・❥・
"Has Orion made his move yet?"
Peyton flops into her seat and starts to unpack her lunch, unfazed by the question that Margot just asked her.
Margot and I have been taking turns asking Peyton these types of questions. We're nosy people that love to be in each other's business and we're getting freaking impatient. Like damn bitch, how long does it take someone to ask a girl out?
"No, the same answer I've told you guys the past fifty times you've asked me," Peyton answers dejectedly. "Nothing has happened since Halloween."
Right, Halloween. When Orion kissed Peyton and then started acting distant, or that's what Peyton says. They still walk with each other, he still buys her lunch, but Peyton swears it's not the same as it was before the kiss.
Margot and I believe her because truly, we don't know what they share. We don't know their relationship or dynamic like she does. It just makes me sad that he's acting weird because I know Peyton really likes him and she deserves to be happy.
Because Peyton is one of my best friends and I love her, I took it upon myself to try and get to the bottom of her little predicament. When she told Margot and I about what happened, I immediately went to Sawyer, knowing he would have some answers.
I explained to Sawyer a little bit about what happened, assuming he would already know, which he did. He tried to play stupid, but he wasn't fooling me. I flat out asked him "what in the hell is Orion's problem?" and he just shrugged, going back to the video game he was playing.
I wasn't having it, so I forced it out of him, as I should. He put up a damn good fight, but there's only so much tickling someone can take. Eventually he relented and told me that Orion's prior relationship didn't end well. Orion is scared of committing to Peyton because she makes him feel things that scare him.
I mean, I get it, Sawyer kinda scared the shit out of me too, but I'd rather be happy than worry about the what ifs.
Sawyer made me promise that I wouldn't tell Peyton, but I couldn't do my best friend like that, so I just reassured her that Orion likes her and now I'm leaving the rest to Orion.
Speaking of Orion, he and the other three boys walk into the garden area with platters of food in their hands. They all walk to their assigned-unassigned seats: Sawyer next to me, Orion next to Peyton, and Reece and Logan on either side of Margot.
"What're you guys talkin' about?" Logan asks us cheerfully.
"Definitely not you," Margot replies flatly.
Logan rolls his eyes, but chooses to ignore her, turning towards Reece to talk to him about something.
Everyone is kinda doing their own thing today, so I open up my backpack and pull out the current book I'm reading: Josh + Hazel's Guide To Not Dating. I literally can't get enough of this book. Hazel always finds a way to make a fool of herself and sometimes it gives me second hand embarrassment, but I just can't stop reading.
"I stare down at her, at the few strands of hair that have come free of the buns, and the way I can tell she didn't bother putting makeup on this morning and she still looks stunning.
'I think we both know—'"
"What're you reading?" Sawyer whispers into my ear, scaring me. I jump in my seat and shut my book.
I turn to Sawyer and he has a sly smile on his face. "You know better than to sneak up on me when I'm reading. I could've slapped you like last time."
"I'd let you slap me around any day," he says as he kisses my neck.
I elbow him in the ribs. "Stop being weird. Why'd you interrupt me?"
"I wanted you to eat some of your food," he tells me, bringing a spoonful of white rice and chicken up to my mouth.
"I'm not hungry," I deny immediately, slowly directing the spoon he's holding back onto the plate. I try to go back to reading my book, but Sawyer snatches it from my grip and holds it behind his back.
He narrows his eyes at me, silently challenging me to try and take him on, but I don't. Instead, I pull out my chromebook and start to work on some of my homework. This doesn't work either because he snatches my chromebook away from me, too.
"Take something of mine one more time and I'm gonna murder you," I threaten him, trying to reach around him so I can grab my belongings. Every time I try to reach for one, he stretches his arm farther out making it harder for me. "Sawyer, I'm being serious, give me my stuff back."
"Not until you eat."
"I'm not hungry."
"You need to eat."
"But I'm not hungry."
Sawyer breathes out a sigh, sets all of my things back on the table, and then reaches for me, bringing me into his arms. He tucks my head into his neck and softly speaks into my ear.
