HONOR MAEVE
Being as the flight to New York was seven hours long, I was able to get some sleep.
I was surrounded by other individuals so my thoughts didn't feel secure enough to be said aloud in my mind.
Alec has been sweet enough to buy the tickets and luggage. We both never expected this to be how our time away in Vegas would end.
We left a comfortable amount of our belongings at the hotel. We knew we'd only be here for a couple of days then we'd love to attend back to our time away in Vegas.
It gets to me how much Alec adores Vegas, he seems to not want to leave.
Neither do I. I'd love to grow my child up in Vegas, it's a beautiful city with the atmosphere and attractions I would appreciate to offer them.
Regardless of how amazing it is, I left the mafia so long ago, and all my life's worth of cash has been wasted on my worthless father who is now dead.
I don't have anywhere I could grow my child up in. I don't even have a place myself.
I've been relying so much on Alec and Saverio that I now have nothing of my own.
I don't even know where to start.
I don't even have a job.
By the time we arrived back at the hotel in Vegas last night, I decided to read the messages from work I had received.
My manager had been calling to question my quick disappearance and unavailability.
Let's just say I don't have a job anymore.
It's one in the morning now, we've finally arrived in New York and it's looks similar in some aspects to Vegas, but completely different.
I've never been to New York. I've never been anywhere, I've always stayed in LA, so this lifestyle is completely new to me.
Completely exciting.
We finished getting our bags and checking passports, so now we're attempting to find a cab to take us to our hotel considering Alec left his in Vegas.
Alec found one, grabbing my attention as we walk towards it. The driver is very lovely to put our bags into the trunk.
We get inside, both of us side by side, legs almost touching, as the driver asks us for our destination.
Alec tells him the address, letting him lead the way. From what I can see, this is the type of place Saverio would stay, it makes more sense to me now.
I'm not sure this is my type of place, I love the constant attraction of music and party's. Yet also the desire for my child to be happy and have the ability to experience loads of things.
The only thing that would hurt is the inability to visit the beach.
That's my favourite place and to know my child wouldn't be able to go would be upsetting but a great experience for when they do go.
We arrive at our hotel, not as luxurious as the one in Vegas, but Alex is currently paying for both and the flight tickets.
We give thanks to the driver, giving him his cash and taking our bags into the lobby.
Alec grabs the key, taking me towards to the elevator. We stand still, silence filling the air. We haven't really spoken since last night on the mountain.
He looks over at me. His expression contains so much pain and hurt, it makes me want to fall into my knees and beg him to just take me back.
Only for the sake of our friendship. Deep down, I know this is what I'm supposed to do.
I turn to face the opening door, not taking a second to step outside.
Walking towards room twelve I can feel Alec's presence right behind me.
I pick up my paste, attempting to escape him.
He walks faster with me.
I turn around with no hesitation. I stare into his eyes ready to fight his words.
Ready to tell him that I need ducking space.
But I can't.
My body quickly intensifies. His pain was noticeable before but this is unbearable for him.
His whole body language shows it.
As much as I could dream to scream and shout at him, all my heart tells me to do is to hug him.
So I do.
With so much empathy and compassion.
I feel his tears in my hair, the wetness soaking into my heart.
Then it all comes to me.
Alec doesn't need to do anything for me.
He wants to protect me. He wants to ensure of my safety. He wants to make sure I'm happy and enjoying myself.
He's never needed to do something.
He chooses to out of pure love.
Nobody has ever cared for me in such a way.
Why am I only realising this now?
I've been so stressed and focused on what Saverio did to notice what he as right in front of me.
Who was right in front of me.
I walk slowly towards him, not looking back, not hesitating.
I've forced him away from me so much. Why do it anymore? It'll just make him walk away.
I place my hands gently onto both his cheeks, staring straight into the eyes that look hopeful.
I kiss him.
With so much love and passion. With so much respect for the love we contain that I never accepted.
He kisses me back, moving his hands into my hair.
I feel his tongue moves swiftly through my mouth. It's warm and wet.
He's been needing this for so damn long.
He isn't even trying to hide it.
He moves his hands down to my ass, lifting me up around his waist.
He opens the hotel room door, desperately needing more of me.
Patience gets in the way of this. He moves us to the closest wall. Slamming my back against its, keeping one hand on my back so he doesn't hurt me.
He moves it away from my back, keeping my legs wrapped around his hips.
