Riding a horse with Captain Levi is something you've never dreamt or anticipated to do.
His back was broader up close and you could see hints of stiff, hardened muscles underneath his shirt.
He smelled... nothing, really. Or maybe you're not close enough to take a whiff yet. It's a surprise you see, being surrounded by sweaty, dirty men during footwork and gear mods, you became accustomed in smelling sweat, down to the bottom pit of repulsive body odor. Your nose has become too used to it in fact, that you don't mind it all.
Sometimes you smell like one of them.
Sometimes.
You wondered how you smell right now.
You wondered how Levi thinks of your scent.
You slowly took a meaningful whiff on your shoulder, dreading to smell like onion—
"How many back supports are we testing today?" Levi suddenly speaking made you jump.
"Four—" You cleared your throat. "Four sir. If you feel comfortable with one of them, I'll coordinate with Factory city right away to help us finish just before the expedition."
You doubt to finish at least a hundred on time on your own.
"And the gears? You think you can finish on time?"
You didn't respond, and he got the answer from your non-answer. He sighed deeply to your silence, before telling you to hold on to his waist.
"Sir?" You may not have heard him right.
"We're bolting, we don't have time." He said, tightening the grip in the reins. "We'll reschedule the support fitting for now. If you manage to finish the gears on time, then we'll squeeze it today."
"I don't think it can be done sir, it's practically impossible." You explained. "There's at least... sixty— seventy more of them and..."
"Gather up the soldiers who haven't gotten their gears modified yet. Them in the mess hall at ten. Then wait for me." He simply said.
And there it was again, the silence.
You haven't seen Hange in a while. Your hunch is that they're secretly making that barrel restraining thing to capture Annie's titan. Maybe that's why Levi's babysitting you because your squad isn't exactly available right now. You remembered making a promise to help Hange with that restraining device, but seeing how hopelessly preoccupied you were with the gears, Hange might've thought they could do it themselves.
No fret, because you knew Hange could.
"So..." You could not stand the silence, even when it's peaceful. "If I may ask... what am I going to tell the soldiers sir?"
"To get their gears." He said, quickly glancing at you.
"And how good are you at public speaking?"
***
What in the flickity fuck is Levi trying to make you do?
"How good are you at public speaking?"— was what he said and you should've taken that as a hint! You had a hunch but you were too self-conscious with the silence and now the soldiers were just sitting there, staring at you like a Boa constrictor in the zoo!
Your hands started to feel clammy. When was the last time you spoke to so many people? The latest memory is when your parents took you to their post-party book event, and everyone told you how 'pretty' and 'gifted' you were, and that they're sure you'll do amazing things like your parents.
Then seconds later, some reporter wanted an impromptu speech and you didn't know what to do, so you did what any 13 year old would: You talked Valyrian and Parseltongue combined, in front of so many people and so many cameras.
Tuesday came, and your parents decided to homeschool you until the excessive bullying and media exposure calmed down.
Aaaaand that's when I decided to never to show up in any events. You thought to yourself.
Erwin Smith's presence graced everyone in the room. His presence commanded everyone's attention, as they fell silent in reverence. You stepped down and gave him the platform, and he briefly scanned the whole room to acknowledge each soldiers' presence. You straightened up yourself, kinda, but your eyes were somehow fixed not to the blonde epitome of authority, but to his brooding shadow tailing behind.
It was impossible to take your eyes off of Levi.
He paid you with a look. It wasn't long or meaningful, but it sure as hell made your stomach flip. Sometimes, you have this delusion that he knows exactly what he's doing, but you will never say that out loud, scared to find out that you're just getting ahead of yourself.
But look at him just standing there and breathing.
Plus points now that he's acting like a captain, as he orders a few soldiers around.
He looks commanding— taking charge as he points and talks inaudibly from afar.
You remembered what Miche was doing to Nanaba that dawn and you felt something twitch inside you. A tickling, budding tension was building in your lower abdomen when you imagined what it would feel like, if it was Levi doing that to you.
It was too late to refocus your eyes and deny that Levi caught you checking him out.
You cleared your throat, breaking the second-long eye contact to refocus on whatever Erwin was saying.
But in your periphery, you could feel a pair of eyes— his eyes, fixed on you.
"We are to pave a road from Karanese to Shiganshina District later this week." The commander looked so haggard and sleepless you admit defeat. Just when you thought you'd gotten the shortest stick out of everyone in this damned wooden building. Maybe your exhaustion is also the reason you're fantasizing Levi climbing to your bed...
Slowly pulling your pants down...
Yanking your bare thighs close to his hips...
He'll snicker darkly, because he likes it when you make sounds for him, all while he adjusts himself in a more comfortable, intimate position.
Then he'll settle your leg on his surprisingly wide, well-knitted shoulder...
You nearly jumped when Petra approached you with a cup of water and a bar of that high calorie biscuit. You're thankful that thoughts are private, otherwise you would rather be eaten by a titan than spill the fantasy you had just now.
