Still Loop 399
My entire body comes alive as Rion's lips press against mine. I'm buzzing and floating, like there's nothing tethering me down anymore. The weight of the world – the heaviness that I felt bearing down on me these nearly 400 loops – is gone. It evaporates into thin air. I'm completely free, enraptured in this amazing feeling as it whirls throughout me.
I love him, I realize and that truth wraps around me, sinking deep and pulling me closer to him. I love who he is, and what he is, and everything he is.
It's a moment I've been waiting my entire life for. A moment that exists on an island of its own. I'm not on this airplane anymore, not caught in a cloud of white noise. I'm not anywhere, other than in Rion's coconut-scented arms. It's the only place I want to be.
But then the overhead compartment pops open and we jolt apart. I'm dazed for a moment, and then it all rushes back to me.
Our last loop.
We have to get it right. We have to. It's all on the line. And it all comes down to the two of us, all in a matter of minutes.
It's everything in the world worth fighting for.
There's only a minute left until Heather approaches the open compartment and finds the drugs. Then the madness begins.
"Ready?" Rion asks as he holds me tight.
I don't say anything – the words won't come out. They're scared, cowering in the back of my throat. No, I'm not ready. I need more time, so much more of this borrowed time. I need more time with you.
I'd even take a few hundred more loops if I could be with him.
When I first got on the plane, a part of me didn't want it to ever land. And a part of Rion didn't want time to keep moving forward. Both of us got what we asked for... in a way neither of us ever intended.
His fingers tighten around mine and finally I find my voice. "I wish we met earlier. I wish..." I trail off. There's too much to wish for and I don't know how to put all my feelings into words.
"You're amazing. You know that, right?" Rion then says.
I smile, recalling Dr. Sheryl's advice in my head. She always told me to give myself the validation I seek, instead of looking for it in others. We have to find that assurance inside ourselves, she said. And yes, I did know it now. I am amazing. I've amazed myself all these loops. And I know I'll never need to seek that validation anywhere else again. I've found that confidence within me.
And then I sense it. What Dr. Sheryl told me all those loops ago. I feel that shawl around my shoulders lighten. I glance at my backpack, as the constant knot in my stomach relaxes. Loosens.
And then I'm suddenly overcome by a feeling that overpowers any of the others I ever felt for my father.
Love.
I love him so fully, with every fiber of my being. And while a small part of me still wishes things ended differently and that I could right the wrong turns from the final few months, still, more than anything else in the world, I just miss him.
Then I realize, that's where my hurt and anger came from. Maybe it's easier to feel those hard-edged emotions than it is to feel the biggest one, the one that eclipsed the others. My all-encompassing love.
I exhale, feeling the heaviness lift from my body. I'm ready to let it go. To put that shawl in the back of my closet. To take the good and leave the rest behind.
I grip Rion's hand harder. "You know, you're amazing too," I then say.
And then I realize something else.
I believed that so many moments in my life didn't amount to much. Even in these loops, I thought the countless conversations, daily exchanges, and interactions were just wasted time. But, I had it all wrong. Life is a necklace strung from these pearls. Every little moment is another bead added to the strand. And over time – whether that time is linear or not – it all adds up. Together it creates something truly miraculous.
And now, I want more time. More everything for me, for Rion, and for everyone onboard.
I want more pearls.
Out the window, darkness has spread. It's taken over, in all directions, canceling out the sky and the sea and everything in between. The whole world has disappeared. There are no landmarks to tether us, no clear direction where we're going.
In the darkness, all my obvious senses dull, and what's left is blind faith. I glance around me. And trust in others.
Heather is almost at the open luggage compartment.
Rion exhales and rises to a stand. I mirror him, and he gives me a meaningful glance. His voice is soft, "It's go time."
I nod. It's all I can do. But meanwhile my stomach sinks.
"I'll follow Heather, and you tell Lydia and Cheyanne they're needed up front right before Heather alerts the cockpit, and the bathroom door opens. Then rally the troops back there. Get Mason and Bryan to come up to the front, and the chiropractor too. And anyone else you think could lend a hand."
I nod again, determination settling in my gut. We can do this. We have to do this.
Heather is reaching overhead into the baggage compartment, rearranging the black duffel bag as it opens. Her eyes lock on the drugs inside it. She closes the compartment and with purpose, heads to the front of the plane.
"Let's expose these guys, and get the plane back." Rion grins, but it's only for a split second. And I know it's only for my benefit. "Is now the time for one of those 'go team!' things? I was never an organized team sports guy, either."
I can't laugh. I can hardly breathe. But my heart swells with love for him.
Heather passes our row, and Rion flashes me one last glance.
And then he's gone, following her to the front of the plane.