"Toni, if it's too soon you don't have to look through these papers now. They're not going anywhere."
"I want to do it before Shelby comes back. I don't want any of this hanging over my head when I see her. She will need me, the best most stable version of me."
"Didn't you say that-"
"Yeah, I know what I said," Toni snapped, losing her temper accidentally. "Fuck, sorry, I just... hate thinking about the fact that we won't be able to see each other properly for a while. But I'm sure we'll be able to talk in secret though. We did keep it under wraps for a while before. We just have to be more careful."
Martha didn't look convinced but at least she didn't look hurt that Toni just bit her head off. She hated her temper these days. It had been nearly 2 months and she was still struggling to keep her irritability in check.
"Okay then. Let's do this." Martha announced, taking Melanie's massive pile of documents from Toni's drawer and placing them on her bed.
Toni had kind of wanted to do it alone but when she brought that up to Martha she immediately refused the plan. Citing moral support.
They did reach a compromise, however, Martha went off to read on her own bed and if Toni needed her, she would say. That was good enough for her, she was actually grateful in the end.
She took a shuddering breath and dived in.
The first noteworthy article she found was from 1989, Carol would have been 14 at the time, or somewhere around that age.
Mother of Two Found Murdered in Home, An American Family Scandal
Toni thought it was a bit of an insensitive title.
A deeper dive into the article mentioned that the suspected killer was the husband. Even though Toni knew this wasn't true she found herself getting a little wrapped up in the conspiracy of it all.
It has a brief description of her injuries which were a little more significant than just a head wound like she expected. Either her mother had suffered all of the injuries from the husband prior or Carol really lost it.
It was an early article so it wasn't that helpful to her. She set it aside an picked up a police report. Or document? She wasn't really sure what it was but it looked official.
It contained similar information. Just description of the victim and the injuries again.
Toni wasn't really sure what she was supposed to get out of this. All it meant was that Carol was telling the truth.
Another official document described a young girl, 16 years old, that had run away from a foster home. She was found with a series of injuries a few hours after the call was made that she had run away.
She scanned over it, stopping abruptly when she noticed something familiar.
Head wound
Broken rib
Fractured wrist
Punctured lung
Toni read it again not sure if her brain was making her see things that weren't there.
And again.
She read over the discarded articles again.
Her heart was in her throat. "What the fuck?"
"What is it?" Martha rushed over, taking a seat next to Toni on her bed.
"They're all the same," she muttered, flipping through more pages. The same injuries on nearly every single one of them, old foster kids and details about Carol's mother.
Martha flicked through the paper too, gasping as she realised what Toni was saying.
"Um, Toni?" Marta said slowly, holding a piece of paper in her hands that Toni hadn't yet read.
Toni took it from her and squinted to read, her eyes still struggling to capture words the same as they once did.
It just said the same thing that Toni had been reading all along, broken rib, evidence of old lung puncture, sprained wrist and head wound.
"Yeah, I know Marty, it's all the same injuries. I just don't know why though."
"Toni," Martha got her attention again, her voice sounded a bit shaky, "Read it again. Those injuries were found on Carol herself, not just the foster kids and her mom."
"I don't get it though, didn't the husband do the initial injuries to the mother?"
Martha hummed thoughtfully, "Maybe, but it looks a little bit like the mother had been doing that to Carol the whole time and when she snapped she attacked her mother the same way the mother attacked her. It's a pattern."
Toni pushed the papers away, the words hurting her eyes. "But Carol said that she just pushed her and she landed wrong."
Martha winced, "You said you don't remember what happened after the first two hits," Martha looked over at her apologetically when Toni flinched at the memory. "Maybe it's like that with her mom, the rest happened after."
Toni felt a bit sick at the implication. Too disgusted to verbalise it properly she just said, "So she was a coward after all."
"What do you mean?" Martha responded.
"Well she said something about her dad only hurting people that he could easily over power, but Carol was there overpowering people that she thought were already dead. Or at least unconscious." She gulped. "Like her mother. Like me"
There was a part of Toni that mourned for 14 year old Carol who just couldn't do it anymore and snapped. She knew the feeling well. But years later, to continue the exact same cycle of abuse made Toni's stomach churn.
Martha dropped her head into her hands, her back jumping with sobs, mumbling something that Toni couldn't make out
"What's wrong?" Toni asked
Martha sniffed and lifted her head, wiping her eyes and taking a few deep breaths. "That could have been you. It literally was you. Repeating the same thing over and over, that could have been any one of you!! It's a wonder that she didn't kill anyone."
