"Study first, play afterward." -Daniel D. Palmer
*Trigger warning in beginning of chapter*
Today is the day. The day I either embarrass myself or make a new friend. Really, it is just the day I study with Marco. Getting through classes is the hardest task when you are waiting for the clock to strike three. Seven hours of torture for me. Woo! Did you catch the sarcasm?
I go through my classes as the teachers drone on. When lunch comes around, I even take a nap to make it go by quicker. But nothing seems to make time move on faster. Class after class, break after break. I wait and wait and wait. I saw Marco in pre calculus, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to him. He makes me nervous.
*Briiiiingg*
Finally. Two fifty. Before anyone can even stand up, I am out of the classroom. I want to be punctual for Marco. I walk over to the library, nervous as can be. I turn around to the sound of a cheerful voice. Marco Ambrose. Dressed in a leather jacket with his school t-shirt, and jeans, he looks like an all American high schooler. But his messy blond hair and plump lips seem even more stirring today. Something inside me just wants to walk over to him and take him by the hand.
I need to snap out of it. We are friends. We are here to study.
"I already picked out a table so... Lets get started?"
"Uh yeah. just let me go grab my text book. I forgot it in my last block. You don't mind waiting here do you?" I hate being alone. It brings me back to my dark place. But he doesn't know that.
"How about I walk with you. I don't really like being alone. I'll be quiet though. You won't even hear a peep out of me if that's better."
He just gives a nod and starts walking out of the library. I scramble to keep up with him. We walk in silence for a couple of minutes, but it begins to be unbearable. Just in time to save the day, he speaks up. He must have also felt how uncomfortable the silence was.
"So. Why don't you want to be alone? If you don't mind me asking..."
That was a tough question. I don't know how to answer that to a stranger, but I try to be as honest as possible in these kinds of situations.
"Well, It is a long story."
"We have time."
So I start telling him my story. How my dad left me when I was little. How I was assaulted by my sister. The trip back home to Tennessee after my mom got out of the military and came back home to us. Then my struggles growing up with bullying and my growing anxiety. The multiple times we had to move. Guys taking advantage of me. My depression becoming more relevant. We walk through the school, me talking and him listening, only stopping to grab his book. I continue telling him about my recent bout of anxiety and depression and how it made me sick. Not only mentally but physically. It gave me hypertension and an eating disorder. It is hard for me to be honest about these things, but I haven't told anyone else here about my situation. We find ourselves back in the library when I get to the end of my story.
"And then, after vacation this past summer, I really started to hate myself. It's no big deal now, but I was really messed up. It was completely illogical. I began to think everyone hates me. Like no matter what I did I upset people and they would be better of without me. So one night I decided it was time for me to help them all out and I took a pack of cold medicine to end my life. I threw it all up so it didn't work so I'm fi-"
I stop my rant when I feel his arms suddenly go around me. He holds the surprise embrace for a long time, but it is comforting so I don't say anything. I didn't even know that I needed this.
"I am so sorry you felt that way. I know I'm not one with words, but I would have tried my best to make you feel wanted. I wish you realized how much of an impact you have on people."
I don't even question what he means, I just give him a warm smile. After sitting down at the table, I am ready to start studying.
"Let's review chapter one."
~~~
"Oh, so that's how that works! That makes so much more sense." I and Marco were almost done studying when someone slammed open the doors.
"Marco!? Are you in here?"
Is that Ellie? My question is answered as an angry-looking Ellie comes around the corner. Marco looks frightened.
"Babe, what are you doing here?"
"I was looking for you. You were supposed to be driving me home right now. Were you really here with some girl this whole time?!" She would have steam coming out of her ears if this were a cartoon. I don't understand what the big deal is.
"Yes. I told you about this ahead of time. I told you that I had to study with Isabelle today."
"No, you didn't. You left me in the dark this whole time. I've been waiting for you. What is your problem? You were fine this summer but all of a sudden this year you keep talking to her? Do you see how upsetting this is for me?" She starts crying, but something in me knows it is all for show.
"Oh stop it with the crocodile tears, Ellie. I know he would never keep something like this from you. Do you even see how hard he tries to keep you? How hard he tries to keep you happy? He does nothing but worry about you. This is ridiculous."
"Calm down Belle please,"
"No I will not calm down. She thinks she can come up in here and treat you like that. It is so upsetting. How can someone think it is okay to treat you like that?" Ellie just stares at me in disbelief while I lash out at her. I stand up to get more on her level. "You could have taken the bus once you saw that Marco wasn't there. Or you could have called someone to pick you up! Or walked home! It's not like you cared if he was okay, you were just worried about yourself. Don't pretend to care."
She just walks out. Like nothing happened. How can she just listen to me telling her the truth and she just walks away? I don't understand Ellie.
"I am so sorry to put you in that situation, Belle. That was crazy."
"Oh don't worry about it. Someone had to put her in her place."
We stay behind to finish our tutoring session.
~~~
"Thank you for today Marco." I am appreciative of Marco's help today. I don't think he realizes how special he made me feel. I was happy to stand up for him.
"You are very welcome."
"Oh, and I'm sorry for ranting about myself today. I talk a lot when I'm nervous."
