I wouldn't say Samantha turned a corner after Brendon spoke to her, but I suppose you could say she merged into traffic so to speak. She stopped fighting everything. Her attitude improved some. Even the nurses commented that she was much more pleasant, even though happy is not the word one would use to describe her.
She finally was allowing visitors and Erin and Jill came first.
"Hey there bestie!" Jill said, bounding into the room.
Samantha just looked at her.
"Hey," she answered simply.
"How's it going?" Jill asked in a song song voice. Samantha frowned at her.
"It's going great, Jill. Maybe I can stay here long enough for them to take my other leg."
"Dark," Jill said. She wasn't going to let Samantha get her down, and she wasn't going to let Sam be down, no matter how hard she tried.
"What's coach saying? Am I off the team?" Sam asked.
Jill frowned at Sam.
"Why would you be off the team?"
"Because, Jill," Samantha said. "I can't play anymore."
"Sure you can. You'll get a fake leg and you'll play again. But coach says that a) she's coming to visit you and b) you're still assistant coach if you want it."
"Yeah. That's what I want. Watching people do the one thing I was good at and can't do anymore."
Jill sighed and looked over at Tyler. He shrugged.
Her mood hadn't improved that much. But at least she was letting people visit.
Jill and Erin left and Samantha lay back and closed her eyes. I sat next to her and ran my fingers through her hair. I traced the scar that ran along the side of her head from the accident in October in Cleveland.
"Mom, don't do that. It feels weird," Sam mumbled.
"Sorry, baby," I smiled.
The next morning, Samantha woke up crying.
"Sweetheart!" I said. "What's the matter?"
"My leg hurts!" Samantha cried.
"Where?" I asked. I would massage her leg then.
"The calf. It's cramping up."
I massaged the calf on her left leg.
"No! My other leg!"
I stopped and looked at Sam.
"Uh, Sam?" I asked, not wanting to state the obvious.
"I know. I know it's gone but it hurts!" She cried. I called for the nurse. This was worrying me. How could she have pain in her missing leg?
The nurse came in and listened to us.
"It's called Phantom pain. It's the brain mixing up signals. It thinks the leg is still there and doesn't realize it isn't," she said as she started massaging Sam's left calf. "I can give her a muscle relaxant. That should help. And sometimes massaging the remaining limb helps. Sam? How's it feeling now?"
"Better, thanks," she said.
"How long is this going to last? Is this something she'll deal with forever?"
"No, no. Maybe three to six months. And it shouldn't be a constant thing. When Sam starts physio, they'll discuss ways to trick the brain into thinking the leg is still there and mitigate the phantom pains."
The nurse left the room and I continued massaging Sam's left leg. The nurse returned with a muscle relaxant which Samantha took.
"What do you think about maybe getting out of this bed today?" The nurse asked.
"Why?" Sam asked.
"Well for one, you've been in it for a week and we'd like to change the sheets. And two, they have you slated for physio starting today. We just have to take out your drain, which I'll do just before breakfast, and then you're expected in physio at 11. Someone will come get you."
"What do I need physio for? I already know how to use crutches."
"Well, I suspect you had both legs last time you used crutches?"
"Don't remind me," Samantha muttered.
"Well, physio will get you up and moving, work on your arm strength and prepare you for a prosthetic fitting. Not today, that'll be a while from now. Your stump still needs to heal."
Samantha did not look impressed.
"What if I don't want to go to physio?"
"You don't have a choice," Tyler said, crossing his arms.
"You can't make me go!" Samantha challenged.
"I can and I will," Tyler said, frowning.
"You can't make me actually do anything."
"This is true. But if want to make your recovery take that much longer, that's on you."
"I'm not going to physio," Samantha pouted.
"Samantha, you are going to physio. And you will work hard to get back on your feet."
If looks could kill, Samantha would have a body count.
"Feet?! Really?!" She shouted at Tyler. He sighed.
"It's a figure of speech, Samantha. I didn't mean anything by it."
"Sure. I bet. Let's just make fun of the one-legged freak."
"Who's a freak?" Josh said, carrying Rosie and a box into Sam's room.
Sam rolled her eyes at him.
"Samantha thinks she's a freak because she only has one leg."
"What was it I told you three years ago when that kid was bugging you? Let your freak flag fly!" He smiled. Samantha did not.
"Shut up, Josh," she said. That was the first time she didn't call him Uncle Josh.
"Hey!" Tyler said. "You watch your mouth, missy. I honestly don't care how upset you are, you will not be disrespectful to our friends and family."
Samantha frowned at Tyler.
"Shut up!" She shouted at him.
Tyler looked at her with a look I don't think I've ever seen him give anyone. There was red anger behind his eyes. I've never seen him so angry. I watched as he clenched his fists and then turned on his heel and stormed out of the room.
