I couldn't even begin to imagine the look on my face as we stood outside of the coffee shop. If it even remotely resembled what I was feeling, it would've been enough to disintegrate Harry if he dared to look in my direction again. I could feel my grip on the strap of my bag tightening, unable to fully listen to the words of the conversation surrounding me. I could faintly make out Pauli's laughter beside me, and Sarah's in return, but all I could focus on was him.
There was considerable distance between Harry and the unidentified girl by his side, now, but her hand occasionally brushed over his arm, the pair now conversing with Ally. I wanted to stop looking at him, but I couldn't. I was completely and utterly bewildered by what was unfolding before my eyes.
I noticed when she leant back into his side at something that Ally had said, winding her arm around Harry's waist as they laughed in unison, that he didn't appear to return her touches. His hand hovered, at moments, over her upper back, but it never seemed to fully rest upon her body.
I was furious. I was trying my best not to assume the worst, but I couldn't help but begin to put the pieces together that were undoubtedly starting to occupy my head. If Harry was an item with whoever this was, then it made perfect sense as to why he'd sought to talk me out of coming on tour, at all - he wanted to hide the mistake he'd made, in what appeared to me, undoubtedly; he had cheated on her, with me.
I tore my eyes from him, my lip falling between my teeth. I needed to get ahold of myself. I couldn't continue to shoot daggers across the room at him - aside from the fact it would only drive me crazy, but it would also draw attention; the very thing neither he nor I wanted. I figured it probably wouldn't do me any favours to make a huge scene, having known the people around me for mere minutes. And that wasn't me; that wasn't who I was. I didn't want to dramatise, or kick off, publicly. But it infuriated me that both Harry and I were the only ones who knew what he had done.
"I'm gonna go get a coffee," I announced, suddenly, forcing a small smile onto my face as I captured the attention of the remainder of the group. I figured I should've extended the invite to the others, but I wasn't sure I could be very valuable company at that moment. Elin caught my eye again.
"I'll come with you," she said.
"Make it quick, guys - we can start boarding in ten minutes," Ally called out as we began to move away from the group, and I sent her a nod.
I could see him from his place across from Ally, looking at me again. I let our eyes lock, finally, and I immediately wished I hadn't. I could see her leaning into his side again, her fingers toying with the sleeve of his shirt as his attention had been drawn from her, but his eyes remained on me. I could've cursed myself for the heat I felt beginning to prickle at my skin simply from his eyes; the way I could feel every nerve in my body responding to him. He was magnetic; everything about him. And I hated it. I hated the way I could feel my chest thumping at the mere sight of him, even despite what he'd done, and how he'd treated me. He still looked like he was trying to figure out what I was thinking; like he was trying to read me, and I couldn't hide the glare spreading onto my face at him doing so. He didn't get to do that. I wouldn't let him.
My anger returned to cloud my thoughts as Elin joined me in heading towards the coffee shop. I tried so desperately to suppress it, but I couldn't help it. The fact that he could stand there, so nonchalantly, knowing full well what he had done, was driving me crazy. He could stand in a group of his friends, his colleagues, and I, without remorse or consequence - he could stand, side by side with this girl I could only assume he was an item with. It was infuriating.
I wondered if she knew already. Was that why she'd been watching me with such disillusionment, virtually from the second I'd arrived? God, that would've been even worse. I hadn't a clue who she was; the role she would be playing on this tour, or who exactly she was to Harry - but she was clearly somebody, and if she really did know, it made sense why she'd hate me. But how much did she know, if anything?
"Penny for your thoughts?" Elin's voice cut through the racing of my mind, and I realised we'd made it to the queue of the coffee shop without me saying a word to her. I bit my lip. I needed to get it together.
"Sorry," I told her, trying to lift my tone to a more bright one. "I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed." I wasn't lying - I was. But my relentless focus on Harry was somehow managing to take away from my feelings toward what I was actually doing - how important this was; how scary, and unfamiliar.
"I get that," she said, nodding her head with a sympathetic smile. "The UK leg we just did was my first time on tour, too. It's a lot to take in, even at this stage, before it's really begun."
Elin truly appeared to be a genuinely sweet person - I could gather that much, already. As they all had, she was making clear attempts to speak to me and include me, but she was going even further to try and understand and sympathise with me.
