"I'm going to talk to her," Camila announced once her tears had subsided. The other three girls looked at her like she was insane, and Camila bit her lip nervously.
"I don't know if that's a very good idea," Dinah said carefully. She didn't want to upset Camila even more, but all the girls had seen Lauren's reaction and were aware of just how miserable their green eyed bandmate had been for the past month. Following Camila's disappearance, Lauren had been a completely different person.
Camila sighed, knowing they were probably right. All she wanted to do was go inside and settle whatever Lauren had against her right away. But the more she thought about it, the more terrified she was to hear what Lauren had to say to her.
"I shouldn't have come back as a surprise," Camila shook her head and sat down on the front porch. "I just... I thought she'd be excited. Apparently not. God, how could I be so fucking selfish?" She let her head fall into her hands and took a deep breath.
"You could always t—," Camila stood up before Ally could finish her sentence.
"I'm tired," Camila admitted. "I'm just gonna... go inside and sleep or something."
Normani raised an eyebrow at her.
"I won't even talk to her," Camila jumped to her own defense, holding her hands up as if she were surrendering. "But it's kind of my house too... so, I don't know." She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She hadn't been prepared for this.
"Be careful," Dinah was the first of the other girls to speak up. "You can call any of us if you need anything, okay?" Ally and Normani both nodded to show their support.
"Thank you," Camila half-whispered, enveloping all of her bandmates into a hug.
"We're always here for you, Mila," Normani laughed, ruffling her friend's hair. Camila gasped in fake shock and elbowed the other girl playfully.
Taking a deep breath, Camila turned around and faced the front door of the house. "I guess this is it," she muttered under her breath.
"Don't freak yourself out," Dinah stepped up behind her friend and placed a hand on her shoulder. "It's Lauren... she won't stay mad at you for long. I think she's just confused."
Camila nodded and took a step forward, turning the doorknob slowly. "I'll text you later," she waved to her bandmates, thanking them once more before slipping into the foyer of the house and closing the door behind her.
She saw Lauren's shoes at the bottom of the staircase, knowing that she was most likely upstairs in the bedroom. Deciding to give her some space, Camila wandered into the kitchen and looked around. It was the same as she remembered it, but the only difference was that it wasn't as intimidating as it had been before.
While in rehab, Camila had slowly made progress. Well, she'd been forced to. It was the strictest combination of doctors and nutritionists she had ever had, and she couldn't get away with anything she'd been able to do previously.
She'd gained a good percentage of her weight back. At the beginning she had felt disgusted with herself, but not she could tolerate it. The thing Camila didn't understand, was that forcing her to eat didn't really help anything.
Sure, it helped her gain her weight back so she wouldn't crumple up and die as a human skeleton. But it hadn't fixed the problems that made her start skipping meals in the first place. At least now she could allow herself to eat something when she was hungry.
Something caught her eye, and upon further inspection she realized her guitar was still sitting in the same place it had been since she had left. A lump formed in the back of her throat and she suddenly realized how angry Lauren could possibly be with her.
Standing in the kitchen any longer would make her feel sick, so she slowly made her way upstairs. That's when her heart dropped in her chest.
Taking a tedious step forward, she peered into the room where she had nearly... ended things. She brought her hand up to her heart when she saw the note she had written torn to shreds on the floor. It looked as if Lauren had made no attempt to clean anything up. Instead, she'd just shut the door and forgotten about it. Out of sight, out of mind.
"Are you okay...?"
Camila whipped her head around when she heard the familiar voice behind her. Her stomach flipped when she saw how upset Lauren looked. She had been crying, it was obvious. But the green eyed girl had tried to hide it.
Not being able to keep her distance for any longer, Camila was compelled to run forward, wrapping her arms around the other girl and burying her head in her neck. She'd been looking forward to hugging her ever since she had been admitted to the hospital. Some days, it was the only vision that kept her going.
Lauren stood frozen, not making any attempt to return the hug. After a few seconds, she peeled the smaller girl off of her and took a step backwards.
"I asked you a question," she ran a hand through her hair and studied Camila. She had gained some weight back, her skin was practically glowing. She looked a lot younger, and a lot healthier.
"Oh... yeah, right," Camila bit her lip before shrugging. "Are you okay?"
Lauren's defenses immediately sprung back up. "Fine," she mumbled before turning to walk back into the bedroom. Panicking, Camila lunged forward and grabbed the taller girl's wrist.
"Wait," she blurted out. Lauren turned around and raised a questioning eyebrow. "Why are you... why did you... are you mad at me?"
Lauren's face underwent a series of emotions before it went completely blank. Unsure of what to say, Lauren tugged out of Camila's grip and walked back into her bedroom, sitting down on the edge of her bed and sighing.
Camila stood tediously in the doorway, biting her nails and trying to figure out what she should say.
"I just... I never thought you'd be mad at me... I-I..."
"I'm not mad, Camila," Lauren finally spoke up, keeping her gaze fixed on the ground by her feet.
"Then what are you?"
"Confused."
Camila bit her lip. "Why?"
There was a long pause of silence and she heard Lauren sigh heavily. Just as she was about to leave and escape the awkward tension, Lauren stood up.
