A throbbing sensation settled in my core as I opened my eyes. My body felt so tender, that I didn't dare move for fear of causing myself additional pain.
My eyes scanned the room as much as I could in this position. Suddenly Grey came into view as he stood and hovered over me.
"How are you feeling, yildiz?"
"A lot of pressure, but I'm fine. What happened?" I asked. His head hang low as he avoided my eyes. "Grey? Why won't you look at me?"
He brought his palm up to my face and brushed my hair out of the way. "There was so much..." he started, "So much blood, Ana...I was so scared." He mumbled, his voice breaking as he fought to hold back tears.
A tear fell from his eyes and dropped onto my cheek. I reached up and cradled his face with my hand.
The painful expression on his face made my heart shrink into tiny pieces. I hated seeing him like this.
He wasn't telling me something, I was sure of it. He could barely hold eye contact with me for more than 2 seconds and he'd never had that problem before. "What happened to me?" I asked remembering all of the blood and immense pain.
"You were pregnant," he said finally looking me in the eyes.
I scrunched my eyebrows, this had to be a dream. There was no way.
Was. I was pregnant.
Past tense.
Was.
"What are you talking about, I can't get pregnant," I said staring at him dumbfoundedly. "You're lying..." I said taking my hand off of his face, "Why are you lying to me? There's no way I could be pregnant. You know that...you know..." I said frantically.
"You lost the baby" he whispered taking my hand in his. "The doctor said your tubes weren't cut, they were tied, making it possible for a baby to be conceived. He said it's very rare and these pregnancies are very high-risk which resulted in you losing the baby." He ran his hand through his hair, "The doctor will-"
My breath felt constricted in my throat as I watched his mouth move. I'd entered that dark place in my mind once again. The place in which I couldn't feel, hear or move. My eyes closed as I continued to block out the world and everyone in it.
This was pain like I'd never known before. It was one thing to think I'd never be able to have kids but to be told I'd lost one.
My body failed me.
I failed myself.
I failed my unborn baby.
My life was a cycle of never-ending torment and heartbreak.
As the tears burned my eyes I questioned everything. Why was this happening to me? Why now? What did I do so wrong to deserve this?
Did I deserve this?
I was worthless.
The truth is, that weak little girl was still inside me. Waiting patiently under the surface to make her appearance.
Unrelenting thoughts and countless scenarios ran through my mind as I lay here. If I hadn't been such a coward I would've found out a long time ago that my tubes weren't cut, just tied.
I wouldn't have put myself, my family, and my fiancée through so much pain. I wouldn't have lost my baby.
I wouldn't have proven my father right yet again. Even six feet under he was still haunting me.
I lost my baby...
The baby I wanted so much I'd do anything, anything to have.
I wanted to run. Run far away from here, forget everything that ever happened to me.
I just wanted to be happy, why couldn't I be happy?
I opened my eyes and just screamed. Screamed for the little girl that never got the chance to be one, for the emotional and physical torment that my parents had and still were ensuing on my existence, and for my baby, Grey and I's baby, our baby that we'd never get the chance to hold in our arms.
For the following hours, I'd seen the doctor, nurses, my family, and Grey all give me the same pitiful look and I loathed it.
I constantly had to remind myself to breathe as I continuously blocked everything and everyone out.
It was all so confusing. I wanted to be alone but at the same time, I didn't. I didn't think I could handle being alone while my thoughts taunted me.
As I lay in the cold hospital room, my mind was a dark hole of self-sabotaging words.
I couldn't look at Grey in his eyes. No matter how much I needed to. To drown in his eyes and forget everything like I usually did when I was under his spell.
But I couldn't.
It was physically and mentally painful to. To see the worry and hurt etched in the lines of his beautiful face.
We weren't even married yet and I'd failed as a wife and lover. I'd failed us and even though I knew he didn't feel that way, I couldn't stop.
The doctor suggested I stay for 24 hours to make sure everything was all right, but nothing was all right.
Nothing.
Grey was so gentle as he lifted me and placed me in the tub, but I still couldn't find it in myself to look at him as he bathed me.
I was still in so much pain, but I deserved it.
He tried his hardest to feed me, but I couldn't hold anything down.
"Grey" I called out and he looked up at me, still holding my hand in his. "I want to untie my tubes; can you get the doctor?"
He nodded as he stood. The dark circles under his eyes were more prominent and haunting as I finally looked at him.
"I'm sorry," I whispered as he lifted my hand and placed a soft kiss on my knuckles.
"No, don't do that. None of this is your fault, don't ever say that" he said placing his comforting hand on my cheek. I turned my head, looking away from his intense eyes, "Look at me," he said as he leaned down and positioned my face, so our noses barely touched. "This is not your fault, so don't ever think that Anaís. As I've said countless times, we'll get through this together and I'll love you forever."
