I always wondered what it was like to drown.
I always saw mom doing it. Drowning.
Drowning in her sorrows and regrets. I was so scared that i'll eventually be exactly like her.
Well...part of that was true... wasn't it?
,,I hope you understand that if you carry on like this, then you are going to drown in the abyss you have imagined for yourself."
,,...i'll drown ...?"
,, yeah, you will. Did your mom...also drown?"
,, she did. It destroyed her."
,, Do you fear that will happen to you too?"
,,... i do...."
,, Do you miss seeing your mom?"
,, mhm."
,, You miss seeing her when she was not drowning?"
,, yeah...i do"
,, Missing someone dead is truly a tragedy, isn't it. You tell yourself you miss them. But what would you do if they were standing in front of you again? How would you feel and what would you say? Would you truly be at peace with everything that's happened? ...You can try and ignore that lingering feeling of grief. The truth is that you might succeed. You can try to drown out the pain of knowing you'll never hear their laugh again and you can try to forget all of the precious things they said. But you don't realise how much you miss someone until they're standing in front of you again. "
,, I tried. Once. I really did. And as soon as she disappeared from my sight again i got... scared. The moment i realised what i did, I felt a sharp pain in my chest and no matter how much i tried to keep my tears in, they still got out and i cried. I cried so much i couldn't sleep until she came back and i only felt my sadness and numbness mixing together, making it easier for me to keep going. Or so i thought..."
,, The hardest part of losing someone isn't having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that's left inside your heart when they finally go. I can't even allow myself to lie and say that it'll suddenly get better if you simply try to live your life and that ' time will heal', because it's not true. At least i can say that it's not true in your situation. And i'm never going to say that you just need to forget her and just hope for the best. Never forget her. Even if you do forget her for a moment, deep down you won't be healed. Try to make peace with her, talk to her as much as you can now and maybe you'll somehow understand her, and she'll understand you. Don't forget what you went through. But try to replace those memories with better ones. "
,, I never imagined that i'll someday have to live knowing that she's dead... I hoped that she'd stop blaming me for something i don't know i did, i hoped she'd change and be there for me. I truly... i truly hoped that she'd love me again."
,, Does it hurt?"
,, ...fuck, it does"
,, There is a poem, that says the most important part of the body isn't the heart or the lungs or the brain. The biggest, most important part of the body is the part that hurts. So Bakugo, what is the part that it hurts right now?"
,, ...My throat. It hurts so much."
,, And can you tell me why?"
,, Because ...i really want to scream right now but i know i can't."
,, We'll need to work on that then. I know that before you came here you really liked to ...scream. It was the way you expressed yourself. It assured you that others were able to hear what you had to say even if it was the smallest thing that you thought. It made you feel better because you knew that maybe you could be listened to, that people were able to hear what you had to say. But i also know that even though you liked to scream, most of the time you kept quite, and when you had to talk about something that pained you, you couldn't scream until you forced yourself to, so you knew that the other person understood what you were saying. And that proves that you aren't a simple ' loud aggressive kid' Bakugo, but you were afraid that you wouldn't be able to be heard so you automatically started screaming... is that right?"
,,...i-... i didn't know that had an explanation. I just didn't know how else to talk to others. I never talked like that at home. I knew that everyone else was talking like normal people would, but i just didn't know...how ."
,, Mhm. I want to ask you something Bakugo."
,,hm?"
,, Are you a bad person?"
,, ... I- ... I mean i'd like to believe I'm not, it's just... i just..."
,, You regret what you did to you friend."
,, yeah that... and...he's not my friend."
,, Do you feel sad about how your mom treated you and how you treated your- that boy?"
,, ... I don't know how i exactly feel. I constantly have to dig up emotions that don't even exist. The truth is that i'm angry. I always have been. That i know. People ask me 'why', as if it doesn't make sense. I can't forget the shit i felt. I can't ignore the emptiness in me. I've tried and i've tried but things never seem to change. The thing is that it all somehow pains me. Tell me, how could it not? It's as though things will never get better and i don't know what to do. It's as though my regrets won't let go of me. It's as though....a part of me doesn't even want them to. "
,, Growing up in a family without talking about your feelings affects your whole future and makes it harder to heal from all the pain you are going through. That you need to understand. Though i'm sure you never thought about it this way."
,, I did actually,but even though I knew that, I could never express what I felt like the other kids did. Some children grow up trapped within the confines of a glass house whose walls tremble with their parent's rage. At an early age, they learn to swallow the lump that sits out the back of their throat, fearful that if they make a sound the very foundation will crack beneath their feet and it will be all of their fault."
,, Yes, that's true. I suppose that is also how it was for you too. But even with all that , you have to realise that if you don't start understanding that it wasn't your fault, you won't just feel like you're in a prison, you'll become the prison itself."
