Terrible Teens
V A L E R I U S ' P O V :
I've been trained for a lot of things in my lifetime. I can overcome almost everything I'm put through. I'm prepared for every outcome, every scenario, every move.
Though nothing.. nothing could have prepared me for raising a teenager.
It makes me think, was I like this? Was I always this difficult? And as much as I would like to deny that, I know I was. And I know exactly where that attitude comes from.
Whether I'd like to admit it or not.
When I was Ellie's age, I thought I ruled the world. I fought with my parents just because I could and I did irresponsible shit because I thought it was funny.
I don't blame Ellie for having a voice or wanting to protect someone she loves. The problem is, I will not lose her again. And if I do, I most certainly won't be the cause this time.
I'm mad because she took the bullet. I'm mad that it was to save me. I'm mad that she had scars lining her stomach when she pulled up her shirt and I'm mad I couldn't focus enough to help her.
I lost my focus and I can't afford to do that. Ever. Especially not with her.
Fighting with Ellie afterwards did not help anything. It actually made everything worse.
She told me she didn't like how upset I got and that she just wanted to protect me. I let her know that I'm the parent and that means it's only my job to protect her and not vice versa but she didn't like my response. It's tough living with another you, only even more headstrong.
"Valerius! Good to see you." I'm greeted by Allegra as soon as I enter La Casa de Fiore.
"Ciao." I give her a nod.
Usually I'm in a better mood when I'm here but I still can't shake my argument with Ellie last night.
"How are you? You haven't come in for awhile.. mainly ordering online." The softness to her eyes brings me into her trap. A trap to take all my previous worries and turn them into mush.
My heart jumps out of my chest at her sincerity. It almost sounds like she's worried.
"I've just been busy." I tell her. "Adjusting to being a parent again is hard."
"I can't even imagine." She speaks, laying out some paper. "Any ideas today?"
"Astranita and a protea."
"Courage and change. You're lucky we just got some more flowers sent in." She gives me a warm smile, making something quicken my heart.
When she leaves for the back, I clear my throat to compose myself.
Is it hot in here?
"So..," Her voice startles me. "Has everything been okay? How are you?"
"It's fine."
It's definitely not going fine.
"Oh no. Is it really that bad?" A concerned smile pops onto Allegra's face. Was it really that obvious?
"Is it supposed to be easy?" A defeated look takes over my face and she lends me a soft smile. She hands me my flowers.
Suddenly, she stands up straighter. "Are you free?"
My eyebrows furrow with interest. "Ellie is at my brother's so.. yes, I suppose so." I watch her nails tap the counter with what I assume is nerves.
"Do you want to get lunch with me? I have an hour break and I don't know.. maybe I can help? Maybe an outsiders point of view will help." Allegra's eyes can't stay focused on mine. Her lips press together. "But I don't want to impose or get in the middle of anything." She quickly remarks.
I pause.
"Are you asking me out on a date?"
"What!? No!" She says quickly and embarrassment floods through me. "I mean.. that would be crazy. You— we.. I mean you wouldn't want to go out with me. Or— or me with you!" She sputters quickly, motioning her hands to follow along with her words.
For some reason, I like none of the words coming out of her mouth.
Honestly, the thought of perceiving our outing as a date, it doesn't upset me.
Although it is a weird thought because I don't do dates. Nor do I date anymore. I'm an adult, too old. Plus, I'm sort of committed to a different person. A dead person, but a very important person. She had my daughter. My baby. I won't disrespect that.
"I understand, Allegra." I swallow my pride. "It was just what some people perceive as a joke."
Immediately, her face flushes red. "Right, sorry." It seems like she shrinks back within herself. "That was completely my bad."
"What are you hungry for?" I decide to change the awkward subject.
"Anything you are." She breathes out a sigh of relief at my quick change of subject.
"There's a cafe across the street. We should be fine there." She nods and tells me she'll be back as soon as she lets Rosie know she's on her lunch break.
