Perrie POV
I ring the doorbell once, twice, three times - but no response. I see light shining and yet she doesn't deem it necessary to come to the door. I call her, but she won't answer. So I knock. Loudly and forcefully, punctuated by my angry voice:
"Jes, open the damn door, right now!"
But again, nothing.
"Jessica, I swear to God, you open this fucking door or I'll kick it down. I mean it!"
So still nothing comes, I knock for a whole minute until finally the door opens.
"Jesus, Perrie, what the hell. Get in here before the neighbours call the police," Jesy says quietly, but I just barge in, staying true to my loud speaking voice.
"What's your problem?", I immediately blurt out.
"I'm not interested in seeing you," she replies snappishly. "So you might as well leave, really."
"Yeah, I noticed that. Two weeks I haven't seen or heard from you," I reply shaking my head in dissapointment. "Why?"
"Isn't it obvious?" she pretends I should understand her behaviour on my own.
"Apparently not. I get that you're mad at me, probably at Jade too," which makes her gasp in disbelief, but I don't care. "Doesn't excuse not showing up for a whole two weeks when your friend and bandmate is in a coma, though."
"Oh, now it's about the fucking band all of a sudden?!" she asks, aghast, to which I completely lose my cool.
"You're fucking serious? It's ALWAYS about the fucking band!", I yell, distraught. "Jade and I broke up because of the band. We tried to get away from each other because of the band. Jade hid her fucking cancer because of the band...You think I wanted all that? I wanted to bring her home and nurse her back to health right away and cancel the stupid tour, but she resisted. BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING BAND!"
"In the process, she's forgotten all these years what OUR band has always been about," she just returns, unimpressed by my outburst.
"And that would be?"
"God damn honesty!" she yells now too. "You guys have been lying to us for months! MONTHS! And not only did it fucking hurt, it caused a huge rift. I don't trust you anymore and you have only yourselves to blame for that. Leigh-Anne is too much of a sweetheart to be honest, but I'm not. I've had enough!"
"She's sorry, okay? You can't imagine how much. She just couldn't say it and she's totally beating herself up for it now," I explain forcefully.
"She's a coward," Jesy counters without looking at me.
"Yeah, she was a coward. She's just fucking scared," I explain further.
"And you're a fucking liar," she continues, her eyes as dark as I've rarely seen them.
"I'm sorry, I really am! But what was I supposed to do? She was so stubborn and adamant about not telling anyone anything that there was nothing I could do! And I tried! I talked to her like an idiot so many times, begged her to be honest, at least with you guys. But she just couldn't. And I couldn't have gone behind her back, look what happened that one time? She broke up with me and then her heart literally stopped, for fuck's sake," I try to make her understand energetically.
"You should have told us. You would have owed us that," she remains stubborn.
"So what now? Are you going to be angry with us forever? Are you going to ignore us from now on and just pretend we're friends for the cameras?" I approach her energetically, seeking her eyes, but she avoids me and doesn't answer me, which only makes me angrier.
"Can't you at least be professional and come to the stupid meetings with the label? Jade wasn't there because she was unconscious. What's your excuse?"
"I wasn't there because it doesn't fucking matter. At least not to me," she says through clenched teeth.
"It affects you as much as it affects us!", I object.
"No, not anymore." I eye her for a moment, trying to make out anything from her facial expressions, but she continues to avoid me.
"What's that supposed to mean?", I enquire.
"Meaning I'm leaving the band," she then says with such an opaque expression that I can't assess how serious the whole thing is.
"Come again, please?" I can't hide the shock on my face and gape at her with widened eyes.
"You heard me right," she returns bitingly. "I'm leaving Little Mix."
"You can't do that," I say immediately.
"Watch me," she stands firm and a chill runs down my spine.
"And why is that? What fucking reasoning are you using to talk yourself into it?", I then want to know, still completely shocked.
"BECAUSE YOU LIED TO ME!" she now screams with tears suddenly flashing in her eyes.
"And that's not how it works in a band! Especially not in our band! I can't do it like this anymore!" I just shake my head, losing control of what I'm saying.
"Get off your high horse for once. I remember well when you were depressed and no matter how many times we asked, you always stubbornly said you were fine. Did you tell us beforehand that you were planning to kill yourself? I don't remember it like that!" Deep down, it pains me to throw those terrible, dark times of our past at her, but I'm so pissed off right now that I don't pay it any more attention.
"That was something else," she says quietly, but it sounds almost like a thread.
"Oh yeah? How so?"
"I didn't know I was in such a bad way myself, and never could I have guessed that I would ever try to take my own life. But Jade knew. She knew she had a terminal illness, that it affected all of us in some way too, and chose to shit on everything and not tell us. And you helped. Who even does that?" she cries as tears run down her cheeks. "I didn't break down in front of you. My heart didn't stop beating in front of you and I didn't send any of you back on stage to explain all that to the fans. Don't you ever compare that!"
"I'm sorry you had to go through that. I really am," I say sincerely. "But just throwing it all away isn't the answer, Jes."
"It is for me," she remains stubborn.
