Jin's POV
Jungkook led me to the wooden swing he assembled in the farthest part of the garden. It was painted white and roofed with interwoven vines and leaves. He sat and laid the chicken on his lap.
"Is it pretty? I fixed it so I can rest here. Namjoon hyung often reads here during his breaks too. It's quiet and relaxing here."
I joined and sat beside him.
"Is that guy treating you well?"
A month ago, Hoseok informed me that he will be hiring another employee. I did a background check and asked for Kim Namjoon to be tailed. He seemed harmless and not, in any way, connected to the world I live in. Yoongi said that he's normal. Normal guy with normal human problems. Someone who got sick of living in a fast pace. Someone who felt lost and out of place. That's why he rooted himself somewhere else. Good for him. I envy him for having the chance to do that.
"Namjoon hyung?" His eyes sparkled. "Namjoon hyung is cool. He's so smart. He knows what to do to take better care of the plants. And he knows which of them is bad. He also told me and showed me which frogs I should avoid and I should not carelessly hold because they're poisonous. Like the one we can see in a tropical rainforest. He hasn't been in a rainforest. But he knows all about it. Because he read it in a book!"
My little one is charmed. But has he ever not been? He finds wonder in everything and is amazed by everyone. Including me.
He pouted. "I may have...told him our secret. But we can trust him. Namjoon hyung is good."
"I told you not to tell anyone."
"I don't know why we should not. What is wrong with people knowing that I have a real brother?"
"Don't you trust me?"
"I do."
"Then do as I say. No more telling anybody."
"Sorry." His downcasted doe eyes looked really pitiful. "Are you mad at me?"
"I'm not. I won't. Ever. But what I ask of you, even if I can't tell you entirely, it's for you. So I need you trust me."
"I trust you, hyung."
"Promise me you won't tell anyone else." I lifted my pinky finger to him.
"I promise." He entwined his finger with mine.
The chicken's head snapped up when it awakened. Jungkook released him on the ground.
"Can I bring Chicken when we go to the beach?"
Right. I almost forgot.
"That's the thing I've been meaning to tell you. Can we go to the beach some other time?"
"Why?"
"Something came up."
"What is it?"
I don't know how long I can keep this up. He has been asking questions already. I don't want to lie to him but I can't tell him the truth either.
"No more questions."
"Why do you always use that tone when you don't want to answer me?"
"What tone?"
"That tone. Like you're a cold mafia boss. I watched a drama with a character like that."
I told Hoseok not to allow him to watch dramas with that trope.
"Why can't we go? You promised we'll go on my birthday."
"We'll go some other time."
"When?"
"Soon. But not right now."
"I promised Namjoon hyung that I'll bring home crabs."
Why is that Namjoon always included in the conversation?
"Why can't we go?" He sulkily insisted.
"Do not ask anymore. I don't...want to lie to you."
"Not telling is considered as lying."
"Jungkook."
"Why can't you tell me? It's okay if we can't go. I just want to know why you can't tell the reason. I just want to know why you can't tell me many things."
He has been keeping his curiosity in out of his obedience. But I know that he knows that there is something I've been hiding. He just doesn't pry for the answers. Until now.
"What happened all those years? Where have you been? What have you been doing?"
Will you still look at me the same once you know what I've done? What I'm still doing?
"Did you get caught up with bad men?"
I did. And I turned to be one. I am one of the bad men.
"You can tell me."
I can't. "I told you. What I do and what I am, it must be kept a secret. Including the reason why we can't go to the beach."
He stared at me with probing eyes. Take it. Let it go. Just like what you always do. Please.
"But you'll visit me on my birthday?"
I sighed. "I'm visiting you now."
He frowned. "You have to stay away for a while?"
"I'm sorry."
"Let's go on your birthday then."
He smiled. Finally.
I know I've been selfish. Keeping him like this and indulging myself with his affection despite of the grave mistake I've done nineteen years ago. My burdens right now, the life I am living, I know it is karma. It's to pay for my recklessness and irresponsibility that day. I can't even be mad when the person who bore us abandoned me. I deserved it. It was my fault that I lost Jungkook. I should not have left him.
I am selfish. I should have stayed away when I finally found him. I should have been contented to know that he's alive and well. Instead, I came close. My life is awful. I am in living hell. But I feel like I am not whenever I am with him. So much so that I nearly got convinced that life is beautiful. It isn't. And now, I am endangering him. They wanted to use him against me. Because he is my weakness. Indeed. But he's also my strength. I won't let them get to him. I will turn the world upside down to find everyone who wanted to hurt him. I will do everything. I will protect his life even if I have to send many to their deaths.
■■■
19 years ago
Seokjin nervously watched as little Jungkook went down the slide. He raised both his hands up, beaming as he slid. He landed hard on his butt. Seokjin's breath hitched. Then, Jungkook scrunched his nose and smiled.
