TW: mention of anxiety attack, mention of violence, suggestion of non-consenting sexual relations
The suggestion of a non-consenting relation is at the beginning of the chapter, at the end of the italic part. Nothing is described, only one sentence suggests it. Advance cautiously or skip the last dialogue!
Timeline : Saturday to Monday, November
Enjoy !
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Count to two while inhaling, then exhale for three seconds. Repeat.
He was washing the plates from the diner they had just had. His hands were trembling madly and he tried to breathe, but he couldn't help it.
His eyes slipped on his bare arms, where the bruises were already beginning to bloom. It was funny how some of them were long, finger-like, which came to encircle his arm. By reflex, he carried his fingers on them, caressing them, before pressing them lightly. He drew a grimace. He knew perfectly well that it would hurt, as all previous times.
An insult flew into the living room, followed by a laugh. He discreetly turned his head, to observe the other person in the apartment with him. He was a young man, sitting at a small desk at the back of the room. He was focused on the computer screen that was in front of him, while the mouse clicked furiously.
He quickly looked away, lest the other noticed that he was being observed. Quickly finishing the dishes, he wiped his hands, before leaving the kitchen.
His steps made no noise. He used to walk quietly, with the tip of his foot first. The heel was too noisy. He moved cautiously into the living room, skirting the sofa. From the corner of his eye, he watched over the other. He was now walking behind his back, gently moving towards the hallway leading to the bedroom and bathroom. Once he had made more than half the way, he allowed himself to look away.
He had almost reached the corridor.
"Where are you going?"
He straightened up, turning to the desk, where the young man was turned towards him. He had lowered his headphones, while his game was put on pause. His eyebrows were furrowed. He really wasn't happy.
"I was going... I was just going to shower."
"No".
"But-"
"I said no." The other one grumbled. "You'll go after. I have other plans for you now that you've finished the dishes."
He felt a chill through his body as the other was now moving towards him. He forced himself not to step back, knowing that it would only trigger problems.
A hand landed on his arm, going up along the skin until the man in front of him held him by the neck.
"What if we went to our bedroom?" The other asked in a falsely sweet voice.
"I'm not sure that-"
"Oh, but Jeongin." The other one cut him off. "I didn't ask for your opinion."
•
A hand touched his shoulder, triggering him. He raised his head, his eyes leaving his shoes, as he stepped back.
In front of him was Seungmin, a worried expression painted on his face. He had also stepped back and raised his arms.
"I'm sorry! I didn't want to touch you without your permission, but I called you several times and you weren't reacting."
Jeongin took a trembling breath. He squeezed a little more the books he was holding against him, trying to prevent his hands from shaking.
"You were staring into space..." Seungmin continued.
They remained in silence for a moment, not moving from their position. Jeongin began to count in his head. Inhale for two seconds, exhale for three. He repeated the pattern several times, gradually taking his marks. He looked around. They were both in the campus, under the courtyard of the General Building.
He turned his attention to the young man in front of him, who was waiting quietly, even though he seemed a little nervous. He was wringing his hands.
"I'm sorry." Jeongin gently said. "You surprised me and-"
"It's okay. I assure you. I shouldn't have touched you, but I didn't know what to do..."
"I'm good. I was just surprised."
Seungmin licked his lips.
"What are you doing on campus...? It's Saturday."
"Oh, I..."
The youngest took a look at the books he was holding against his chest.
"I needed to go to the library to pick up books for my project."
"Oh. Your teacher finally told you about it."
"Yes. What about you? What are you doing here?"
"I live on campus." Seungmin evasively replied. "My roommate is baking and it's really a mess, so I went out for some fresh air. I wanted to go get a smoothie, and then I saw you standing there, so... So I came to see you."
Jeongin blushed a little under the attention, gently nodding his head.
"Do you want to come and have a smoothie with me?" The older one suggested. "You can talk to me about your project like that. Well, if you want to... and if you have time."
"Oh... That's nice, but I didn't take any money with me."
"I invite you."
The youngest looked at him, surprised. He hesitated for a moment. It was never a good sign when someone offered us a drink. People always had ulterior motives... Seungmin gave him a nice smile. Then he remembered it was just Seungmin. The boy who had only been kind and understanding with him.
Matheo had also been kind to him at the beginning...
He shook his head, getting a curious look from Seungmin.
He wasn't like Matheo, he had to get that idea out of his head.
"Are you sure you're all right?" The photographer inquired.
"Yes! I'm going to come with you. But next time, I'm inviting you..."
