A roaring headache greeted her solemn morning. Her mind had gone a little numb from the silent cries in her journey when she reached home too early in the morning. She would've thought that it's done trying but no, the effects of grief had now taken over.
"How are you feeling, dear?" Her father puts down the newspaper when she took her seat at the dining table. The visible frown on the old man's forehead reflects concerns, perhaps towards her pale face and unflattering eye-bags.
"Nothing an aspirin can't fix, daddy," She forced an assuring smile. "I should be asking how you're feeling. Mommy told me you've been sick?"
"I have?"
"Ahh you're up!" Her mother came in from the kitchen, bringing a bowl of rice porridge and places it on the table.
"What's this? You make breakfasts now?" She giggled. Her mother is always going to be the best homemaker in her mind but when it comes to cooking...let's just say that her father is the Master Chef of the house!
"He complained that there aren't much ingredients to do anything. It's partly your fault for not telling us that you're coming back yesterday - I could've gone to the market!"
Ahh yes...well, I didn't plan on walking into my boyfriend's office to find him with another girl either and I guess...yes, everything is on me. She laughed off the sinking bitterness off instead.
"What are your plans today?"
Sleep. Lots of sleep. Lisa felt like her body had been slammed through a concrete wall and flown all the way home to be honest. Everything aches.
"I just wanna stay home...rest. I think I forgot how my bed feels like,"
"Oh but I already told your aunts that you're back! They're so happy - they're visiting later,"
The annoyed groan almost left her throat. I haven't even walked the entire house yet and now I have to entertain??
"Mommy...I'm really tired. Can you tell them to come tomorrow?"
"Sure, dear. We understand, don't we?" Her father stopped the incoming protest from her mother and she can't thank her lucky stars enough that he did.
"I told Sorn you're coming back but I haven't updated her that you're here -"
"Mommy," She sighed again. "Can you not tell any of my friends that I'm here? I just want some time to rest...please. I'll call them myself when I feel better,"
When she got back to her room, her phone is fully-charged and switched back on. There are a couple of messages coming in - from the welcoming local networks to her 3 precious friends - and her heart beats faster when Jungkook's name appears more than once. The gadget rings and she picks it up to hear the sound of a prompter.
You have one voice message: "Hi baby, it's me. I'm rushing back to Busan now and will probably come back tomorrow. I wanna see you...I really need to see you. I'm sorry for not replying before, I really miss you. I uh...I'm almost at the airport now. I'll call you later yeah? I love you."
Tears started falling again when she heard his voice. The last that she heard it was that night, when she created the mess and her apologies were cut short. He didn't sound as cold as that night. He even called me 'baby'. Perhaps the hate he had for my actions dissipated by the touch of that woman - whoever she is. She must've 'treated' him so well in a single night, for him to sound so stressed-free like this!
'I love you'. How easy it was for them to say it...while I had to be forced - bounded by my own guilt to even realize it! Some people are just so lucky, aren't they? She gasps for a little more air. The stills in her room is suffocating and she felt like a stranger in an unknown land. I should feel the safest in my own home, why do I feel so shitty now?
With shaky hands, she opens the texts sent by him.
'I need to talk to you'
'Please, baby'
'It wasn't like what you think'
'Please just answer me. I need to explain'
'You can't just leave me like this! It's not how this works'
So he knew...what's even there to talk about then? How else should I think when I've seen him being so engrossed with another woman? How else should I leave? With tantrums or understanding? What - does he have his reasons too? He's gonna tell me that he was forced to be in that situation too?
It seems to be the theme of her love life. When she doesn't do enough, it's her 'issues'. When she blurts out the obvious, it's because she's 'too sensitive'. And she's quick to admit these too, hoping that the person she invested so much for would be kind enough to return her simple apologies. Instead, they always left me in silence...until I'm packed and gone.
...
Only 3 days in and she's already making enemies within the family. Her Aunt Hansa kept probing into her personal space - trying to cloud the familiarity of her own life.
