MR AND MRS PAPPY
"What nonsense!" He yelled, almost hitting me with the door as he entered our bedroom.
"Oga no wound me jooor. I resemble the pastor?" I said, with a corresponding hiss as I enter the room.
"But you don't see anything wrong with that obviously" he said, throwing his shoes off his leg with total abandon as it finds it's hiding place under the maroon suede couch opposite our bed.
"Papilo stop this naaa. That shoe no punch your face niii, las las, na me you go stress to de find the shoe." I said, going on my knee as I approached the couch that reminds me so much of Aunt Judith, my mum's sister. "Wetin I deh t...." I tried explaining before being cut by my dear husband.
"English please..."
"Fine! I'm trying to say that, it's not enough reason to change our church" I said, this time with fluent English.
"Now don't you feel good with yourself; don't you like how you sound?" He asked, completely naked, his clothes crying to be picked from the floor as he enters the bathroom.
"Bekee abụghị asụsụ m" ("English is not my mother tongue") I said, following him. I actually felt good, I no go lie.
"A pastor or man of God as he claims to be, looked down and used abusive words on someone, a member, just because his gift of intention or whatever, wasn't as bountiful as the other family isn't enough reason to leave a church?" He asked, entering the bathtub and turning on the shower. "All hands are not equal, for screaming out loud babe, that was wrong, considering his spiritual level. Is that what the church is now teaching us? Is that how Christianity is being interpreted? Please, I'm not saying a word again about this, we're changing our church. Just the district." He ended, baptizing his hair with soap as I watch him bath. A ritual I'd say.
He was right, it was such an unpleasant sense from anyone, talk more him, a head pastor.
BIMBO AND DAMILOLA
"Babe, you know when we finally tie the knot, we won't be going to different churches, one of us will have to do the sacrifice" I said changing out from my church wear as Dami laid on the bed, pressing his phone, and laughing at my statement. His church closes earlier than mine. "I'm serious" I sobbed.
"I didn't say you weren't Babe" he said, keeping his phone aside as he sits up. "I'm sorry for laughing, it's how you said 'one of us will do the sacrifice', like if we're doing all those ritual stuffs they do in movies." he ended, suppressing his laugh.
"Okey, so you'll be doing the sacrifice. Right?" I said, giving him a puppy face.
"Noooo" he stressed before returning back to his former position. I know he's trying to dodge this, but not today.
"Come on babe, we need to finally, actually talk about this. You like shying away anytime I bring up this discussion." I said, wiping of my makeup with my favourite Argon oil wipes as I head to the standing mirror.
"I don't want to; it's going to be stressful, don't get me wrong" he said, his attention still on his phone.
"Then make me get you right. We can't go to different churches, it doesn't make sense and it'll destroy our marriage." I said, bringing out the last wipe for the day.
"You don't have to lie to me to win an argument Bimbo." He said, tossing his phone on the bed and sitting up straight as he reaches the edge of the bed.
"I'm not lying babe, it happens" I said, heading to the dresser to pick up a stool.
"Who told you we can't go to different churches since we obviously don't want to go to each others church?" He said as I sit in front of him.
"You of all people should know church rules. Every church advises their members to marry from the same church, and I know some marriages that went south due to cases like this." I said, taking his palms. "I love you, and I just want us to make this right." I ended.
"I know of so many families or couples who went to different churches and still lived in peace and love. My parents are an example. We are not those people, we are we" he said, adjusting himself on the bed. "What's really wrong with you coming to my church?" He ended.
Sincerely, I don't feel good leaving this part of my my comfort zone.
"I don't like your church because I don't get that spiritual vibe I get in my church." I said, even if I know that's not concrete enough.
"You mean the madness vibes!?" He asked.
"What!" Is he insinuating that my church is crazy? I hope not!
"No offence, but your church is like Chelsea fans. Noise makers."