"I didn't want to have this conversation at school around all of our friends, but I'm tired of seeing you struggle with this. I don't know who the hell told you that you should stop eating, but I'm here, telling you to forget whatever that fucker said to you. I love your body the way it is, our friends love your body the way it is and you should too.
"You shouldn't have to starve yourself to change for people that don't even matter. Your body needs food and nutrients to survive and I'm not just gonna sit here and watch you slowly starve yourself. If you want to do something about the way you look, then I'll help you but I don't want you harming yourself for it, okay my love? I don't want to sound mean or make you feel like I'm force feeding you, I just want you to be okay because I see you and you're so much more than a body."
I wish I was in my room right now, so I could violently sob on the floor.
I discreetly wipe my eyes, trying to hold back a sniffle. Why does he keep doing things that make me fall deeper in love with him? I can't take much more of this before I just blurt out how much I love him.
"You know, you're the only person who noticed," I whisper back to him softly.
I feel him shake his head. "I wasn't. Peyton and Margot came to me when they started to notice it and then the guys a little after that."
I pull my head out of his neck, enough to meet his eyes. "They did?" I ask, emotion creeping into my voice.
They were all worried about me?
"Yes, baby. We were all worried about you because we love you and we just want you to be okay."
I feel my bottom lip start to quiver, so I tuck my head back into Sawyer's neck before they all see what a mess this conversation has made me.
I didn't mean to worry them, I was just so tired of getting picked on that I didn't know what else to do, but I know now.
I'm done listening to Jake and all of his dick riding friends because they're all ugly ass motherfuckers who don't matter. I'm gonna come clean about the taunting to my friends and then I'm gonna eat whatever the hell I want because there are people in this world who love me for me, flaws and all.
I lean up and bring my lips right up to Sawyer's ear. "Thank you."
"I'll always be here to make sure you're okay," he reassures.
I keep my head in his neck for a little longer and then I come back to the real world. I go back to reading my book while Sawyer feeds me some of my chicken and rice.
❦
"I'm literally shitting bricks right now."
"You'll be fine."
"I'm gonna throw up."
"You're being dramatic."
I punch Sawyer on the arm. "You have no room to talk, okay? This is your family, what if they don't like me?"
He rolls his eyes. "They're gonna love you."
"But what if they don't?"
"They will."
"How do you know?" I ask anxiously as Sawyer drives us to his grandparents house for Thanksgiving.
Sawyer pulls over the car on a random street and looks at me, a little shimmer in his eye that I've never seen before. "Because it'd be impossible not to."
I blink once, twice, processing his statement before the weight of his words hits me.
Holy fucking shit fuck.
My hands start to get even more sweaty and my heart starts to race.
Did Sawyer just indirectly tell me that he loves me?
No. No, he didn't. He was just kidding. Yeah, he was just kidding.
Denial is the best friend.
I look into Sawyer's eyes and that shimmer I saw in them earlier is gone. He blinks his eyes a few times and then merges back onto the road like what just happened didn't... happen.
I pretend that it didn't happen too, for the sake of both of us. I mean I know what I feel for him—how could I not know?—but I'm not ready to say it yet.
I turn up the radio a little higher and just look out the window, finding comfort in the music because music always has a way of relaxing me, and right now, I really need to be relaxed. This is a big step for us and I don't want to mess it up.
When we arrive and Sawyer turns off the car, stopping the music, my nerves sky rocket again. I get that sick feeling in my stomach and start to aggressively crack my fingers. I'm gonna ruin this for the both of us and Sawyer's family will hate me forever.
I turn towards Sawyer, ready to tell him that I can't do this, but he's already looking at me.
He must see the sheer panic on my face because all of his features soften as he reaches out to grab both of my hands. "Talk to me, baby. Why do you look so scared?"
I don't want to tell him because it always comes back to the same thing: I'm fat and that's all everyone will see me as.
I've been trying to remember our conversation at school. Sometimes I feel confident and sometimes I don't. Learning to love yourself isn't linear, but when it comes to situations where I'm meeting new people, it's really hard for me to be confident in myself.
Especially because I know what they see. I have to look at it in the mirror everyday.
"I don't want to tell you," I admit sadly.
