. "Do I really have to hug Seaweed Brain?"
"Why is that the one thing from the ancient commercial he keeps?" Percy squints at the script. "He could have at least put this in a larger font."
Frank buttons his leopard-print shirt, ready for his role as the dean. "I can't believe this."
The camera cuts to footage of Frank giving a confessional. Mitchell does his makeup while Frank speaks to Leo and the documentary crew.
"Make it super exaggerated and moderately offensive, okay?" Frank asks Mitchell.
"Can you tell us what you're going for in your portrayal of Dean D?" Leo asks.
Frank shrugs. "I've never really done anything mean before, but I figured if I did a terrible enough job, Dean D might just use my understudy and I won't have to be in the commercial."
The camera pans over to Octavian, who is also sporting a leopard-print shirt and a fake beard.
Dean D bursts into the room with Jason following closely behind. "I hope you're ready for your close-up, Junior Dean!"
"Oh, I sure am, Dean B!" Frank says, purposely messing up the dean's name.
"Perfect already! This commercial is going to be a masterpiece!"
Jason Grace looks into the camera and then follows the dean back out the classroom door.
Frank sighs and turns his attention back to Leo. "So I think my plan might take a little more time than I anticipated, but that's okay. I haven't even started to belch Diet Coke yet or disrespect marginalized communities."
That much is true, but how high is Dean D's tolerance? Can Frank's plan to escape production prevail?
Day Three of Filming
On budget
The camera shows several shots before beginning today's session. Dean D is sitting in his expensive director's chair holding a megaphone. His sweatsuit is oddly reminiscent of Sue Sylvester from the hit television series Glee. Jason stands next to him in a matching sweatsuit set. Because Travis and Jake are busy filming Leo's project, Lou Ellen and Malcolm are on Dean D's camera crew.
Piper McLean, the actor's daughter, is still missing in action.
The camera finally settles on Frank, who is performing lines in front of a statue of Phil Swift, CEO of Flex Seal and inventor of various other Flex products such as Flex Tape, Flex Shot, and Flex Glue.
Frank finishes a can of Diet Coke and then belches before saying, "Here at New Rome Community College—hic!—students are exposed to a wide array of viewpoints. For example, is a taco a sandwich if you eat it in a crunchy shell?"
He continues to ask dumb questions like these until the dean wipes some crumbs off his tracksuit and calls "Cut!"
Frank rakes his hand through his hair. "Gee, I'm sorry I can't get you quite right, Dean D. I guess you are one-of-a-"
"Absolutely perfect," Dean D says. "Don't you dare change a thing!"
The camera fades in on Hazel, who is playing the part of a single mom, even though she doesn't look like a mother in the slightest. She stands in front of a gray marble backdrop with a desk to her left, and Grover Underwood wearing a motion-capture suit to her right.
"Cut!" Dean D calls. "Really, people, what is that?"
Grover stands up. "What am I supposed to be again?"
Jason reads from the dean's notes. "You're a dancing laptop computer."
"Got it, Gary?" the dean asks. "How hard is it to be a dancing laptop computer?"
Grover adjusts his arms under his crutches. "Well, I'm a guy on crutches wearing a morph suit with pin-pong balls on it, so I'd say it's not the easiest job I've ever been given. Did you say this counts for my math credit?"
"This counts for your literature credit," Jason supplies. He takes a long drink from a cup of coffee.
"Action!" calls the dean.
Grover pats his hands on his thighs, moving into a hand jive while Hazel delivers her lines.
"I was born and raised in West Philadelphia," Hazel starts. "I spent most of my days relaxing outside the school playing basketball."
Grover loses a crutch whilst throwing it back.
"One day, a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in my neighborhood," Hazel continues, struggling to keep a straight face while Grover transitions into a batusi dance.
"I got in one little fight, and my mom got scared, so I moved out here to New Rome Community College. Here, campus safety is the top priority. If I ever need help-"
"Cut!" the dean calls.
Grover groans as he tries to pick up his crutch.