"Kookie is okay, hyung." He said as he ran back to slide again.
Seokjin went behind him and held his waist to help him climb.
"Kookie can climb alone. I'm a big boy."
The older brother chuckled and stepped back. He walked to the front and watched as he slid again and again. Seokjin roamed his eyes around the playground. It was filled with children dressed in pretty, bright clothes. He looked down on his old black jacket and faded jeans then turned his eyes on Jungkook's washed out red hoodie, yellowed white sleeves, hand me down denim pants and ragged black sneakers. He can't help but feel envious. His little brother deserved better. He wished he could give him nicer clothes.
His attention was caught by a shriek. It was coming from the seesaw. One kid was crying and screaming because the other would not stop flinging him up. A woman standing near with a phone on her ear turned back and shouted at the boy who was wearing a crown and a sparkly green jacket over a yellow long-sleeved shirt. But he did not stop. He continued springing and laughing, much to the torment of the other kid who was obviously not enjoying. The woman lost her patience. She marched and slapped the boy's back hard.
He peeled his eyes away when Jungkook ran to his arms. His baby brother was covered in sweat. He pulled off his hoodie and used it wipe his head and back. He noticed that he was staring at a little girl who was standing in front of them. Then he realized that he wasn't looking at her. He was staring at the banana milk she was drinking. Little Jungkook gulped.
"Do you want one?"
He beamed at him.
"Wait here. I'll buy you one."
"Kookie will come with you."
But he can't. If he does, he won't be able to give him what he wants.
"No. You'll get tired walking. Just wait here."
Jungkook hesitantly nodded. "Kookie will wait for hyung."
"Do not leave this spot, okay? I won't be long. Wait for hyung."
He sat down and placed his hands on his lap. "Don't forget Kookie."
"I won't ever forget my little one." He said as he turned to leave.
He looked back one last time to check if his brother was keeping to his promise. He was wandering his starlit doe eyes around with his hands still in his lap and his feet swinging in the air.
Seokjin strode to find the nearest convenience store. He went in and walked to where the banana milks were kept. He subtly looked around for convex mirrors. He was reflected in one but he thought if he's going to do it when the cashier is attending to someone, he can take it without being caught. He paced around to check if another salesperson was somewhere near. He found her stacking items at the farthest aisle. He slowly zipped his jacket down.
It was not the first time he resorted to stealing. He doesn't enjoy doing it. But they don't have money. Even for food. They'd be lucky to eat twice a day but they're always so unfortunate. All of his and their mother's earnings are taken up by house fees and bills. He noticed that his brother is thin, sickly and not growing. It pushed him to do things he shouldn't have done. Seeing his brother starve every single day made him set his morals and conscience aside.
He went back and waited for a customer to pay. And when someone did, he quickly but inconspicuously slotted the bottle inside his jacket. He stayed for a minute or two, pretending to find something but never being able, before he exited the convenience store. He marched back to the playground with glee, imagining Jungkook and his dazzling beam.
But when he arrived, the only thing he saw was Jungkook's red hoodie. He was not there.
"Jungkook?" He roamed his eyes and searched for his brother.
His heart started racing. His hand tightened around the banana milk.
"Jungkook!" He shouted. "Hyung is back! Where are you?!"
He ran around the playground, hoping that he'll see him just hiding. But everywhere he went, he wasn't there.
"Come out! I don't want to play!"
He didn't realize that tears were already pouring down his cheeks.
"Come out now. Hyung is getting scared." His voice hushed.
He sobbed. He felt dizzy. He was startled when an old man grabbed his shoulder.
"Are you with the woman who lost her son?"
Seokjin looked at him, confused.
"There was a woman who was also looking for his son. Are you with them?"
"No."
His head was muddled. He didn't give a thorough thought on what the old man said. He dazedly walked away from him and searched around the area. It was all in vain. He went home alone and distraught when the day ended. He came back and tried to find him. Day by day, he sought. But Seokjin never saw his little Kookie again.
One day, their mother told him that Jungkook was seen in another city. They rode on a bus and got off in a busy and crowded marketplace. She told him that they will search for Jungkook separately and meet each other in a corner at the end of the day. He gazed at her eyes, even when she can't look at him, and nodded. She left when he agreed. He followed her and watched as she hopped in on the bus to go back to their city, alone.
He knew. He has always known. She treated him different since the day he came home without Jungkook. She never looked at him. But when she did, he'd always see hate in her eyes. It wasn't enough that she beat him bruised and bloody when the police informed them that they will stop the futile search. She blamed him. And he thought, who wouldn't? It was his fault. He can't even be mad at her for leaving him. He deserved it. It was all his fault. That's what he told himself every night as he wept listening to their mother's sobs.