I hate that I can't just love myself. Like, it's tiring hating yourself all of the time but I can't help it. And I hate that when I'm feeling down, it brings Sawyer down, too.
He always has to reassure me when I'm feeling negatively about myself. What if one day he gets sick of it and doesn't want to deal with me and my self deprecating thoughts anymore? What if he realizes that all of those self deprecating thoughts are true?
"You don't have to tell me, but you can. We're in this together and I want to be able to help you as much as you help me, so talk to me, because I would never judge you."
"How're you so perfect?"
He shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know. I just am."
I smile. He always knows what to say to make me feel better.
He squeezes my hands, grabbing my attention again. "But seriously, you can talk to me about anything because that's what we do. We bare ourselves to each other allowing the other to see us, flaws and all. We're not perfect, that's obvious, but we don't have to be. I see you for who you are, so you don't ever have to be scared or ashamed to tell me anything."
"I don't want to ruin this for you."
"How would you ruin this for me?"
I sigh, trying to find the right words to describe to him how I'm feeling at the moment. "I know that we already talked about this—learning to love myself—but I just can't, not right now. I've been trying, and some days are better than others, but this whole thing today isn't helping. It's just making me more aware of how I look and I don't want your family to judge me because of that," I spew. At this point, Sawyer already knows all of my insecurities. Why not just tell him one of my worst fears too?
"Sage," Sawyer frowns. "If you weren't comfortable with coming, you should have told me. I didn't mean to make you feel like you had to come. I'm sorry—"
"NO. No. This is not your fault." God, now he feels like this is his fault. Way to go Sage. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. It's just my insecurities, but I promise you, you didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do. I want to do this, I really do, it's just a little," I bring my pointer and thumb together, leaving a little gap in between them, "scary."
"It doesn't have to be scary. I'm gonna be there with you the whole time and, I highly doubt it, but if anyone makes you feel uncomfortable or says something to you, I will personally tell them to fuck off and take you home immediately. You don't have to worry though, my family is very welcoming and they'll love you. They've been waiting to meet you for forever."
This helps me feel a little better. I take a deep breath, gathering my courage, and then I'm ready to go. "Okay, let's do this."
We walk up the porch hand in hand until we make it to the front door. Before he knocks he looks over at me, making sure that I'm okay, before reaching his fist out and knocking on the door three firm times.
The door opens a few seconds later, Sawyer's mom appearing on the other side of the doorway. The second she sees us, a big grin forms on her face.
"Sage! I'm so glad you could make it. Come in, come in." She motions us into the house, pulling me into a tight hug when I make it inside.
We pull away and she holds me at arms length. "Thank you so much for having me," I try to muster up my best smile.
"Of course. Our family has been so excited to meet you, we've all been on the edge of our seats waiting for you to arrive," she says excitedly.
Sawyer pulls me into his arms and rests his head on mine. "Thank you for opening the door mom. Can you tell everyone that we'll be there in a sec?"
"Okay, baby. Thank you again Sage for coming."
I give her a small smile. "Of course."
We leave the front door unlocked and step back outside.
"I don't want what my mom said to intimidate you. I promise you'll be okay."
"I know. I'm okay now." I take one more second to gather myself and then bad bitch mode is unlocked. "Let's do this." I imagine myself looking very fearless right now, almost like Superman
"Why do you look constipated?"
I mentally facepalm myself. I'm never imagining myself as Superman again. "It's 'cause I need to take a fat shit right now," I respond to Sawyer's question sarcastically.
"You're gonna have to hold it. The plumbing in this house won't be able to handle one of your shits." The look he has on his face makes it seem like he's speaking from experience. "I know your turds are huge."
I swat Sawyer's chest, trying to hold in my laugh. I hate him. "Shut your face. You've never even seen one of my turds, how do you know what it looks like?"
"I don't need to see one to know it's big."
"That's what she said."
"Oh fuck you," Sawyer laughs.
My laugh escapes me this time. "You walked right into that one."
He rolls his eyes, biting the inside of his cheek to hide the smile I know is fighting to come out. "Let's go inside, little turd. Before we start talking about diarrhea."
As I cackle, Sawyer reaches for my hand, guiding us inside the cozy house.
