When I left James' room for mine, Malachi was waiting, sitting on my bed looking like a father waiting up for his teenage daughter to get home past curfew. Except for his yellow eyes, eyes that always looked more like a predator than a parent.
"What?" I asked flatly.
"I was watching, from here. And he seems...like he used to be, back in his father's house, back when we were young." Malachi's tone was halfway between confessional and informative, showing he was just as unsure as I was, though he was trying very hard to hide it.
"Like he used to be. Like you used to be. Like he is again. Apparently a stay in Baraqiel's home has the same effect on everyone - hollowing and soul-stealing."
Malachi raised a finger in dramatic fashion as if correcting me.
"Soul-burying. He's never actually succeeded in stealing our souls, or in keeping them at least."
"I guess he isn't such a good collector after all." I muttered, dry as the dessert.
There was a beat of silence before Malachi burst out laughing and I felt it like a window breaking, shattering the tension in the room and letting fresh air in. I laughed too, ridiculous laughter, crazed and manic, until we were both bent over, crying and gasping and wheezing. Until our abs hurt, lungs burned and we had headaches from the pressure.
"That was a shit joke," he choked out.
"You laughed first, idiot."
"Well, I have a terrible sense of humor." He grinned and I wished he always looked like that; happy and young and carefree. I wanted him to be happy so badly, he deserved it. Or maybe he didn't, but I still wanted it for him.
I looked around.
"Where's Ailech?"
He closed his eyes briefly.
"Hmm...he's with Nevaeh, talking." He opened his eyes to roll them like that was the worst thing they could be doing. "Kael is with that Nymph of his, laying in her lap as she braids his hair. And Abby is...resting."
I ignored the other answers he tried to distract me with and soldiered on.
"And how was your shower with him earlier?"
My voice smirked even if my lips didn't.
"Less pleasant than you might imagine," he replied wryly. His piercings clicked in his mouth as he tried to stop his small smile from showing.
I changed my tone to more serious, not sure why I was even asking. It just seemed important - to him and his happiness - and therefore to me.
"And now he's with Nevaeh?"
"That's fine."
"I didn't say it wasn't."
"Good. Because it is. I'm just playing anyway. That's all I ever do. You should know that."
I watched him for a long moment until he laid back in my bed to avoid my gaze, his feet still planted on my floor, his hands pillowed behind his head. I didn't believe him, and he knew it, but I left it. The silence wound on into something relaxed, easy, until Malachi broke it.
"Where's James?"
"You check."
"I asked you first."
"I'm the leader."
He let out a bark of laughter. "You know we don't work that way - and that's your own damn fault. Can't change the rules now, sis."
I rolled my eyes, which he didn't see, before diving into my Sight and trying to find James.
It was easy. He was like a beacon to me, shining with something other than light.
Energy? Power? Lightening.
His electricity reached out from him, disturbing the air, the space, the entire room he occupied, filling it. He was alone in a mess hall, and from the looks of it, it hadn't been empty just a few minutes earlier. I didn't blame the Mages for fleeing. Having 'good' Darklings under their roof was one thing, but a Fallen, and not a particularly light one...if I was mainly Human I would keep my distance too.
He ate like Malachi did, like he knew what being hungry was and didn't want to feel it anytime soon. I felt a little prick of pain at that, of sympathy. And as soon as I realized what it was, recognized and named it, I clung to it, trying to grow it, to fan the little flame. I wanted to feel something for him, even if it wasn't James. Or maybe it was. Maybe he was right when he said he was still him. How could he not be? I wasn't sure what I believed. But I knew I felt a weak, cracked connection to him...and I wanted to, I wanted that. So I fed that little flame, fanning it gently. Even if I tried to tell myself it was only because he was a link to Heaven, that it was his power pulling me in - I didn't really care. I wanted to want him.
Regardless of where it came from, I felt something, and that was all that mattered in the moment.
"I'm going to go train with him. Please-"
"Stay away, I know. I will." Malachi cut me off in a bored tone I knew was feigned.
"Thank you."
He propped himself up on his elbows to watch me, rapid metallic clicks signaling that he was mulling over something more. I waited before he plopped back down and the moment blew away like the pathetic shield I had tried to use again James. It wasn't until I turned to the door that he mumbled words I doubted he had ever said before.