Seungmin opened his eyes a little, surprised by the proposition. His expression of surprise quickly melted into an amused smile.
"All right! Come on, follow me."
The younger one slipped the books in his backpack, before following in Seungmin's footsteps. He guided them to a small jungle-like shop. From the outside, it looked tiny, revealing only a glass door. But, once inside, it was deep and beautifully laid out. There were tables in the back, but most of the seats were at the bar, where the employees prepared the drinks.
"Wow, that's pretty. I didn't know that place."
"I'm glad to be able to show it to you then. Just in time for afternoon tea. Do you want to sit at the tables in the back or at the bar?"
Jeongin looked at both places. The shop was not that empty. There were many people at the tables in the back, unlike the bar. But those who said at the bar, need to sit next to each other. Closer than if they sat at a table.
"The bar." Jeongin decided.
Seungmin smiled, sitting down. Jeongin did the same and missed the surprised look of his friend. The older one didn't expect Jeongin to take a chair so close to him. However, he said nothing. He didn't want to make him uncomfortable, even less push him further away.
They both ordered a smoothie, as well as a chocolate waffle for Jeongin and a fruit pancake for Seungmin. Their food was quickly served to them.
"How's the project going?"
Jeongin sighed slowly.
"I have to make a modern and elegant piece inspired by a circus profession."
"Oh, it's original."
"Yes... I had trouble getting something out of my head. But after several sketches, I finally found an interesting outfit. I bought the fabric yesterday, but since I don't have much money, I don't have my own pattern books... So I came to the library to borrow some who could interest me. The problem..."
Seungmin sipping his smoothie, listening to him.
"The problem is that I don't have a sewing mannequin at home yet. I save up to buy one, but it's very expensive... So for the moment, I have to deal with those available at school... But we don't have access to them on weekends. And on weekdays only until 8 pm. So it's gonna be hard to finish by next weekend."
"When do you have to finish it?"
"I give it to my teacher on Monday, at noon."
The eldest looked at him for a moment, thinking.
"Why don't you use me?"
"Huh?"
"Well... if you cut the fabric at my size. I can come to your house next weekend to wear the outfit and you can do all the modifications you want, before returning it on Monday."
"That's true ... ? Would you like to?"
"Sure." Seungmin replied. "If it helps."
Jeongin looked at him, before thinking that he had in fact, never invited anyone to his apartment. It made him suddenly nervous, knowing that someone was going to penetrate his personal space. That was another level of what he was just getting used to...
"All right. Thank you for helping me. But you can't sleep on Saturday night."
"No problem. If we're not finished, I'll come back Sunday morning."
"Don't you mind going back and forth?"
"No. I understand why."
The young man nodded, thankful that Seungmin was so understanding.
"Did you say you had to return it at noon on Monday?" The oldest asked.
"Yes. Just before the lunch break."
"Would you be free on Monday morning?"
Jeongin thought for a moment.
"Well, technically, yes. We have the morning to fine-tune the outfit.
"I don't have class on Monday morning. If we can finish the outfit on Sunday, do you want to do a shoot?"
"A shooting? Rehearsed the youngest."
Seungmin nodded.
"Yeah. We're pretty much the same size, so even if you make it my size, you should be able to wear it too. Wouldn't it be nice to take pictures in context? You could give it to your teacher with it, or even show it to your family or friends."
"M-Me? Do the model?"
"Yeah." Seungmin laughed. "My roommate is specialized in theatre. He could tell me how to do your make up."
"Are you sure? I'm not really photogenic."
"I'm sure you do. But don't worry, you have time to think about it, okay? We don't have to if you don't want to."
Jeongin licked his lips, a little nervous. He didn't think he had to make the model. He was going to make the photos hideous... He suddenly thought back to the pictures Seungmin had made for his teacher. The ugly things he had embellished with the photo... Maybe his magic will work on him, too?
"Okay, I'll think about it."
"Glad to hear it!"
"Can you text me your measurements tonight? So I can start working."
"Yes, I would do that."
"Thank you, you don't know how much you save my life."
"It's okay. No worries."
Seungmin smiled at him, before he finished eating his pancake. His younger friend watched him with his heart pounding. But he didn't know if it was because of anxiety, adrenaline, or...other things.
But he didn't have to think about it now. That will be the problem of the future Jeongin.
•
His lungs were burning. Yet he continued to move forward, despite the pain that was gently gripping him in the throat, and the pain that was throbbing in his arms. His hand touched the end of the pool, then grabbed the edge, and Chan took his head out of the water.