"So you were nervous...?"
"Well yeah. Be-because I wanted you to think I'm smart. That's all."
"I get it, it's okay. I don't like being alone either."
~~~
After studying, my mom drives me home and I can tell she is dying to know what happened. I told her the other day that a boy would be tutoring me, and she has been creepy about it ever since. I don't want her to make it a bigger deal than it is, so I plan on downplaying the whole situation. I am not going to lie, just makes her calmer about everything.
"So, Belle, care to tell me about your afternoon?"
"No not in particular," I can see her face of irritation already, "I'm just joking. It was nice. I studied with this friend of mine and he helped me bring up my grade. That's all."
"Honey, I know you. That is not all."
"...Okay so there is this guy. His name is Marco. And before you get all excited, he has a girlfriend." I don't even bother telling her about how Ellie treats Marco. It is none of business. I will stand up for him but I am not going to tell my mom about it. Not yet. "I told him about my suicide attempt mom. And I wasn't as embarrassed or triggered. I was able to open up to a friend and it was nice mom. Now that is actually it."
"If only you knew how proud of you I am."
That is my favorite phrase that my mom uses. I love my mom. I try not to keep secrets. The only thing I hide from my mom are just how important certain situations are. Like today. But I will eventually tell her all about it. The only thing is I don't know how the conversation will go. I could be crying and heartbroken or happy and overjoyed. So I will wait to tell her the whole truth. I never did used to keep things from my mom. I would be completely honest with her. I also never would have stood up for my friends like that, but I guess this is just the new me. Not telling the whole truth nor keeping my head down in public. I don't know if I like the new me or hate her.
"I love you mom. I am starting to be proud of myself too. It has only been a couple months, but I am really working on my self. I only hope I don't go too far with it. I like how I am now."
"You can't be afraid of change, baby."
"I don't want to be afraid of change anymore, but I still am. I can't help it." Change was probably the most terrifying thing for me. Especially right now. I don't want me and Marcos friendship to change for the worse, wich means it can't ever change for the better either. I love the connection we have and I wouldn't change it for the world. I don't know how Marco feels because he isn't very open. I just hope he is happy with the way things are like I am. He has a girlfriend, so I doubt he would want anything more than this anyways.
~~~~~~
"Dear Journal,
This week has been amazing. A week full of studying and friends. I am very content with how things are. I love the people in my circle now. I was even thinking of inviting him to come sit with us at lunch. I don't know tho. Is it a bad idea? Ellie hasn't been at lunch in a while. I might do it I don't know.
I am finally catching up with my grades too. In Pre-calculus I finally have a 98 again. Like what the what. Go me. Well, go Marco really. He is all to blame for my new success. I am actually enjoying studying for once. I have never really liked studying because of how repetitive it is. You learn something in class, then you do the work, then you do homework, AND you want me to study. What is the point? But now I understand. With the help of a new friend, studying is easier than ever.
Thanksgiving is this thursday and then Christmas break is about a month or so away and I am so excited. We are putting up decorations for Christmas the weekend after thanksgiving. We do it every year. We take that weekend and made our own tradition out of it. We set up the tree and all our decorations while we listen to Christmas music and eat crack pretzels and Christmas tree cakes. Then we have thanksgiving leftovers and drink eggnog while we watch a Christmas and/or thanksgiving movie. It is one our favorite traditions.
Although I am excited for the holidays coming up, I have been getting worse. My self love do be lacking, journal. If only I could be a journal. I hate my body and food is hard. I tell my therapist and my mom that I'm okay, but I'm not. I want to be but it is so hard when even a little bit of food makes me gain weight. I don't know what to do anymore. I want help, but I also want to lose weight. I don't know how to balance it all.
Well I know that was a lot journal, but I needed to get it out. Thank you for listening.
Talk to you next time journal.
, Isabelle"
~~~~~~
I am worried about how attached to Marco I am. We have studied every other day for a week now. On one of those days, he even helped me apply for a job at Cato's. I loved being around him. He was right though, he doesn't talk much.
"That's nice."
"That's all? Just nice? I got the job! Be more excited for me, Marco!" I finally got a call back from the shop, and they asked me tote start in three days. I wouldn't have gotten the job without Marco, and that means so much to me. I was in the middle of sharing the news with Marco after studying.
"I am excited. This is big for you. If only you knew how proud I am of you." That is exactly what my mom says to me. He keeps saying things like that and it was nice, but it did bother me deep down. I don't want to take things the wrong way if he means them as a friend. I know if I told him that, I could mean it either way. I just try to avoid it all together.
"You should sit with me and my friends at lunch tomorrow. I've noticed Ellie has been skipping lunches here lately. We would be glad to have you around. Nate might take some getting used to, but it would be great Marco."
"I would love that. I never did say thank you the other day. Ya know, when you stood up for me against Ellie."
"It was no problem." I tried my best to hide my smile.
"No, really. I have been thinking about it and I want to be more open with you."
"Well I'm here whenever you want to talk."
"How about now since we are done with our work." He looks at me ever so patiently.
"I would love that. Tell me whatever you want and I will listen."