Amanda
*
My fingers drummed on the steering wheel while I watched the entrance from behind the windshield. The school had a large parking lot, half of which was infact empty, so it wouldn't be very hard for someone to spot me here. I didn't worry about staff or parents, they could think I was just another parent myself, but I worried she would recognize me in a heartbeat if she spotted me.
With that concern in mind, I pulled open the glove compartment and riffled through until I found what it was I was looking for: a crusty pair of sunglasses I hated and hardly ever wore around. Today though, it would be the star performer of the show and I slipped it on. I undid the zip of my bookbag on the passenger seat, got out a head tie and sleeked my hair into a ponytail. And then I sunk into my seat, wondering when the hell the school was going to let out.
I'd come here straight from lectures after they ended an hour ago, and have been listening to myself breathe in the confines of my air conditioned car since. My eyes went to the clock on the dash and slid back to the front doors. Any second now. I laid my head against the steering wheel and sighed. What am I doing? This is just plain weird. Weirder than all the other things I've ever done.
I turned on the radio and turned down the volume until the talkshow host was reduced to inaudible muffles. A little noise to fill the void.
I was unsure how long I stayed in that position, but when I lifted my head up the front yard was crowded with students in maroon and grey colored uniforms. Some of them got into sleek cars that drove off, while others waited around. It looked like a pretty posh private school. That explained why the security at the gate were extra scrutinizing of me. At least my car did the fitting in for my sake.
I kept my eyes at the entrance, at the faces in non uniformed clothes that went in and out, hoping I hadn't already missed her. And so I waited, alert, as the number of students and staff dwindled, for her familiar face.
And then I saw her, coming out the doors with an older man by her side. They were talking, and she had her back to me. She remained that way until they parted ways and she began a walk in my direction. I stared at her unabashedly, stuck in place at the sight of her golden brown hair and delicate features. I kept staring, until I realized she was getting closer and closer to my car and hers might just be the one closest to mine. I whipped my head away so fast I got whiplash, but focused on finding some nonexistent item in my bag for as long as it would take.
I pushed the radio off so I was better attuned to my surroundings, and felt a car roar to life. I allowed myself a moment to peep and saw her car drive out of the parking spot. As her vehicle got closer to the exit gates, I reversed my vehicle and- as crazy as it was- tailed her.
I didn't remember the way to her house anymore. It had been years, and New York was a freaky labyrinth of streets and apartments that tended to test your memory. The information I needed was all in her Facebook bio, and thank God she was one of those who still used that app or finding her would have been a lot trickier.
With a great deal of effort, I followed Tilly Emerson as she took turns and made stops in traffic. Her grey Toyota came to a stop at a fastfood joint, and I slid my car into a parking spot with a direct view of the entrance. She got out and went in. I took off my sunglasses and watched her join a table with a woman who got up and embraced her. They both got seated and I brought my head down on my steering wheel again.
What am I doing?
I harboured suspicions about her since I met Finn, especially as he didn't mention her to me. Our meeting at the wedding had been so overwhelming and blindsiding that it left little room for me to remember the letter that I'd left for him. His reaction to it- or rather, lack of, made me think he hadn't read it.
Watching her, seeing her live a fairly normal life was enough convincing for me. I drove back to my apartment with questions running through my head. Perhaps Finn had read it and choose to do nothing about it, but that was highly unlikely given how passionately he spoke about his mother. He would want to meet her, at least. He would want to make her a part of his life, or him, hers. There was no way he would choose to live so far away if she mattered so much.
I got out my phone on the elevator ride up and started a text to Elliot.
Me
4:43 p.m.
hey, Elliot. can we meet up? I've got something I really have to ask you.
My fingers hovered over the send button while I stepped out into my floor. I read the text over and over until the words started to make less sense.
What if he never gave the letter to Finn? I didn't want to entertain thoughts of that scenario, because if someone outside the family found out about it...
I halted my steps when I found my path blocked. I looked up from my phone and let out a tiny gasp when my eyes met with Finn's. He looked less surprised to see me, and it took me a second to realize he was standing right next to my door, like he'd been waiting for me.
I switched my phone off and put it away. "W-what are you doing here?"
His eyes stayed on mine, intensely scalding before they dropped down to my neck. Instinctively, my hand went up to the pendant I wore. Admittedly, I kept wearing it after the wedding. I didn't know why exactly I did so, I chose not to ponder on it, but I couldn't deny the sense of calm I felt with it on. Like I still lived in a timeline when everything was different.
He shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out an item. He held it up and my eyes went to the tiny chip.
"I found this the other night by your trash can and I want to know one thing: were you going to throw it away?"
I quickly reached for it, but he was faster and used his taller height to his advantage by holding it higher, away from my reach.
"Tell me," there was a demanding edge to his tone.
"You already know the answer, so what's the point?"