He gasped, catching his breath after his round trip. A movement by the pool caught his attention. The young swimmer raised his head to his coach, who was standing with his stopwatch.
"You did 26.02." The coach announced with a hard voice.
Chan clenched his teeth, knowing already that it wasn't a good time.
"Come on, get out of the pool. Practice's over for tonight."
The young man did so. He quickly grabbed his towel on the bleachers, in order to dry himself, while the team gathered around the coach. Chan joined them, staying in the background. He only half listened to the pep talk before the coach dismissed them.
"Chan. You wait. I want to talk to you."
He bit his lip, already feeling anxiety licking his stomach. He knew that he wasn't in good condition today, due to all the anguish he had felt in the last days. He had slept so badly. For a moment, he had thought about skipping training, but he remembered that the competitions were starting soon, and that it would be terribly frowned upon. In addition, diving in the water had always helped him clear his head.
Not this time, though.
He stepped on the spot, nervous, as he slipped his towel over his head to wipe his hair.
"What happens to you?" The coach harshly asked after all the other swimmers had joined the locker room.
"I'm sorry. I didn't sleep well, I wasn't in good condition..."
"Wasn't in good condition? Are you kidding me? 26.02, Chan! That's the worst timer you've had since you joined this team."
The blond swallowed slightly before he looked down. He knew his timer was bad. Far from what he usually did.
"You can't do this to me as competition season begins! This team is counting on you!"
He just nodded in response, his throat too knotted to speak.
"Now that the Kim twins have graduated last year, you are our team leader. We are counting on you to get the best scores on the competitions. I am counting on you to make the school continue to win. Otherwise, who knows what will happen. If we don't win anything, they can decide to close the team. It's all on your shoulders. Don't disappoint me."
Chan clenched his fists. His towel prevented him from sticking his nails into the skin of his hands.
"Did I make myself clear?" Coach finished.
"C-Crystal clear, coach." He babbled a little bit. "It won't happen again."
"Good. Go change and hurry. I'll wait for you to close the pool."
The young man nodded, before moving to the lockers room. His comrades were already out of the showers and getting ready to go home. Chan opened his locker with trembling hands and hung his towel on it. He took a weak breath as someone put his hand on his shoulder. Chan turned to find Seonghwa.
Seonghwa was a young man of the same year, studying literature. He had joined the swim club two years ago and had never talked much at first. Until Hongjoong presents them again at a small party. It turned out they were very good friends themselves for a while. He and Chan had become a little closer afterwards. Just classmates with the same passion for swimming.
"Are you okay?" Seonghwa asked in a low voice.
Chan glanced at the other swimmers, but they ignored them. Sometimes the blond guy would think the rest of the team didn't like him. He just didn't know why. Maybe it was just a feeling.
His throat was still terribly knotted, and his chest oppressed, so he just nodded his head. He preferred to reassure Seonghwa, rather than tell the whole truth. It would be too long, too embarrassing... Too personal. They didn't usually have that kind of discussion. He didn't want to make the other young man uncomfortable. He didn't want to impose his problems on him.
His friend hummed before patting him lightly on the shoulder.
"Okay. Don't worry too much, hm? Everybody has their bad days. I'm sure your time will be better tomorrow.
"Thank you." Chan creaked in a low voice.
Seonghwa smiled a little, before wishing him a good evening and leaving with the rest of the team.
Chan then went to the showers. He took one quickly, just to rinse the chlorine off his skin. The silence in the locker rooms was broken only by the sound of water falling on the tiles. However, it wasn't enough to silence his noisy brain. His thoughts quickly drifted to the coach's words, then to all the problems he had in general, including Hyunjin. This only increased the oppression in his chest, to the point of finding that taking breaths became laborious.
Despite his panic attack, he dried up and rejoined his locker. Chan knew it was a panic attack. He had experienced enough to know the symptoms. He had almost learned to live with them. To hide the symptoms. To act like everything is fine. Until it crushed him and that was no longer the case.
He got dressed, before picking up his phone and sitting on the benches. Leaning forward, his head between his legs, he tried in vain to regain normal breathing. That damn pain wouldn't go through, only making him more anxious. His thoughts drifted to Hyunjin, when he remembered his last panic attack after a club session. The brown man had been able to calm him so easily. He barely remembered what he had said to him, but he remembered his touch and his soft voice. And it made him regret the present situation even more. It made him regret the horrible things he had shouted at him. He missed Hyunjin. He was his lifeline, and now Chan was drowning.
