It was on Sunday, are usual date-day. The sun is just perfectly hitting on us, not too bright and hot. And the tree as our shelter for this picnic day.
Matteo is laying down on my lap, pretending to sleep. How did I know? Dahil pagalaw-galaw ang mata niya at panay kurap din nito. Gustong gusto niya kasi na hinihimas ko ang buhok niya kapag matutulog.
I chuckled because of his clinginess.
I just wore a white and a light blue fitted dress and a white shoes. I let my brown wavy hair down and let the wind ruffle it. And my cute-little boyfriend matched his outfit with me. He asked me what I was wearing so I sent him a picture and I was shocked when I saw him wearing a plain white t-shirt partnered with a light blue khaki shorts. He was wearing a denim jacket but he took it off to cover my thighs.
"Babe, I have a question." I said.
He didn't respond and I felt him stiffened, trying not to make a move. I just laughed and hit his arm.
"Come on, I know you're awake." Pag-amin ko.
Agad naman siyang napabangon at lumingon sa akin nang naniningkit ang mata. "How did you know?" Tanong niya.
"You're so obvious kaya! Your eyes were moving around." I just laughed at him.
"Oh, I can't be an actor. So what was your question about?" Pagbalik niya sa tanong ko.
"I was curious lang to what is your plan for us in the future.. you know. Like our f-family? I-If you can see me as your.. uhm.. wife. Since we've been together for years already. If you ever have a plan lang." Kabadong kabado ako sa isasagot niya.
He chuckled first before turning his back on me. Then get one strawberry in the basket before sitting beside me. His head on my left shoulder while biting the fruit.
"What was the point of making you my girlfriend if I plan to marry someone else? Of course, babe, it's my dream to have you as my wife and the mother of my children. Is 7 kiddos would be enough?" He asked seriously.
"Seven?! Nahihibang ka ba?" Napalingon tuloy ako sa kanya.
Akala niya yata ganoon kadali manganak. Napapanood ko minsan paano ilabas ang sanggol sa ari ng babae at talaga namang nakakapag pabago nang isip ko kung mag aampon na lang ba ako o hindi na mag a-anak.
"Isn't seven your favorite number? Six boys and a princess. What do you think?" Pinipilit niya pa.
"Iba na lang pala gawin mong ina ng mga anak mo!" Sigaw ko.
"Are you sure?" He said with a teasing smile.
"Joke lang pala. Pero hindi ba pwedeng bawasan? Baka naman maging losyang ako sa pito." Pagmamaka-awa ko sa kanya. Ayaw ko ng ganoon!
"I know, babe. I was just teasing you. Your body will decide how big will be our family."
Sabay halik sa aking sentido.
"After we get married, let's not rush having a baby. I want a year with you as my husband first."
Gusto ko muna maranasan ang buhay na may asawa bago maging ina. Alam ko kasi na mas malaki na ang resposibilidad kapag nagka-anak na kami. Syempre gagawa rin muna kami ng family planning bago ang lahat.
"Okay. We'll be each other's baby first."
He was the only one I could think that I want to spend the rest of my lives with. I would do anything for that to happen. Masyado ng matagal ang pinagsamahan naming dalawa at hindi ko rin maisip na iba ang kasama ko kapag ginawa ko ulit yon. It just felt wrong.
At alam kong may mali na rin akong nararamdaman sa relasyon naming dalawa.
One time umuwi siya sa condo naming dalawa na parang pagod na pagod. Hindi makausap ng maayos at tila may malalim na iniisip. Syempre tinanong ko siya pero laging sagot niya na pagod lang sa trabaho. I know that it was a lie. And it hurt me that it was so obvious that he was feeding me lies.
I'm afraid of what might happen. And the truth. I'm afraid that that'll be the reason of our break up. No! I wouldn't let that happen! Hanggat maaari aayusin namin ang problema. Para saan pa ang tagal na pinagsamahan namin? But seeing him like that? I know that the problem is big and serious that he cannot open it up to me.