A tear ran down my face as I looked into his eyes. "I love you, okay? I love all of you, nothing will ever change that. This was just another stumbling block trying to break us, but nothing ever will. We'll have our happy ending. It's us. It'll always be us."
He placed a kiss on my forehead, and I brought my hand up to his face and drowned in his eyes one last time before he left to get the doctor.
Without giving the doctor too much information, we explained how we were under the influence that my tubes were cut. After speaking with him on the subject he informed us that he couldn't promise I'd ever carry a baby full term even after the surgery, but I decided to take a leap of faith.
We scheduled a tubal ligation reversal to take place later this evening and it was the only solace I found in everything that happened.
I'd be able or at least try to have children of my own and it gave me a reason to smile when everything seemed to bring me everything but.
Grey kissed my forehead, and we told each other I love you before the nurses rolled me into the operation room.
I was scared and I knew he was too, but with everything that happened, I was praying the universe wouldn't bring us any more heartache for a day.
If it did that would just be sad, and I'd probably die laughing at how much bad luck we had.
✦ • ✦ • ✦ • ✦ • ✦ • ✦ • ✦
I looked over at Grey who sat on the couch, eyes closed with Xile's head on his leg as she slept.
Instantly sensing I was awake he stood and placed a pillow under her head before coming over to me. "You're okay." He said, tears in his eyes.
"I'm okay," I smiled as tears burned the back of my eyes. He leaned down and kissed me softly.
The twins entered the room with two cups of coffee in their hands each and I smiled at them. They froze for a second before they placed the cups of coffee down on the table and stood at the other side of the bed.
"How are you feeling?" Zayn asked.
"Weak," I answered truthfully.
"I'm going to get the doctor; I'll be right back," Grey said, and I nodded.
"Mom?" Xile said as she sat up.
"Come here darling,"
Before I knew it, I had my arms wrapped around her and I was at ease. The tears from her eyes dropped down my neck before she pulled away and tried to wipe them away.
"I'm okay now," I said as I wiped her tears with a warm smile on my face.
I reached my other arm out for the twins, and we all hugged until the doctor and Grey joined us.
The doctor informed me I could leave the next morning and I made a quick call to my mom letting her know the surgery had gone well and that she didn't need to worry anymore.
After a long battle with Xile and the twins, I finally got them to go home so they could get some rest. And with a little more persuasion, I got Grey to join me in the bed. I didn't want him sleeping on the tiny uncomfortable couch again, but most likely, I just wanted him nearer than the couch would allow.
To be in his arms tonight couldn't compare to any other. I needed the comfort only he could give me. I needed him to tell me how much he loved me as I basked in his sweet aroma.
For the first time in weeks, I'd slept through the whole night, free of the twist and turns and interrupting Grey's rest.
When I got discharged the next morning, I was still struggling to wrap my head around the fact that not even a day ago I was down in the dumps because I wouldn't be able to have children, but now it was because I'd lost my baby.
Nonetheless, I tried my best to block that part out of my mind and just be grateful that someday I'd be able to have a kid with Grey.
I fell back into a deep sleep as soon as we got home, not sparing the time to stop and talk to anyone.
I'd lost so many hours of sleep these past couple of weeks, now that I could get rest I needed to take every chance I could get.
Hours later when I finally woke up, I was greeted by my lovely daughter and fiancé, the twins, and the three middle-aged ladies who had become besties faster than tickets to see the nation's favorite boy band sold out.
I was in the middle of the bed as my mom sat on one side facing me with Grey and Xile sitting on the other. The others sat on the bench in front of the bed.
"Hi, my beautiful girl," my mom said running her hand up and down my arm softly, "How are you?"
"Hi mom, I'm feeling much better. I needed the rest." I said.
"I was so worried about you, mija." She mumbled, her voice breaking.
"I don't doubt it," I smiled, and she kissed me on the cheek. "I love you", I whispered, and she did the same.
We all talked and a few minutes later, Emilio and Mariano argued as they entered the room.
Emilio held a tray with a bowl on it while Mariano had an apron tied around him as he held a glass of water.
"Don't let him fool you, I made this," Mariano said as he placed the glass of water on my nightstand.
"I can tell," I said looking at his stained apron. He looked like he'd turned on the blender without the cover on. "Thank you guys," I smiled.
"Come on everyone, she needs to eat and I'm sure she wants some privacy." Grey's mom said as she stood.
Grey helped me sit up in the bed and Emilio placed the tray over my thighs before they left leaving Grey, Xile, and me.