When we start walking over, our fingers brush each other. My heart races. My pulse jolts like electricity. I pull my hand back quickly.
Allegra walks through the door that I hold open for her. She thanks me and her hair falls in front of her face. I want to sweep it away so I can admire her face.. which is odd now that I think about it. Why do I want to do that?
"Do you want to go first?" Her voice snaps me out of my trance.
"All you." I point to the register and she blushes, walking forward.
I listen as she orders a vanilla latte and gushes over the fact that they have chocolate covered strawberries here but they're too expensive for her to give in and buy them. When she's done with her order, I cut her off from paying and add two boxes of chocolate covered strawberries and a cappuccino. Then I pay for both of our orders.
"I—," She huffs. "You didn't have to do that."
"I know." I reply. Of course I didn't.
Eventually, we get seated and I take a sip of my cappuccino.
"These look so good!" Allegra opens the box with an excited gasp. My lip lifts. "Have one." She pushes one towards me.
"No." I shake my head.
"Why?" She asks like I'm crazy. "How can anyone pass on a chocolate covered strawberry!?"
"Easy. Because I've never had one."
Her eyes jump out wide.
"What!?" She hushes to me, mouth agape. "Eat one right now." Allegra demands and easily, I'm amused. She's very stern about this.
"No." I almost want to laugh at how serious she's being about a piece of fruit.
"Now." Her eyes narrow and for a second, chills strike the hairs on my arms. Damn. She can be scary when she wants to be. "Sorry." She shrinks back. "My 'mom' voice came out. But please." She pushes the box towards me.
I sigh, silently agreeing to eat one.
I lift the berry to my mouth and take a bite, immediately chocolate falls down and I rush to catch it with my hand.
The first thing I notice is that the berry chills my teeth. Then I taste the explosion of sweetness from said fruit. Then I taste the rich crunch of the chocolate. Maybe Allegra is on to something with these.
"So..?" A smile lights up her face. She tries to hide it with her hand.
I set the rest on a plate and wipe my mouth with the nearest napkin. "It's good." I tell her and I can see how hard it is for her to not loudly cheer and celebrate this discovery.
"I know! Right?" I almost want to laugh at her excitement. "Okay but back to what this is for." I settle back at the serious glint in her eyes. I follow the freckle in her eye closely. "Girl talk." My eyebrows frown together. Huh? "Well talk about your girl. Daughter. I'm trying to help you." Allegra's hand hits the table lightly in frustration. It doesn't seem like she's doing a good job with getting all of her words out.
Her eyes can't stay in one spot. Honestly, I think I see a little drool on her chin. She could start foaming at the mouth at any given moment now.
I decide to start from the beginning.
I explain most that has happened, leaving out the gun and many enemies. I explain how frustrated Ellie is with me and I have no idea why. I just want to know what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it.
After I finish, Allegra sighs. She gives me a gentle look following with a soft smile.
"It sounds like she's just have trouble adjusting." She says softly.
"Adjusting? Adjusting to what?"
Allegra gives me a look reading, really? Like I should have already known what she meant.
"Valerius. She just moved back to her home but she's been gone for almost ten years!" Her voice is quiet but still a little accusing. "Tell me what you remember when you were five and six?"
I furrow my eyebrows. Where is she going with this?
"I vaguely remember a fight I once had with my brother, Enzo. He was about four, maybe just turned so. He was jumping on my bed, messing up the block building I was doing so I pushed him off and he cracked a good slice of his head. Our mamma was not happy with me at all. But overall, that's all I can really recall." And mamma was a little more that not happy. She was furious.
"Okay, one thing. Now what do you think your daughter remembers then, from that age?"
I pause, desperately trying to recall more of my childhood so I can believe that Ellie can remember just as much as I can but— I cant. Does Ellie really remember nothing?
"I... I don't know." I admit to her.
