-vent chapter-
i can't write anything right now but i'm going to write this because well maybe someone wants to read it, idk i feel bad not updating for a while
⚠️TW// anxiety and depression symptoms, depressive episode, anxiety attack, su¡c¡dal thoughts and ideations, intrusive thoughts, thoughts of hurting oneself, parental conflict⚠️
(it sounds like a lot but i am trying to fit in every possible thing just to be sure)
-please stay safe-
(this isn't going to be formatted correctly because i'm too tired to fix it)
.
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hurt/comfort
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this is going to be deleted later but for now have a chapter
(y/n and ranboo aren't dating in this because i can't write romance right now)
// this does not affect the plot line of the fic whatsoever //
-
Y/n POV
I was returning from a trip to see my parents, and had just gotten off of the flight, looking around for Ranboo.
"Y/n!"
I turn and see a tall man, his hair briefly swinging in his eyes, and run towards the figure.
He catches me in a hug and we hold each other tightly.
"How was your trip?"
"It was good, kind of overwhelming though," I say into his shirt.
"Yeah, how are you feeling?" He asks.
"Tired"
"Alright, let's get to the car and you can sleep"
-Timeskip-Ranboo's house-
(god this is such shitty writing so sorry 💀)
"Is it alright if I do a quick stream? You can do whatever," he asks.
"Sure"
He starts the stream and I join in for the beginning but quickly start zoning out and getting overwhelmed.
"I'm gonna go to the balcony, alright?" I say while trying to mask my anxiety for the stream.
"Alright," he says, and I hear a hint of concern in his voice.
I open the door to the small balcony and just sit on the floor, looking at the view.
Closing the door, I wrap my arms around my knees
You should jump
No more anxiety that way
You would be so free
Nothing more to worry about
You're not going to do anything worth living anyway
Jump.
I close my eyes and lean my head back against the wall, struggling to maintain easy breaths.
In
Out
In
Out
In
...
The door opens, and I open my eyes to see Ranboo, then close them and lean my head back again.
He sits next to me silently.
I turn to him and tears fill my eyes while he pulls me into a hug.
"Hey, hey, you're okay, I'm here, you're safe, I need you to breath"
I manage to stabilize my breathing before collapsing into sobs in his arms.
And he just held me.
And that's all I needed in the moment.
"What are you thinking about?" He asks softly into my hair
"Jumping off"
I realize what I said too late, and his posture stiffens.
"Oh my god I'm so sorry I didn't mean to-"
"It's okay, come on, let's go inside"
I follow him inside and we sit on the couch.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
No
"...yes"
"Okay, um, is there any reason you could be feeling this way? Sorry I'm really bad at this"
"No you're fine, this shouldn't be your responsibility anywa-"
"It's not a responsibility, Y/n, it's wanting you to feel okay because you're my friend and I want you to be happy. Now answer the question (he says this lightheartedly btw)"
"I guess I'm feeling like this because talking with my parents drained me emotionally and I couldn't sleep so I didn't and I forced myself to do everything that was expected of me but it wasn't good enough because it's never good enough and I hate myself and I think I'm better off dead."
I look up to see Ranboo's eyes glossed over and I look away.
"Y/n," his voice breaks a little, "you don't have to force yourself to do anything. You're enough just being here, okay? Please stay here."
Tears run down my face silently and he pulls me into a hug again.
"Please stay here," he repeats, whispering it.
We stay like this for a couple of minutes until we pull away.
"You should sleep," he says, looking at my face.
"I'm not tired"
"Hmm"
"I'm gonna go to the bathroom really fast"
"Alright"
I lock myself in the bathroom and while I'm washing my hands, see a razor.
Fuck
My hands shake as I reach for a towel
Cut yourself
You're not worth it anyway
You deserve it
There's a knock. "Y/n"
A sob escapes me without me realizing.
"Y/n! Open the door please"
I don't respond and I hear the lock click.
"I'm coming inside"
Ranboo enters the bathroom and picks me up gently, carrying me to his room.
He turns off all of the lights, closes the curtains, and puts on calm music.
How did he know I was overstimulated?
"Can I touch your hair?"
I nod.
A weighted blanket is placed on top of me and he gently brushes my hair and starts to braid it.
"I didn't know you knew how to braid"
"Mhm, top man tier"
I smile and close my eyes, the warmth of the weighted blanket and his hands in my hair comforting me.
Ranboo POV (short)
A few minutes after I start braiding her hair she falls asleep.
I move to the other side of the bed, facing away from her, and close my eyes.
Y/n POV
My parents are fighting. Again.
"YOU JUST DON'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING I SAY," my dad shouts at my mom, and I shrink away from the kitchen.
"AND YOU CAN'T COMMUNICATE ANYTHING," my mom shouts back.
"I COMMUNICATE ALL THE TIME"
"MAYBE IF YOU WERE BETTER AT IT Y/N WOULD KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A GOOD FATHER"
"DON'T BRING Y/N INTO THIS"
I slip farther down the hallway and into my room.
"WHY NOT? YOU'RE JUST AS BAD OF A PARENT"
I cover my ears and close my eyes until I hear a knock on my door.
"Y/n?"
It's my dad.
"Yeah?"
"Did you empty the dishwasher like I asked?"
"..."
"I ASKED YOU LIKE TWO HOURS AGO AND," he points to the phone clutched in my hand, "ALL YOU DO IS STARE AT THAT GODDAMN PHONE. You know what, give it to me. Now." He holds his hand out.
"I wasn't on my phone-"
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR EXCUSES Y/N, GIVE IT."
-
I sit up, my body shaking.
Just a dream.
I see Ranboo peacefully asleep on the other side of the bed and quietly move the weighted blanket off of me.
