Chapter 41: Understand
After nearly five minutes of walking down Park Avenue, I finally found the ideal location for the upcoming stirring confrontation. It wasn't as dark as I had hoped, but it was enough.
I casually slid my hands inside my burgundy, long trench coat pocket as I halted my feet. I could still feel him around, tailing like some predator hunting for food. Except that I was not the prey he should be haunting for.
"I just realized why this city was often called the city that never sleeps," I said, even though he was still hiding somewhere in the shadows. "Aside from the obvious fact that the streets never gets emptied, this city is where the dreams are made of. Everyone here is up to something. Everyone is looking for something. Everyone is a stranger. It's not so ideal to trust a stranger, is it?"
I slowly turned around to face the man standing beneath the lamppost. He was dressed in a hooded black leather jacket. He was looking me in the eyes.
"It's been a long time, Mr. Admiral. What brought you here?" I stood still, just staring back at him. "I must commend your bravery to show up in front of me after everything."
"I came here about Kathlysse..."
It was after he talked that I felt the cold that the heavy snow failed to make me. His voice was deep and unemotional. It almost sounded like this was the first time he had spoken for a long time.
"Alam na niya ang ginawa mo, Nathalia. Na ikaw ang kumuha ng scandal video at nagpakalat nito." Mula sa lamig at napalitan ng galit ang kanyang boses.
I nodded. "I wasn't too concerned about it, but how did you feel when you found out?"
I bet he got more affected than her. Did I just miss the most exciting part? What was his reaction when he first learned about that vile part of me?
He should be the one impressing me, but he ended up being disappointed in me instead. How funny is that? That's not how it works.
"Nathalia..." he said, his voice threatening. "That was really low of you."
"Are you here to punish me?" I pushed the irony further. "Go ahead, then. What is my punishment, Mr. Admiral?"
He started walking toward me. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya. Sinubukan kong pasukin ang kanyang isipan, pero nung mapasok ko ay wala akong nalaman.
Kristan's thoughts were empty and hollow. There was nothing in it.
"W-why did you do that?" he asked.
From cold to enraged, he now sounded concerned.
"I just do random things when I'm bored," I explained in my weak voice. "Let's not pretend that scandal didn't help her career. Bad publicity is still publicity. I did her a favor after all."
"Not everyone is as desperate as you, Nathalia."
It only took him a few words to restore the wave of emotions that I had bled to control. Akala ko ay napahupa ko na ang lahat, pero ngayong kaharap ko na siya ay muli itong umapaw.
"Kathlysse showed nothing but kindness to you. She has always been on your side. I don't understand. Why is it so hard for you to trust?"
"How fucking dare you ask me about that when you've become one of the reasons I find it difficult to trust, Kristan?"
"I never turned my back on you."
"What is it, then?" My first balled up inside my trench coat's pocket. "Didn't you swear to stand by me no matter what? Where were you when I didn't have anyone? Where were you when I hoped for help?"
"You always remind me that you don't need my help, Nathalia. And I trusted you that time. I trusted that you would survive that accident without any doubt." He shook his head. "You would survive whatever happened. Kathlysse wouldn't. If I didn't help her, she was more likely dead by now."
"I survived. She did, too. Do you know who didn't? You."
I smiled. Hindi ako makapaniwalang bumabalik na naman kami sa usapin na 'to. Tinapos na niya ang relasyon niya sa akin. Nasasanay na akong wala siya.
"I have always been faithful to you, Nathalia. Alam kong iba na ang tingin mo sa akin ngayon, pero gusto ko lang malaman mo na kahit kailan ay hindi kita tinalikuran."
"Tinalikuran mo ako nung gabing umalis ka, Kristan."
Hindi ko namalayan na nangilid na naman ang mga luha sa mata ko habang nakatingin sa kanya. Habang siya ay tila isa ring poste ng ilaw na nakatayo lang.
"I am disappointed in you," he said.
"Did you just follow me all the way here to express your dissatisfaction with me?"
Fucking hell. I despise the fact that no matter how much he irritated me, he still had the audacity to speak to me in this manner, and I was more than willing to have another argument. Was I hoping to understand him? Or was I hoping his words would somehow make sense? Because I don't understand.
"I came here to understand you," he explained, which was exactly what I hoped. "Baka sakaling may mabigat kang dahilan kung bakit mo nagawa 'yon sa kanya."
I laughed, mockingly. "Let's just say, desperate time calls desperate measures. Matagal na ako sa industriyang ito, Kristan. Mas matagal kaysa sa nakilala kita."
"You were seriously thinking Kathlysse would turn her back on you?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong niya. "She doesn't deserve this. You don't deserve her."
"Do you seriously think I fucking care? Eat her ass."
My vulgar words jolted his face into extreme repulsion. That's exactly what I expected from a noble man who only spews noble words from his novel beliefs and principles.