"Was it nice living abroad? Did you make a lot of friends? I'm sure you had...although it must've been hard to trust anyone again after what you've gone through."
"It must've been difficult...being all alone after what happened. You know, you shouldn't have gone out that soon. You could've watched his face when he came begging for your parents' forgiveness...but I guess it's what's meant to happen, right? You do feel better right?"
"Still, you shouldn't have left your mommy to fend against those people. I'm sure they'll do anything to take back what they did to you now. You should make them pay, at least a little. That's what I told your mom but did she listen? No...she's too nice for any of that. Always too generous with her so-called 'understanding'."
She didn't know that her ex-fiance had came and begged for anything. What she did know is that her aunt's tone had been provocatively intrusive. Lisa tried to brush it off a couple of times too with her usual nods and smiles but every time she ended up staring at her quiet mother, her anger kept growing until it reached to a point of no return.
"You know...and I say this with all respect I have for you right this moment, but weren't you the one who turned us into this bunch of 'understanding people' in the first place?" She could still remember the loud gasps coming from her mother, but she didn't care. With her eyes welled up, she can't stop herself from lashing out to this world she called 'home'.
"You - her eldest sister - was the one who groomed her into following every steps it took to be this 'perfect woman' with a 'perfect daughter' - did you not think I'd remember how you constantly judged every single thing she did until she can't do no wrong under your scrutinizing guidance?"
"Just admit that you were happy when I was left on my own! Admit that there's a small part of you that was glad to have that much excitement going on in your boring life - you go around talking about it as if it revolves around you. You talked to her as if it was her failure when it wasn't! It was them! Nothing we did - no, nothing I did caused it!! And whatever comes after was none of your business - not when I left, not how she dealt with them - nothing!!"
"I can't believe you're still here, talking about it like it's only yesterday - it's been 2 years! I thought hard about coming back here and the first thing I wished for is to not have to deal with this shit from any of you because trust me, dear aunty, if anyone should carry this depressing burden for that long, it's me,"
"You have no right to come into our home and bear this shit like it's your own - not after what I went through! If I had known that this is what's to come, then I'm not even sorry to say this - I'd rather take a damn flight to fucking Alaska just to not hear you whining about it!"
Her unmatched anger and frustration left the entire house speechless. There's no way for her to know what goes on after since she had stomped her way back into her room and locked herself in there for the rest of the evening. If Lisa knew her mother well, she was sure that the woman would be crying and apologizing on behalf of her daughter's sudden ill-mannered temper. Not to mention...the swearing.
They looked just as appalled as Pali but hell, it does feel good to finally say something! I might have to argue my way out with mommy - actually she might tell daddy about it when he gets back so it's both of them! - but fuck it, if they can't understand where I'm coming from, then I'll just have to tell them the truth. They wanted me to come back, now here I am!
Sitting in the small confinement of her room and doing nothing but dissecting the possible implications over what she had done, Lisa can't help but succumb to the violent whispers in her mind. Some of those are saying that she did the right thing. She could even visualize her 3 best friends clapping their hands for her - Jennie unnie would be proud!
But there's still those few that's begging for her to apologize, particularly to her mother. She had, undoubtedly, just crossed this imaginary line set by any typical Asian parents - to never raise your voice against any elder family members AND to bring shame by insinuating that your parents hadn't been doing their best at...well...being your parents. She seemed to have done both in one single outburst.
What else could I have done? Lisa understood why her mother can't say anything. The pearl necklace that's always around her mother's neck was a gift from her grandmother - an heirloom with such a tight hold. It denies any sorts of individuality. They forced us to carry names and baggage that aren't even ours in the first place. We're trained to wear our family's pride around our throats, just like that pearl.
But a pearl is just a pearl, at the end of the day. A thing that dies in obscurity...it loses value when worn frequently. I don't want such a gem - something so easily scratched and required such detailed care to define the kind of woman I am. No...I have to be more than that.