I would also cry every night that I feel like I'm starting to lose him. I kept on denying it. I can't lose him. Not my only person. Not my only home.
We are already sleeping on our bed. And with our usual position, he's scooping me over him. While I'm silently crying and covering my mouth. Because it felt different. It doesn't give me assurance anymore that we're okay.
I removed his hand on my stomach and wore my slippers. Dahan dahan akong pumuntang C.R para mag hilamos. Still crying. I cannot keep up with this anymore. I know that even we are couples we still have personal space. And I'm waiting for him to talk it to me whenever he's ready. But I think it would just create my trust issue to him if it would take longer.
Inayos ko ang sarili ko bago lumabas nang banyo. Hihiga na dapat ulit ako nang makita na umilaw ang cellphone niya. May nag text. Hindi ko na dapat papakialamanan dahil privacy niya iyon pero iba ang pakiramdam ko rito. Kinakabahan ako na natatakot mabasa.
I'm tired of being just curious to what's happening and waiting on him. So I grabbed his phone and opened it.
' UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Nasabi mo na ba kay Athena ang tungkol sa amin?'
Anong dapat sasabihin sa akin? At anong tungkol sa kanila? Masama na talaga ang kutob ko rito. Nalilito ako nang may panibagong mensahe.
' UNKNOWN NUMBER:
'Wag mo sabihing hindi ka pa rin naniniwala? Binigay ko na sa iyo ang patunay sa sinasabi ko. Parang awa mo na Matteo, hirap na hirap na kaming dalawa. Responsibilidad mo pa rin ito.'
And that made me frozen more. Curiosity took over my system. Anong tinatago nilang dalawa sa akin? At sino ito?
Bumaba akong kama at lumapit sa may bag niya. Tinignan ko pa muna siya bago buksan ito. Malapit lang ito sa bintana kaya nasisinagan pa rin ng ilaw mula sa labas.
Inisa-isa ko ang mga laman at nilabas. May nakita akong brown envelope na walang nakasulat sa labas kung ano ito. Naglalaman ito ng mga papel. Kinuha ko muna ang cellphone ko para buksan ang flashlight.
Na sana hindi ko na lang ginawa. Na sana tinulog ko na lang ito at hinintay pa siya.
It's a DNA test.
Pagod ako at namumugto man ang mga mata pero naiintindihan ko ang nakasulat dito. Sa unang papel nakasulat ang pangalan ng dalawang babae. Isang nasa 26 years old at alam kong pamilyar sa akin ang pangalan hindi ko lang maalala kung sino at isa namang 5 years old. Positive ang resulta at ang ibig sabihin ay magka dugo silang dalawa. Pagkakuha ko sa isang papel ay nagulat ako nang makita ang pangalan ni Matteo at ang batang babae. Tinignan ko ang resulta. Positive! They are blood-related!
It can't be! No! No... No... Hindi pwede! May anak na siya? I can't be wrong. Pero nang maalala ko ang nag text sa kanya ay unti-unti nakukuha ko na ang ideya. Pero paano?
Patuloy ang luha ko sa pag-agos at panay iling sa nabubuong ideya ng utak ko. Kaya ba parang ang lalim lagi ng iniisip niya? Ito ba 'yon? I want answer!
Nilingon ko siya at parehas kaming gulat ang mukha pagkaharap. Nagmamadali siyang bumaba nang kama at ako naman ay napatayo.
"Ito ba? Ito ba 'yung tin-tinatago mo sa a-akin?" My voice cracked while showing him the papers. "Sagutin mo ako, ano 'to?! Matteo naman!" Mas lalo lang ako naiyak.
"Babe, let me explain. I also didn't-"
"May anak ka na? P-Paano? Kanino 'to? Nambabae ka? Kailan? Bakit... B-Bakit mo nagawa sa'kin 'to?! Mahal mo ako, 'di ba?"
Nakikita ko na rin siyang umiiyak at hirap mag salita. Hirap na hirap na rin ako at gusto na masagot ang tanong. Pero hindi ko rin maisip kung kakayanin ko ba ang isasagot niya.