"Love you."
I smiled at the door I was facing, careful to not tense in any way he could see, though I knew he was still laying on the bed, staring at my ceiling.
"I love you too."
And then I left, following the wire that connected me to the Angel that was halfway to a gym already.
» ✦ «
My stomach hurt. And I knew why. Emotions had never been a strong skillset of mine, which was twistedly hilarious considering my Gift was to manipulate them. Or maybe that's why I wasn't good with the non-useful emotions - like happiness, acceptance, love. Bleh. To everyone else, emotions were something they just had, something they grew into and learned, but for me it was something I practiced, honed, and sharpened. And I had never trained the positive ones. There was no need to. After all, how could happiness help me beat an enemy? Why did I need to feel or understand or push love when lust was so much easier to use. So I had trained the other feelings, the useful ones, the ones that came naturally to me like anger and fear, hatred and despair and hopelessness, doubt.
Maybe that's why my stomach lurched and I barely made it to my room before I threw up.
Ailech appeared, as he always did now when he felt something wrong with me, when whatever strand that connected us quivered and alerted him that I wasn't ok. I hated that he saw me like this so often: panic attacks in the shower, puking because I couldn't even say a simple sentence...I was weak, out of control. And only he knew, only he saw it. But he never teased me about it, never even mentioned it. Instead, he held my hair back as I clutched the cold porcelain.
Eventually, I stopped and sat back, wanting nothing more than a scalding shower to get the feeling of sickness off me. But Ailech continued to sit back on his heels, watching me, like he had no plans on leaving.
"Go back to...go relax and do whatever it was you were doing before. I'm fine now."
"First, you know what I was doing. Second, I don't think you are ok right now. And third, I want to stay. So, unless that's an order, because that's what it will take for me to leave you alone."
He put on a deep voice at the end, mimicking what I had said to Jordan not so long ago. I scowled at him. Sometimes I hated that he didn't fear me. No one would have dared to say that before, in my old life. Sometimes I liked his lack of fear, the inherent trust he had in me, that I wasn't dangerous to him. But usually it just felt strange, so I ignored it, unsure of how to respond.
I rinsed my mouth, twice, and took a deep pull from the whiskey bottle I now kept in my bathroom for instances such as this. When I offered it, he sat back, leaning against the shower more comfortably, and joined me.
» ✦ «
He was already wearing a stupid self-satisfied smirk when I entered the gymnasium. He had clearly seen me coming, and for the first time, it felt strange that he had Sight too, that he could watch me just like I could him. All the time, anytime he wished. I shook the thought.
"So what now?" I held my arms out to my side.
"I can't say I'm surprised you're here. But are you? Since I'm so awful I thought you would avoid me. Isn't that what Humans do when they dislike someone?"
"Good thing I'm not Human. Besides, we have work to do, so I'll put aside my personal feelings so we can finish what we started professionally. I have some new skills I have to practice anyway."
He quirked one eyebrow in an annoyingly attractive way. "Ooh, new skills? I'll show you mine, if..."
He let the sentence hang as he lifted his hand, his fingers splayed as bright, living sparks jumped from tip to tip. The sound of electricity crackled in the space his words should have filled. I fought the cringe that tried to surface at his show of power, a power I had already felt, a power that mirrored his father's perfectly.
"Lost your soul but found some sparklers. What a bargain." I kept my voice flat, my face empty, though my heart jumped with each white wisp of light he made dance.
"Hmm, sassy today, are we?"
His hummed growl made my stomach clench. I replied evenly with some effort.
"It's been a long week."
He clicked his tongue in agreement before speaking low.
"You have no idea."
He smiled again and I looked away. His eyes were too intense, too focused on me. But even when I looked away, I felt them, their weight against my skin, prickling.
The darkness called to me, offering its comfort, its calm, and since we were exchanging shows, I raised my hand and let the blackness coalesce in my palm, jumping and swirling like the cosmos, the universe, materialized there.
I tore my eyes away from it just in time to see his eyebrows raised, his eyes wide, a little curve at his lips. He was impressed. I smiled despite myself.
"And I didn't even have to trade my soul for it." I mused as I focused on the cloud of ink again.
"Mmh, lucky you." His smile grew, gleaming teeth like the wolf he was.