...
"Lis, can I talk to you?"
She heard the low grumble of her father as she came out from the kitchen with a glass of water. He must've heard... Taking a deep breath, Lisa walked over and sat on the sofa in front of the man. Her fingers began unconsciously tapping on the glass she held with both hands, anxious at what her father had to say.
"Tell me, what's going on? You've been a little different since you came back,"
"I have?" She laughed nervously. "I didn't notice,"
"You're much more talkative in all those calls, now you barely left your room, and I heard that you lashed out to your aunt yesterday. Don't think I didn't catch you zoning out and leaving your meals untouched since you got back," Her father uncrossed his legs and leans forward. "Tell me what's going on with you,"
She wished she could bite her lips harder so she could stop herself from unleashing this newfound person inside. "I just...she was talking nonsense and I can't just sit back,"
"Hansa's always talking nonsense, it wasn't new at all! But you...this is so unlike you,"
She shuts her eyes for a second, feeling her heavy intake of air as she battles internally. I don't keep secrets from them, that doesn't have to change. "Daddy...would you rather have me as I was before?"
Her father frowns deeply, seemingly trying to understand her question. Her unnies' words are ringing loudly in her mind, asking her to speak loudly...boldly.
"I've been on my own for quite some time and I realized...I didn't like the way I was," Her voice staggers as she stares to the water in her hand. "I looked in the mirror and I didn't like what I see. The way I talked...how I think...I realized it was never me,"
"And the one that's been distant and rude, is that you then?"
"I wasn't being distant on purpose, daddy. I haven't been feeling well and I just didn't know how to act in front of you and mommy again, whether you'd like what you see. I need some time to adjust, that's all. As for the 'rudeness', I wasn't trying to be rude. I'm just tired of hearing her talk about that day and if you heard the way she said it, you'd want to correct her too," She said.
"Just be however you want to be -"
"That was me but here we are, with you asking me why I was rude. She was rude. I wanna move on...be a better version of myself but why do I feel like I'm constantly dragged back to the past? Why do I feel like everyone's still looking at me like I'm incapable of being anything else?" She felt like tearing up as she hushed her voice, as if she's pleading for a kind understanding.
"No one's asked me how I'm really doing since I got home. No one's asked the kind of work I did - whether I miss it. Tell me about your new friends, Lis - what are they like? Did they treat you well? Have you been happy? No one's asked me any of these things, everyone's too busy recalling back that day or looking at me like I'm this fragile being. I'm not,"
She watched the big heave on her father's shoulders as he sighed. "I...I'm sorry. I didn't realize -"
"I wanna remember only the good things, daddy. I always have you and mommy. I made new memories that I'm quite fond of and I'd like to keep making them. But I can't say these things to both of you...especially mommy. Every time I tried, she'd remind me that I have home to come back to - issues to deal with. I'd like to think that whatever issues I had was done with the moment I left but I'm constantly updated...reminded of it,"
"Is it so bad to want you to come back to us again?"
"Of course not, daddy," She placed the glass on the coffee table and kneels in front of her father, clasping the top of his hand. "But I'd like it if I can come back on my own terms. I'm twenty-four years old...I know I'll always be your little girl and I've never - for one second, forgot where I came from. I've been trying to figure out who I am for the past two years, trying to heal and recover the years I've lost...and I can't do it here. I'm remembering things better - things that I've missed. I only wanted to come back as a better person, I didn't wanna disappoint you both,"
"You can never disappoint me, Lis," Her father's lips trembled and the tears she had been holding back finally dropped.
"If that's really the case, then you wouldn't have looked the way you did earlier. You wouldn't have questioned why I said those things to aunt Hansa, even when you knew it to be true,"
"I just want to understand. My daughter's been away for a long time and I wish I could've been a better father - to be there with you while you search for these missing things. I wished I could've been the one to stand in front of everyone that day instead of you,"
It's very rare to see her father cry but here he sits, with glints in his eyes. Lisa thought of the many words she could say to the man as she stares up to him with guilt. Don't cry, daddy. You did nothing wrong, daddy. I would have liked that too, daddy. Perhaps a lot of things could've gone differently if I was with both of you. Instead, she lets her heart choose,
"I wouldn't change a thing from what happened, daddy,"
...
