FRANTIC ...
friday
productive day
chapter ten —
smiley is actually smiling!
emotion— the protagonist of the novel you're reading only ever displays emotion. when she is full of happiness or even when she wants to mourn, she smiles. she cries as well, and she'd them with great intensity, but most importantly, she still smiles almost constantly. anything you truly envy. what kind of human thing could you possibly lack? people are only human when they experience and display emotion— and you are actually lacking in only that.
as you turn the page, you sigh a little. despite the fact that it was another productive day, you chosen to read on the bench in front of the soccer field rather than engage in any physical activity or contribute to improving the school's environment. not unusual at all.
"y/n, are you joining the class soccer game?"
as you tried to read farther into the book, a voice questioned, stopping you. raising an eye, you notice that jeongho is looking at you while securing one of his hands against the harsh sunlight. you stare at him without showing any emotion for a brief period before nodding and smiling slightly. the brief smile that broke through your typically blank expression causes jeonghos' eyes to briefly expand. jeongho grinned back at you as you placed your book down and walked up to the group of kids forming teams rather than asking any questions about your smile.
and yet, here, you were voluntarily agreeing to play soccer. the majority of your classmates, who are aware of how easily you become exhausted, appeared stunned that you were actually participating in an athletic activity today.
heesung kicks the ball into the net, prompting his teammates to applaud. you applaud him and pat him on the back while smiling just a little bit, motivating him to participate as his teammates did. heesung stopped in place and his smile briefly vanished as he fixed his eyes on your slightly grinning face and the way your hand was patting his shoulder. his heart felt like it had skipped a beat, which he tried to ignore. heesung raised an eyebrow, but he wasn't sure if it was because you were applauding him or because you were grinning. "heesung isn't part of our team, y/n!" jake tells from across the field informing you with a laugh
you momentarily froze before abandoning heesung and returning to the center of the field where they had put you. as soon as jake started talking, your smile vanished and your expression went back to being blank. perhaps you made that stupid error because you have a terrible memory. and you made an effort to keep in mind your teammates as you waited in the chosen spot for the ball to come to you. your team includes jake, jungwon, jay, and a few other students whose names you can't recall but whose faces you do.
youu are startled out of your reverie as jake shouts your name, and you immediately notice the ball being tossed your way. you look around frantically as you chase after the ball, almost in a panic since you have no idea who to pass it to. so, as you sprinted, you shielded your eyes as you looked down at the ball and sensed the opposite team chasing after you and attempting to steal it. you looked up at jungwon, who was grinning at you, as he shouted, "y/n pass the ball here!" and waved his hand. You passed the ball to him after doing what he instructed.
jay runs after you and stops near you to give you a quick pat on the shoulder as he chuckles. "well done, smiley!" he cheered, and you nodded swiftly, raising your fist. jay chuckled even more before realizing you weren't maintaining your expression of indifference. and you observed how everyone responded similarly when they caught sight of your beaming face.
your eyes widened when jungwon, who was approaching the goalie so quickly, made a rapid shot to give your team a point. as you approach jungwon, you clap and smile while giving him the thumbs up. seeing your reaction to his impressive soccer talents, jungwon turns to face you and grins broadly. Jay then noticed that "smiley" was actually smiling. most classmates were shocked by your new behavior.
however, jungwon was the only person who didn't appear to be as startled by your expressions. even if your facial emotions appeared forced, they were still far softer and more innocent than your frighteningly blank expression. and jungwon took precautions to avoid making any unflattering facial expressions that would have made you feel uneasy about finally being able to express your feelings.
sunghoon observed your smile and thumbs-up gesture toward jungwon, and he would be lying if he said he wasn't equally startled. "focus on the game!" sunghoon yelled as he kicked the soccer ball to another member of his team; and yet all he did was sulk and look at you two.
once more, the ball was in front of your feet, and when you kicked the ball, the sound of your comrades cheering you on made you feel even more uneasy. almost shortly after that, sunghoon appeared in front of you, blocking your path to any of your teammates and preventing you from moving any farther.
just as soon as sunghoon tried to kick the ball, you collapsed to the ground, falling on your back, and he instantly froze. hee didn't dare move a muscle out of dread of hurting you or even being wrongly accused yet again; he only stared down at your unconscious form. and when it hits his classmates' gasps, they hurriedly surrounded you. really, you chose to pass out at this moment.. of course it had to be when he was barely taking the ball.
yor arms and legs were spread out and your face was expressionless once more. jeongho swiftly came sprinting when he observed the huddled group of pupils without having to summon any teachers. he rushed toward the group of students and forced his way through, he asked, "what's going on?" and when jeongho caught a sight of your motionless body on the sand ground, he was quick to pull off his dark gray coat to shield the sun from reaching you for as long as possible, as if your skin were particularly sensitive to the intense light. despite what the teenagers around him might have thought, this kind act meant much more.
the classmates witnessed as jeongho effortlessly lifted you up off the sand ground and wrapped you in his coat. while glaring at the students, jeongho commanded, "i'm expecting one of you outside dr.yeoms room." after that, the students began to whisper to one another about who should inform mr. kim of the issue.