"Each time I follow you to your church, I feel sick. Too much noise I start repeating the next persons prayers, too much shaking of heads and body parts, the population suffocating, too much rolling on the floor just so that God hears you; too lengthy for no reason, too much drama, too much madness I fear to speak. I can't even concentrate on my own prayer because of some drama human beings around me. I'm not even talking about during communion, there's a fight every time I attend. Each time I leave your church, I pray to God that I forget the name of your church, and I'm grateful he answers my prayer."
Sighing, he looked me in the eyes. "If your church, was my only hope of salvation, then I'll just stick to the redemption I got from Christ's death."
"Why are we really making a mountain out of a mould, aren't we serving the same God? Aren't we? Is your God different? Is He Bigger? Mightier? More forgiving?" He said, as I reply with a stare. My brain, searching for an answer. "Answer me Bimbo! Are we serving different Gods?" He asked. Not getting an answer, he stood up, and left the room.
MR AND MRS PAUL
"...next time, I'm begging you, don't do that Again" I said, coming out from the car. She's always upsetting me every Sunday; what a woman.
"Mummy, why is Daddy not happy? What did you do?" Nnenne asked, stressing every word as she follows her mum out of the car.
Emily gave our daughter a silent treatment as she drags her into the house.
Removing the car battery, I went inside.
"Did you place the order" I asked entering the kitchen. Out of excitement, Nnenne abandons the spoon full of golden morn her mum brought to her mouth as she jumps out of her seat towards me.
"Are you mad?" Emily yelled as the spoon fell from her hands, the food littering the kitchen flour. She held Nnenne by her wrist as fast as she could, dragging her back onto her seat. I just stood there, watching, as tears sneaked out of my daughter's eyes.
"What's your problem Emily?" I asked, heading towards my daughter. "Like, what's really your problem, because I don't get it" I said, as calm as possible as I carried my daughter away from her.
"Ohw! So now I'm the one with the problem. You didn't see what she did was bad." She said, her yes filled with bitterness.
"Why do you like transferring your anger on this child. Even when we fight, you drown it all on her. I'll be very mad at you if this child develops any inferiority complex. I mean it" I said. "Anyways, did you make the order? It's almost an hour since we got back from church" I said, scanning the kitchen. "Or do you plan on making your fry fry?" I ended, knowing how much those words pinches her heart.
"Why do you like pampering this child?" She said avoiding my question. "The Bible says, 'spare the rod, and spoil the child'." Despite looking at her, I felt her head had been detached from her body. But today's Sunday, I'm trying to avoid fighting with this woman on Sundays at least. "'wife, be submissive to your husband' Abi you want us to start quoting the Bible" I said, dropping Nnenne down as I ask her to go watch TV.
"Ohw! Someone wants to talk about What God says, interesting!" She said, heading towards the sank with the plate of golden morn, forgetting the spoon on the floor. "So because I'm trying to be a good mother, I'm now not submissive. Oga, pack well" she ended, putting on the tap.
"My dear 'good mother' wife, you forget that I'm not stupid nor blind; and my daughter is not your vent box. Your motherly instinct begins to manifest each time we fight, or have a misunderstanding" I said, as calm as possible, my eyes on the running tap. "When your child start resenting you, don't call your village People" I said, trying my best to be calm as my eyes slowly turns away from the running tap.
"What's the meaning of what you just said" she asked.
"Put off that tap, it's bad manners to leave the tap running" I said, picking up the spoon from the flour as I carefully avoid stepping on the mess.
"Never hit my child woman!" I said approaching her; putting off the tap, she moves backward for whatever reason until she's being captured from the back by the the kitchen wall.
"You talk about being submissive, I hate the way you treat me in front of our daughter. How do you expect her to learn from me or listen to me?" She yelled, her eyes wanting to punch me.
"What exactly do you want her to learn from you? Ohw! I forgot" I said, slapping my forehead "You'll teach her how to be like you! How to not care for her husband. How to stop working when she starts having children. How to not cook or wash for her husband. How to treat her husband like trash. How to deny her husband her body as punishment whenever they get into a fight rather than resolve the matter irrespective of who's at fault. I'll pass" I said, putting some strands of her hair at the back of her ears, causing her to shiver.