,, ... got it"
,, ok then, that is all with our session today. I hope you'll think more about what we talked today. I see a lot of improvement coming from you these days. It's a serious difference from how it was on our first sessions when you couldn't open up to me at all. Hopefully if you continue to improve like this in the future as well, you'll be able to be discharged sooner."
Days passed and i continued going to therapy because i want to get better. I hope i will get better. But even with that. Even if i know that getting better means i won't be able to see you again, why...why can i still feel your absence slowly killing me mom?
it hurts like nothing ever has before.
I wish to see your face again and again.
i wish i could hold you and tell you how much i miss you.
I wonder if you feel as lost as i do.
I know it's selfish that i want you to...
,, i do Katsuki, i do feel lost as you do."
,, no you don't "
,, and why do you think so?"
,, because you're just a piece of my mom hunting my mind...but you're not her"
,, ...i understand, but can you explain, why every time you long for your mother i appear in front of you, ready to comfort your yearning?"
,,...just forget it, it doesn't matter anyway"
,,...hmm ' doesn't matter' ? ...Funny, isn't it? I mean this thing that 'doesn't matter' could be your answer to a new life, it could be a reason to keep you sane,or...it. could do the opposite. So this thing that 'doesn't matter' could actually matter a lot. But in the end...the truth is ...none of this truly matters, and the truth is, it all matters tremendously."
,, what shit are you even spouting now?"
,, i guess nothing because 'it doesn't matter' , or does it?"
,, shut up"
Now more hours passed and i still couldn't get any sleep. Mom was just sitting on the chair beside my bed thinking about something. Not that i was interested in what she was thinking about, but i just noticed that she had this bitter-sweet look on her face.
...
,, Do you remember Katsuki ?... How you always said that you love me more,and i always used to say 'You have no idea how much momma loves you '. "
,, yeah i do...those...those were such good times..."
,, yes they were...I have no doubt that i would have set the world on fire just to hold you more into my arms without hurting you. But do you know that every kid reminded me of you? I dreamed of you every night until i started waking up crying. And those times when i gave you every single bite you wanted from my food just because you liked it more when you ate what was in my plate, I wasn't even full half of those times, but i enjoyed seeing your pink cute cheeks munch so much that i wanted to kiss you all over your face."
,, All those moments that happened such a long fucking time ago made it so hard for me to hate you. Even now, i don't know if i want to see you so bad because i'd enjoy spitting in your god damned face or if i genuinely miss you so bad that it's damaging me even more..."
,, All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of it's handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair... To this day I still honestly don't know wich one of these parents i am..."
,, ... "
,, But a big factor in all this is that i, one hundred precent know that ...you truly were bad from the beginning. You didn't even cry as a baby like other's parents kids. "
,, what the actual fuck is that? Some bullshit myth to make you feel better?... I did cry! "
,, no you didn't Katsuki."
,, i did cry!"
,, You had this darknesses around you every time i looked at you, remembering... remembering how i was as a child. Fearing that i stained you. Resenting you for making me fear hurting you. But as you got older, i just couldn't understand what i feared so much, was it because we are so alike, because i saw my reflection in you?, or was it because we are so different and every time i looked at you i saw a stranger?... I don't think i'll ever know, but what i know is that... I should've feared losing you more than i feared anything else. Because maybe then... I wouldn't have destroyed the both of us like i already did..."
,, I truly pity you mom... Honestly who wouldn't? Such a helpless human. Resenting her only child because of all the self hatred she had towards her own self . Why didn't you at least try to get help. Why didn't you at least try and get better for the sake of this fucking family. For my fucking sake?!"
,, I ... i don't know. I just didn't know how or if i really needed help... i really didn't... I remember Inko always talking about Izuku and how amazing it is that he was born as her child because she loved him so much and was so grateful,... but the thing is... i was never able to relate to what she was saying. Grateful? Grateful for what? For my cursed blood and trauma flowing in my child's body? I could never relate to her... And i hated that i couldn't."
Ten years earlier
(At the playground )
Me and Inko went together with the boys to the playground for the first time in a long time. I never really went with Katsuki. Couldn't really afford wasting time on things like those because i considered that he should learn to take care of himself alone.
Looking back now... I wish i spent more time with this kid...
,, Still no sign of izuku's quirk?"
,, yeah... i don't think Izuku will have a quirk... but it is never bad to have a little hope, isn't it? But even if Izuku won't be able to ever have a quirk, it doesn't change a single thing. Because sometimes it's better not to be 'special' like everybody else. I mean...Is it wrong not to be ' special'? I don't think that way. When it comes to my child, it's fine if he's not great, after all, just look at him. He's so cute, he's already special, because he was born into this world..."
I looked at the boys playing for a long time after she said that... but i just didn't understand what she was feeling. I wasn't able to feel that kind of love towards my own child. And it frustrated me a lot...