I felt strange standing there as the seconds stretched on, as he watched me, smiling like he had some plan.
"Now what?" I finally asked, irritated that he had won and I had spoken first. But I didn't have the time nor energy for his silly games, the games we had played the last time he was here too.
"Target practice."
He flicked a finger toward me without any more warning and I dove to the side to avoid the jagged line of electricity, my body reacting before my mind caught up. I rolled out of my dodge and glared at him, but he was already preparing another attack.
I spoke to the darkness in my mind then, whispering back to its constant presence, go, and it did. It wasn't like his lightning, I didn't have to direct it, push or pull it. I just had to ask and it answered. It obeyed like it was living, like it was a friend. The black shot forward and hit James in the shoulder, nonlethal, just as I had wanted. He tried to twist away to avoid it, but the dark curved, followed, because it wasn't something I shot at him, passive, it was something that hunted him upon my order, alive and hungry.
His shoulder looked burnt, but not from flame, more like time. The threads of his shirt worn away as if ancient and disintegrated, damaged skin with black spidery veins showed beneath. It was more like death, like decay than damage.
He looked at it curiously, his head cocked, before those navy eyes pierced me again.
"I like that." His voice was almost as low and rough as Malachi's and I frowned at it. It didn't sound right.
"That'll be useful," he continued, "I've never seen it before, only heard of it. Bezaliel?"
I nodded.
"And here I thought it died with him, daughter of shadows."
His smirk grated me, but I didn't show it. Instead, I shrugged, trying to match how casual he was about...everything. Cool, calm, amused, but with a sharp edge occasionally glinting, like everything was a game - until it wasn't. And then it would be too late for whoever he was playing with.
"It was dormant until you died."
He flashed a boyish smile again, crooked and disarming. "Well then, you're welcome."
"Hardly seems a smart trade to me."
"To win?" He chuckled low. "A soul is a pretty blunt weapon, but shadows that chase and devour? That'll make things interesting. But-"
"Ambriel is yours, I know."
That damn tongue poked his cheek again as he stifled another smile.
"And how would you know that was what I was going to say? Are you in my head, little shadow?" He fanned a hand over his chest in dramatic, Malachi fashion.
I rolled my eyes. These men and their theatrics.
"No, I just know you."
He smiled brighter.
"So you admit that I'm still me - your James. The James you know. Good. Glad we got over that little misunderstanding so quickly."
I glared at him as he placidly looked back.
"You are him, you're just only part of him, the dark parts. So yes, you're still him, but not the him I liked. Not all of him."
He pushed his sleeves up and I had to look away. Seeing his mauled skin was too much. It disturbed me, reminding me that the James I had known had gone through things I couldn't imagine.
"So you don't like who I am, you fear what I am, you hate my scars and my smile and eyes and nature, and you said yourself you feel no love for me - yet you're still convinced we are divinely connected and fated for each other?"
He paused and I felt my stomach tighten. His focus being solely on me felt dangerous, and then he made that rumbling sound from somewhere deep in his throat, his chest, that purring growl and I felt it vibrate through me like wind rattling winter branches and the few, dry leaves that clung to them.
"Mmh, you must really like something about me then, perhaps those memories you used to throw at me? I hear that heart of yours prancing from fear just as often as appetite."
He peeled his ruined shirt up over his head suddenly, his overgrown hair emerging as he yanked his arms out, balling the dark fabric up and tossing it to the floor. When he began to approach, I fought the urge to back away.
"What are you doing?"
I wished my voice came out calmer, but everything about him felt wrong, especially with his current motive.
"I'm right here, Gray. Let's get it out of your system so we can get to training."
His voice was silky and enticing - mine was not.
"No!" I shouted, taking two hurried steps back.
"Oh, don't worry, it won't be too difficult for me. I like the way your mouth moves."
I scowled, feeling fire fill my veins at his flippant disrespect. A growl of my own fought to climb from my chest.
"Mmh, there she is," he said approvingly. And I saw red.
"Fuck you." The snarl in my voice was audible now and I hated that too, how he made me less Human, more animalistic like him.
"That's what I'm trying to do, little wing." He smirked like dark sin, his voice dipping low enough to touch the devil.
Then his eyes blacked out, like a sole lightbulb flickering out, plunging an already haunted house into dark nothing.