We make it inside, and I'm not as nervous anymore. I think I just needed a little shit talk and I'd be okay. And I know that I have Sawyer right here by my side, there isn't anything to be scared of. I know that now.
We walk through a little foyer and then end up in the living room of the house.
"SAGE!"
A little body comes crashing into my legs, almost knocking me down.
"Sydney, you need to be careful," Sawyer gently scolds. "You could have hurt Sage."
She looks up at me and frowns, why is her frown so cute? "No, it's okay princess. You didn't hurt me." Her face brightens and she lifts her arms up, signaling me to pick her up.
I do as I'm signaled, and pick the little girl up.
"Sage, I miss you. A lot," Sydney admits shyly, making my heart clench in my chest.
"I missed you too, Sydney. A lot. I was so happy when I heard that I was gonna see you today," I tell her, a smile growing on my face.
"Me too. Bubba told me and made me happy."
"Aw, you got happy to see me?" I use my hand to pinch one of her adorably chubby cheeks.
"Yes! You make Bubba happy and me happy too!" She wraps her arms around my neck, giving me a tight squeeze.
"You and bubba make me happy too." After saying this, I turn to Sawyer and he has that little sparkle in his eye again, the one that makes it seem like he loves me. God, I really hope he loves me.
"Okay, Sydney, do you want to come with Sage and I to say hi to everyone?" Sawyer asks her, taking her out of my arms and bringing her into his.
"Yes, please."
He rests her on one of his hips, using one arm to stabilize her, and then uses his free hand to hold mine, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
We go around the room, hand in hand, saying hello to all of his aunts, uncles and cousins. As we go around, him introducing me to everyone, I feel okay. His family is super sweet and welcoming and they make me feel like I'm a part of their family. I don't know what I was so afraid of.
They told me how good it is to see Sawyer happy, how his face lights up whenever he talks about me and how good we look together. They didn't mention anything about my size or the way I looked and I was like a big weight was lifted off of my heart. They saw me as more than just a body, they saw me for me.
But, the hardest part isn't over yet. I still have to be introduced to his grandparents and this is the part I'm a little scared of. Grandparents are old fashioned and have different viewpoints so I'm really hoping they like me.
"Hola abuela," Sawyer greets his grandma. She's in the kitchen, warming up some biscuits because they ran out.
"¡Sawyer! ¿Cómo estás?" How are you?
They continue to speak in Spanish. "I'm doing really good, abuela. I wanted to introduce you to someone."
A giddy smile breaks out on her face. "Let me see her."
I'm hiding a little behind Sawyer, so he uses his hand to pull me out from behind him. When she locks eyes with me, her giddy smile turns into a full blown one. She pulls me in, hugs me, and then leans back, getting a good look at all of me.
"Es muy bonita," she tells him and I swear I could cry.
She thinks I'm pretty?
"Don't tell me, tell her," Sawyer says in Spanish.
"Es muy bonita, mija," she compliments me.
"Thank you. I hope to look as good as you do after having a bunch of kids and grandkids," I joke in Spanish, but I'm actually being serious. She looks amazing.
She laughs. "Thank you. I'm so glad you could make it. Ever since Sawyer told me he had a girlfriend, I had been dying to meet you."
"It was so nice to be welcomed by everyone. You all make me feel like family."
She reaches out and pinches my cheeks. "You are family."
We continue to chit chat for a little while before Sawyer takes me to be introduced to his grandpa who is also the sweetest person and accepts me like I'm one of his own.
We end up getting caught in a conversation about baseball because Sawyer tells him I'm a fan of the Los Angeles Dodgers. We talk a little about the season and how some of the players have been playing.
Eventually, Sawyer is able to pull me away from the conversation, but not without a fight from his grandpa. It's not until his wife steps in and tells him that we have to eat that he lets us go. That little interaction between the two of them just showed how much they still love each other.
Sawyer guides me to the kitchen where all of the amazing food is ready to be eaten.
"What do you feel like having?" he asks me, rubbing his hands together excitedly.
"Everything."
❦
"I'm unzipping my pants now."
"Yeah, that's right. Get undressed for me."