Dean D presses his hand to his chin. "Helga... Helga, Helga, Helga..."
"It's Hazel."
"Whatever. Can you try delivering those lines differently? Perhaps, like... more urban?"
Jason takes off his glasses and squeezes the bridge of his nose, something Leo has learned indicates his frustration.
Hazel knits her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"
"I mean sassy, dammit!" the dean shouts.
Hazel looks at the camera with wide eyes. In the background, Grover falls over, and Ellis has to help him back to his feet.
"I have a question about the script," she asks.
"Yes?" Jason seems to assume that as script supervisor, he should know the answers to these questions.
"Do we need to get permission to use content from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song?"
Dean D cuts in. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Helga."
The camera fades in on Frank, who is taking bites from the Chic-Fil-A platter the dean bought him as a thank-you gift for his excellent performance. Frank speaks to someone on the phone in a hushed tone, but it's okay because Jake manages to get his boom mic close enough to hear Frank's message.
"Yes, they're planning to use Mr. Swift's face without his permission," Frank whispers. "You'd better get someone from legal here right away."
The camera fades to black, but with a tacky star transition that Travis insisted on using. He wants all the viewers to know it was not a paid feature and did not contribute to the sudden jump over the commercial's budget, although by the time filming wraps, nobody will be able to trace where the money has gone.
Day Four of Filming
$1,000 over budget
Yep, that's right. In less than twenty-four hours, the dean's project surpassed its original budget by fifty percent. Why?
Also, Piper McLean is still absent. We now know the reason.
"Oh my god, Jason, just suck it up!" Annabeth shouts as she drops the sample from her COVID-19 test into the sample bowl on her test card. Quickly, she loops her black disposable mask around her ears.
Jason wipes a tear away from his eyes. "I can't do it! Oh, god, it's awful! I'm tearing up!"
"You've already wasted two tests! Don't make me come over there!"
Percy, helpful as ever, shouts, "Yes! I don't have COVID!"
"Great," says Will Solace. "You may now sign the card for Piper, using your own pen, of course."
Percy shuffles over to the desk where a get well soon card for Piper lies. Everyone takes turns signing it with inspirational messages unless they test positive for COVID. So far, the commercial production crew has been lucky. Unfortunately, Travis came down with COVID, so Leo's his own cameraman now.
Leo turns the camera back to Jason and Annabeth.
"That's another one, Jason! C'mon, these tests are hella expensive in third-world countries!" Annabeth shouts.
"Don't guilt me into shoving that up my nose!"
"I thought you already took one of these when you got sick last year!"
"That was on a spit test!" Jason sticks the swab up his nose but pulls it away as soon as the cotton disappears. He's struggling.
Annabeth crosses her arms. "That's it! Will, hold him down!"
"Yes, ma'am!" Will grabs Jason's arms and pins them behind the chair.
Annabeth tilts Jason's head back and stuffs the little swab up his nose and stirs that pot until his eyes start to water.
"There," she says, extracting the sample into the liquid tube. "Now we just have to wait for fifteen minutes."
"Shoot," Nico di Angelo says from the far side of the makeshift testing sight.
People back away, afraid of contracting the coronavirus.
"I'm negative," he says. "I don't have COVID. Damn, I wanted off this set."
Jason stares in awe at the tiny stick determining whether or not filming this commercial is a student activity he'll be able to continue with. "Script Supervisor" is probably a leadership position employers might like to see. Or maybe it isn't. Leo doesn't know a ton about potential employers. You won't catch him in the career office. That place smells like Funyons and sadness.
Will stands on a chair and addresses the room. "A friendly reminder!" He's gained the attention of the entire set now. "Masks are now mandatory for all on set. You are only permitted to take your mask off if you are shooting a scene, or doing an interview with Leo's documentary crew." He glances at Leo's camera. "Snacks must now be individually packaged. Hand-washing is a must; please find your free hand sanitizer from the 2020 Safe-Sex Fair over by the baked potato bar, which is now our COVID-19 testing station. Remember, as Troy Bolton once said, we're all in this together."