"Why would you even think about doing something like that?" her voice was laced with disbelief, not anger. Camila bit the inside of her cheek and hung her head down to the ground, feeling guilty for doing this to Lauren. If only she had known how this would have affected the green eyed girl, maybe she would have thought twice about it.
"I-I don't k—,"
"How could you? I was so... so..." Lauren let out a grunt of frustration and punched the door, sending it flying back against the wall. Camila flinched.
"I didn't, though," Camila came to her own defense after composing herself.
"But you wanted to?"
"I-I don't know, I just... I needed a way out," Camila huffed, bringing her hand to her face and shaking her head. "I don't know."
Lauren just stared at her blankly.
"I stopped myself before I could..." Camila added quietly, looking down at the ground. Memories of the note came flooding back to Lauren and she bit her lip, remembering how firm in her decision Camila had sounded.
"You look better," Lauren said softly, trying to change the subject. Camila glanced up at the other girl before looking down at her shoes to remember what she had worn that day.
"Thanks," she mumbled, shuffling her feet nervously. "I feel better, too."
"That's good," Lauren walked back over and sat down on the edge of the bed. Noticing Camila still hadn't fully entered the room, she nodded once, silently telling her it was alright. The smaller girl took a few steps forward and sat on the other side of the bed.
They sat there in silence for what felt like an eternity, both girls too scared to speak up. Eventually, Camila took a deep breath and turned to face the girl.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered, attempting to swallow the lump in her throat. Lauren lifted her head, and Camila's heart dropped when she saw the older girl had tears in her eyes once more.
"Please don't do it again," Lauren's voice came out barley audible, but Camila understood perfectly clear what she was saying. She bit her lip before giving the other girl a soft nod.
"I was so... scared," Lauren admitted. Now it was Camila's turn to comfort her friend. She crawled across the bed carefully, sitting down next to Lauren and biting her lip. When the green eyed girl didn't make any attempts to move away, Camila reached out and took one of Lauren's hands in her own.
"I'm sorry," she whispered again. Lauren shook her head.
"No, I'm sorry. I didn't know, I couldn't help you, I could have done more, I just..."
Camila looked at the other girl in disbelief. "You really think that?"
Lauren nodded.
"Please, please believe me when I tell you none of that was your fault," Camila felt her voice crack and she quickly wiped her eyes on her sleeve. "I needed help, the kind you couldn't offer me. But y'know, while I was there, just knowing that I had a friend on the outside was the biggest factor that kept me going."
"I guess you're pretty disappointed I was a complete asshole today, then," Lauren mumbled.
"I deserved it," Camila quickly disagreed.
"I'm proud of you," Lauren blurted out.
Camila was taken aback, and she tilted her head to the side in confusion.
"For... you just, when you came in my room, you stopped yourself," Lauren stumbled over her words. "You were the one that wanted to go to the hospital and get help. I'm proud of you for that."
Moments later she was engulfed in a bone crushing hug.
"I don't know what I did to deserve you," Camila's voice was muffled against Lauren's shoulder. This time, the green eyed girl returned the gesture, and Camila felt millions of butterflies erupt in her stomach.
When the hug pulled away, Camila yawned softly and covered her mouth. A few moments later, Lauren did the same, causing both of them to giggle.
"Let's sleep and figure the rest of this out later," Lauren decided, crawling back on the bed and pulling the covers over her legs. Camila watched hesitantly from the end of the bed, scared this would be crossing some sort of invisible boundary.
"C'mon," Lauren laughed softly, patting the spot on the bed next to her. Camila scooted forward, and once she was within Lauren's reach, the green eyed girl pulled her down next to her, wrapping her arms around her in one swift motion. Another round of butterflies arose in Camila's stomach. She'd missed this.
In rehab, you had your own bedroom. No one was allowed in your bedroom. You weren't allowed to touch anyone, not even for just something as innocent as a high-five. Even the nurses couldn't touch you unless you needed to be restrained. The only physical contact you'd receive was when the patients had to get their blood drawn weekly.
So, to say lying next to Lauren was overwhelming would be an understatement. Camila turned on her side and buried her head in the older girl's shoulder. She didn't care if things were moving too fast. She didn't care at all. She just wanted to be as close to Lauren as possible.
Both girls fell asleep fairly quickly. But an hour or so later, Lauren was woken up to the buzzing of her phone in her pocket. She smiled at the girl in her arms, thankful she wouldn't have to sleep alone anymore.
Being careful not to disturb Camila's slumber, Lauren freed one of her hands and dug her phone out of her pocket. It was an email. From their manager. She opened it, scanning over it and nearly dropping her phone.
"What is it?" Camila asked groggily. She had woken up when she heard Lauren's phone buzz, and had become worried when she saw the older girl's reaction to whatever she was reading.
Lauren jumped when she saw Camila was awake. Biting her lip, she glanced back at her phone and then back to the younger girl.
"We're going on tour again."
—
a/n: i'm resisting the urge to make an "i don't know about you, but it's chapter 22" joke so be proud of me
anyway, i hope you enjoyed this chapter!! the first chapter of yellow was published yesterday, so go check it out :)
- lena (@lenajfc on twitter, txrches on tumblr)