He kisses me deeper now, with so much genuine love.
This. This right here, is exactly what love is.
I'm not sure how I'd tell him. I'm not sure I'm ready to.
But I damn right know that I never loved Saverio like this.
I loved the idea of him. I dreamt we would be perfect for each other.
Truth is... nobody is perfect for anyone. There will always be aspects were we hate them and dread to deal with them. But there definitely are the positives of the love they can carry.
That's why we say they're perfect. Because of their love.
Alec pulls away from my mouth. Moving his forehead to mine.
His breaths are deep and heavy.
His body weakens.
I breath in and out, moving his head away from mine. I look straight into his eyes.
Confusion fills me.
"Why'd you stop?" I question him quietly and slowly.
He keeps his eyes on mine.
God he's fucking hot!
He lowers his hands from my thighs, letting my legs fall down to the ground.
"I'll finish what I started when we've seen Saverio. I need to know you're truly happy with me and not distracting yourself from wanting Saverio" he says
He walks away, pulling his shirt off and throwing it to the side.
His words hurt, but he's telling the truth. I might be doing so with Alec.
But I really don't want to. I am happy with Alec.
He payed for two single beds.
Fuck!
Now I'm definitely separated from him.
I walk over to his shirt that's now led on the desk.
I pick it up, folding it.
Alec notices and grabs onto his shirt. He folds it himself.
I keep my hands up and empty. My eyes staring at him.
"When you're with me... I don't want to see that purse of yours". He says, pointing at my purse that's now on the floor outside.
"When you're with me... I cook. You're not that great"
I might have smiled at that.
"When you're with me... I do the job most men expect you to do... you're not a slave to men, Honor. No women are. You can help around with you're child. That's all you should be worrying about for now"
He places the now folded shirt on the desk, walking outside to grab the suitcase and my purse.
He walks back inside, throwing the purse in my hands.
I catch it, choosing where to put it.
He's the most important person in my life right now.
Thank you, Alec.
———————————
I didn't sleep much last night.
In fact, I didn't sleep at all.
Today's the day I break. Or I mend.
Today's the day I see the father of my child.
Today's the day I see the person who raped me.
Today's the day... that I see the first person I've ever laid my hands on for appreciation and love.
It's breaks me to know all the things that I could live with if I were to stay with Saverio.
I won't though.
I'm so consumed by Alec's love and care for me.
I've been collecting a few things in a small bag I'll carry, ready and prepared for today.
I don't know what's to come.
I've attempted to think of what could happen... but in all honesty, Saverio has a mind of his own, and he could say or do anything to me.
I understand why Alec is annoyed. I understand why Alec is frustrated, mad, upset.
But I also understand how much I could use his comfort.
Im about to see Saverio. The man who broke me into a million pieces.
I need Alec to stand by me. To catch me when I'm falling out of breaths from worry.
But I'll stand still, and let the storm pass by.
We leave the hotel room, shutting the door behind us and walking towards the elevator.
I fear the future.
I can't live without my heart. He might break all of it this time.
Once we're in the elevator, Alec gently grabs holds of my arm.
Our eyes lock together.
"You're scared, I know. I would be, too. But you're the most amazing, strongest, honest person I have ever met. So I don't just think you can do this, Honor... I know."
We keep eye contact. His hand falling off my arm.
I slowly nod my head, pursing my lips together.
The elevator door opens, someone awaiting for us to exit.
I step out first, Alec following behind me.
I can do this... right?
——————————
We're here.
I thought there would be a slight glimpse of excitement from me, but there's just... not.
I'm standing in front of this large building.
It's filled with penthouse from the bottom to the top.
This is definitely Saverio's type of place. I'm surprised he didn't stay here from the first place.
I have feel Alec from behind me. He stands there for a moment before placing one hand onto my back gently.
We both look at each other.
"You can do this" he whispers to me.
So much seriousness in his expression.
But so much comfort.
I nod my head.
I look back over at the building, taking my few steps towards the door.
Alec keeps his hand on my back, not once leaving me empty.
That one gesture fills me with comfort. I feel safe.
He's telling me how much he cares for me in just one simple movement.
We walk to the desk, Alec talking to the women I front of him.
She seems frightened by the name Saverio. I'm not too surprised.
She points to a direction then Alec begins walking with me.
He leads me the way, his hand still on my back.
We walk towards another elevator door. This time a full family inside.
We wait inside, Alec then having to remove his hand.