'Lalisa'
'I'm sorry'
'I told you that there'll be no hard feelings if you choose to leave'
'I've been trying to find that acceptance'
'But I can't'
'So I'll wait'
'I'll wait until you're ready to come back'
'I'll wait until you're ready to talk'
'But if I could ask for something now'
'I'd ask you to eat well and don't get sick'
'Don't keep too much in your chest, just cry it out'
'Cus even when you cry, I still think you're the strongest woman I've ever had the privilege to know'
'And please, please forgive me'
'Please don't forget me'
Jungkook had left many messages since she left Korea, but she always ended up re-reading these ones. The fact that he hadn't let a day pass by without saying something - explaining himself to her, is kind of heartwarming. It makes her existence matter, no matter how far apart they are in this world.
He remembers what he said from the very beginning. No, he remembers everything about me from even before. He said that he had been drinking a lot in his frustrated days...and me saying I miss being elsewhere threw him off-guard. I don't know who's more stupid between the two of us - my 'elsewhere' was him and he didn't even know!
Last night as she was falling asleep, she ended up thinking of all the beautiful feelings Jungkook had given her. He was always waiting for her in any form, wanting something to do with her without asking for much in return. His desperation was always shown in words like 'I'm sorry' and 'please don't run'. Being away from him now, she can't help but realized how right he was to have that fear.
As much as she hates to admit it, she could now see clearly why he said she'd been running from him. It wasn't all literal, perhaps he had sensed it in all her reservations. He once said that my eyes speaks a lot...maybe he could see the fears in them and thought that it was about him. The more she thought about it, the more at fault she felt.
It was my own mind that came up with those fear, never him. Now I can't even tell him or apologize - it's already too late! But he said he'll wait...for how long? Is it fair for me to just give him a call and tell him that it's okay? That deep down, I wanna believe him - spend as many days I have in this world with him? I don't even know when I can go back or if I'll ever get to go back. Is it fair for me to give him that hope and keep him waiting?
As she sits by herself at the coffee shop to dwell on her 'missing Jungkook' moments, Lisa still can't find an answer to these questions. She's been feeling sick since she got back home. Her mother's convinced that 'it's the change of weather' but her body hadn't felt like this when she first left Thailand. I can't be possibly be homesick for a place I've only lived for 2 years!
She shifts her earlier gaze of the rain outside of the store's glass window to the sudden noise at the order counter. The smell of coffee roaming in this place reminds her so much of the many mornings of Jungkook preparing coffee for her, but it mostly brought her back to the first time they had made love. Every day with him was unpredictably delightful...and every night with him had been the most lovely. Maybe I'm homesick for him?
...
The week passed by so slow, in her opinion - and on the eighth day, she asked her mother if she could visit her late aunt Jill's abandoned house. She knew that it's been years since the elder had gone to clean it up so she offered to do it herself. Thankfully, her mother didn't worry with much questions. Actually, her mother looked quite happy about it!
The old bungalow seems to be the only place for her sanity to find anything resembling peace here. For 3 days straight after the incident with her Aunt Hansa, more relatives had dropped by the house - some tried talking her into apologizing while others convinced her mother to speak some 'sense' to the daughter. The poor woman - she could tell that her mother's been struggling to keep her head high.
Comparing to that, the chilly and vacant rooms of what once her favourite place in the world welcomed her without judgement. She could even hear the musky scent and decaying walls congratulating her for making it out of there alive, if she was to listen carefully. Lisa hadn't spent much efforts in unpacking her own stuff but there she was, dusting away the floors and mopping it clean so she can lay down the woven mat she brought for an afternoon picnic by her own.