Everybody groans at that last part, but a few people do grab their free hand sanitizers, even though they're banana-scented with pictures of suggestive emoji hands on them.
The camera fades out as Will puts his mask back on and joins Nico in the COVID-19 testing station. Morale is low, but not because of COVID. Morale is low because as soon as COVID cases go up, the baked potato bar in the dining hall has to go away, and everyone loves the baked potato bar.
Leo zooms in on Annabeth and Percy, who are practicing their part in the commercial. They have been practicing for a long time. Both have dark circles under their eyes, and no longer seem fully there.
"To meet new people," Percy and Annabeth say in unison. Then, they perform the infamous interracial hug.
"Cut!" the dean shouts. "From the top!"
Annabeth sighs before joining Percy in another chorus of "To meet new people." They embrace stiffly and joylessly.
"The bulldog that lives in the vents could do better!" Dean D yells.
"To meet new people!" Annabeth and Percy hug, close to tears this time.
But it's still not good enough.
"C'mon, we have to erase centuries of racism, people!"
"To meet new people!" Annabeth and Percy are pretty much supporting each other's weight at this point. They can no longer stand individually. They have been doing this for six hours.
"I have to pee," Percy complains between sobs.
"Me too," Annabeth whispers. "Me too."
Day Six of Filming
$1,400 over budget
The camera peers into Dean D's office. Through the blinds, the viewer can see him frantically pacing in a new leopard-print tracksuit. Leo zooms the camera in on that fake leopard head the dean bought off the internet using the school's commercial budget because he thinks it's cool. Then, he focuses on the plot at hand.
"Yes, Mr. Swift," says the dean. "We had no intention of using any Flex products in our commercial, but we could be convinced with some financial support from your company-"
There's a pause while Phil Swift, CEO of Flex Seal and inventor of other Flex products such as Flex Tape, Flex Shot, and Flex Glue, speaks his mind.
"I see," the dean says. He pauses to listen to the other line.
"Yes," Dean D agrees.
"Uh-huh..."
Finally, he smiles. "Wow! A real celebrity in my commercial!" Then, he tones down his excitement. "I mean, wow. A real celebrity in my commercial... that sounds... manageable."
The camera cuts to black because the viewer doesn't deserve to hear Leo panting into Jake's boom mic whilst running after Dean D through the halls of the Big House, out across the quad, and back into the student union.
Leo turns the camera back on when he reaches the dining hall-turned-movie-studio.
Dean D tries to balance himself on a folding chair, but after one step, realizes that it will not support him. Instead, he opts to deliver his speech from the ground. "Attention brats! I mean students! We will be scrapping all of the previous footage! This commercial needs to be Phil Swift-worthy!"
Sherman Yang drops his burrito.
Katie Gardner throws up into an individually packaged bag of Goldfish.
"That's right!" says Dean D. "Everyone come and see me and my script supervisor Mr. Chase here for their new parts. Except for you Peter Johnson and Annabelle Face. You two keep practicing that hug!"
"I hate him..." Annabeth groans, her arms still around Percy's torso.
With his head buried in Annabeth's shoulder, Percy says, "Speaking as a representative of the Latino community, I think we cured racism..."
The camera cuts to another interview with Frank, who is less than committed to his part as the Dean.
"I mean, how much longer am I going to have to wear this ridiculous outfit?" Frank asks, picking at the buttons on his leopard-print shirt. "Like, a day or two tops, right?"
Day Ten of Filming
$9,468 over budget
The camera cuts to an interview with a much more tired-looking Frank. However, Frank hasn't shot a scene since Day Five of filming. He has been dressed as Dean D for about a week and a half, and it's starting to get to him.
"I'm a fat middle-aged man who spends precious school funding on leopard heads named Seymour," Frank says to himself. "I've always been a Diet Coke addict with a receding hairline who spends precious school funding on leopard heads named Seymour."
The camera shows Leo at the interview seat, except his head is chopped off because there's nobody else to hold the camera. Leo's textbox description reads LEO: THE ORIGINAL MCSHIZZLE.