"Oo.. totoo na may anak na ako pero hindi ko alam! Nito ko lang din nalaman. Please! Si Shaira.. 'yung ex ko. Nakipag-usap siya sa akin at sinabi ang tungkol d-dyaan. Please don't leave me, babe. I cannot lose you! I love you, Athena, please!" Lumuhod pa siya sa akin at nagmamakaawa. Hindi maintindihan kung hahawakan niya ba ako o ano.
Hindi ko magawang tumingin sa kanya. Lalo ngayon na nagmamakaawa siya dahil nalaman ko na ang totoo. Hindi na rin ako makahinga nang maayos dahil sa sitwasyon. Bakit kailangang ito pa ang maging problema namin? Ang saya-saya at mahal namin ang isa't-isa. Hindi ko matanggap. Pero hindi ko pa rin maintindihan. Hindi ko alam ano ang gagawin at saan mag uumpisa. Malinaw naman ang sinabi niya. May anak siya.. sa ex niya. Dati niyang minahal. Dati niyang plinano ang future niya.
Tinanggal ko ang kamay niya na nakahawak sa paa ko at nilagpasan siya pero bigla niya akong niyakap mula sa likod at humagulgol nang iyak.
"Parangawa mo na, Athena, huwag mo akong iiwan, please! Mahal na mahal kita. Hindi.. Hindi ko kaya mawala ka. Papanagutan ko naman 'yung bata, e. Basta tayo pa rin..." Pagmamaka-awa niya.
"Naririnig mo ba sinasabi mo?!" Hinarap ko na siya "Bata pa rin 'yon.. at kailangan niya ng isang ama. Alam ko ang pakiramdam na nakikihati ng atensyon at ayaw ko noon. Matteo.. bata ang pinag-uusapan natin dito. A-Anak mo. Kadugo mo. Galing sayo. Responsibilidad mo." Umiiyak kong sabi. Hindi ko matanggap.
"Pero ikaw ang mahal ko! Papanagutan ko naman, e! Hindi ko kayang mawala ka. Believe me, mahal na mahal kita. Hindi ko alam na nag bunga 'yung sa amin ni.. Please.. ayusin natin 'to. Athena naman." Pagmamakaawa pa niya.
"Ayusin? Tingin mo magiging maayos pa relasyon natin ngayon na may anak ka na? Alam mong lumaki akong walang magulang at iniwan kami ng tatay ko! A-At... At ayaw kong magaya sa akin 'yung bata. Anak din ako. I cannot lose you and I love you so damn much, believe me. I also dreamed of our future and promised to myself that I will fight for our relationship no matter what... but with this? You have a child. I don't.. really know what to do. I didn't even think about this about our possible problem! I hope you understand me."
Mahirap din ito para sa akin pero wala na akong magagawa. Hindi ko kayang makihati ng atensyon sa isang bata. Sa anak ng mahal ko. Parehas lang kaming magiging kawawa at alam kong pagseselosan ko siya. Hindi ko na rin maintindihan ang tamang gagawin. Litong lito na ako. Hindi magawang mag sink in ang nangyayari. We were happy. We were in loved. I know that it was true and I didn't regret that. But I don't know what to do.. this is a very serious problem for us. And it's not helping that I value responsibilities over anything.
"Be a responsible man, Matteo. Don't be like my father who was a coward of his responsibilities. You know how hard it was for me to live my life.. incomplete and questioning myself. Your ch-child... your family... they needed you more than me. And I cannot also let my child share the attention that she deserves. She deserve a hundred percent.. and your daughter also deserves that." I said.
After that ay tuluyan na akong umalis. Hindi ko rin alam saan pupunta at paano mag sisimula. Ang bigat sa dibdib pakawalan ang taong mahal mo. Pero hindi ko rin hahayaan na mag hirap kaming lahat sa darating na panahon at nag-aagawan nang atensyon. Hindi ganoong buhay ang pinangarap ko para sa anak ko. Pinangako ko na hindi ko ipararanas sa kanya ang naranasan kong paghihirap. Sana nga.. sana nga tama lang ang desisyon ko.