"What exactly do you want to teach her Emily? I'm both mother and father in this house. It's so sad that I love you. That I chose you. It's even sadder that because of our mini us, I'm willing to let this marriage go on" I ended with a sigh.
"Dear wife, 'A wife of good character is her husband's crown; but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones'. I'll teach my daughter how to be a good woman." Not wanting to get emotional with my hungry state, I headed for the door.
"And please," I stopped, turning to face her as I approach the kitchen door. "Never interrupt me again in church with your silly chit chat and phone pressing. I'm eating out with Nnenne. If you're hungry, text me want you want; I'll get it on our way back".
MR AND MRS NKEM
"... I'm serious" he said, amidst laughing. Turning off the fire, I shout in jubilation.
"I told you! I'm a faster cook than you are".
"But I'm a better cook" he said, giving me a funny 'tongue out' facial expression.
"I'm not arguing. Why do you think I fell in love with you?" I said, giving him a smirk before heading to the fridge.
"Enlighten me" he said, as he pulls out a bar chair beneath the table counter in the middle of the kitchen. Trusting the high chair with his body, he smiled. Damn! His smile is heavenly as it does magic to the heart. "I thought it was only my culinary skills?" He continued. Obviously waiting for me to drown him in praises.
Nkem has a wonderful hairy physique despite his cute moderate belly bump. Tall, tanned, has the funniest and never growing toe nails I've ever seen in my life. His accent, indescribably amazing. He has his flaws, but those moustache, side burns and beards of his seems to cover up his flaws so well, one will think they were made in heaven. His bow legs are just so noisy, it draws attention like magnet.
Heading towards the cooker to turn off the fire, I smiled, because I'm a blessed Wife.
"You want to know what your magic was?" I said, approaching him, as he can't stop blushing. "Remember your project defence day? You peed in your pants, it was so obvious because it was grey. But you still stood there, talking till the very end. Despite your trembling voice, your final words were; 'your order was DEFEND YOUR PROJECT. If you score me base on my display of imperfections; base on the fact that I decided to face my fear once and for all, and not because I've delivered your order, I'll understand; because you're humans too. Then you left".
"And I had an A" he noted.
"Yes you did. Not because you gave them what they ordered for; but because they realized you were the Order".
Soaked in Silence, I look deep into his eyes, seeing nothing but sincerity.
He runs his hands along my arms until they rest over my hands. Nipping impatiently at closed lips, he pulled me close like he wanted to make us one person. It was a passionate yet an imperfect Language.
A tingle of electricity passed through me as our lips met. The kiss deepened as I ran my hands over his chest. Kissing his way down my neck, I couldn't help but let out a soft gasp. My eyes fluttered open, I gazed at the door way and saw her standing there.
Clearing my throat, I hit my husband playfully as I whisper to him of our daughters presence.
"Sweetheart, why are you standing there" he said, throwing her a smile, his hands calling her.
"I thought you people went out without me." She said, her attention divided by the sound of the TV as she runs off .
"My bad, I forgot we had a child" he punctuates every word with kisses, each more ardent than the last. I laugh softly against his lips. Trying to break free, Nkem pulls me closer and kisses the top of my head. "Like a gold ring in a pig's snout, is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion". He said. Not sure of what book that's coming from, but I know it's a Bible quote.
"So, I'll wash, you'll rinse". I said, breaking lose.
MR AND MRS JUDE
".... So once you have that, you've gotten your answer" I said before turning to unplug my phone from the socket close to were I sit.
"Faith, your husband is calling you, he said he's ready to go." A church warden, whose name I can't recall said after tapping my back.
"Thank you" I said, causing her to smile as she nods her head before leaving. "Ok children, stand up and say the closing prayer" I announced, getting up with them.