Inko's Pov (in past)
I noticed for a long time the dislike Mitsuki had for Katsuki. Her own child... so i tried to make her understand more than anyone else that she should be proud of having such an amazing kid. But... the amount of times i tried were also the amounts of times i failed... And i felt horrible towards Katsuki, because the child had no fault in this.
I've known Mitsuki for a long time. I always knew how much she hated the idea of having a child of her own due to the childhood trauma she already had and due to her quirk complications that scared her so much of putting her in more emotional and physical pain than necessary. And all that she was afraid of... happened. She had a very hard pregnancy and birth. And what came after was even worse...
The way i saw them in was a strange but sad one.
,, A mother who loves fire and a son that can't tell between water and gasoline "
A very sad and painful kind of relationship.
It pained me seeing her take her anger out on Katsuki. Wanting him to be the best to 'make her proud'. And i knew... i knew how much she saw herself in him and how much she didn't want to hurt him but still did...
But how am i to tell a mother, that her son, isn't her second chance at life but at the same time how am i to tell a mother even with all that happened , that her son, is her second chance at life...
Present
,, Mom... sometimes, you had the most beautiful smile i've seen on a person, but i know that all the others times you smiled...you were wearing a fake one. I've never seen you genuinely cry because of your own pain, i don't think anyone has ever had. But i know you used to do it at night, in the kitchen, while me and dad were asleep, in the silence, when no one could hear you. So tell me why do your eyes hide so much? Why was your laughter full of sorrow? ...What is it about you...that made you think that it's wasn't okay to ask for help?... What happened to you?"
,, i was um... i was abused as a child. Physically...Emotionally. Both my parents weren't pleased with what i was becoming. I was never able to talk about my ... my trauma. So i ignored every chance i got to get any help. 'Help' wasn't exactly an easy option for me to heal. So i was never able to. My mother and father, they wanted 'the best' for me. Looking back now... i became what i most hated and feared and damaged you the same way i was. The only person that knew the tiniest bit of information about this pain i had, was Inko. She surprisingly listened to me every time i came to her house in the middle of the night crying because i felt like the pressure and expectations from everyone was slowly crushing me and i was scared of what would come next. But even though we knew each other's secrets, me and Inko weren't that close during those times. I was too scared to get attached to her and this toxic 'relationship' we had. We were each other's little secret boxes.But even if i had her it still felt like i've spent my entire life feeling alone. I like the silence at first. It kept me convinced i was in control even though it broke my heart. Even after i've met your father... i was afraid to love him. I was afraid to admit i'd found someone who gave me more than loneliness ever could. I adored him more than anyone else. He made me stop hiding from the world, from my parents, from my own dreams. And i knew that i needed him. He was the first person i ever did. He... was the one who made me realize that maybe... maybe i wanted to have a child. A little me, whom i loved, cared for, and was scared for. But i still ended up to be scared of that little me, because my own biological kid meant having to raise someone who could very much end up with the pain i felt during my life. I regret being scared of that a lot now. I regret not realizing that that pain that you were also carrying with you was created by me. I regret not trying to change sooner. But now it's too late..."
,, ... I feel bad about what happened to you. I know how it feels. Having a crushing amount of expectations over you, not knowing which choice is best to make in order to please others. To make yourself feel good by being 'seen'. But then it just hits you, mom. I'm sure you know how it feels. The moment it really hits you that even though you may be perfect at everything, you're not interested in anything other than finding an escape from this 'reality'. The way you realize you're not close with anyone and you don't have any real plans or passions that let you feel free and relieved you're here. Never the favorite, but the prodigy, the mature but childish kid. But still never the favorite, because under all those perfect grades and smiles they all still remember the episodes and crying and screaming and how you never got along with other children. Perfect on paper,but in person...a monster. Not even knowing what your personality is like and which ones are your real thoughts...and you're literally just there, rolling in the mud till the end of your last breath to be able to make at least that one person proud of you...
,,... i truly, truly damaged you Katsuki... "
,,...I just ...feel sorry for my younger self. I feel sorry for the version of me that was chasing after the approval of others in order to feel complete. I hurts when you can no longer remember who you are and that your identity is a lie created to comfort the hole inside of your heart... I really regret not realizing this sooner. But you know mom...after all that...i still love you. I still can't get over the fact that you died without me telling you that. And i just want you to know that i do ...i still do really love you."
,, i'm so , so sorry kid..."
,, ...Don't be Mom, after all .... it's exactly as you said...too late."
words- 3444
Yey new chapter...blablabla....i finally continued the story blablabla .
Anyway, i'll try to keep updating more but fuck, even i'm not ready for the cruel ending that is coming.
But that is probably still in the far future i guess.
Hope you enjoyed this chapter!