"Also," she added, nudging my arm, "nobody really likes Stella. I wouldn't worry about her and her evil looks." Stella. I could now match a name to her face.
"You saw that, too?" I asked, surprised. Perhaps it wasn't mere paranoia, and she actually had been looking at me in a certain way.
"Yeah," she laughed softly, "I don't think it's personal. I wouldn't stress. She's always looking to argue with one of us. Usually, it's Sarah - she's been here the longest. She tried to start on me when I first joined the band. I think it's just part of the initiation process, now," she joked, and I tried to laugh, too.
"Who actually is she? Is she part of the band, too?"
"No, thankfully," she shook her head, as we reached the front of the queue. "She's known Harry for years, though. They've worked together for ages- Oh," she stopped, realising it was our turn to order, and heading over to the cashier. Worked together? That didn't sound like romantically together, but her behaviour in unison with Harry's certainly told me differently - there was more, there had to be.
We ordered and collected our coffees without any further discussion of Stella, or Harry, and we headed back to join the group. I refused to look at him, this time - I figured it would benefit me not to. Not only was I hurt by him and his behaviour, and the fact that each time he lay eyes on me I risked becoming more captivated by the impact of his gaze, rather than what he had done, but I also needed to focus on this - on this moment; on the job I was here to do. I had taken the biggest step of my entire life thus far, just by being here - when I stepped onto that plane, everything would change. For me - for my younger self; for who I used to be, and for who they had tried to ruin.
We made it to the gate to board the plane with relative ease - Harry was stopped a few times by fans wanting to take pictures with him, looking for an interaction. I noticed how it was only then that Stella would peel away from Harry, joining Ally in standing to the side, and waiting patiently for him to talk to the fans surrounding him. Cameras surfaced, pictures being taken - it was like Stella understood to leave those to Harry, and Harry alone. I noticed how his face lit up when speaking to the fans around him - there were around a dozen people, each of them girls, who couldn't have been hugely younger than us. They were strangers to him, but he looked at them and listened to them all like he'd known them for his entire life. He nodded at their words, grasping their hands when they reached for his, returning smiles and exchanging tight hugs with each of them, some multiple times. With the way he'd behaved over the past couple of days, I might have deemed it performative, or fabricated, but the look in his eyes told me differently. My heart swelled at his expression - this was the most real I'd seen him be since the night I'd met him. His expressions were organic; they were real. It was like he knew how important it was to all of these young girls; how much they would treasure this interaction with him, and he certainly seemed to treasure it equally.
When Harry's security eventually had to put the interactions to an end, so that we could make our flight on time, I watched as he hugged them all, tightly, goodbye. He made sure that nobody was ignored, with each question answered, and statement responded to, before we departed. I almost wished I hadn't seen that - seeing him behave in such a humane, genuine manner made it a lot more difficult to resent the remainder of his actions. It was almost like his personality was split down the middle - the person who had just grinned so widely at the appearance of his adoring fans.. how could that be the same one who had spent the night with me, all whilst in a relationship with somebody else?
I knew I would need to speak to him at some point - I would have to, before I went insane. But at that moment, in our surroundings, I couldn't. I had to keep my composure for the sake of professionalism, and for the impression I needed to make on my new colleagues - I couldn't paint myself immediately as somebody prone to causing a scene or creating drama.
When we finally made it onto the plane, I was surprised when we made our way through the cabin I would typically, if I ever travelled, find myself in. We entered the 'economy' section, and as I trailed behind Ally and the others, I'd expected us to sit down in a prescribed row - but instead, we kept going, through the plane and into the 'business' section. I tried to keep my jaw even, preventing it from dropping in shock.
I tentatively took my seat, and I was silently thankful to find my own little private section to be positioned next to Pauli's. I took my seat, and we exchanged brief conversation - still friendly, still easy - but I couldn't help but feel slight relief as the flight geared for take-off, and he slipped his earphones into his ears. I, too, was yearning for a little quiet. I'd missed so much sleep the night before, with my anxiety to thank for that, and the exhaustion that came from the racing of my mind, and the difficulty I was having in figuring out Harry, Stella, and whatever the hell else, was proving extensive. Though I knew, really, that some time to myself meant that my mind would just continue to race with every little intricacy of the interactions I'd had so far today, and that I was yet to have.