With his heart in his throat, he unlocked his phone, before opening the contacts page. His finger floated over the name Hyunjin. A sob escaped from his lips, because he couldn't do that. He couldn't call Hyunjin and hope that the young man would help him calm down. He couldn't come back to him after their argument and the crisis he had. He couldn't show any more how broken he was.
And it made him feel worse.
Somehow, he forced himself to take deep breaths, wiping his wet eyes. He tried to bottle all these sensations, to forget them.
Someone knocked on the door, startled him.
"Bang! Hurry up."
Chan swallowed.
"I'm on my way!" He replied in a broken voice before his attention went to his phone, which had just vibrated in his hand.
Seungmin
8:15 PM | Still seeing you?
8:16 PM | I'll be waiting for you at the west gate.
8:16 PM | If you want to postpone, that's okay. I guess the training has exhausted you.
Chris
8:17 PM | Sorry. Training ended late. I'll be there in 5 minutes.
The young man passed one last hand over his face, taking a deep breath. The oppression in his chest had receded, allowing him to breathe a little better, but he could still feel it. It was somewhere, tucked away in the back of his stomach and ready to retaliate at the slightest sign of weakness.
Chan groaned as he dragged himself up. He got his things and closed his locker.
He was hoping he could sleep tonight.
•
Seungmin looked at the messages before locking his phone and putting his hands in his pockets. He began to walk distractedly, waiting for the older man.
Maybe he shouldn't have asked Chan to meet on a Monday night. However, he said he would make himself available if they needed to talk. And Seungmin needed to talk to him about Jeongin.
Fortunately, he didn't have to wait much longer, before seeing the oldest.
Chan quickly joined him. He greeted him, before apologizing again for his delay.
"It's okay, don't worry. I know the training schedules aren't right. I didn't wait long."
The eldest hummed, passing a hand through his curly hair. Seungmin looked at him for a moment, frowning. He didn't know why, but he found the older one... strange.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"Yes. Just the training that was more intense than expected."
"Your eyes are red." Seungmin noted.
"It's because of chlorine. And fatigue... I'm out, so if we could go get something to talk about, and not make it long, that would be good for me." Chan suggested.
Seungmin nodded.
"Yes, of course. I don't want to drag it out either. I have class early in the morning."
"Great, let's go."
They set out on their way.
By mutual agreement, they had decided to simply pick up a meal at the nearest store, and settle on a bench. No fuss and it was quick. It suited them both.
They began to eat.
"Then? I am listening to you." Chan began.
"I wanted to talk to you about Jeongin."
The eldest stopped chewing for a moment, doubtful, before picking up again and rushing to swallow.
"Wait- What do you mean "talking to me about Jeongin"? I thought we were gonna talk about you- "
"About me? No, I'm okay." Seungmin said while eating.
Chan frowned, staring at the younger one. Seungmin ignored him, preferring to concentrate on what he ate. However, the nervous tremor of his hand and the tension in his jaw wasn't lost on the swimmer.
"Right. Tell me about Jeongin... But then I want to talk about you."
Seungmin sighed strongly.
"I already told you, I'm fine-"
"Let's talk about Jeongin." Chan cut him off. "We'll see later."
Their eyes crossed and remained anchored in each other, wishing to press on their point of view. No chance for Seungmin, Chan was not going to give up so easily. The youngest dropped a small grunt before concentrating again on his food, crushing it with his chopsticks.
"So? Jeongin?"
"I feel like he's a little better..."
"Hm. I haven't heard from him. He doesn't talk in the group chat."
"He reads the messages." Seungmin said. "I guess he just doesn't know what to say most of the time."
"I wish I could talk to him sometime."
Seungmin made a pout.
"I'll try to work on it, but it's complicated... It's barely if he starts to trust me, so..."
"I know. Were you able to... check your assumptions?" Chan asked.
"I didn't talk to him directly about it. I don't want to push him. But I'm sure he was abused and sequestered. He was uncomfortable being in a cramped room with me."
Chan sighed slowly.
"
But where does he come from...? How-If he was imprisoned and subjected to violence, how did no one realize he was missing? How could no one help him get out of there?"
"I don't think Jeongin had many friends in high school." Seungmin sighed. "Maybe... Maybe we're actually looking for the wrong guy?"
"What do you mean?"
"Because of the club, we started from the premise that it was because of his ex." The youngest admitted. "But what if it was his parents?"
The swimmer thought for a moment. In any case, this was a hypothesis not to disregard. However, Chan had seen that Jeongin feared his ex.
'Given his reactions at the club, I don't think it's his parents."
"So why have they never done anything to help him?" Seungmin. growled
"I don't know... You should ask him."