Toni blinked a tear out of her eyes and turned away so Martha wouldn't see. The fact was, Martha saw life in rainbow colours, but Toni looked through all of the papers and only found record of 3 of Carol's fosters after they stayed with her. There was one missing. There was one that, in the eyes of the law, was never seen again.
Toni decided not to tell Martha. Because while she so desperately hoped she was wrong, she knew deep down that she wasn't and that was the kind of worry and stress that Toni knew Martha struggled with. If she could keep Martha viewing the world in the beautiful light that she did for as long as possible, than she would.
Toni rang Melanie that night to tell her what she thought, and Melanie had broke down, she had the same suspicion herself. Toni hated that Melanie was having such a hard time forgiving herself, she had been there too. She was still there sometimes, when she thought a little too hard about the death of her mother.
She told Melanie to go easy on herself, and hung up.
————
Toni's heart was in her mouth. It had been a week since going through Melanie's documents about Carol with Martha and Shelby was coming home.
Toni was so distracted by her thoughts that on the way to the kitchen she ran smack bang into a wall, the thump echoing through the hallway.
"Fuck, shit, ow. Where did that come from?" Toni cried loud enough for Martha to hear.
Footsteps raced down the hallway. "You okay Toni?" Martha asked.
"There's a wall there," Toni acknowledged.
"There is."
"Typical. I think I've used the 'I ran straight into a wall' excuse so much it I actually manifested it."
It was a dark joke that went right over Martha's head, "What do you mean?"
Toni couldn't help but laugh at her friend's innocence, she hoped that would never change. "Nothing, don't worry. Just annoyed that I'm gonna see Shelby today and she's gonna freak out that I have a bruise on my nose."
"Have you worked out exactly how you are going to see Shelby?"
She had not worked that out. She was living on the hope that Shelby would text her at some point.
"I- well, yes. Kind of. Not really. It's a loose strategy, okay? I come up with my best plans in the moment Marty."
Martha crossed her arms, her expression a bit condescending, if Toni was honest, and started making her way towards the kitchen, Toni followed behind. "So what do you have so far then?"
"I'm going to wait for her to text me," she replied confidently.
Toni couldn't see Martha's expression, but her energy felt very doubtful. If that was a thing. "You do realise that based on what you've told her, her dad went through her phone and deleted your number from it. It's 2022, the only phone numbers our generation know are our own."
"I do realise that, hence it is only a loose plan," Toni grumbled. "Do you have a better idea then, or are you just here to tell me mine is rubbish?"
"I do, actually."
Toni, despite being a little miffed at Martha's ability to think of something when she couldn't, turned her full attention to Martha, trying to centre her ever drifting attention. No matter how much her pride got in the way, she would never let it get in the way of Shelby's wellbeing. Again.
"Why don't you get one of our friends to call her? Maybe Dot? Rachel? She sometimes goes to- wait what did you call it?" Martha clapped her hands after a second. "Jesus club! Yeah, that would probably work better."
Toni couldn't deny that it was a good idea, one she had thought of before but her friends had been so helpful to her and she often felt like she was asking too much of them.
"You don't think she'd mind?" Toni asked meekly.
"Absolutely not. We don't even have to tell her that you're together. She can just know that Shelby's dad doesn't her like associating with you for, well, obvious reasons I guess." Martha's nose scrunched. "Sorry."
"Yeah I guess that could work. I'll call her now." Toni fumbled for her phone. It rung nearly until the end until Rachel finally answered with a yawn. "Shalifoe, it is so freaking early," her tone suddenly changed, "Wait, are you okay?" A bit of commotion followed. "I can be there in 20?"
"Wait, wait. No, sorry I'm fine. I didn't realise the time." Toni was up really early these days. She read the clock and scrunched her eyebrows, "Hang on, you do realise it's 9?"
"Yes I do, after I quit diving, 9 is early. I wasted so many hours of sleep training that I think I'm catching up now."
Toni was pleased to hear that. Rachel really scared the shit out of her when she found out about her eating disorder and the extremes that she was really pushing her body to. Toni hated to think about Rachel literally abusing herself, someone that she could never escape from. She hadn't been there for Rachel enough at the time, and she looks back with so much regret on that time. And here she was asking favour.
She was starting to reconsider the idea. But she knew that Rachel really wouldn't mind. And it was for Shelby. She had to try. Shelby was going to need her, she had no one in that house.
"Oh fair enough... Sorry to wake you but I really wanted to ask a favour?"
"What's up?"
"Do you have Shelby's number? I have it if you need it, I was just wondering if you would give her a call for me?"