"Classes have been canceled for filming," Leo says. "This, I believe, is the dean's first major mistake. Everyone on campus is contributing to this. The laser tag club is doing special effects. The cosplay club is making costumes. The Mars Coed Fraternity is doing all the heavy lifting. The shoot is almost ten thousand dollars over budget."
"Do you think it'll get worse?" Jake's muffled voice asks.
"Absolutely. I do."
Some soundless footage is spliced together as we transition to the next interview. Annabeth and Percy are still hugging in front of a camera. Frank is drinking Diet Coke. Connor Stoll is now playing the role of a frog amid a dissection. Instead of borrowing lines from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song, Hazel is rapping it word for word. She cannot rap well.
Leo zooms in on Jason, who has agreed to give an interview underneath a stairwell, where the dean won't be able to hear him speak illy of the commercial. His glasses are crooked, his hair is overgrown, and Leo has knowledge that he now wears those Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts because his director-style chair still hasn't arrived.
Jason leans his elbow against the side of the stairwell and listens for Dean D before beginning his manic interview.
"Okay," Jason says at last. "I've come to the logical conclusion that Dean D has to be a creative genius." He points upwards for emphasis. "I mean, better than Don Hertzfeldt, Steven Spielberg, Dan Harmon, the Russo Brothers... You get the idea."
Someone has to ask, so it might as well be Leo. "And if he isn't a creative genius?"
Jason takes a deep breath. "Then I have been devoting countless hours of my life to a complete idiot." He paces back and forth across the floor, marking his script with a mechanical pencil.
"Is there anything else you'd like to say?"
"This is the single worst student activity I've ever joined."
Leo wants to object to that statement, not because he's having fun witnessing the dean's "creative genius," but because nobody volunteered for this. Everyone was drafted from the safety of their classes.
The camera fades to black as Day 10 comes to a close.
Day Twelve
$12,000 over budget
Footage of business as usual on campus is compiled together under Leo's monologue. Scenes include Percy and Annabeth hugging with some help from the creative genius of Dean D, Grover practicing the macarena in his motion-capture suit, and Butch painting a rainbow tire swing.
Leo's monologue is as follows.
"Thanks to travel fees for Phil Swift, the commercial production is now a fitting twelve-thousand dollars over budget. There are still many questions that have gone unanswered, like How did Piper get COVID? and Why is Phil Swift a necessity to this commercial? and Does this really count as a literature credit? I suspect the answer to that last one is no. Several students here at New Rome Community College do not know what their major is despite having declared one. Therefore, it is uncertain whether most of these students even need a literature credit.
"Phil Swift is set to arrive sometime in the afternoon. Frank isn't even nervous; he's so committed to his role as the dean. Nobody has time to care. We all have a job to do. My job is to gather as much intel as possible, so today, Jake and I will be masking up and visiting Piper in quarantine."
The camera fades in on Piper, who is sitting upright in her bed. Leo and Jake are not permitted to enter her bedroom, nor do they want to for fear of contracting COVID. It's already risky enough to live in the same apartment as her.
"Thanks for visiting me, guys." Piper puts her mask back on and then tosses a tissue off her bed, missing the wastebasket altogether.
"You're welcome," says Leo.
"I like your Hello Kitty pajamas," says Jake.
Piper pulls her throw blanket over her pajama pants when she realizes the camera is rolling.
"So, we'll just get right to the interview okay?" Leo says. "Jake, make a note to change Piper's subtitle description to 'has COVID.'"'
"Got it."
"Wait, what?" Piper asks.
Leo zooms in. "We'll be asking the questions here. Where do you think you got COVID?"
"I dunno, probably from the baked potato bar." Ah, yes, the baked potato bar that was installed over the summer as a gift to the students to say, Congrats! You defeated COVID-19! Evidently, they did not defeat COVID-19.
"Cool. Cool, cool, cool. And do you mind sharing your symptoms with the audience?"