The family seem sweet. They have three kids and are all dressed beautifully.
I wonder if I could afford to do that for my child.
The elevator door opens again, Alec begins walking out and so I follow him out. We walk side by side, down a long corridor until we're met by a door.
I can tell it's a half silvered mirror glass door. Saverios seems to be a fan of those from his whole house back in the mountains of LA.
Alec grabs hold of my hand for reassurance that I'll be ok.
I purse my lips closed. Knocking the door with my other hand.
No answer.
I knock once more. And so again, there no answer.
So Letting go of his hand I open the door.
The rooms are huge but cold and empty.
There's glass everywhere, this time being clear both ways and all open.
There's a door that lays infringe of us. The only one in sight.
I and Alec both walk over to it. That's when I notice something on the ground.
It's a letter, that hold my name on the outside.
I pick it up, staring down at it, afraid to open it.
There's a large blood stain that goes all along the back.
My worry increases. I look back down at the floor. I notice more blood that flows below the door.
My head snaps back over at Alec. Concern flows through the both of us.
I open the door with my free hand. Letting Alec follow behind me.
I ever so slightly close it behind me. Keeping my eyes on the empty room. Nothing appears inside.
The room smells weird though. It's unfamiliar and unpleasant.
I turn to face Alec. But I'm faced with the most horrific thing.
Saverios body lays in the corner of the room.
A rope tied around his neck, and dried blood flowing all down his hands and legs, from his wrists.
His body looks cold, his skin is purple. His looks a mess and large eye bags lay under his eyes.
I attempt to speak, to scream, but am choked in tears.
My throat hurts. My mind goes dizzy.
I fall to my knees and hurt fills me.
Alec's concern grows. He turns around and pain fills him too.
He holds in his tears, but I can tell he wants to cry.
He has a lump in his throat and is blinking away the tears.
Standing there, attempting to calm me down, misery is written all over his face.
I'm filled with irremediable sorrow.
So is Alec.
My cry's turn into whimpers.
A great pang is gripping my heart.
I cry bitter tears.
I feel a sting of melancholy and confusion.
My heart is twisted and tears pool my eyes.
Alec's face contorted as though he's struggling not to cry.
The look in his eyes is desolate.
We both break.
Alec's grips his hands underneath my armpits, he helps up, my body weak and ready to collapse.
He walks with me outside the room, shutting the door behind him.
I drop to the ground, pain consuming me.
I tuck myself up into a ball, my back laying against the wall.
Alec brings out his phone, dealing a number.
"There's been a a suicide at Deslyne Penthouse Hotel, Room 12! Please. Hurry."
Alec throws his phone gently onto the floor, running over towards me and holding me in his arms.
I sob emotionally, feeling all the pain consume me.
I don't want to feel anything anymore.
I stand up, attempting to run towards the window, but Alec holds my arms, letting me fall into his body again.
Sounds of pain leave my mouth.
My vision is blurry from the tears that flow.
When we first met. I never thought that I'd fall, that I find myself this hurt.
I want to pretend that all this isn't true. That Saverio's not gone.
But I have to accept it.
So many people have died in my life.
All in the spam of a few months.
Father, then Matteo. Now Saverio.
I've lost mother as well.
The only person I have... is Alec.
I'm so alone. I don't want to feel like this. But I have to accept it.
I don't want to give my heart away. For the sake of having Saverio gone. But I did the moment I realised my love for Alec.
If Alec weren't here, I would now most likely join Saverio. But he is here, so I have to accept this.
This baby wouldn't even have the chance to live.
Suddenly, the front door slams open and doctors fill the room.
A few police officers make there way towards us, filleting ups with questions but my mind is mentally not in for them.
Neither is Alec's.
"Is there anything he may have left behind?" One officer ask us.
I look over at Alec, shaking my head no.
I move my hands around my stomach, feeling the letter.
I could never let them read the letter for me before I do.
This is meant for me.
Only me.
I deserve this.
I deserve at least one thing.
——————————
It's been a few hours. Both I and Alec haven't spoken in between that time.
We're both consumed but this overarching pain.
We begged the sheriff to allow us to leave. That the hurt was to much for us.
He let us off, driving us back to the hotel, but also asked if we could come by the station when we're ready to talk.
I won't.
I don't think I'll ever be ready.
Im now sat in the corner of my bed, right against a wall.
Alec is pacing the room, looking down at the ground.