I've never met someone as noble as him.
"I want to think you are just really embodying this bold and fierce personality of the woman who has the world in the palm of her hands. This is just one of the many yous, after all." He laughed for the first time. "I wanted to know you because I was hoping to understand you. But the funny thing was, how would I know you if you don't even know yourself?"
"You don't need to know me to know what I am capable of."
"Do you know yourself, Nathalia? Out of all the personalities and lives you've lived, who has the real you? Who holds you?"
"I don't belong to anywhere or anyone. Never will I be."
"You are so fond of enjoying the freedom that you don't even realize you are already lost. Cannot you see, Nathalia? You are lost."
"I would rather stay wandering forever than settle down, Mr. Admiral."
Isang anino ang lumitaw sa likod ni Kristan. Bago ko pa man mapagtanto ang maaaring mangyari ay nakalapit agad sa akin si Kathlysse. Naramdaman ko ang bigat ng kanyang palad sa pisngi ko.
"Fuck you, Nathalia!" She was about to slap me again, but I held her arm this time. Walang humpay ang pagtulo ng luha sa kanyang mga mata. "You are a selfish bitch. You are..."
Hinila siya ni Kristan palayo sa akin, pero tinulak siya ni Kathlysse saka rin sinampal. Hindi lang isa o dalawang sampal ang inabot niya. Pero hindi gaya ko ay ininda lahat 'yon ni Kristan.
The way I watched her slap him hurt more than her slap on me.
"Don't touch me!" Kathlysse screamed, sobbing even harder.
"You are drunk. Let me take you home," Kristan calmly asked her. "Please? I will try to explain everything."
"No." Madiin na pinunasan ni Kathlysse ang luha sa kanyang mga mata. "I was hurt that Nathalia was the person responsible for my darkest days, but I was even more hurt that you were involved, Kristan. I always thought you were good."
Well, that was what I thought, too.
Instead of defending himself by claiming that he was not involved in what I had done, Kristan tried to approach her again. Umatras lang si Kathlysse at hindi nagpahawak.
"I-I almost didn't survive it," she whispered before turning her head to me. "Ironically, you are one of the reasons why I made it until here, Nathalia. You are one of the reasons why I tried to be strong when I was about to lose my mind. I didn't know you were also the reason why I had been through that."
Ito ang unang pagkakataon na naapektuhan ako ng mga salita ni Kathlyse. Ni hindi ko man lang magawang magsalita at isumbat na may mali rin siya dahil pumatol siya sa isang lalaking ikakasal na dapat.
Napaupo si Kathlysse sa daan na tila hinang-hina dahil sa pagkabigo. Nanatili kami ni Kristan na nakatayo at nakatingin lang sa kanya. Isang malakas na sigaw pa ang lumabas sa bibig ni Kathlysse.
"I still cannot believe it..." mapakla siyang tumawa. "I didn't really want to believe that the woman I always looked up to would do something like this. That really hurts."
Napatingin ako kay Kristan. Nakatingin na rin siya sa akin na parang may gustong makita sa akin. Maybe he was expecting that I would somehow regret what I did.
I felt a pang of guilt in my chest. That's all.
Mayamaya pa ay tumayo na rin si Kathlysse. Kinuha niya ang kanyang cell phone sa pouch. May pinindot siya roon bago tinapat sa akin ang screen.
"This is you..."
She showed me the footage of me taking their videos.
"I had this video for a few weeks now," she said. "I didn't know what to do with this. Should I file a court case against you? Should I ruin you too the same way you tried to do with me?"
"There was nothing to ruin about you," I should have said that, but I didn't want to add fuel to the fire anymore. Instead, I just said, "You can do anything you want to do with that, Miss Merlington."
"But now I realized what I should do." Kathlysse deleted the video and kept the phone back in the pouch. She smiled at me. "I will never be like you instead."
That's when she walked away.
Kristan and I were left dumbfounded. I didn't expect it would escalate like that. I was aware that what I did to Kathlysse was not the most strategic thing I had ever committed, but what's done is done.
I sniffed and pouted my lips. "That made me sad. I lost one fan."
That honestly made me sad. No sarcasm.
Nanatiling nakatalikod sa akin si Kristan at nakatulala lang sa daan na tinahak ni Kathlysse. Mukhang alam na rin niyang wala na siya uuwian ngayon.
"Enjoy your stay on the streets," I smirked and started walking away.
I was just a few meters away when I heard him say, "As long as I remember, pumayag lang akong magtrabaho kay Kathlysse para hindi ako mahiwalay sa 'yo nang tuluyan."
Shit. What the fuck is he saying? Why am I listening?
