Time seems to move slower when you're avoiding someone. Almost like there are more hours in a day than the typical twenty-four, maybe thirty or forty. Time moves slow enough as is when you work all day and fight to survive regularly, but now that I had been steering clear of Negan, the minutes and hours began to dally along.
You're mine now.
His words echoed through my mind whenever I was alone and my thoughts began to wander. I'm not his, I'm not anybody's. I know where my loyalties lay, despite the confusion that had been clouding my sense of direction.
My people were behind those metal walls that felt so far away.
Even though I am loyal to my fellow Alexandrians, I couldn't bring myself to harm Negan as I originally sought to. While nobody believes me, I've seen a side to him that holds promise. My feelings for Negan have been eating me from the inside out the past few days, so I've been avoiding him. I haven't figured out how to deal with it or how to explain my situation to Negan without him feeling as if I've betrayed him. Because at the end of the day, I wanted him to live as much as I wanted my family to live.
Eugene had been taking to The Sanctuary quite nicely. He has a room similar to mine, only a tad smaller, and instead of a personal bathroom he has a kitchenette. Right now, he's sitting on his lounge chair playing the Atari that Negan demanded Dwight to fetch for Eugene. I'm sitting on his bed with my back against the wall, my legs dangling over the edge of the side. Frankie and Amber just left, Negan instructed them to spend time with Eugene so that he felt welcomed. I questioned his motives because Negan wasn't known for his willingness to share what was his.
"You hungry, Eugene?" I watched as he leaned forward in his seat to concentrate on his game.
"I can confirm, I am feeling rather famished. I've got a hankering for a pickled cucumber if you can locate anything of the sort," his tone was flat like it always was. Eugene has always had a way with words. Sometimes he could construct the most beautiful sentences. Other times, the shit that came out of his mouth was just over-the-top obnoxious. This was one of those times.
"A pickle?"
"Affirmative," he continued to move the stick around on the controller, moving his spaceship around and shooting the enemies on the screen.
"Okay," I chuckle as I slide myself off his mattress. "I'll go see if there are any pickles."
Without a response, I make my way to the door and head toward the kitchen. I'm not sure if we have any pickles, but I figured at the very least he would like a bowl of soup.
I swing the kitchen door open to find Harry and Willow working hard. Willow expressed her interest in working in the kitchen, she said she wanted to help out more and the extra hours would earn her more points. So, Harry and I took her under our wings and had been training her for almost a week. She was a natural in the kitchen. Harry is portioning the soup while Willow is handing bowls out to fellow Saviors. As the door smacks shut behind me, Harry looks in my direction and offers me a kind smile.
"Hey, Jade," he greets me, turning back to the pot of soup in front of him.
"Hey, Harry. Do you know if we have any pickles laying around?"
He continued to ladle soup into bowls and push them toward the serving window for Willow to hand out. He hummed in thought.
"Maybe in our dry pantry, did you look there?" He asked, head still down. I shook my head in response, even if Harry couldn't see me do so. I looked to Willow, who began serving a few of Negan's men. I scanned the hungry crowd and found a few familiar faces. Then, my eyes landed on Negan, who was laughing at something that Simon had said. My heartbeat began to quicken as my nerves started to bubble, I hadn't seen Negan since we returned from Alexandria a few days ago. As his laugh let up, he looked through the serving window and his eyes landed on me. I began to panic.
"I'll go check now," I say as I watch Negan make strides toward the serving window. I rush toward the exit as I thank Harry. "Can you have someone bring a bowl to Eugene's room?"
"Sure thing," Harry says.
I push the kitchen door open and look toward the cafeteria to see Negan walking quickly in my direction. I turn the opposite way and scurry to the dry pantry just around the corner from the kitchen. I'm not mad at Negan, I'm not upset, I'm not scared of him. I'm just nervous to talk to him because I can't figure out what is going on in my head. As I approach the dry pantry, I fling the door open and smack it closed with my back against the metal surface. I remain with my back to the door as I hear boots shuffle past, then push myself off of the metal and further into the pantry.