Walking to the kitchen, I get myself a glass of water and lean against the counter.
It's silent, and kind of nice.
Until someone walks in, making a noise without warning.
I jump and hit the glass of water resting by my hand, and it falls to the ground and shatters.
"I'm so sorry, I am so so so sorry," I say to Ranboo, subconsciously shielding myself.
"It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you, I'm sorry I startled you."
"I'm so sorry"
"It's alright, I promise, here, move away from the glass."
He picks up the few pieces of glass and covers the spot with a towel. "What are you doing awake"
"A dream," I shrug.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No"
"Okay, do you want a hug, or maybe a blanket?"
"Yes"
"Which one"
"Yes"
He smiles lightly and pulls me into a hug. His hugs were the best.
"Why do you talk to me?"
He looks down to meet my eyes, "what?"
"Like, why do you let me come to your house, and why do you give me hugs and let me talk to you"
"Because you're my friend? And I care about you a lot and want you to feel safe and comfortable"
My eyes fill with tears and I press my face into his hoodie.
"You know I'm always here, right?"
"Yeah"
"Now how about that blanket?"
"Yes yes yes"
"Okay which one"
"Weighted"
"Hmm, why that one?"
"Because it feels like a hug"
"Are mine not good enough?" he asks, wrapping his arms lightly around me.
"No no yours are the best"
"Really?"
"Yes. Definitely"
"Do you want to sleep?"
"No"
"It's 4am"
"Okay"
"Please"
"Fine"
"You can wake me up if you need anything"
"Okay"
[hold on i'm dehydrated as fuck]
[ok ok here we go]
Ranboo POV (morning)
I wake up and see Y/n, a weighted blanket covering her, hugging a pillow and smile.
As I walk towards the door she moves and opens her eyes.
"Good morning"
"mHhBnNj"
She gets up from the bed and holds her arms out for a hug.
"How are you feeling?"
[man of many questions i swear]
"Tired"
"Breakfast?"
"No"
"You haven't eaten anything since you got here"
"I don't feel like eating"
"Come on"
She follows me to the kitchen and I list the foods I find.
"Eggs?"
"No. I hate eggs. Sorry"
"Good, I hate them too, uhh, bread?"
"Bread?"
"Fruit?
"Look it's you"
"Shut up"
"No"
"Fruit?"
"What kind?"
"Strawberries, blueberries, kiwi"
"Yes"
I pull out the three containers and Y/n snatches the strawberry one.
"You're not gonna wash it?"
"No hell nah that's a lot of work," she says, popping one into her mouth.
"Give me one"
"No mine," she says, smiling, and passes me the container.
We share the containers until there are none left.
"You wanna go to the park?"
"There's a park??"
"Yes"
"With a playground or no playground?"
"I think there's a playground"
"Okay let's go"
She steps outside and turns around, "cold." She runs to my room and returns with the biggest hoodie I own.
"Why'd you pick the biggest one"
"Comfy"
"You look even smaller"
"Slenderman"
[why the hell did my ability to breath just die]
[im literally laying in bed just can't breath good]
[anyways]
We walk to the park and Y/n approaches the playground and scans the area for kids.
"We're good I think," she whispers to me.
I lean against a tree and watch her climb the small structures and go down the single slide.
She comes back later with a small purple flower. "For you"
"Thank you"
We walk around for a bit before heading back home.
"Hey Ranboo"
"Hm?"
"Can I tell you about my dream?"
"Yeah"
We both sit side-by-side on my bed.
"It's stupid"
"I doubt it"
"My parents were arguing like they always do, and they brought me into it, and other stuff happened but it's not really relevant and that's it. I know it's not a lot I was overreacting I'm sorry"
"Hey, you weren't overreacting, you spent the last couple of weeks in their house, and it doesn't sound like it was good for you to hear them arguing like that"
"I'm sorry if I ask for a lot of hugs, I don't usually get any"
I wrap my arms around her and feel her shaking. "You shouldn't feel sorry for asking for basic human needs you don't have..both physically and emotionally"
[fucking falling asleep and it's only 12:25am]
[not me writing a month later at 2am]
"Ranboo...?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you...platonically"
"I love you too, Y/n"
"Really?"
"Of course"
She smiles, "no one's ever told me that before"
"What?"
"It just wasn't a thing, you know?"
"Kind of"
"Oh. Hmm"
She leans against my shoulder. "Got a boyfriend yet?"
"Wh-that was a random change of subject"
"Aww, he's flustered"
"Shut up Y/n"
"Sooooo"
"No, no boyfriend"
"Mhmmmm but you have someone in mind"
"nOooo"
"Let's build a fort"
"Huh"
"You know I switch topics fast"
"True, let's go"
We find some chairs and bean bags, haphazardly throwing blankets on top.
"It's gorgeous!!"
"It's something"
We climb into the makeshift fort and I set up my laptop, putting on [show/movie/youtube video]
About an hour later I see her falling asleep on my shoulder.
I pause the show and pick her up and bring her to her bedroom.
Setting her down, she opens her eyes and smiles slightly, closing them again and falling asleep.
Y/n POV - 5:30am
I wake up and check the time 5:30
Oh? Sunrise?
I get out of bed quickly and approach Ranboo's door.
"Ranboo?"
I shake him a bit. "Ranboo?"
"Hm"
"Sunrise!!"
"Hm?"
"Get up"
"Nooo"
I finally get him out of bed and we begin walking the path to the closest place to see the sunrise.
"I hate waking up earl- is that my hoodie? Again?"
"What? This? Nooooo"
"I'm literally going to have no hoodies"
"Good"
We get to the hill and sit to watch the sky.
"I like the sunrise"
"I'm glad you get to watch it"
The end haha
I swear I'll have normal updates soon maybe
<3