I wanted the excitement to return to the pit of my stomach - though there had only been traces, before, shadowed by my prominent nerves and anxiety, I wanted to feel it. I wanted to be able to focus on the good, here - the opportunity; the chance; the significance of it. But my own negativity was preventing such.
We'd yet to take off, and so I quickly pulled my phone from my pocket, composing a text to Grace. If there was anybody who could reassure me; who could remind me of, deep down, why I was doing this; what I was doing this for, it was her.
'We're about to take off', was all I sent. I knew I needn't make her further aware of my reservations; she already knew them. Though she was unaware of what had transpired since dropping me off, notably the Stella situation, I figured I would wait until I had reached my destination to divulge the details.
'First day of the rest of your life. You deserve it. Go kill it!' Her response came quickly, bringing a smile to my face as I noted the ridiculous amount of emojis that followed. Her simple words held so much weight for me, and she knew that. I switched my phone into airplane mode, pressing 'play' on my music, and setting it into my pocket as I felt the plane begin to roll along the runway.
I think there was a part of me that, reluctantly and subconsciously, relished in the idea I'd had, that photography would never be attainable as a profession for me. It allowed me to place it on a pedestal, and detest my current situation without tainting photography as an entity. I wondered, if I'd been permitted to like and enjoy photography from a young age, maybe I'd have hated that too. Maybe it wasn't simply law - but what it represented for me, deep down. But with photography, as something unattainable and inaccessible - I could romanticise, and idealise what life might be like if things were different.
I figured that was the case for many who felt like I did, or even for those who didn't. We romanticise what we cannot have - it's impossible to tear the rose-tinted glasses from their position upon our noses, because we don't want to face that, perhaps, there isn't an out. Perhaps, life really is as miserable as what we continue to endure, and there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel. I think that was what I'd truly feared so much. Maybe that was why I'd battled every cell within my body, in order to accept this job - perhaps that was why it had felt like an exhaustive war with my own brain to even consider that, actually, this may be a good thing - the right thing. That this may be what I deserved.
I'd almost grown to expect defeat and disappointment. With the growing tension between Harry and me, somehow, that almost seemed more familiar than the rest of my situation. Turmoil, confusion, and disdain seemed to come much easier to me, than viewing the bigger picture of what I was about to embark upon. Perhaps, that was why I couldn't get him and his behaviour off my mind. That had to be why I could see the sharp definition of his face every time I closed my eyes; why I could still feel his hair beneath my fingertips, and the feel of his skin against my own. I could still taste his kiss on my lips, even with my refusal to lay eyes on him since before the flight had taken off the ground, he was occupying everything. I resented it.
After nervously chewing on my nails and tapping my fingers against my own knee for what felt like hours, I must have fallen asleep. I only woke up at the sensation of the wheels of the plane colliding with the ground, a startling reminder of my whereabouts. I locked eyes with Pauli, only a couple of feet away from me, who sent me an excited grin.
"Good sleep?" he asked, sincerely.
"Actually, yeah," I said, honestly, rubbing my eyes as I straightened my posture. In business class, I had more room than I probably had in my own bed at Uni - it wasn't hugely surprising to me that I'd managed to sleep for so long.
I peered around, exchanging a smile with Elin, whilst Mitch and Sarah were engrossed in conversation in their own corner. Ally still appeared to be asleep, whilst Stella tapped away on her phone, already. And Harry, sat cosily in his own seat, a hoodie pulled over him, now. He was gazing thoughtfully out of the window, his bottom lip pinched between his forefinger and thumb, lost in thoughts of his own. Part of me wished I could reach into his head and truly understand what he was thinking; what he was feeling. But I turned to face forward once more, glad he hadn't noticed my eyes on him.
The journey through the airport and to our hotel took another couple of hours, but I didn't mind. A comfortable aura filled the air, occasional chatter exchanged between us all, sparing Stella, who seemed to only interject if Harry opened his mouth, first. I was starting to feel far more at ease, thanks to the easy flow of conversation that didn't seem to cease.
I'd never been to Las Vegas - if it wasn't for this tour, I figured it was unlikely I ever would've been able to make it here. We'd be spending only two days, so I'd been told, for Harry to play his opening show the day after we arrived, and then we would head off, again, out of Vegas the day after.
This life was something I'd certainly have to grow accustomed to - landing in a city before jetting off to the next. It was so new; so foreign. But I was going to like it - I was determined to.