I scan shelves of canned food, one by one, in search of a jar of pickles. The first two miniature aisles bring me no luck, only cans of beans, fruits and vegetables are piled high on each shelf. I reach the back wall of the pantry as the door swings open, the handle hitting the wall and echoing through the room. I turn at the noise and spot Negan standing in the doorway.
"I know you're in here, sweetheart," he says, reaching for the door and closing it behind him. Instead of addressing him, I turn back to the water bottles and dried food in front of me. His footsteps draw closer, and within seconds I can feel his presence behind me. "What are you lookin' for?"
"Pickles," I say, continuing to scan the shelves. "For Eugene."
Negan reaches around my body and up to the top shelf, then pulls down what quite possibly might be the largest container of pickles I've ever seen in my life.
"Here," he says. I turn to face him and he hands me the jar. "Give him the whole thing. He'll earn them in no fucking time, anyhow."
"Thanks," I mutter and inspect the batch of pickles to avoid his gaze. Negan reaches for my jaw, lifting my face to his as he does so often.
"It's not a damn problem, baby," he smiles kindly. I missed that smile, which made me feel guilty. I shouldn't miss that smile. I shouldn't miss him at all. But I did. "Haven't seen ya around lately, you doin' okay?"
I nod.
"I'm gonna take these to Eugene," I try to step around Negan, but he shuffles in front of me and blocks the exit.
"What's wrong, hm?" He brings his hand to my face and caresses my cheek lightly. I missed his touch.
"Nothing, I've just been busy is all," I shrug off his question. Honestly, I don't know what's wrong. I can tell that Negan knows that too, he can see right through my lies. But, he doesn't press me any further. Instead, he tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
"Why don't you stop by my room tonight," his voice drops to a whisper. "I've missed your pretty ass face."
I agree to meet him in his room after the sun sets, but I'm unsure if I'll follow through. He offers a kind smile and drops his face to mine, quickly pecking my lips. I can't help but kiss him back. Negan ushers me out of the pantry and walks back toward the cafeteria as if nothing happened. I make my way back to Eugene's room in a frantic hustle. I push the door open without knocking and Eugene's eyes land on the large container of pickles in my arms.
"Holy toledo," he says, standing from his chair and placing the game controller in the seat behind him. I place them on the counter and shuffle back toward the door.
"I'm gonna go lay down in my room," I say as I cross the threshold. I pull the door shut behind me and make my way down the hall and to my bedroom.
-
Negan sat on his couch, sipping gin from the crystal glass at his rough fingertips. The sun set nearly an hour ago, and there was still no sign of Jade. He let out a dismayed sigh as he placed the glass on the table before him. Negan knew she was avoiding him. After the night they shared in Alexandria, the last thing he expected was for her to disappear into the woodwork. He would knock on her door, no answer. Go to the kitchen, she wasn't there. Negan decided to orchestrate runs without the two of them present so he would be able to hang around The Sanctuary in case he bumped into her, because he wasn't sure if she would want to sit in a truck alone with him for longer than five minutes.
He wasn't used to feeling this way about a woman, or anyone for that matter. She was always the focus of his thoughts and the longer she continued to avoid him, the more he began to despise his mind. Negan wished he could fuck her like he did his wives, then toss her aside and not give a shit about her feelings. It frustrated him that his feelings went beyond his usual sexual desires. He just couldn't help himself, Jade reminded him so much of his wife Lucille. She was kind, fiery, humorous, beautiful, and was never afraid to put Negan in his place. Just like his first love.
As the time drew on, Negan began to grow frustrated with Jade. He wasn't sure if he did anything to upset her, or if she didn't want him anymore now that she slept with him. But he had a feeling that she wasn't that type of person. The type of person that Negan had been before. One and done, only using women for his selfish tendencies. There was something about Jade that made him want more of her, more than the sex. It had been so long since Negan felt this way about anyone, the territory felt new. He had to learn to balance his power while not upsetting Jade, keep Alexandria in line without bashing any heads in, and now he had to figure out how to express himself to Jade without running her off.