"When I left you that night, I didn't completely vanish. I secretly followed you in the dark. Nakasunod ako sa 'yo hanggang sa binisita mo siya sa ospital. That's when I thought the nearest I could ever get to you was to work with her. That worked for me. It may not be the most comfortable I have ever been, but as long as I still get to you, I was fine with it."
I should have left by now, but I stood there like my feet were nailed to the ground. Ayokong sa dami ng masasakit na salitang binitiwan niya sa akin, nagagawa pa rin niya akong kunin.
I was not built for this.
Kristan suddenly appeared in front of me. Now that we'd gotten this close. I could see his face clearly. He appeared paler than the last time I saw him. His eyes were colder now, but they still looked the same to me.
"I told you, Nathalia. The least thing you should worry about me is betraying you. No. I am not saying this for you to take me back—"
"Good," I said, cutting him off. "Because the moment you left me, you lost your place in my life permanently, and no explanation will make your situation any better."
He nodded. "Hindi rin naman akong umaasang makakabalik pa ako sa 'yo. But I don't want you to misunderstand me. Kung alam kong mas kailangan mo ako nung mga pagkakataon na 'yon ay hindi ako mag-aatubiling iwan ang lahat para sa 'yo."
Natutop ako sa kinatatayuan ko. Ang mga salita niya ay ang mga salitang matagal kong inasam na marinig mula sa kanya. Na kung nagkabaliktad ang sitwasyon ay ako ang pupuntahan niya.
He would come for me instead if only I were the most vulnerable at that time. That thought put ease to the wild crashing waves filling up my chest.
Everything somehow made sense now. How he came for her aid instead of me. Alam ko naman na 'yon, eh. Na mas pinili niyang sagipin ang mas mahina. Siguro ay hindi ko lang matanggap na hindi ako ang pinili niya.
No matter what, he should prioritize me.
"I am a vampire," he admitted, smiling. "I don't want to bear the burden of neglecting someone to death forever. Mahina ako roon."
"T-then why did you lie that you didn't remember me?"
Asking that means that I want to understand him more. Gusto kong gumaan ang pakiramdam ko at hanggat hindi malinaw ang parte na 'yon ay hindi ako makakaahon.
"I didn't lie about that. I easily forget things, Nathalia. I don't have a permanent memory. Everything fades into nothing. That's why I have been working hard, just not to forget you."
"Okay..." Suminghap ako ng hangin. "Naiintindihan ko."
Maybe I just overanalyzed everything again.
Shit.
I want to be a good woman in the next life, but I cannot help but start now. Because I still want him in it. I want him to be part of my next life, after this.
"All I ever wanted was to come back to you," he said, shaking his head. "Be your slave again and do everything you want me to do. As I said..." he swallowed, and I knew at that moment that he was about to ruin me again. "I will never betray you, but I will also not tolerate your wrongdoings."
"So Kathlysse making out with an engaged man is right?"
"Responding to wrongdoing by doing another wrong thing won't make anything right. So does to tolerate it."
I laughed sarcastically. "Oo nga pala. Bagong salta ka pa lang sa mundong ito. You barely experience anything. Bad news, Mr. Admiral. You will commit more as time passes by."
"Accidentally and intentionally are not the same—"
"Wait until you get to a point where deciding which is which is not even an option. You just go and take the consequence." I shook my head. "I admire how firm your beliefs are, Kristan. But it's just a matter of time until you realize that you cannot go somewhere without leaving your place."
Tumingin na lang siya sa akin sa pagkakataong ito. Alam kong nagsisimula na naman kaming bumuo ng alitan, pero sa pagkakataong ito ay mas pinalawak ko ang isipan ko.
Kristan should experience everything firsthand to learn it. After all, you cannot take something seriously until it happens to you. That's the harsh truth.
"You know what, Kristan?" Sumandal ako sa pader nung mangawit ang likod ko. "My two brothers have their own slaves, too. I was a witness of how those slaves struggled to accept their fates."
"Do you think this is easy for me?" he chuckled. "It's not easy to serve the most famous model with the most beautiful face, but with a horrific attitude at the same time."
I was blushing. Hindi ko inakalang nagawa ko pang ma-flatter sa kabila ng lahat.
"But I am learning..." he said. "I am slowly learning to handle you."
"You don't need to handle me anymore. We are over."
"Are we?" he smirked.
"What?"
Umayos na siya ng tayo. "I will still try to talk to Kathlysse. Hindi ko siya puwedeng pabayaan nang gano'n lang. She has been good to me."
"Go ahead. Hindi mo kailangang magpaalam sa akin."
"I will get back to you after."
"Wala kang babalikan sa akin—"
"Then, just kill me. It's either to serve you or just die. I will lose my purpose if I lose you anyway. See you soon, milady."
Napabuga ako ng hangin.
"It's not easy to serve me? I bet my brothers would laugh at my face if they found out how you treated me," I whispered to myself.
I completely forgot that I was going to invite him to the party.