"Some changes are made to ensure that more lives are preserved. It is a hasty decision, but the risk is worth it knowing more lives will be preserved." Erwin said.
You thanked the bright young lady, who in return, smiled back. Before leaving, she asked you something.
"You're red, Phoebe. Are you okay? The mess hall is too hot isn't it?" You simply nodded. She can't expect you to say you're fantasizing about her boss now, can you?
Erwin paused briefly, the silence pressed you to listen and actually pay attention. He straightened his stance and his voice got bolder, richer.
Dangerous.
"Keep in mind that what we are about to do here... is not permitted." He warned. "You are free to go and have your gears kept in the same way you'll get out of this room." He paused again to wait for anyone who wanted out, with Levi opening the door for them.
No one did.
After an unbearable silence, the commander slipped a satisfied look in the corner of his eyes, pleased that his soldiers— these people made a favorable choice.
"But... what are we here for sir?" Armin asked. "Are we... going to modify our own gears?"
Erwin paid a glance at you, stepping down the platform to give you the floor.
You cringed.
You hate— HATE public speaking. You hate how you sound when you're loud, you hate overthinking if you're mispronouncing a word— you hate having people look at you.
It's not the same as singing because you know the lyrics of the song and you have a guitar to accompany you on stage. That? That is easy. But this?
You thought of just winging seventy gears tonight if it meant you'll get a pass speaking in front of everyone.
Your shoulders tightened, your throat, dry. You suddenly wanted to cough. You tucked the tendrils of hair off your face, as you looked directly in Armin's eyes.
"Y-Yes," You stuttered, mentally slapping yourself. You cleared your throat to try and mimic Erwin's confidence...
"You will be modifying you own gears—"
"But what if we made a mistake? We can't afford to have our gears malfunction outside the walls!"
"That's pretty much a suicide move!"
"Are you going to check on it?"
"We are soldiers, not mechanics!"
"At least explain to us how you do it!"
... only to miserably fail.
Their protests blew up all at once in your face, taking you aback. Your stomach started hurting. You have no experience being crowd control, but you refuse to glance at Erwin to call for help. Breathing gone shallow, you took a deep breath and—
Maybe you should just try doing it your way?
What even is your way? No way?
Your body trembled; your knees got weak, You felt like if you speak now, you'll talk gibberish but now is not the time to be scared.
"I-I'll be—" Breathe in—
"What did you say?!" Breathe out...
"I said I'll..." You couldn't do it. You could feel yourself gasping for air.
"We can't hear you! Don't whisper!"
"She'll be here to teach you how to modify your gears. But if you're having second thoughts and you're content being a wuss, you're free to leave."
Your head snapped at the source of the voice, but from the first note, you recognized whose it was.
"She's skilled at what she does, and if you follow her instructions right, you won't have a problem with your gear. So don't worry about her competence, worry about keeping up."
You bit your lip; does he really think you're good at what you do?
The atmosphere felt looser now. Your trembling muscles began to relax. Levi glanced at you before his bored, brooding stare landed again to the soldiers.
Their silence was loud.
"We're soldiers, not mechanics and we could tell. So Private Johnson here's going to walk you through it. You think we'll let any of you dimwits go outside without conducting test runs? You shouldn't go outside the walls if you need to voice your low quality thoughts out loud— it's fucking embarrassing. Not that I'm discouraging discussion..." Levi nodded, looking at you...
Wow, so all those time he's been talking and you were just... looking at him?
You looked away, hoping to shoo what spell Levi put on you.
"I will explain it now. Please take your gear and follow my instructions carefully. If you have any questions or you think you did wrong, please raise your hand." You said breathily. The room was full of disagreeing expression.
You took Armin's gear and started naming the parts. Soon, you proceeded to discuss what will happen with their gears after the modifications.
"But... if the gears are faster, won't we break our backs? We need balance; flexibility and quick reaction time to use it. Going faster while we're not used to it will only lead to injury." Someone pointed out.
"You're right," You responded, acknowledging his concern. "That's why your gears will also come with another set of back support. We're about to do the test runs..." You glanced at Levi, tacitly asking for a date... "Tomo...rrow—" He shook his head, "Today, I mean, and for the meantime, we want you to anticipate the stress this will bring to your bodies."
"You mean, we'll be more susceptible to injury? And can you make it on time?"
"I promise the support will make it safer and easier on you. Even better than the one you have now." You boldly declared while internally reliving Trost in its full horror. You wanted these people— these whiny recruits to carry a weapon that could protect them; a weapon they could put their trust in.
You will never want them to experience the same.
"And I will make sure to make it on time."
The soldiers exchanged skeptical looks on one another, rethinking if they indeed, could entrust their lives to you.
***
Soon, you spent the entire day teaching the soldiers. You didn't care anymore as to who saw you or who listened from the door. The day went on and on while the day changed its colors from high blue skies to purplish dusk, and finally, to plain black heavens. No one batted an eye or bothered rising from their seats. Lunches and dinners were skipped. Minimal chatters surrounded the room, but nothing topped the sound of metal pounding metal or the sizzles the iron gave when they dipped the glowering parts in cold water.