Negan pushed himself off the couch, snatching the glass from the surface of the table as he rose to his feet. He scratched his head as he shuffled into the kitchen, dropping his glass to the countertop and gripping the edge of the counter, hanging his head between his shoulders.
A sudden knock urged Negan to look over his shoulder toward the door. His first thought was Jade, and he couldn't help the smile that grew on his face. 'Better late than never,' he mumbled to himself.
But when he pulled the door back, the last person he expected to see was Simon. Yet there he stood with a panicked look painted across his face. Negan grew irritated.
'Hey, boss,' Simon greeted the leader, shoving one hand in the front pocket of his grey jeans. 'We have an issue down in the cells.'
'An issue?' Negan repeats. It had neared midnight now, Negan hadn't realized how long he waited up for Jade until this very moment. What issue could there be at this time of night?
Simon nodded his head in confirmation and led Negan down toward the block of cells. Negan couldn't help but glance down the hall of Jade's floor as they descended the stairwell. She must've been asleep. So much for Negan's plans.
'Another one of Rick's people decided to break into The Sanctuary,' Simon explained. His boots echoed down the empty hallways as they neared the cells. 'Took Duke down outside, shot him right between the eyes.'
Negan furrowed his brows, the name didn't ring a bell, but that wasn't unusual for Negan. He was responsible for a lot of people, it was almost impossible to memorize every single name. Simon reached for his keys as they approached the door that hid Jade away months prior. The door swung open, revealing Sasha, who was cowered on the floor. She remained still with her back turned toward the two men.
'I'll deal with her tomorrow,' Negan said, grabbing ahold of the door and slamming it shut. Simon locked the cell door and watched as Negan walked away. Before he pushed the door to the main building open, he turned to face Simon. 'Jade does not hear a single goddamn word of this,' he warns. Simon nods, and Negan turns back to the door and crosses the threshold.
-
I had trouble sleeping all night. I thought Negan would show up at my door, pissed that I hadn't visited him as he requested. The time I spent anticipating his arrival in my room was not time wasted. I couldn't continue feeling anxious every second of the day, wondering if I would bump into Negan around The Sanctuary. I couldn't keep worrying about what the people of Alexandria would do if they found out I slept with the man, either.
While Carl's misstep could've set my plan back further than necessary, it didn't seem to cause too much damage. Luckily, Negan liked Carl. Rosita's attempt to harbor a stolen pistol to kill Negan, however, prompted him to take Eugene to The Sanctuary to work for him. As long as nothing else happens, there's a slight chance I can pull this off.
I pulled the comforter away from my body and stood from the bed, making my way into the bathroom. Goosebumps began to scatter across my skin from the cold morning air that circulated my bedroom. I hastily stepped into the shower once the water was warm and my clothes were shed, soothing the stinging sensation the goosebumps produced.
Once clean and clothed, I moseyed to the kitchen to start my breakfast shift with Harry.
"Find those pickles?" He greets me as I walked in the door.
"I did," I chuckle and make my way to the sink, then let the water run.
"I'll never ask you to find anything for me," he laughs, shaking his head as he turns his attention back to the bread in front of him.
"Why's that?" After my hands are washed, I turn the faucet off and dry my hands on a towel.
"Because it took you ages to find them," Harry laughs.
I tell him they didn't take that long to find, rather Negan interrupted my search and then found the pickles for me, and Eugene had the jar within ten minutes of his request. I shuffle to the stovetop where a large potato sack sits on the counter, next to three large pots. The sack is filled with copious amounts of oats, enough to feed the people of The Sanctuary twice over. I mix the oats with water in each pot. Unfortunately, The Sanctuary doesn't have much in the way of sugar or sweeteners, so plain oatmeal would have to suffice. Once the meal finishes cooking, people begin to form a line at the serving window. I begin to portion the oatmeal. Harry grabs each bowl that is filled and hands them out.
"Mommy," a high-pitched voice catches my attention. "I don't want that stuff, it's nasty."
I grab a bowl that I portioned for a child, which was filled with half as much oatmeal as the adult portions. I walk over to the serving window and spot where the complaint came from, a young girl who was maybe five or six.