"I don't want to assume anything, because it doesn't add up. You're trying to erase memories of us, but then you still wear the necklace I gave you, so it's hard to make sense of it. You made the decision to leave all those years ago, to act like what we were wasn't important to you, but at Elliot's wedding you looked like you might actually feel... regret? That's something I'd also not like to assume, because it might all be in my head." His voice dropped when he added, "The look in your eyes right now might be in my head too."
There was a tight knot forming in my throat, making it near impossible to find my voice. "You were important to me, Finn."
He shook his head like he was trying to get my words away.
"Then why did you leave me?" Pain. There was nothing but pain in his voice. And his eyes. And in his stance, the way his shoulders hung in surrender. Like he was his wits' end. It made my heart ache.
"I wasn't left with a choice." I whispered softly.
He slightly tilted his head to the side, an expression on his face that said he would be needing a whole lot more than that from me.
"Choice? You made your choice, Amanda!"
My hands tightened into fists at my sides in an effort to put up a headstrong front when in truth, I felt like a flawed tower about to cave in on itself.
"Because you nearly died!" My voice rang out in a shrill tone. Finn looked taken aback by my outburst, but there was no turning back now. "Everything that happened, happened because of me! That bullet was targeted at me, but you sacrificed yourself for me. You once said that you didn't want me sucked into the ugliness of your family, and I had an idea what I was up against but I never envisioned it ending like that. Your stepmother didn't like me, you had a vengeful ex best friend who was out for me, and in the end you ended up getting sucked into the ugliness."
I halted to catch my breath, and found that the tears were already falling. Finn looked mortified at the sight of them. He looked so out of depth, but I needed to get it all out.
"I've never forgiven forgiven myself for it-the accident. Sometimes I think maybe if I had stayed away like they warned, you would be in a safer position. You did all the protecting that I failed to do the same for you that one time. Every moment I spent with you was undeniably the best moments of my life, Finn. But your safety and security mattered more than my happiness. When Elliot told me you had to leave, I was devastated, because it put me in a tough spot. I wanted to go with you, more than anything, but realized it was a greedy wish, to want you with all the odds stacked against us. I had no idea how long it would take you to heal, and I had my future to map out too." I exhaled aloud, wiping my face.
Someone exited the elevator and walked past us in the hallway. Neither of us broke eye contact, with Finn staring at me with an emotion I couldn't identify.
"On some days I think I made a horrible choice, on days like this, with you standing here and nothing but hate for me in your eyes-" my shoulders shook as a violent sob cut me off. In a flash Finn closed up the distance between us and pressed my head into his chest. The action was unexpected but I clung to the comfort I felt in his arms and bawled harder.
I brought my hands up around him in fear of drifting away. His scent was nostalgic, like a gentle reminder of what was, of less turbulent times, before the ripple effect of that night. I never wanted him to let go of me, and like he could read my thoughts, his hand came up to my head and firmly, but gently, held me to him.
The material of his clothing felt damp to my face, and I burned of embarrassment as I pulled away, leaving behind a patch of tears on his dark button up shirt.
"I-I'm sorry," I started.
"It's okay," he cut me off. "I don't want you thinking I hate you. I would hate to be the reason you're upset."
I waited for more he had to say, but that seemed to be it. I had just bared all to him, but what was I expecting back? Nothing, that was what. He owed me nothing. If anything, I was the one who owed him a proper explanation.
"Here," he held out the chip. I took it from him, our fingers slightly brushing during the exchange. "I didn't mean to take it, I was a little distracted that night."
I nodded. "Cleaning up my mess. Thank you for that. I haven't looked at alcohol the same way."
He nodded too. "That's good."
Ungraciously, I wiped my runny nose against my sleeve. "I thought you left New York."
"I did."
That was odd. Did he come all the way here... for this? But there was an even bigger question I needed to ask him.
"Why haven't you come back to the company, Finn?"
He stalled his answer for a minute. "I wasn't ready, but I think I am now. Take care, Amanda." And without warning he walked past me, headed for the elevator. My heart jumped.
"Wait!" I called out. He stopped and turned around. "The letter."
"What letter?"
"The one I told Elliot to give you."
"Oh, I remember. What about it?"
"Did you read it?"
"No."
My heart plummeted. It couldn't have ended somewhere else. "What, why?"
"I didn't want to read it. I wasn't interested in what you had to say." His words were like a knife through my chest. "Now we're here though, you can tell me what it read."
I stood hopelessly in front of my door, eyes pleading with him as they began to well again. "Why don't you go ahead and read it yourself?"
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"I burnt it." So bare, so blunt. Without a trickle of regret or remorse. If I told him I've kept his mother a secret for over two years, would his regard for me be even more tainted?
When it appeared I had nothing more to say, he turned away and got into the elevator.
*
a/n: this chapter took sooo long to write, partly because I was ill (I posted a message on my message board. yeah, that's something I do a lot now), partly because it was just a struggle. hopefully we're back on track for 2-3 updates a week.
the plot is officially kicking off I think :>
please click the star button if you enjoyed the chapter!