My head snaps to Sawyer, eyes wide. "What the hell?" I whisper shout. "We are with your family. This isn't the time for inappropriate jokes, Sawyer."
He shrugs his shoulders like his relatives couldn't have heard what he just said to me. "I was just getting you back for the 'that's what she said' joke you pulled on me earlier."
"Yeah, but that's all it was. A joke."
"Well, I saw an opportunity and I took it."
"I'm literally stuffed, that's why I said that. Not because I was doing it for you," I very clearly clarify.
"One day you will be doing it for me."
Oh my lordy lord.
"You need to be sedated."
"Will you be the one sedating me?"
I shake my head because it's better than laughing at his jokes.
"I'm gonna kill you."
"Kill me with kindness?" He juts his bottom lip out and gives me puppy eyes.
"No, murder you."
"Can you at least kiss me before you stab me?"
"I was actually planning on drowning you. It'd be more painful."
He thinks about this for a second and then leans down and gives me a kiss.
"Are you gonna drown me now?"
"Yes," I answer simply.
"Okay, cool."
"Cool."
"I'm tired. Do you wanna go to one of the guest rooms and take a nap?" he asks, forgetting about our previous conversation.
"Yes please. If I keep sitting upright like this, I think I might explode."
Sawyer grabs our empty plates with one hand and my hand with the other. He takes our plates to the trash and then directs us to the guest room he was talking about earlier.
We take off our shoes and then pull the covers out of the bed, arranging it the way we like so we're comfortable for our nap. Sawyer pulls off the jacket he's wearing and helps me take off my sweater, setting them neatly on the chair next to the bed.
When we're comfortable enough, we both crawl into bed, getting into the usual position we sleep in: Sawyer's arms wrapped around me with my head on his chest and one of my legs draped across him.
Even though I'm wearing jeans, and I hate sleeping in them, I eventually start to doze off. I'm so close to falling asleep, before Sawyer speaks up.
"Baby?"
"Hmm," I hum a tired response.
"Earlier when you were talking to my grandma, she mentioned something."
"What was it?" I question, now curious as to what he's talking about.
"She called you my girlfriend and it made me realize something."
I'm wide awake now. "What did it make you realize?"
"That I never actually asked you to be my girlfriend."
"That's okay. You can just ask me right now."
He sits up in his seat, so I'm not lying on his chest anymore. We're face to face now. "What?"
"Just ask me now," I restate.
"But shouldn't I ask you with some sort of grand gesture or something?"
"I don't want a grand gesture, I just want you."
"But—"
"No buts. Ask me," I urge, but he still looks uncertain. "C'mon, don't be shy. I promise I'll say yes."
"Are you sure? I can give you a grand gesture," he reassures. "You deserve better than this puny ass ask."
"That's not what I want."
"You're positive?" he asks one final time.
"Yes, now ask me."
Because Sawyer is dramatic, he waits a few seconds before he opens his mouth again.
"Sage Allegra Morales," he starts, "will you be my girlfriend?"
"No."
His jaw goes slack. "You promised you'd say yes!"
I cackle. "I'm just kidding. I would love to be your girlfriend Sawyer Noah Iglesia."
I crawl into his lap and give him a lingering kiss, hoping it conveys everything that I feel here at this moment. We both pull away after a few seconds, both sporting huge grins on our faces.
"I can't believe you're finally my girlfriend, little turd," Sawyer expresses happily.
"Don't call me that."
"Little turd."
"I'm actually going to drown you now."
Word Count: 4462
author's note:
HEHEHEHEHHEHHEHE I FINALLY UPDATED *cartwheel emoji* I know it took me a while and I'm so very sorry, but it's finally here. School started up again and I've had a lot of work to do so the updates might not be as frequent. I'm going to try and post one every other week, but we'll see.
I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, it took a while and I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I hope it was able to satisfy some ya'll.
ALSO we're literally at 19.2k reads like WHAT THE HELL? I couldn't be more grateful for everyone that has given my book a chance. Whether you vote, comment or are just a silent reader, I couldn't appreciate you all enough, thank you so much.
Be sure to let me know your thoughts on the book and characters :)
I love you and I am proud of you. I hope that you have a beautiful day <3
elisa <3