I cried so much the other day when I saw him packed his things and ready to leave our condo. I still cannot believe that this is happening to our relationship.
"I'll be the man that you wanted. Please be reminded that I love you so much more than my whole life and I will choose you over anything or anyone. But it was you who wanted this.. you want me to be not like your father who was a coward of his responsibilities." Matteo said with his tired eyes.
I cried again. I also want you to be the father of my child but I cannott let you to be a father of two children on different woman.
"I hope this is the best decision for us. I'll try my best to love my family and give them what they deserve. And you also deserved to be loved by the man that you are his only priority."
That was his last words to me.
I was the one who decided to part our ways but I'm so fool to hide here behind a tree while witnessing their wedding.
Kanina pa ako iyak nang iyak at nasasaktan sa nakikita ko. Pangarap namin iyan, e. Ako dapat ang kasama niya. Kami dapat dalawa ang nasa harapan at nanunumpa sa harapan ng Panginoon. Kami iyon sa pangarap namin. Pero hindi na pwede. Iba na ang tumupad noon para sa akin.
And there, I saw them. Walking together leaving the church and starting a new beginning to be better. A little girl suddenly ran towards the bride.
Hindi nga magkaka mali na anak nilang dalawa iyon dahil sa unang tingin pa lang makikita na ang pinaghalong mukha ni Matteo at ng kanyang asawa.
Asawa. Funny how I always imagined of being his wife but now I'm here witnessing the result of my decision. He's smiling widely while carrying his daughter and holding the waist of his wife. They looked like they are so inlove of each other and a happy family.
I don't know what's keeping me here watching him disappearing from my life. From all the promises we promised. From the plans that we planned. From the love that we felt. And from being my home.
We promised to walked together and live with each other. But now, I guess I'll have to walk alone. He will still continue walking but not with the woman he promised with. He will walk together with his new home.
I started walking towards my car. It used to be our car but he left it with me. Pagkapasok ko roon ko lang nalabas ang kanina ko pang pinipigilan na emosyon. The memories flashbacks to my mind. How we first met, our first in everything, how we shared each other's things, how we fought and make it up after, how we loved and took care of each other, how we promised and planned together. It will all be just in a memory. A good one. A memorable memory.
So I'll just shut my eyes, forget that he is mine. Because I know one word would make me go rushing back to him.
I know that when you say you can't lose me and let's build our relationship together again, I will rushed back to you and take all the risks, eating what I said.
So before it's too late, I'll take a step away.
I drove the car not knowing where to go. I'm just driving it wherever it leads me. Just to sink in the reality. I still cannot accept it. And it hurts more because I'm the one who decided to this. I wanted this. This is what I told him what I wanted. And I don't know how to start a new beginning. I don't know how to start again.
My mind is clouded, my emotion is on vague, and my eyes are starting to dim. Tears won't stop from falling and expressing how I'm so broken hearted.
With my eyes shut I still continue on driving and hearing only my car. I can't hear any noise. That's when I decided to open my eyes but a sound was made. And it shocked me. I'm scared. One wrong move and my car will go down on the water.
There's no one who can help me. Only myself. And that's impossible. I'm just holding the accelerator to stop it from going down. I'm still fighting.
But then, I remember. I don't know how to start my life anymore. I don't have a family. I don't have a bigger responsibility. And I don't have the man I want to spend the rest of my lives with. What's the point of living? To whom I will fight for? Is this the time?
I reminisce the times when I was happy and wanted to live a longer life. I just felt sadness because it was all with him. I am happy when I'm with him. I want to live longer because of him. And now that he's gone, how am I gonna live?
I breathe while taking it all in.
I am not just a fool but also a coward when I moved my foot from the accelerator of my car.
You need to survive every problem to live because that's how life. Don't give up on a problem even when it drains you already. That's what I always reminded to myself when I'm at my down. But this time, I just smiled...
Before it sinks in.
You're at the end of the story.
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