The youngest sighed, before finishing his food.
"I should... But it's too soon. I think he's not ready to tell me all that yet... I'm going to his apartment next weekend, maybe he'll talk to me a little bit then.
"Maybe. But be careful, Seungmin. Maybe once Jeongin tells you the truth..."
He let out a breath.
"Maybe there will be no more turning back... Maybe your relationship will be impacted, and in the wrong direction..."
He spoke from experience. Admitting to having problems, admitting to being broken, always put a chasm between him and people. They weren't the same afterwards. There was always a trace of pity in their eyes. Sometimes disgust.
That's why Chan wouldn't show Hyunjin that side of him.
"Impacting in the wrong direction? I don't think so. Knowing the truth would only bring us closer."
"I speak from experience, Seungmin. Sometimes people's vision changes once they know the truth."
Seungmin looked at him.
"Your situation is nothing like Jeongin's." Seungmin gently said.
"I know. And I'm not saying it is. But I know what's going on in the head of a person like Jeongin."Once he tells you the truth, he can't help but see the pity and disgust in your eyes, even if there isn't."
"I'll make sure that doesn't happen."
Chan sighed again. What this young man could be stubborn. The silence spread, allowing the elder to also finish his dinner.
"Let's talk about you now."
The exaggerated breath on his right made him almost roll his eyes.
"I'm fine." Seungmin said again.
"Did you have any other relationships before this one?"
"Yes, of course."
"Can you tell me a little bit about that?"
Seungmin frowned, doubtful.
"For what purpose?"
"I want to check something."
"Good." He sighed. "There was one girl at the beginning of high school and another one towards the end."
"How long were the relationships?"
"A month or two with the first girl. The second one... it was more complicated. We've danced around each other for a long time."
"I see."
"Officially, it didn't last long with her either.
"Hm... Did they leave you every time?"
The youngest remained silent for a moment.
"Yes, they did." He admitted, uneasy.
"Seungmin... Are you lonely?" Chan asked carefully.
"Why would I feel lonely? I have friends. I have a roommate. I see people all the time."
"Just because you're surrounded doesn't mean you don't feel lonely."
Seungmin glanced at him before rising.
"I'm not lonely." He said. "I have to go home now."
"Seungmin-"
"Good night, Chan."
The eldest was silent, watching only the other boy go away. He sighed softly, raising his head to the sky, already dark. His eyes moved across the expanse in front of him, looking for the stars that would normally shine there.
However, the streets were too bright for that. He couldn't see anything.
Chan didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. He didn't even know why he was looking for the stars for a short time. Maybe because he remembered that discussion with Hyunjin, before it all fell apart like a house of cards.
Maybe he was still looking for a connection.
The young man shook his head slightly, trying to get that idea out of his head. He stood up. It was time to go home.
His feet led him to his dormitory, which he reached, tired. When he passed through the door, no light welcomed him. No heat was present. His throat knotted as he pressed the switch. No one was at home.
He didn't know where they were. At least for Jisung, because he suspected that Changbin had to be at Felix's apartment.
Chan dragged himself to the bathroom, where he spread out his pool stuff, before reaching his room. He gently pushed the door, revealing the dark room, only slightly lit by the lights of the city. His heart fell into his chest as his eyes landed on the bed.
The empty bed, whose sheets were still undone from the previous night. Not having the strength to do more today, he undressed, leaving him in his boxers. His head hit the pillow, as he dropped on the bed. Turning to stand on his back, his eyes found the stars on his ceiling. They burned his eyes, as did the tears rolling down his cheeks.
____________________
We attack a little more Jeongin's past with this chapter. We learn that his ex is called Matheo!
The passages about his past are going to be a little more present now, so there will be more TW, pay attention to the chapter beginning notes for this :)
See you next week!
MEMO
- Chan: 1st year of psychology master degree, musical production club and swimming team
- Minho: 1st year of an electronic master degree;
- Changbin: 3rd year sport bachelor, runs the music production club
- Hyunjin: 2nd year dance course, captain cheerleading team
- Jisung: 2nd year of bachelor degree in music production, music production club
- Felix: 2nd year dance course
- Seungmin: 2nd year art course, photography option
- Jeongin: 1st year, fashion student
- Mia: Chan's ex
- Woojae: Hyunjin's ex, captain of the rugby team
- Jooyoung: Jisung's ex
- Matheo : Jeongin's ex
- Hongjoong, Yanan, Bambam: Chan's friends, psychology students
- Anya, May, Yunho: cheer team
- Seonghwa : swimming team, Hongjoong's friend