She shrugs. "My actual symptoms are pretty much gone. I'm in a period where I can leave the house while wearing a mask for five days and then unmask altogether assuming I test negative for COVID, but I'm choosing not to test since it's gotten me out of Dean D's weird commercial project."
"Why don't you want in?"
"My dad is the actor in the family, not me. Plus, it's stupid."
"Thank you, Piper," says Leo.
Piper leans back against her pillow. "You're welcome. Now let me watch Superstore."
The camera cuts to Frank on set, ready to perform as Dean D in a commercial worthy of Phil Swift.
"Remove the fat suit and the leopard-print shirt," the dean says. "We're going in a different direction."
Frank throws down his prop, a giant light-up candy cane. "I've been wearing this outfit for over a week!"
Silena drops her zombie cheerleader act long enough to ask, "What the hell?" and then goes back to groaning.
"You heard me," says Dean D. "Take it off."
"No!" Frank yells. He climbs down from the trampoline.
Jason whispers something to the dean, using his outdated script to shield him from the camera.
"Absurd," the dean says in reply. "Tell Silena and the other zombies to take five."
Jason holds a megaphone up to his mouth and shouts, "Take five, ladies! And Magnus, who is for some reason in this commercial." He lowers the megaphone and speaks plainly. "Really, Magnus? You don't even go to school here."
"Pop! Pop!" Magnus shouts.
Jason nods and makes a note in his script.
Frank shakes his head at the dean. "You can't make me do this, Dean! I don't even know who I am anymore!" He begins to sob at the dean's pant leg. "I don't even know who I am..."
"Great, now how am I going to replace him?" Dean D asks.
Octavian jumps to his feet and wipes the granola bar crumbs off of his leopard-print shirt. "Did somebody say, understudy?"
Dean D freezes, and Leo and the crew brace themselves for some awful reaction. The dean takes Octavian's face in his hands, despite the COVID outbreak. "Oh, yes. Yes."
Frank is shaking. Hazel holds him steady in his folding chair and feeds him Cheetos out of an individually packaged bag. "It's okay, it's okay..."
Finally, Annabeth lets go of Percy, and once she pries his arms out from around her neck, she marches up to the dean.
"What the actual hell?" she shouts. "You can't just do that! Frank was giving the only accurate depiction of New Rome this commercial had to offer, and you just cut him out?"
Dean D looks to Jason and points at Annabeth.
Jason wipes his glasses against his shirt before speaking. "The Dean will be following his creative path for this commercial. Anybody who doesn't like that idea can leave and prepare for classes tomorrow."
Hazel escorts Frank out of the dining hall, promising to help him find himself again.
Annabeth and Percy are next. They're so exhausted that they aren't even fighting with each other anymore.
Silena throws down her pom-poms and goes back to her dorm, zombie makeup and all.
Leo almost laughs at how funny footage of Grover walking back to his apartment in the motion-capture suit might look, but then decides against it.
This is, after all, the climax of the documentary, because now Dean D and the set of his commercial are alone, with nothing concrete to present to Phil Swift.
The camera fades to black and then fades in on a cut of the gorgeous New Rome Community College quad. There's dew on the grass from the humidity, a couple of lost Frisbees in the oak tree, and some dog crap right in front of the Terminus statue overlooking the fountain. Of course, none of it is as prominent as the bronze statue of Phil Swift, CEO of Flex Seal and inventor of Flex products such as Flex Tape, Flex Glue, and Flex Shot.
A helicopter held together by Flex Tape flies above the quad, propellers slowing as it touches the ground.
Phil Swift has arrived.
Phil Swift steps out of the helicopter and onto the soft New Roman grass.
"Ah, good to be back at my alma mater," he says before stepping into the Big House to find the dean. He does not need identification to unlock a building. He is Phil Swift.
He looks around in confusion because when you're Phil Swift, you expect to be greeted by an entourage of some sort. Leo wouldn't know that for a fact though because he is not a CEO.
Then again, anybody would be weirded out if they were to step onto an abandoned college campus on a weekday in the fall.