━━━━━━━━━frantic 💉🧸
sunghoon was standing there, resting against the wall next to the room belonging to dr. yeom. sunghoon was irritated and had his arms crossed. it just had to be him then again.
since he was supposedly the only person who had seen you, everyone made him explain the situation to mr. kim— sunghoon was even offended that his own friends made him tell jeongho what had happened to you. and despite the fact that sunghoon had told jeongho the truth—that he hadn't touched you in the least—the science teacher nevertheless insisted that sunghoon apologize to you. if it had been a different teacher, they might not have made him apologize to you, but it was kim jeongho— and everyone knew how much he valued you.
"you go in and apologize to y/n" jeongho stops in front of sunghoon and stands there, expressionless. of course jeongho would think that the boy had hurt you on purpose, but sunghoon didn't say anything; instead, he stopped leaning against the wall and went into dr. yeoms room, grumbling to himself as he shut the door.
a nurse was holding your wrist in the doctor's room, which was stark white and quiet,, checking on you. sunghoon examined the mirror that was resting on a table as he awkwardly waited in the space. before turning the mirror so he could see you in the mirror, he briefly gazed at himself. the nurse gripped your wrist as you kept your expressionless gaze fixed on the ceiling. "how are you feeling y/n?" sunghoon instantly picked up on the fact that the nurse was speaking to you in a very high-pitched, worried voice, as if you were a young child who had trouble understanding what she was saying.
sunghoon observed and couldn't help but scoff lightly, not loud enough for the nurse or you to hear but loud enough for him to express his frustration— why are you so sensitive?? sunghoon thought to himself.
after a brief delay, you answered, "i'm okay," and you look at the woman while reassuringly giving her the thumbs up. the thumbs-up served to emphasize your feelings while maintaining a monotone voice and expressionless face. the nurse smiles and nods before exiting the room, leaving you and sunghoon alone.
you altered your position on the bed so that you were leaning your back against the cold metal headboard and lost yourself in your thoughts while staring at the wall. sunghoon inhaled a sharp breath and continued to look at you through the mirror. you hadn't said anything to him; were you ignoring him or were you unaware that he was present?
sunghoon finally turned on his heel and cleared his throat after a significant period of stillness, grabbing your attention and causing you to cast a quick glance his way. sunghoon looked back at you as he began to speak, "mr. kim is making me apologize." the boy looked everywhere in the room besides your gaze as he began to painfully say, "im sorry.. ",, it felt strange and awkward considering that he had never actually apologized to anyone other than his father.
after some seconds of silence, sunghoon boldly said, "and don't think i'm sorry because i feel guilty, mr. kim forced me to apologize." he didn't want you to think he was feeling some sympathy for what had happened. sunghoon stared at your dead peering eyes and thought to himself, damn mr. kim for putting me in this pointless situation!!
the last time he apologized to you, you practically cried, but this time, it appeared like the response was different from what he had expected. you shook your head and focused at the wall next to him while you did so. almost in a whispered confusion, ".. maybe i was showing too much emotion.." you said
sunghoon remained silent as he watched you concentrate your eyes on the white, lifeless wall. he must admit that you kind of scared him. sunghoon moved to the side and took a quick look back at the wall, feeling mildly awkward that you were simply staring at the wall behind him. you sighed lightly, losing the upright position, and your shoulders dropped. you muttered to yourself, ".. i'm envious..," as you considered all the potential feelings that a person may feel. which sunghoon heard your muttered words to yourself clearly.
sunghoon took a moment to study into your eyes and wondered how someone could be so emotionless all the time. must be difficult. he would be envious of the ability to express so many emotions if he were you too. and now that he's just started reflecting on how you passed out moments ago, he noticed that you were smiling and acting happy. if he were to be completely honest, he found it odd to see you act in such a charming way, and in a flash, you went from being happy to expressionless. you must have been so worn out from displaying so much emotions that you passed out.
sunghoon could tell you were upset even if you were merely glancing at the wall. it was the little details people have to notice in order to understand your true feelings.
you switched your attention to sunghoon, who appeared to be deeply considering something. "how does it feel.. to be so humane?" sunghoon was taken aback by your question, and he gulped while arching his brows. did you have any suspicions on him?
"what are you trying to say? it's normal, obviously" sunghoon responded right away with a mocking scoff.
you continued to watch him and observed how he seemed genuinely shocked by the straightforward inquiry. normal. you want to feel that way; you want to fit in with everyone else's sense of normalcy. park sunghoon has just reminded you that you are not like everyone else and you are not normal.
this, you leaned your head back against the wall and looked up at the ceiling. you muttered, "when will i find my purpose in life.." as you hid your face in your hands and nearly started crying. sadness seems to be the only emotion you'll ever convey.
sunghoon was unable to offer any consoling words and just stood there awkwardly. and in the few time he spent with you, he came to understand how miserable your existence is. what a tragic life, sunghoon thought to himself as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his uniform pants. you're smart, but you can't even express much emotion without passing out.