"Love is a land of mines. One misstep and you fall. Your heart - no longer yours. It will start beating for someone else." -Clairel Estevez
*Trigger warning*
I fidget with my hands, and I and Marco fall into a silence of sorts as we wait for my car. I feel the need to have a serious conversation with him but I am too nervous to speak up.
"Uh..."
"What was that?," I ask immediately.
"Oh, nothing."
It gets quiet again and the time seems to drag on before us. I don't know how much time has passed on, but I speak up before it can get too awkward. "Marco, I need to talk to you about something."
"Yeah?"
"I enjoy spending time with you, and I can tell you enjoy spending time with me too. Oh God please don't take any of this the wrong way."
He steps closer to me and furrows his eyebrows with concern. I am questioning if this is really a good idea or not. But before I can talk myself out of it, I countue speaking.
"Just listen, okay? I like you. I can't deny my feelings for you. This connection. And I know you feel that spark I feel. The way you smile at me. I can't keep denying it. I have liked you since the day I met you but have just been too scared to admit anything. I am sorry if this is too much but I can't keep it to myself anymore. Please tell me you feel the same way?"
He just stares at me with a look of concern. His face is glowing by the light from the moon, but it does him no justice because he is upset. It grows quiet and he does not answer me.
"Marco?"
"Sorry, I just don't know what to say. You are a lovely girl but-"
I interrupt, not wanting to hear his disapproval. "No, I get it. You don't have to worry. Just forget I said anything. It's okay."
Just in time, my car pulls around. I take the keys and don't look back as I get in, driving away from the manor and Marco with it. Tears run down my face as I get farther and farther away. How did such a wonderful day turn into this? It is all my fault.
~~~~~~
"Journal,
Today was amazing. Until it wasn't.
I ruined everything. I always do. It is all my fault. I should have just kept my mouth shut and never said a thing. He hates me now. I told him how I thought I was feeling but he doesn't feel the same way. Why am I so stupid? I am ugly and stupid and I don't know how to take a hint.
I hate myself. I can't take it. This pain in my chest. I ruined everything.
Journal, I don't know what to do.
,Isabelle."
~~~~~~
After coming home tonight, I immediately run up to the bathroom and turn on the shower. I use the loud water to drown out the sound of my crying.
Once the water is on, instead of showering, I throw myself over the toilet in an effort to fix my mistake. I know throwing up won't help anything, but I don't deserve to feel full. I shove my fingers down my throat over and over again until I am empty. How ironic. I am empty emotionally and physically.
After throwing up the food from today, I take a quick shower and get ready for bed, still crying. I turn my phone off and pull the string to my lamp before hiding under my covers. I lay here and cry until I begin to feel tired. The only thing I want is to not be here. Maybe sleep can fill that need.
~~~
I wake up the next morning earlier than I wish. I can already tell my face is puffy before I go into the bathroom and check in the mirror. I get dressed in a simple sweater, ripped jeans, and a Santa hat. I wash my face in cold water and put on some light makeup so my mom doesn't question my messed-up face.
Once I am downstairs, I begin cleaning up so that we can have a nice day in a clean house. The rest of the house takes a couple of hours to wake up, but I keep myself busy by doing dishes and listening to some Christian music playing on the tv. I am so busy cleaning that I don't even notice my mom and sister come down the stairs until I hear mom trying to talk to me.
"Belle? Do you hear us?"
"I'm sorry what was that?" I look up from the counter and switch off the water.
She shakes her head, "We were trying to ask how long you have been up working on all this." She looks around at the entire house neat and sparkling clean. I am at least proud of my cleaning skills. I have OCD tendencies that derive from past trauma, so I like things to be spotless. It frustrates my mom and my sister sometimes, but I know they like it when I clean.
"Oh, only a little while," I lie.
"Well it looks nice; I appreciate it. Take a break so we can open stockings."
I wipe off my hands and make my way over into the living room, grabbing my stocking from the mantel on the way to the couch. My mom grabs her phone to take pictures and I dump out my stocking. On the couch, I see a couple of gift cards, chapstick, and stickers for my computer. Stuck in the bottom of the stocking is a small pack of piping tips for frosting. I am excited, but it is pushed down by the feeling of dread from yesterday. I try to smile anyways.
"Thank you, mom," I say before getting up to give her a hug.
"You're welcome, sweetie. Let's try to have fun, okay?" She gives me a sympathetic look and squeezes my hand in a way that shows she knows I'm upset. She knows me too well.
~~~
"Goodnight mom," I tell my mother.
After I hug her, I head upstairs for bed. Today was a long day. I have spent all of Christmas day thinking of Marco. I tried to stay positive and in the moment, but my negative thoughts would get the best of me. I kept a pretend smile on my face and opened presents with pretend cheer. This was one of the hardest Christmas' ever. I am ready to end today and sleep for as long as possible.
~~~
The day after Christmas is typically fun, but I jolt up in a sweat this morning. I had a terrible nightmare and immediately start crying once I remember what it was about. In my dream, me and Marco were on a mountain and I was walking around him in circles, but I tripped over a rock and fell down the mountain. Before I could hit the ground, I woke up.
I wipe away my tears and look over at my side table to see my phone still off. I turn it on and check the time. It is ten o'clock and I have 30 unopened messages from Riley, Chevy, and Nate. The only person I want to talk to is Riley.
'Hey, Girl. Marco told me what happened.'
'I know you're upset, do you want to talk?'
'I just want to talk to you.'
After reading a few of Riley's messages to me, I think of a simple reply.
'I am doing fine but maybe I could come over new years?'
We go back and forth, both texting short and simple messages, and plan for me to stay over for the new year. I throw my blanket back over my head and try to stop my crying while I fall back asleep.
~~~
"Honey, wake up."
I open my eyes to see my mom standing over me and a bright light shining on me. The light hurts my eyes so I close them shut again.
"Belle wake up. It's three in the afternoon. You need to get up."
She pulls the blanket off of me and I open my eyes to glare at her.
"Rude," I tell her. To my displeasure, I sit up in my bed and stretch, not ready for today. "Why can't I just go back to sleep?"
"Because that is not healthy for you." I don't care if it isn't healthy for me. When I am awake I think of Marco constantly, but in my sleep I gt breaks between the thoughts of him. I can burry myself under the weight of sleep. That is all I truly want right now. "Now go take a shower. You stink."
I haven't showered since the morning of Christmas eve two days ago. How could that possibly make me stink?
"No thanks." I lay back down in my bed, this time with no blankets to cover me because they are all on the floor thanks to my mother. She just huffs and walks away. I am almost asleep again. Finall. But all of a sudden I feel deep shilling water run over my body.
"AHHH! OH MY GOSH! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" I scream out in shock and jump up from my bed. I am now soaking wet and my sister backs away from me smirking. "Oh I'm gonna get you!"
~~~
Today has been pretty uneventful. After I was splashed unexpectedly yesterday, I waited for my bed to dry and slept for the rest of the day. I have been in bed ever since. I only got up to pee and grab my plate from dinner.
I got a text from Riley saying she couldn't wait to see me later this week but I haven't responded yet. I don't know what to say. I am not excited for anything right now. I want to be alone. That is all I truly want right now.
~~~
The day has come that I have to get out of bed and socialize. I get out of bed and take a shower for the first time in almost a week. I can already feel the numbness in my legs fading away as I stand uncomfortably for what feels like an eternity. I try to relax, but instead I am just stuck replaying me and Marco's conversations over in my head. Today is going to be a long day.