"Samantha, I really wish you had a middle name right now Joseph!" I admonished her. "This has to stop. You can't keep taking your anger or whatever this is out on everyone!"
"Shut up!" She screamed. "Why can't everyone just shut the fuck up?!"
"Mama! Sammy said a swear!" Rosie said.
"Shut up Rosie!" Sam spat at her. Rosie, confused by Samantha's anger, started crying.
I picked her up and took her out of the room. Josh stayed behind and I saw Debby, Brendon and Sarah coming up the hallway. Sarah took Rosie from me as she saw the tears in my eyes starting to fall. I sat down in the chair just outside Sam's room and broke down.
"I wish I could make this better for her. She's so, so angry," I cried, as Sarah and Debby sat beside me and Brendon knelt in front.
"She's scared, Jen," Debby said. "She doesn't know how to deal with losing her leg. Hell, I don't know how I would."
"What happened?" Brendon asked.
"She told Josh, then Tyler then Rosie and then me to shut up. I know it's not a big deal, but I'm so tired. I'm tired of her attitude and her vitriol. I'm tired of her anger. And I'm tired of trying to be positive for her when she's just so down on herself. I'm afraid we're going to lose her."
Debby wrapped her arms around me while I cried. Rosie was leaning into Sarah and she reached her little hand out and patted my arm.
"Mama? Sammy's sad. I want to make Sammy happy again," she said.
"Me too, Rosie. Me too. But I don't know how to make Sam happy again."
"We have a party," Rosie said. "Sammy likes parties."
I had to laugh. The last thing Samantha would want is a party. But Rosie's innocence was just too sweet. And it gave me an idea. I told Debby, Brendon and Sarah my idea, thinking it sounded stupid once it came out of my mouth.
They said they thought it was a good idea and we should definitely do it tomorrow morning before she went to physio.
I went back into Sam's room where Josh was talking to her, even though her arms were crossed over her chest and she wasn't looking at him. Debby, Brendon and Sarah followed me in.
"There's my girl!" Brendon said. Samantha looked up and rolled her eyes. Brendon's smile fell just a bit.
While we were sitting with Sam, Angela came in.
"Okay, let's get that drain out of your leg, huh? It's not draining anything anymore and your infection seems to have cleared up nicely."
They'd been doing portable ultrasounds over the past couple of days to check on the lesion in Sam's muscle. Every day they looked had been an improvement.
Samantha didn't respond.
"Ready?" Angela asked. Sam shrugged.
Angela got the equipment she needed organized, got the new bandages prepared and had a bottle of sterile water. She pulled down Sam's blanket and I watched as Sam looked away and tears fell silently from her eyes.
Angela very gently lifted Sam's stump, placed a couple of towels down on the pillow that had been propping up the stump, and started undoing the bandages.
Her stump looked good. For a stump. I guess. It didn't look infected or anything. It looked clean. The nurse showed me a few things and said Sam was healing really well.
"Okay, Sam, I'm just cutting the stitches holding the drain in place and then I'm going to take the drain out, okay?"
Sam didn't answer. She'd covered her eyes with her arm.
I watched as Angela did as she'd described and pulled the slim tube out of Samantha's stump.
"Oof!" Sam exclaimed and then put her hand on her stomach and one on her mouth.
"Are you going to be sick?" I asked. She shrugged but had wide eyes like she wasn't quite sure. I grabbed a nearby basin and handed it to her. She hung her head over it.
Angela cleaned the tiny little wound where the drain had gone and covered it with a bandage before re-bandaging Sam's stump.
Angela cleared up and patted Sam's shoulder.
"You'll be fine in a few minutes. I know that felt weird."
Sam nodded, still trying to hold onto the contents of her stomach.
"Now I see why you did this before breakfast," I said.
Angela smiled and took everything out of Sam's room, saying she'd be back in a bit to test her sugar and give her her insulin. Samantha laid back and covered her eyes with her arm. She was a bit pale and sweaty.
"Sam? You okay? Still need the basin?"
She handed it to me.
"I don't think so. But that was weird. Like, really weird."
"Weird how?" I asked.
"I could feel the tube moving in my leg when she pulled it out. It felt kind of weird and very gross."
I smiled. That was the Samantha I knew and loved. I looked over to Brendon and Sarah and Josh, who were smiling a little, too.
"Sammy? You leg better?" Rosie asked, crawling up the bed to Sam's side.
Sam frowned, then put her arm around her sister.
"You know, RosieRo, I think I will need my special nurse. Because my leg is kinda not gonna get better."
"You leg is go bye-bye?"
Samantha teared up a little and nodded.
"My leg is gone. Yeah," Sam whispered.