He's tried multiple times to comfort me, but at this moment I just need space.
So now he's trying to distract himself, but I think him not comforting me is frustrating him.
I can tell this, as he's now walked out the room.
Now I really am alone.
I stare at the wall. Hurt filling me.
I've been unable to cry for an hour. Now the pain just consumes me and I physically can't cry.
I found I piece of glass earlier on the ground.
I picked up as decided to keep it.
Now I'm holding it in my hand, ready to slit my wrist.
But that's when my attention goes to the letter that's been led on my bed for two hours.
I stare down at it, contemplating on weather or not I should read it.
I place the glass down, grabbing the letter.
The letter that has my name handwritten from Saverio on the top.
I open it, seeing a long letter.
Then I read.
Dear Honor.
I know it's been a while since I've last said a word to you. I know that must have hurt you so damn much. That was never my intention. Truth is... I've felt the most alive since I met you, you made me want to be a better person. But growing up always being this awful human, it was almost impossible for me to become that person for you in such a short period of time. I tried so hard to do good for you, even if it meant getting a helping hand from Alec. I may not show it to him, but he's the best man I could have. He's not apart of the mafia but he's funny as hell, even when he decides to fuck his sister. Anyway, besides the point. I know you're hurt. I'm hurt for you. But for you to understand why I did what I did, you need to read what I say. It's the only way to find your peace, Honor. I love you... in so many ways. I just don't know how too. When I was younger, my father made friends with your father. He promised Marco that he would make his mafia more popular and threatening. Marco found that amusing and agreed with the procedures. You're father did as my father said. He killed multiple people. Tortured young children. Raped women. Soon after, my father left. Not succeeding in the promise he made for your father. Marco was mad. Furious. I was the only one he could punish. So one night, he called me. He threatened to kill you if I didn't come over. I had never met you before, I had heard of you from previous meetings of my father and yours, but to me... you were just another bitchy girl. I came over, just to watch him believe he could threaten me. But the moment I laid eyes on you in the floor, my heartbeat rose. You were gorgeous. Even if there were dried up tears on your face. When Marco told me you killed his guard, my face lit up. He fucking deserved it and you proved that to him. I was proud. I wasn't ever sure what it was, but to me there was something different about you. I didn't know what since I had only just seen you for the first time, but I knew there was something there. That's why I agreed to do anything in could to save your life, Honor. I wish I though of other ways to save you. I wish I never did what I did. But I did. I raped you. And I'm so sorry, Honor. I'm so so sorry. If I could go back to that day, I would have just killed your father straight away. But the truth is. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed raping you. I shouldn't admit this because it's fucking messed up, but it's true. That's why that part of me came out that night.
I had only drugged you after so that You didn't remember what had happened. But I still wanted to make sure you were ok, so I came to that bar you were at. You thought your father blocked your card, but I did. Being in the most powerful mafia, I have more access to things than you'd expect. I wanted you to be impressed by me. But I'm not sure how that worked out. You don't deserve this, Honor. You have never deserved what I have done to you. So I know you think I kept leaving you after we fucked. And yes I did. But I left because I was seeing someone. This older women who works for previous members of the mafia. She helps them with their mental health. I struggled a lot but that's why I went so much. Every time we fucked, memories of me raping you kept appearing. It's was awful for those memories to stair up in my mind, Honor. Awful. But I also didn't want you to find out from someone else, so I completely acted out and hurt your father and killed Matteo. I'm sorry. That's all I feel I can say. When I should be saying and doing so much damn more. But I just don't know what. So that's one of the many reasons why I did what I did. If you've sent me any messages over the past few weeks, I smashed my phone that night and had to get a new phone. I was scared of what you'd be sending me so I avoided that. But I swear to god that was the worst decision I have ever made. I'm so sorry. I have an older sister, that I'd love for you to meet. You need someone else in your life, Honor. Not just Alec. Although I've noticed the relationship you and Alec have. And that's ok. I'm happy for the both of you. You both deserve each other. Your both good for the other. So do me a favour and tell Alec to just get it over and done with. He deserves this. So do you. I love you, Honor. With every perfect and every imperfect parts. You have always been my favourite person. And I don't have favourites because I don't have any friends. I hope one day you can grow up a beautiful family. Not with me. But I'll be watching over you and seeing you grow as a person and as a family. You'll be an amazing mother one day, Honor. I love you.
- Saverio
And for the the next hour.
I cry.