Sometime after, she began tracing her childlike steps into the meadow. She remembered how the long grasses and weeds were the same height as her, but now they barely pass her waist. The grape-greens with small yellow, white and pale pink wildflowers swayed along with the wind, as if they're happy too for her return. When she finally found the familiar spot where her aunt Jill used to lay down on, Lisa took off her shoes and did the same.
She's now surrounded by a frame of soft-flowing tall leaves and the pearl-blue sky. With nothing else in sight, she could hear squeaking swallows and the whirring dragonflies better. No one is here to tell her what she did wrong. There are no voices, blaming her for not being enough or to heal sooner. Aunt Jill was right...there's nowhere else better than to be where no one could see me.
As much as there are things she wished to forget, she knew too much of herself had already been lost. Parts of her died when aunt Jill died. Those are the parts that mattered, or could have mattered in her time of need. If she searched hard enough, she'd find the little girl in her bathing suit - running barefoot across this very field with not a care in the world.
With a heedless look, she'd sneak a laugh or two while her mother cried over the small blisters on her legs, caused by the brushes with weeds and thorns. That little girl was wild and free. She didn't mind much pain. Lisa thought of how if she could go back in time as herself now, that little girl would never come anywhere near her, much more follow where she hoped to go.
When the sky turned grey, Lisa started making her way back to the old house. With heavy steps and even heavier heart, she wonders if there'll ever be a time when she'd feel the same way without having to rely on this meadow. She recalled how easily it was for her to get lost in all the times she was with Jungkook. Yes...for a while there, I was happy.
How have you been? It's almost 2 weeks now since we last talked, are you happier now? I hope you're eating well too...and not drink too much. I hope whoever comes next won't be as terrible at loving you as I was. I'll let you in on a little secret, Jeon Jungkook-ssi...I'd be more than willing to start over if I could. I'll remember every single thing about you.
How unfortunate had it been, to fall in love when you weren't quite ready...or when it's too late. She wished she could make some time to apologize that he had caught her at her worst before she left. No, she wished she could apologize to herself for not realizing the worst in her sooner. Perhaps it would have made a little difference.
Maybe I won't feel his absence stitched in me so much. Maybe I won't feel this intangible sadness...an ache of missing him, even when I know that it's wrong to hurt this way. I wish I could just smile like that little girl again, then I won't mind much pain.
...
When Lisa arrived back at home, her chest burns with unforeseen fire. It wasn't the awkward hides of her mother's glances, nor was it the deep frown on her father's face. No...it's the face that was missing on what should've been the happiest day of her life. What is this -
"What the hell are you doing here??" Her hostile voice is paired with an unwavering glare.
"Lis...hi. I'm sorry I came unannounced - I called your mom just to check and I...I wanted to see you,"
Her heart crushed even more, glancing at her mother. A sense of betrayal sinks in like never before. Her father then decides to do the right thing by pulling her mother by the arm gently, away and out of the room. Perhaps he could tell that a whole lot of hell would've broke lose!
"Please...can we talk?"
She kept her silence, turning away from him as she tries hard to make sense of what exactly is happening. She could feel her heart beating loud with 2 years of suppressed emotions begging to be let out.
"I know...you must've hated me so much for what I had done. I've been miserable, waiting for you to come back. You can't imagine how much I wished that I could turn back time,"
She can hardly process these spoken words. All she could think of is her mother's intention and involvement in this sudden meet. With each seconds passed, she felt the knife that had been planted somewhere in her chest going deeper and deeper.
"Please, Lis, can you look at me? Let's just talk - we used to talk about things a lot -"
"'We'?" She's finally had enough. "Kun, 'we' stopped having anything to talk about when you decided not to show up at our wedding. 'We' definitely don't have anything to talk about when you got married six-fucking-months later and invited my best friends to your fucking wedding -"
"I know I was wrong to do that but I - I didn't have any other choice...I needed support -"
"What - as if you didn't get enough support from your own crowd??"