Xile crawled to my other side and placed her head on my shoulder as Grey filled the spoon with soup and blew on it. He lifted the spoon to my mouth and although I didn't have the appetite, I let him feed me.
Xile was awfully quiet, and I knew exactly why. She didn't do so well when I only had a mere cold, I could only imagine the things going through her head now.
For most of her life, I was the only person she had and if the littlest thing happened to me she'd completely isolate herself from everyone until she was sure I was okay again.
I tilted my head, motioning to her and Grey nodded before he took the tray from the bed and placed it on his nightstand.
He walked to the other side of the bed where she was and sat next to her. "What's wrong?" he asked her as he took her hand in his.
"I was so scared; I can't lose you guys. I can't."
"You won't," I said taking her other hand.
"You don't know that." she scoffed removing her head from my shoulder.
"I do. I won't let anything happen to you or your mom." Grey said, "How about you join us at mom's doctor's appointment in a couple of days? Will that make you feel any better?"
"I guess," she said and then realization hit her, "Wait, so does that mean I'll have a sibling soon?" she said excitedly.
I laughed, "It means we can try for a baby, the doctor said he couldn't guarantee it, but we have to at least try."
"I call dibs on naming!" she says pointing at both of us with her eyebrows scrunched together.
"Whatever you want little one," Grey said as he ruffled her hair.
With the help of Grey, I had a bath and washed my hair in an effort not to look like the epitome of death anymore.
After I changed into a comfortable underwear set, Grey handed me the pain meds the doctor prescribed me, and I took them before I stood in front of the mirror. I ran the tips of my fingers over the incision that now sat under my belly button.
Over time the scar from when I'd first gotten the procedure done had faded but seeing this one now only reminded me of when I'd seen it for the first time when I was younger.
Grey stood behind me and placed his hands on my hips and I looked into his eyes through the mirror with tears in mine.
I couldn't quite decipher if they were tears of joy or sadness. I had so much to be sad about but even more to be happy about. God, this was the most perplexing feeling I ever felt.
I tilted my head back and leaned into his touch.
He took my hand that brushed the incision and snaked his fingers with mine. He ran both of our fingers over it, never breaking eye contact with me. "You're so beautiful." He whispered in my ear, and I smiled. Tears dripped down my face and he turned me, so I was facing him. He wiped the tears away with an ever-delicate thumb.
He smiled and kissed my forehead before he lowered himself onto his knees.
His fingers trailed the incision, giving it his undying attention before he placed kisses along it. I squirmed as it tickled. He looked up at me and continued kissing me softly as he ran his hand up and down my side.
"God, I love you," he mumbled, and I smiled as I tangled my fingers in his dark hair.
I suddenly started bawling hysterically and he stood and pulled me to his chest.
I was trying so hard not to let the loss of our baby bother me, but no matter what, it did. And if I was being completely honest, I knew it was my fault. It was my fault I lost my baby, and it was maddening me more and more by the second.
There were countless times I could have gone to the doctor and just checked but I was scared.
I'd never let my fear dictate anything in my life ever again.
The physical and mental pain was too overbearing. So, I refused to feel. Think. Anything that had to do with the past couple of weeks. Instead, I pressed the blackout effect on the windows, turned off the lights, climbed into bed, and watched Harry Potter as I colored on my iPad, blocking out everyone once again.
Before I knew it, it was dark out and my eyes were slowly closing on their own.
Leaving the tv on, I placed my iPad on the nightstand and turned on my side. I closed my eyes and Grey wrapped his arm around me. "Talk to me, let me in. I want to know what you're thinking." He whispered. "Don't shut me out again, I can't handle it." he pleaded, and I felt a pang in my heart.
"I'm sorry," I whispered not wanting him to know I was crying. But he knew, he always knew when something was wrong.
He buried his face in my neck and he let me cry as he squeezed my hand.
"I understand how you're feeling, I'm hurting too," he said.
"You don't," I said dryly.
"Ana"
I pushed his hand away from mine and got off the bed. "It's not the same, you know it's not. You're not the one that physically failed our baby. I lost the baby because I was too weak, too scared to face my fears." I said throwing my hands in the air. "I lost our baby...I lost my baby," I mumbled as I turned and looked out at the dark forest.
I used my forearm in an attempt to dry the tears that wouldn't stop.
I heard shuffling before I saw him standing behind me in the reflection of the glass. He only barely touched my shoulders when I pulled away from him as if his touch burnt my skin.
"Please," he said stepping forward as I backed away from him, wrapping my arms around my body like I was protecting myself from something. His eyes dropped to my arms hugging my body and then they found my eyes again.
The only expression on his face was hurt, complete and utter hurt.
And my soul shattered.