"Why don't you do it yourself?" Toni appreciated Rachel's straightforwardness. Other than her and Fatin, her friends tended to beat around the bush and especially now, with her concentration challenges, it became a little frustrating because as much as she wanted to listen, her mind drifted.
"Well, she..." How was she going to word this? "Shelby's dad hates my guts and I really just needed to ask her something."
"Wow, thank you. That really clears it up. Not suspiciously vague at all."
Toni sighed, "It's a bit complicated and not something that is really my place to talk about."
Thank seemed to do the trick. "Okay, what time do you want me to call? What do you want me to ask?"
"Maybe ask if she could meet you at Martha's? That way if her dad hears he won't know it's me that she's meet-" Toni paused as she saw Martha shaking her head rapidly, putting the box of cornflakes down and miming something at Toni. "How many times do I have to tell people that I can't read lips? Why the hell would I know how to read lips? I have zero need for that skill at all!" Toni vented.
"Who are you talking to?" Rachel asked.
"Marty, she's decided that I can read lips, I can't even read a fucking book at this point. Let alone random mouth movement."
"Very accurate analogy. Made total sense Toni. Well done." Rachel said sarcastically. "Also, you will be able to read a book soon. You reading has been getting better. You read the time just a minute ago! You couldn't do that a few weeks ago."
The conversation had gotten way to deep for Toni. Consequences of having self-deprecating humour and unnaturally kind and supportive friends. "Okay, yeah. Thanks Rach."
Martha lost her patience. "Toni don't tell her to meet her here. If Dave is listening to the conversation he will get it immediately. He knows you live here. Maybe meet at a cafe or something."
"Tell her to meet you at the basketball court please? She will know that you are talking about me then. Maybe call her at 5ish to meet at 6? Hopefully she will back by then."
"Okay sure, I really hope everything works out for you two." With that Rachel hung up the phone. The girl was always in a rush, Toni was used to her ending conversation on a statement rather than a goodbye. It made Toni feel like she was in a teen to show where they never say hello or goodbye on the phone. She kind of liked it actually. The efficiency and drama of it all.
"Well," Toni said to Martha, "That should work."
Martha mouthed a reply to her.
"Sorry what was that?" Toni fake yawned to pop her ears, thinking that she had briefly lost her hearing, but Martha just mouthed another reply, a grin spreading across her face.
Toni grabbed the spoon she had been using to eat her cereal and pointed it at Martha. "Now you are just pissing me off. Honestly, trying to make be think I'm going deaf. As if I don't already have enough ailments." She grabbed her bowl and stormed off to the sound of Martha howling with laughter.
"Watch out for the walls," Martha choked out through her laughter, mocking Toni for walking into one face first earlier. "I hear they just pop up out of nowhere."
"I can't hear you!" Toni called back, chuckling silently as she closed Martha's bedroom door behind her.
————
Toni waited anxiously for a call from Rachel all evening, even before the time she had arranged it for. Every time her phone made any kind of noise her hand darted out, grabbing at it with an agility that she usually reserved for basketball.
The call came at 5:15. Rachel. She picked up on the first ring not even bothering with hello's, "What did she say?"
"She'll be there at 6."
Toni exhaled with an audible whoosh. "Thank God. Thank you do much Rachel... Hello," she added, realising she had been a bit rude.
"I will say though Toni, she sounded very, I don't know, subdued? I don't know where she went but I don't feel good about it. I'm not sure if you know where she was but I think it was a bit fucked up because that was not Shelby on the phone. I can't put my finger on it."
It was Toni's worst fear confirmed. Her heart sunk. There was no way for her to tell without seeing Shelby in person, but it really didn't sound good. Fuck, she never should have let her go.
What a fucking idiot. There must have been a better option but she dove into this one because she trusted Shelby. But she should have figured it out. They wasted all that time playing basketball and fucking around when they could have come up with something, maybe Shelby would be here right now if she had just used her damn brain.
Of course it was going to work, why did she think it wouldn't? It's literally brain-washing. She knew that.
Toni watched the clock for a few minutes, but decided to wait at the court instead. She bundled up and grabbed her basketball and some extra gloves, because Shelby always forgot them.
She kicked herself the entire walk there, what-ifs flying through her mind.
By the time she got to the basketball court, Shelby was there. Half an hour early.
Toni met Shelby's eyes, but instead of seeing the cold, emptiness in Shelby's eyes like she expected, how it was before she got to know her, she saw recognition. Love.
Toni didn't even make it half way across the court before Shelby ran up and tackled her in a hug, planting sloppy kissed on her cheeks, forehead, chin, lips.
For the first time since Rachel called she felt like everything might just be okay.