Dean D stands up and greets Phil Swift by giving him a complimentary New Rome Community College face mask. "Welcome to our campus, Mr. Swift! Please put this mask on. We've had an outbreak."
Phil Swift wrinkles his nose as if wondering why he's here if there's been a COVID-19 outbreak. Then again, why was anyone here all week if there's been a COVID-19 outbreak?
Phil Swift puts the mask on and asks, "Is there a contract I'm supposed to sign? What exactly do you want me to say in this commercial since nobody sent me a script? And what are these two kids recording this conversation for?" He gestures to Leo and Jake when he asks that last question.
Dean D scratches his head. "Ah, yes, Leonard and Jack are producing a documentary about the making of this commercial."
Phil Swift sighs in exasperation. "Just... Just let me see what you have so far."
The dean opens his minifridge and offers a Diet Coke to Phil Swift, who declines immediately. Then, he presses play on his laptop computer, presenting a horrible mess of spliced footage. It's like a horror movie. Voices whisper "New Rome" and it makes Leo feel more uncomfortable than he felt at the "It's Tough to be a Bug" experience at Disney. Yeah, he's been to Disneyland. The marching band at his high school gave out scholarships to the 'less fortunate' children.
The director's cut shows Percy and Annabeth hugging while crying, Octavian as Dean D, and a floating laptop computer, which Leo guesses is played by Grover in the motion-capture suit.
"Turn this off," Phil Swift says.
"No, this is the good part."
Phil Swift reaches over and hits the space bar on the computer, effectively pausing the video. "I don't know what this is, but I'm out."
The camera cuts to an interview with Phil Swift in the deserted dining hall. He looks around at the various props and sets, including a volleyball net, a styrofoam cactus, a Lime Scooter, and a sandbox.
"I can't do this commercial," Phil Swift explains. "I love this school, but I can't do this commercial. I mean, you guys could probably splice together some random clips from your documentary and make a better commercial than-"
Boom, boom, BOOM!
"What is this?" Dean D pants.
Leo can't believe Dean D just ran to get somewhere and he didn't get it on camera. Nobody's going to believe him now!
"You're doing their documentary about the commercial you're refusing to be in?" the dean asks.
Phil Swift puts his mask back on and addresses the dean, but of course, Leo leaves the camera rolling.
"Your commercial wouldn't suck so much if you took some time to appreciate a couple of things," Phil Swift says. Ooh, a millionaire getting deep? This is perfect television. He'd better list those things so Leo can use them as a monologue to wrap up his documentary.
"For starters, you don't appreciate your school. I mean, this is a beautiful campus, and not just because it's got a statue of me. Have you seen the quad? The only grass nicer than it is on my lawn, and hell, you let drunk college kids walk on it!"
He's right, Leo realizes. The quad is pretty nice, even if the fountain smells like barf on Saturday mornings.
Phil Swift isn't done yet. "And you know what? You don't even appreciate these people that make up your campus. Sure, there's Mr. Brunner, Coach Hedge, and the rest of the faculty, but what about the kids? They're the ones that make this place worth coming back to. Look at these boys here-"
"Pretend we're not here," Leo says.
Jake pushes his boom mic out of the frame.
"These boys are so passionate about their documentary that they're staying here through a COVID outbreak just to film our conversation. Plus, you got the entire school in on your commercial. Literally, everyone who's paying tuition to attend classes here put that aside to help you produce this thing. I know if I were a dean at a community college, things wouldn't be like this right now. Hell, my students would still be going to classes." Phil Swift glances at the camera one more time before leaving.
Leo points the camera out the window and onto the quad, where the helicopter is roaring back to life. Phil Swift climbs in and prepares for takeoff.
"So that's that," says Dean D. "What am I going to tell the board?"
Day Thirteen | The Conclusion
Total: $12,030 over budget
The camera pans around the study group in the library the next Monday. Piper no longer has COVID. Annabeth and Percy won't make eye contact. Frank no longer thinks he is the dean, but everyone's wounds are still fresh.
It doesn't help that Dean D is ballsy enough to show his face.