You walked around the room, attending to soldiers who were having a hard time following the instructions. You tried to be patient in dealing with them, constantly reminding yourself that molding metals aren't what they're trained to do. You spent your time correcting or praising each of their gears, taking time to thoroughly explain what each part is supposed to do, and where it should go. The mess hall smelled like molten metal and sweat, but no one minded one bit.
***
It was almost dawn when the soldiers finished. There were... well, touch ups and final checks you still needed to do but you can finish that later today. Your throat was parched, your body shook and begged for sustenance. You also forgot to clean your wounds. Maybe I could do that right now, you thought, not until you remembered you still have a pipe bomb to assemble. You've pulled all-nighters far too many times to know there won't be anyone in the kitchen at this hour. The kitchen supplies aren't exactly free dominion, but you knew Petra always left you food. No one touches it for some reason. You thought mainly because they pitied you for needing the food more than they do.
That annoys you, so you rarely touch it, because of your stupid pride.
But today was hella productive and a reward is due, so you might eat it tonight.
You made your way to the kitchen, knowing exactly where Petra could've left—
Someone's in the kitchen.
That's rather unexpected.
"Hello," You added the 'sir' when you realized who you were talking to.
"You guys were loud." Levi responded casually when you walked past him. He had the wide wooden windows of the kitchen opened, letting in the gray reflection of the sunlight through. Tonight was so bright, you didn't need a lamp.
"Did you know sir?" You grabbed a cup, seeing there's steam in the kettle which meant the water was still hot. Somehow, Levi didn't mind sharing some with you now. He even increased the water every time he boiled.
"The moon cannot shine on its own. The sunlight reflects on the moon, and the moon reflects it to the world."
"Your point?" You were disappointed at the rather dry response.
"No point," you pressed your lips to a quick smile before pouring some hot water. Thank the walls your back faced him, relieved that he wouldn't see your disappointment. You just wanted to thank him for helping you out, because you couldn't have done the things you did today without his help.
He's the moon today.
The moon who let you reflect your brilliance to the soldiers.
Haha, let's pop your head before it gets too big, Febe.
"Just making small talk."
Or maybe you're way past making small talks after letting him see many of your layers.
"No, actually—" You turned around only to see a rather relaxed Levi with his buttoned shirt more undone than its day counterpart. His leg was crossed over the other and his posture lazily leaned into the edge of the table.
For someone who can memorize things after seeing them once, seeing Levi like this... made you forget things you were about to say.
"Actually?" He pressed on, his foot wriggled as the same leg dangled over the other knee. In the process of waiting for you to speak, he also stared at you with such intensity it almost made you squirm.
You never squirm.
But tonight? You're speechless.
He cocked an eyebrow, still waiting on you.
The cicadas creaking for mates made it so much better.
He sipped his cup empty, his gray eyes not leaving yours.
"I just..." you blinked a lot, struggling to remember how to speak.
"Just? Come on, don't bore me now." His eyes had a different glint on them, and you recognized it: the bastard was teasing you.
"Nothing?" With a grunt, he rose from his seat and walked towards you.
"Then I have something for you." Levi said.
He came a meter far, to just one step close.
That loud crackle of the hearth made you hitch a breath when Levi reignited the fire; his arm grazed past your waist, his warm breath tickled your clavicle.
"You're ordered to sleep in the clinic tonight, after you eat."
It was a simple gesture, but this simple gesture made you insanely aware of how close he was, or that he didn't smell like nothing at all.
"They gave you some medicine; you should find it in the cupboards."
He slowly retracted his arms, and reached for his tea— the one behind you. He reached past your arm this time, his sleeves lightly caressing the short hem of your shirt, making you press your lip by how delicately the fabric tickled your skin.
He took his time taking tea from the can, to sliding it back where it came from.
Now that he has nothing else to do, you expected him to set some distance... until his arm caged you in the kitchen counter, imprisoning you with his intimidating, yet intimate stance.
"They also left you something to eat." His voice sounded lower than you remembered. "Petra put in a black container—"
"Sir..." You breathlessly said, still unable to look at him in the eyes.
"Isn't this too much for a Captain-Private relationship?"
There was stillness on his end, and it ended with him clicking his tongue.
"Am I making you uncomfortable?" He muttered. You didn't shake or nod your head. You didn't want to commit to a definite answer you couldn't take back.
His arm stiffened, giving the kitchen counter a hard pinch before letting go. He gave you space— like you should've wanted, but surprisingly, didn't.
Sometimes, you have this delusion that Levi knows exactly what he's doing. From restocking the medicine box to that simple excuse of patching you up in order to touch you, to accidentally having the same day-off as you, to this: staying up so late just to tell you where to sleep or where to find food.
It's a delusion to think that he actually likes you.
He's also making it easy to believe such delusion and make a fool out of yourself.
But to watch him walk out of the kitchen leaving your knees weak and your lungs gasping for air, your heart sank knowing you just lost that chance finding out.
***