"I know it might be weird because you're able to remember all of it but she was just a baby." Allegra smiles at me sadly. "I has to be tough moving to a place that she barely remembers, only remembering her family. It's scary being new, she might just need some time to adjust. I'm sure the arguing is just because she wants you to see she's scared."
At the end of Allegra's explanation, my body feels deflated. How couldn't I have known? How could I just assume she remembered everything? I feel like a failure. A jerk.
"How did I miss that?" I ask in disbelief.
"Don't blame yourself, Val." The nickname slips out of her mouth so easily but I don't have time to be shocked. She's never called me that before. I barely register her hand that is covering mine on the table. I can't not focus on it. "It's not your fault that you're just excited to have your daughter back. Parenting is all about learning." I take in her words.
I realize she's about to retreat her hand. I don't want her to. I flip my hand, grabbing hers with mine. My own heart jumps like I'm a schoolboy again.
"Thank you, Allegra."
"Of course." Her voice is a lot quieter than before. "Might I suggest something though? It might help?"
I'd say yes to any of her questions if she keeps looking at me like that.
"Of course."
My eyes can't release themselves from hers. I let my thumb rub circles gently on her palm.
• • •
"Hey, papà." I walk into the living room to find Ellie watching the tv. Her words are nonchalant.
I just said goodbye to Enzo outside and thanked him for watching Ellie. I sit next to her but still leave space between us.
"Can we talk?" I ask her.
I watch her bite part of her lip, pausing the tv.
"Sure." She reluctantly turns her head to me.
I need to stop being scared of my own daughter. I feel like if I say one wrong thing then it's over.
"I've been thinking about everything." I take a deep breath. "I see now that it might be hard to adjust here. I realize my nine years compared to yours was very different. I remember almost everything but I'm sure it's hard for you to." I watch Ellie nervously pick at her blanket. "A lot of things are different but I hope we can play catch-up. My relationship with you is very important to me, piccolina."
I try to hold back the tears that are forcing their way out but they still make it to the surface. I try my best not to let the tears fall.
"Oh, papà." Ellie's eyes soften. She moves her blanket to get up and hug me. I hold onto her, cradling her.
"I'm sorry." I say, holding my breath. I don't mean to get so emotional.
"Never be sorry." She replies, holding onto me tighter. "I should be sorry, not you."
"You don't have to apologize for anything." I tell her, brushing my hand through her unruly waves.
"I love you."
And just like that, my heart melts. It's times like these that I remember why I do this, why I love doing this.
"I love you, Ellie. We're going to figure this out together." I wipe her silent tears.
She sniffles, nodding her head just twice. "O-Okay." I listen to her big exhale of breath.
"In the meantime, suggested by someone else. They thought it might be easier for you if you weren't the only new one here." Ellie's head picks up curiously. "Leon, bring it here." I call out and Leon turns the corner with the cardboard box. Ellie sits up.
"What is that?" She asks, wiping her face furiously.
"Grazie." I tell him and he nods with a smile.
"Wha—," Ellie stops when she hears a small patted scratches on the box.
I set the box down and take out the small grey kitten. It's barely the size of my palm. It's bright green eyes bore into Ellie's as it screams again.
"I think it likes you." I say humorously as Ellie takes it out of my hands with her mouth wide open.
"Oh my.. no way." She looks at me in disbelief. I hold back my laugh. "No way!"
That smile. That smile is my favorite thing in the whole world.
"I hope this is a good reaction."
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Ellie pulls it closer to her chest, cooing in complete excitement. "You're literally the best dad ever!" It screams at her again and she awes over it.
"She doesn't have a name yet, I figured I should leave it to you."
Ellie sits back on the couch, cradling the small feline. She rubs it's fur, still her mouth is wide open in shock.
She waits awhile, deciding on the perfect name.
"What about... Flower?"
A soft smile resides on her face, her eyes never leaving the kitten.
My lips tip upwards.
"I think it's perfect."
• • •