"Hey, sweetheart," I smile widely as she looks up at me. "Can you watch this for me?"
I place the bowl on the counter and slide it toward her. She nods hesitantly, but reaches for the bowl and holds it in between her tiny hands. I spin on my heel and head to the refrigerator, then open the door and grab a few strawberries. Since Willow began in the kitchen, she brings fresh fruit to each shift for the three of us to enjoy when we aren't cooking or serving. I rinse them off in the sink, grab a small knife from Harry's prepping station, and walk back to the serving window.
"Okay, scooch that bowl over here," I crook my finger inward as I hold tightly onto the strawberries in my palm. The little girl gently pushes the bowl in my direction. I slice the strawberries in my hand and place them neatly on top of the oatmeal. "There you go, honey. I don't like oatmeal either, but strawberries make anything taste better."
I smile down at her and watch her pull the bowl from the counter to her chest as she examines it closely. She looks up to her mother for approval, who begins shaking her head.
"I don't have enough points for fresh fruit," she says as she grabs the bowl from her daughter, and attempts to hand it back to me.
"Don't worry about that," I say, shaking my head. I take the bowl from the woman and hand it back to her child. "What's your name?"
"Harper," she answers quietly as she looks between my face and the bowl in my hands. I offer the bowl to her one last time.
"Enjoy your breakfast, Harper," I smile at her. She takes the bowl from my hands and her eyes light up at the sight of the fresh fruit that was given to her.
"Thank you," Harper's mother speaks again. "I'm Anna."
"Don't mention it, Anna," I say.
I watch as the mother and daughter shuffle to an empty table in the corner of the dining hall. It makes me sad that Anna was worried about using her points on a few strawberries. Fresh fruit is a delicacy, those who have it should want to share it. At least that's how I was raised.
"Well that was awfully kind of you," his voice comes from the entrance to the kitchen. I turn around, spotting Negan in a white t-shirt and his usual grey jeans with Lucille slung over his shoulder. "But I don't believe that's your call to give people free shit, darlin'."
He seems irritated. Maybe I shouldn't have bailed on him last night.
"It wasn't free," I say with a hint of annoyance. "I'm using my points for it."
I saunter over to the stovetop and begin filling more bowls. The line was growing at the window.
"Fill one of those bowls and come with me," Negan speaks from the door. The hinges creak as he pushes it open. "Got somebody I want you to meet."
As he passed through the threshold, I let out a reluctant sigh.
"I guess I'll be back soon, you got this alone?" I asked Harry as I filled a bowl with oatmeal.
"I'll see you at lunch, darling," Harry called over his shoulder. I placed the bowl on an empty tray alongside a spoon and shuffled to the door, pushing it open and stepping through. Negan stood against the wall beside the door, waiting for me to join him in the hall.
"There she is," he says with a grin. Maybe he isn't upset that I stood him up. "C'mon, we're going to the cells."
"I thought we didn't have any more prisoners?" I asked. He kept his gaze forward, not acknowledging my question almost as if he were ignoring me.
He sauntered down the corridor toward the block where the prisoners were held and slung Lucille over his shoulder after a few steps. I followed behind him quickly in an attempt to match his pace and walk beside him. He began to whistle an unfamiliar tune as I reached his side.
"Listen, about last night," I start, my voice tailing off. Negan continued to whistle as he stared straight ahead, he is ignoring me. "I should've told you I wasn't coming by-"
"Not necessary," he halted his whistling to cut me off. His words were short and dry, "I have no expectations from you, aside from the general rules of my Sanctuary."
Okay, so he is upset that I stood him up.
"Besides," he continued, looking in my direction and offering me a sinister grin. "I have a feeling what you're about to see will be punishment enough."
We pushed through the set of doors that lead from the main building to the block of cells. As the doors shut quietly behind us, I decided to follow behind Negan rather than at his side. He didn't seem like he was in the mood for talking. I furrowed my eyebrows as I noticed one of the cell doors hanging open. Negan turned to me briefly, placing his index finger to his lips to shush me. We continued to the open door with silent steps, and a voice began to fill the musty air of the cellblock.