"No one understood how hard it was for me!"
"Wasn't that all I've been doing when we were together?!" Now she's shouting. Pools formed in her furious eyes but she refused to let any fall. "You humiliated me. You humiliated my family! Don't you dare stand there and asks for more fucking understanding - it's two years too late!"
"Lis..." He stepped forward and she flinched back by instinct. "Please, I'm trying to apologize here. Can we be civilized and talk like how we used to?"
It almost feels pathetic that she could remember exactly how he looked like when he's frustrated. When he can't find the right words to just say 'It was my fault and I'm sorry'. He will always find a way to make her feel like the bad person...just like everyone else.
"I don't need to be civilized, Kun. I don't need to be whatever you want me to be. You will never contact my mother again and you will never set foot anywhere near me again. I need you to leave," She held her stare as her chest heaves the heavy thumps.
"Please, Lis don't do this! I'm just..." He tried to reach for her hand and Lisa immediately swatted him away. Both of his hands then came up, gripping his hair in exasperation. "I'm not happy with her - I don't love her! It was just a set up for both families, my dad and her dad - please, they promised me that I could do whatever I want after a year and what I want is to be with you," Is he...for real?? "I still love you," There are glints in his eyes, as if it provides an assurance that her broken heart had never mattered.
I love you. The word sounds so absurd now! Nothing about this is 'love'!!
"I don't love you,"
He frowned as he stepped even closer. "We were together for a long time, Lis. I know you...you don't mean that,"
How dare he - "I do. I don't love you. In fact, let me be very clear and you should pay attention for once in your goddamn miserable life - the person you thought you knew back then? She was a lie," She clipped the rising vengeful smile on her lips into a straight line. "Save your apologies, if there's even any. You were right to not have shown up, so I guess I'm the one who should thank you. Thanks...now get out,"
Lisa waited for the long seconds to pass before his shoulders slumped, resigning to her last words. She didn't even want to look back and watch him leave, be it for the last time. Her aching chest and angry mind is already forcing her feet to find her mother.
As if sensing the hostility behind her steps, her father stood up from the kitchen stool - trying to stop her. "Lali, breathe -"
"How could you do this to me? Is this what you had in mind - is this why you guilt-tripped me into coming back??"
"Lalisa, watch how you speak to your mother!" Her father's strict voice calls but she couldn't tear herself away from the woman in front of her.
"Is it not enough? What he'd done to me, what they'd done to you - all the things people say, is it not enough?? Are you gonna let everyone trample over me, chase me to hell - kill me, for you to finally take your daughter's side?!"
"Lali!!"
"No!! I won't stop until she tells me what I wanna hear - do I disappoint you that much, mom?? I had nightmares of how you cried when you found out that he wasn't coming - is it because I failed you? This flesh and blood that you worked so hard for to please your mother and sisters - all this while, did you blamed me too??" She watched as her mother pales with tears running down her cheeks, but Lisa's seething anger blinded every inch of guilt screaming in her bones.
"I just...I wanted you to be happy,"
"Look at me, mom!!" She cried the hardest that she's ever cried in this house. "Look at me! Look at what I've become - everything that I am, are you not satisfied with me?!"
"You're my only daughter -"
"Then fucking treat me like one!! Protect me! Save me! Defend me when everyone tried to change or hurt me because that's all I've been doing for you!" Raw and bitter sadness was poured in her outrage. Lisa felt as if she's stuck in a thick bubble with very little air and no way out. "I changed my very being for you! Whatever you want me to be, I'd done it to save you! All this while, I can't believe I ran so far only to be back here..." Her howls are loud and her legs suddenly grew tired, wanting so much to sink into the ground.
What did I expect? Why am I even expecting anything at all -
Before she knows it, her bare feet has already left the house - wishing that they could go fast enough to escape the betrayal of her own home. The cries of her name sounds more and more of an echo...barely there to help her at all.
...