Even the air here felt different. There was something oddly nostalgic, but incredibly larger-than-life about this place. I could feel it in everything I laid eyes on. It seemed to encapsulate every thought; every emotion - all of my fears and reservations; they all seemed to evaporate. My surroundings almost appeared like props; like mere components in a movie - it was something like I'd never experienced before. I'd only seen glimpses of America on dramatised television, and in films - I'd never have dreamed that I'd ever get to see it first-hand.
The hotel was like nothing I'd ever laid eyes on - it extended beyond elegance and grandeur - it was almost royal. We'd arrived, split into two large cabs between the group of us, and Ally had informed us that the tour bus would be picking us up before we headed out of Vegas, and be our primary mode of transport from then on. I hadn't quite fathomed that could mean often sleeping, spending overnight journeys, and spending much of our time crammed tightly into one vehicle.
I was thankful to turn to my side and see Elin, Sarah, Mitch and Pauli appearing just as wide-eyed and bewildered as I was by the sight of the hotel we were due to inhabit for the coming days. It was a comforting reminder that they, too, weren't quite accustomed to this way of living, either, because it quite simply wasn't normal. Normal people didn't live this way. In fact, it was only Harry who didn't appear phased by the decadence surrounding us. I wondered if he was numb to it, by this stage of his life and his career.
Ally peered over us, almost appearing to do a head count before she marched over to the check-in desk, like a mother doing so on behalf of her children. It was almost funny, how endearing she was as a character. Mitch pressed a kiss to the side of Sarah's head before him and Pauli peeled off from us to join Harry and Stella, who stood conversing in the corner of the room. Stella only stood with them for a few moments, before walking over to join Ally at the desk. She was only there for a minute or two, before she took what I presumed was a room key from Ally, quickly returning to murmur something to Harry, before she disappeared into the elevator without a further word to any of us.
As I spoke to Elin and Sarah, I could see the three men, stood together, out of the corner of my eye. Harry looked up from his phone, leaning in to speak directly into Mitch's ear. Mitch then shook his head, before leaning back in to murmur something into Harry's own ear, now. I forced my eyes back onto Sarah as she spoke, but I could now feel a pair of eyes upon me, setting my skin on fire, and, immediately, I knew he was watching me. I kept my breathing even, attempting to fix my eyes on the two women in front of me.
"How about we go and get a drink tonight?" Sarah then suggested, earning a wide grin from Elin. "I know Mitch said that he and the other guys were planning on going for a drink somewhere. I don't think we're invited," she said, playfulness in her tone as she rolled her eyes.
"I'm in," Elin nodded, her grin sustained upon her lips, "we could meet back down here in a couple of hours.. take some time to unpack and settle in?" They both turned to me, extending the invite.
Truthfully, I was exhausted. Not only from the travelling, but my mind was wearing me out to the point where I was just tired of thinking so much. I couldn't get Harry and his behaviour off my mind, but I needed to. It wasn't even predominantly me that he owed anything to - if everything was truly as messy as I believed it to be, it would be Stella, to who he primarily owed his honesty. I couldn't mask my fury for much longer, but based on my prior interactions with Harry, it was unlikely that he'd give me any sort of satisfying answer, even if confronted.
I needed to be present, where I was. I was in America, with a new group of potential friends, who were inviting me for a drink with them. I couldn't continue to dwell on Harry and the difficulties there. I would've been stupid to let my head continue to get the better of me, and reject this night.
As I went to respond, Mitch appeared at Sarah's side, his arm winding around her. I felt my eyes dart to where he'd been standing before, but noticed both Harry and Pauli were no longer there.
"What are we talking about?" Mitch asked, as Sarah leaned into his touch.
"We were saying that if you guys are planning on heading out for a drink tonight, we'll do the same," she told him, and he caught my eye for a moment before turning back to her.
"Why don't we all go together? It's Vegas - we should do something big to celebrate our first night here," he suggested, turning to both me and Elin, now. Sarah raised an eyebrow, but her smile was wide.
I could feel my stomach doing flips at the idea of us all going out together - if that meant the band, and I, that would mean Harry and I. That was an equation I'd been hoping to avoid.
I knew that if we were out as a group, we wouldn't be spending time alone, anyway, but I still could feel a twinge of hesitation in my gut. I chewed on my lip. Be brave, Izzy.
"That sounds fun," I spoke up, my tone even, and earning another small smile from Mitch. I wondered if he ever smiled any wider.