"Well, brats," the dean says, "I suppose I should thank you for all the hard work you put in the past week or so for the commercial."
"Oh, you're welcome!" says Hazel.
The dean snorts. "I said I should thank you, not that I was."
"Oh."
"What do you want, Dean?" Annabeth asks.
Percy crosses his arms and looks down.
Dean D crumples up his Diet Coke can and tosses it in the garbage even though the recycling is right next to it. "I came to tell you that the commercial is off."
The students grumble, but complaining would be dumb because they did get classes canceled for over a week.
"Can I still put 'script supervisor' on my resume?" Jason asks.
Leo furrows his eyebrows. "Didn't you get my email?"
"I haven't opened my email since 2009," Dean D says.
"Oh. Well, I finished the commercial. Someone hold this." Leo passes the camera off to Frank and pulls up a video on his laptop. It's not much; he spent about thirty dollars on a movie production program he needed for his documentary, so he figured he might as well try his hand at commercial production. He already paid for the subscription after all.
He presses play, and images of campus fade in over a cheesy pop backtrack Leo ripped from an amateur musician on SoundCloud.
Words flash across the screen: AT NEW ROME COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
"I'm basically the star," Jason says on-screen. Taken out of context, it sounds like he's speaking about an enriching experience at New Rome.
"Exposed to a wide array of viewpoints!" Frank-as-Dean-D says.
"I don't have COVID!" Percy shouts on the day everyone had to take COVID tests.
There's footage of everyone having a fun time eating on set and playing with props.
A clip of Silena, Frank, and a floating laptop computer jumping on the trampoline plays while the New Rome Community College website and an accompanying QR code flash across the screen.
There's a quick video of Phil Swift saying, "This is a beautiful campus, and not just because it's got a statue of me." See? Leo even managed to cash in on that celebrity involvement.
And finally, the commercial wraps up with a line from Will Solace's health and safety announcement: "We're all in this together."
The video ends and Leo closes his laptop. "It's in your inbox," he says to the dean before taking the camera from Frank.
Dean D starts to speak. "I, uh..."
"Thank you?" Piper finishes for him.
"Yeah. That."
The camera fades in on Leo alone in the study room. It's time for him to film his confessional because he just can't help himself.
Because nobody wants to stare at his face, he plays his monologue over some extra footage from the documentary, including Zoë Nightshade firing an arrow at a sub sandwich, which was an unscripted moment from the Hunters sorority and roller derby team. Another clip shows Reyna Avila Ramirez-Arellano finding a dead mouse in a trap underneath the empty baked potato bar. One last video shows Billie Ng, an agriculture major, trying and failing miserably at Irish step-dancing.
"Documentaries are fun I think," Leo says.
"This one wasn't as fun as last time," Jake Mason says, "which is weird because last time, we thought Dean D was dying."
"I'm not sure," Leo says. "I learned something last time about inserting myself into stories and how limited that is when I'm directing a documentary, but this time, I think my stepping in actually saved the story, so I'm not sure what to think of that."
He presses his hand to his chin, not sure what to think or more importantly, how to wrap up his documentary. "I guess maybe I'm not the one who learned something today. Maybe sometimes you have to tell a story through someone else's perspective to get the bigger picture."
"You lost me there, Leo," Jake says.
"I mean like, we didn't get anything out of this except for a credit towards our documentary certificates, right?"
"Right."
"But maybe Dean D learned a lesson about appreciation."
"I doubt it," Jake says.
Leo shrugs. "At least our viewers can get that much."
A clip shows Annabeth and Percy hugging one last time, and then the camera fades to black.
A documentary by Leo Valdez
Directed by Leo Valdez
Produced by Leo Valdez
Edited by Leo Valdez
Boom Mic: Jake Mason
Camera 1: Travis Stoll
Featuring...
Dean D as Himself
Percy Jackson as Himself
Annabeth Chase as Herself
Frank Zhang as Himself
Jason Grace as Himself
Piper McLean as Herself
Hazel Levesque as Herself
Will Solace as Himself
And Phil Swift as Himself