"We give you thanks all Mighty God, for all Your benefits, through Christ our Lord, amen!" They chorused.
Coming out from the children's section, one of the children ran up to me calling my name. Turning towards the call, Princess, a ten years old child gave me a warm hug as she wraps her arms around my waist.
"Princess, are you ok?" I asked, my palms enveloping her side jaws, as I pay attention to her face.
"Mummy Faith I'm fine, I just wanted to thank you for last Sunday, we had a test the next day and I failed nothing " she said with so much excitement, causing my heart to leap with Joy.
"It's fine, I'm happy to hear that. You're a smart ch..." I said, stopping myself before I could end as Jude's voice disables me.
"You have the guts to keep me waiting for you. Do I look like your driver?" He said, unawarely drawing attention. I quickly asked Princess to go meet her parents as I draw her away from me.
Turning to face Jude, as he approaches, I give him a pleading signal, one which he refused to accept as he showcases his anger even more. "I sent Margaret, the warden to call you and you choose to belittle yourself with children that are not yours."
Ohw, that's her name, Margaret. I always forget her name. Jude was just so blind at the attention he'd drawn to himself. I wanted to stop him, not like he'd stop; but at the same time, I didn't. Everyone in church tags us as that 'God When?' marriage instead of what it is, 'God why?'.
"I'm talking to you and you're moping at me. Instead of you to find out what's wrong with you that you can't have a child, you go around playing mother to children that can never be yours. You wasteful woman. Let's go!" he ended. His body suddenly relaxes as his eyes scans the environment.
"A quick-tempered man does foolish things and a crafty man is hated." I quoted Proverbs 17:14, just for his ears alone.
"If I get to the car and you're not there, find your way home." He said, almost whispering before leaving.
MR AND MRS ANDERSON
"....like why would he say such" she said, fuming. She's been ranting since service was over. I'm so surprised at how noisy our journey can be, not that any word I pinch in calms her down, instead, it fumes her more. If I choose to be silent, she's even madder.
"Wait, I want to understand what's eating you up? The pastor or God's words?" I asked, it's so annoying at how angry she's growing over today's preaching. I hope she doesn't burn my car.
"What silly God's word!" She said, her voice upraised.
"Calm down, I'm actually next to you; you don't have to shout." I said, beginning to wish this trip was as quite as it's always, she seems to be dropping her fire on me. That, I don't like.
"Abeg! Don't even start with yours." she said, followed by a dragged sigh.
"See Uju, if you have a problem with the pastor or with God's word, meet them. Stop giving me a headache and I need to concentrate." I said, trying my best to not look at her.
"Are you high on cheap drugs or something? How dare you talk to me like that! You're lucky you're driving, if not." She said, her deep voice so threaten. She's luck I hate beating women, she really is one lucky charm.
"If not what? What worst can you do that you've not done before?" I said, shooting her a stern look. "Na to kill me remain" I ended before focusing on the road. "What do you mean by that?" She asked, her voice, emotionless.
"You're not my God, I can't worship you Uju, I can't. I'm tired of you hitting me at every slightest provocation. I'm tired of the embarrassment, the abuse; is it the lack of respect you pour on me or the control? Your insecurities have ruined you it's sad that I love you." It's suddenly quite, I can't recall Uju ever being this quite while I talk, unless she has snake venoms to pour on me after this speech. "I've had it up to here" I said, my right hands slicing through my upper neck, my eyes, still on the road. "Just because I don't hit women doesn't mean I'm out of options. If you push me just one more time, this five years suffering is done. I mean every word." I ended, turning on the car radio.
"...Na how we see am oooo. Some women sha deh oooo. Anyways, take this bible verse home with you my fellow women. 'The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands, the foolish one tears hers down.' na Proverbs ta..." Abigail, a radio presenter on 96.8 FM said before her voice seized without warning as Uju put off the radio. It was then I knew were her anger came from.
That was the same bible verse Pastor Dele used in today's church service.