Elin then nodded, "It'll be amazing. Let's meet back here in a little while."
And we did. I'd found my hotel room, and stepped inside, my emotions overcome with awe at the sight of it. I took a quick picture, sending it to Grace, knowing she would marvel at it in disbelief, just as I did. I set down my bags, and took the shower I'd been craving from the moment I'd stepped off the plane. I pushed all thoughts from my head as I applied my makeup and got myself redressed in an outfit far nicer than I'd subjected everyone to during our travels today.
It was then that my phone buzzed, and I'd expected it to be from Grace - but it was a notification informing me that I'd been added to a group chat, titled 'HSLOT'. I frowned, opening it up, and finding that Ally had added me to a chat with six others, in addition to us two. As I tried to decipher the phone numbers, she texted me with the name of each individual and their relative number - the others were Stella, Mitch, Pauli, Sarah, Elin... and Harry. I added each of them as contacts, leaving Harry until last. I hesitated, biting my lip in contemplation, before I sighed and went on with adding him into my contacts.
Only a moment or two later, my phone buzzed again, telling me that Sarah had added me to another group - this time, titled 'Tour Family!', causing a smile to break onto my face. This group only included her, Elin, Mitch, Pauli, and Harry. I couldn't believe the way they had made me feel so unbelievably welcome, and involved, so quickly.
A text then came through on the smaller chat, requesting us to meet up downstairs in the next twenty minutes. I finished getting ready, and grabbed my phone, my keys, and my purse and placed them into a small bag to take with me, before I headed downstairs.
Mitch and Sarah were already waiting in the lobby, their arms linked, and so I headed over to join them.
"Izzy, you look awesome," Sarah grinned ear-to-ear, which I returned. It was only now that I allowed myself to feel at least a little excited - I had to. I was in Las Vegas, experiencing it for the first, and perhaps the last, time, with a group of new friends, who wanted to go and have fun. I could have fun. I knew how to have fun, surely.
Elin surfaced from the elevator in a matter of moments, joined by Pauli, as they both roared with laughter at something the other had said, as they made their way over to us. I wasn't sure if Ally had been invited, I'd assumed she had - perhaps she'd declined. Stella, I was unsure on - I knew the others weren't her biggest fan, but if she was with Harry, it didn't seem plausible that he would go out with all of his friends without her.
It was almost fitting that, now, we were only waiting on him; the main event - the real, true attraction of the evening. And as if on cue, the elevator opened for a final time, revealing him.
Harry stepped out, and I felt my mouth turn dry. God, I hated how effortless it was for him. He was so gorgeous. I hated the hold he had on me, just by appearing in front of me and raising his hand to push it through his hair. His eyes met mine, and I had to focus intently on keeping my knees steady as he moved closer to join our group in the lobby. He wore another black button-up, as loose and transparent as it had been the night I'd met him, only seven days ago, and I caught myself wondering if it were the same one. I didn't dare let my eyes travel down to the remainder of his outfit, in fear I wouldn't be able to look away. I felt his stare linger on me, and I could smell his cologne as he came to halt only a metre or so away from me, beside Mitch. I bit my lip, remembering the scent of that very cologne upon the skin of his neck as I'd pressed my lips to it last week, and how those very buttons had felt as I'd slid them undone with my fingers. Was he doing this on purpose? How did he have such an intense effect on me, especially if it wasn't deliberate? After everything that had happened, and the position he'd put me in?
"Should we go?" Sarah's voice broke through the spiral of my own imagination, and I blinked harshly, looking to clear my own head. I knew he was still watching me, carefully, but I didn't dare to meet his eyes again.
His presence was enough for me. I was growing more and more frustrated with him, even though he'd yet to even speak a word in my direction today. I wasn't sure if that was adding to my frustration, or if really, I'd even be able to handle it if he chose to speak to me. I'd rather not find out.
If this was proving so difficult, I would simply have to keep my distance tonight - I was in Las Vegas, with a group who I could easily have fun with. I didn't need him on my mind. I didn't need Harry at all.
"I need a drink," I declared, though I hadn't really meant to do so out loud, but the group responded with a collective cheer as we headed for the exit of the hotel, clambering into the cab that waited for us outside. Harry walked behind me, but I continued beside Elin, avoiding any interaction with him.
"That makes two of us," I heard him murmur.