"Fighting is just gonna make it last longer," a man spoke. His tone of voice was too familiar, men like him are all the same. Our pace increased as we neared the cell. "Which for the record, is fine by me."
Negan smacked Lucille against the cell door, "Hey!" He stepped partially into the cell, looking between the man who was speaking and the person in the cell, then held Lucille at his side. "What the hell are you doin' in here?"
His tone reeked of vexation, he was way more pissed than he let on. I stepped closer to the cell door and spotted the man who was caught red-handed. He was tall and brute, with unruly brown hair and a now-frightened look in his eyes. I imagine he didn't look as terrified before Negan showed up. I try to peer into the cell, but Negan blocked the threshold, I couldn't see the prisoner just yet.
"Negan, sir-"
"Do you really think I need you to answer that?" He chuckled, pointing at the man and closing his hand in a fist. He didn't, we could tell what the man had planned without seeing his actions. "I can see that you're tryin' to rape this woman," he gestured to the prisoner, confirming it was a girl. "You were tryin' to rape this woman, weren't you?"
The man stood in silence, and although he was bigger than Negan, he looked fearful for his life. Negan took a few steps forward and the man swallowed hard, his adam's apple bobbing prominently in his throat.
"This is some unacceptable behavior," Negan continued, his voice dropping. "Rape is against the rules here, I wouldn't want to be somewhere where it wasn't. Someone in charge, who lets somethin' like that fly?" He breathed out an ominous chuckle, then unsheathed his very large knife, before waving it in the man's face. The man jumped at the sight.
"David," Negan's voice trailed, "you really crossed a line here."
"I'm sorry sir," David's voice wavered. He knew where this was going, and so did I. I stood on my tip-toes, glancing over Negan's shoulder to the prisoner on the floor.
Sasha?
She didn't notice me, she continued to watch the scene unfold before her. David's breathing filled the air as Negan stared him down, his knife now at his side. My heart thumped against my chest, what had Sasha done to land in here?
Before my thoughts could continue, Negan plunged his knife into David's neck in one swift movement. David's eyes grew wide, almost popping out of his head. Suddenly, I was back on my knees in a gravel lot, watching Negan parade himself and Lucille in front of my group after mercilessly bashing Abe and Glenn. Glenn's eye popped further than David's, but the situation was the same. I squeezed my eyes shut.
Suddenly, it dawned on me. Negan hasn't changed, he is the same man that he was when we first crossed paths. As opposed to my friends, David wasn't innocent, he undeniably tried to rape Sasha. He deserved this, without a doubt, but I could tell in Negan's tone and body language that he enjoyed this. I opened my eyes as the silence grew.
"You know what? I do not accept your apology," Negan said, pulling the knife from David's neck and letting his body drop to the floor. Sasha became more visible as the man lay on the ground lifeless. Her shirt was ripped and she was distraught, and I couldn't blame her. Negan turned to face me, holding Lucille in one hand and the blood-ridden knife in the other. My eyes were locked on David's body.
"Hey," Negan said sternly following a prominent whistle. "Give uh," he gestured to Sasha with his knife.
"Sasha," she said weakly.
"That is a beautiful name," Negan pointed at her with the knife, slightly leaning forward so his words would only be audible to her. However, I heard him, and my stomach twisted with undesired jealousy.
Yeah, he hasn't changed.
"Give Sasha here her breakfast," he said as he stepped to the side of her, cutting off the rope around her hands. I carefully shuffled forward, handing her the tray of breakfast. I offered her a kind smile, which she returned briefly. "Sorry you had to see that. Sorry about the rope too, probably overkill. But, you did cause one hell of a fracas last night."
I stepped out of the cell and into the hall, watching Negan follow my actions. Before he closed the door I spoke up.
"You're going to leave him in there with her?" I asked. Negan arched an eyebrow, then tossed the knife onto the ground by David's body. Then, he slammed the door shut, locked the cell, and stalked off toward the main building.