"Even though you're hurt, I know you love her. Otherwise you wouldn't react like this. And she needs you, she needs all of us. Little Mix and the three of us are her life, she loves every second with us. Taking that away from her would break her, Jes. And Leigh-Anne deserves it even less, by the way."
"Leigh's a big girl, she can handle it. And Jade brought this on herself," she says quietly and I just shake my head.
"Jes...", I say almost pleadingly and suddenly there she shocks me with a confession. "I can't watch her die."
I stare at her for a moment, stunned, as she avoids my hard gaze and tries to wipe the ever-flowing tears from her face.
"So...let me get this right. You want to leave the band so you don't have to watch Jade fighting cancer?" A small part of me still hopes I've misheard, but her silence lets me know better. I walk up to her, standing directly in front of her so I can look deep into her eyes, and put all my anger into that one sentence:
"That is the most selfish thing I have ever heard in my life."
She doesn't move, just stands there silently, avoiding my gaze, and I've finally had enough.
"At least have the balls to tell her and Leigh in person," I say before storming out of her house and slamming the door with vengeance.
"You look pissed," Leigh-Anne immediately looks at me as I walk back into the hospital room and carefully close the door so as not to wake Jade.
"Pissed is not even the word, trust me," I say, still full of anger. "Where's Norma?", I try to deflect.
"I sent her home," Leigh explains, but doesn't fall for my attempt at distraction. "Now tell me, what happened?"
About to burst with anger, I briefly check to make sure Jade is really asleep before quietly saying, "Long story short, Jesy's leaving Little Mix."
I stare at Leigh, expecting to see her face fall, expecting to see a similar anger to mine. But she just closes her eyes wearily and puts her hands to her temples.
"I knew something like this would happen," she mutters, and I can hardly believe what I'm hearing.
"You knew she was going to leave the band?!"
"Oh come on, you don't seriously believe that, do you?" she says incredulously, but when she sees my angry, stubborn face she explains, "I'm pretty sure there's no way Jesy's planning on leaving the band. She's hurt, Pez. Hurt and completely shocked by the whole situation and she can't handle it at all. God, I knew this would have an effect on her mental health, I should have tried harder..."
"You didn't see the look on her face, she's serious," I clarify and she eyes me for a moment before standing up, yawning briefly, shouldering her bag and then saying quietly, "I'll only believe that when I see it with my own eyes."
Narrator POV
The last few weeks have been traumatic for Jesy. Every night she sees Jade fall to the floor, sees the helpless look on her face as she can't breathe. Every night she hears Perrie's desperate cry for help, her hysterical sobs as she sits next to Jade. Every night she stands in front of the audience with Leigh-Anne by her side to say something, even though she doesn't know what to say at all in this situation. It wakes her up every night, makes her scream and cry and she can never go back to sleep.
On the outside she always appears confident and strong, but on the inside she is breaking apart. She knows very well that she must not forget her mental health, that she will always be susceptible to falling back into the hole she was in so deep back then. She wishes she were different. She wishes she were stronger and tougher that she was strong enough for it all. But in the last two weeks she has found out that she is not, that she is weak.
At first she was blinded by anger and couldn't see past the betrayal, was sure that no matter what happens to Jade, there is no way she will continue like this. Out of anger and disappointment she was sure she wanted out. But that vanished when she saw Jade lying in the hospital bed for a brief five minutes. How lifeless she looked, almost like a ghost, nothing left of her usual tanned, beautiful skin. At that moment she got afraid. She told Perrie she didn't want to disturb her any further and left her alone with Jade, even though Perrie begged her to stay. But Jesy knew if she stayed one minute longer she would not be able to keep it together. So she demurely left the room, closing the door behind her. And she ran. It was all downhill from there for her.
She ran out of the hospital, sealed off from the security guards, got into a taxi without saying a word to all the people who were here, and drove home. And there she stayed for the past two weeks.
She ordered food, otherwise she barricaded herself at home, safe and protected from all the problems that would be lurking outside. She met with no one, allowed no contact, not even from her boyfriend. She didn't answer calls or texts. She slipped into her familiar hole and stayed there. Only when Sam's calls on one particular day became too intrusive to ignore she answered. It was about a meeting with the label to discuss the future of the band.
"I can't be there, Sam. I just can't," she explained over the phone.
"You have to, there's no other option," the latter said, a little startled and at the same time concerned by Jesy's tone.
"Please believe me, I'm not in the condition right now. You'll have to do this one without me," Jesy persisted, which made her proud for some reason.
"Do I need to be worried?" Sam saw through her.
"No," Jesy lied. "Everything's fine, I just need some time to think about everything right now."
But nothing was fine. She fell deeper and deeper into a depressive phase, triggered by the trauma of Jade's cardiac arrest and by the fear of witnessing it happening again. She is not strong enough to stand by Jade's side should the unspeakable happen, she knows that very well. So she has to break away to save herself. It may be selfish, heartless and horrible, but it's the only way she sees.
So she hides from Sam that she will not attend the meeting because there is no future for her in the band. Because she has made the decision to leave the band to protect herself.
Sam suspected that something was up and decided to keep a closer eye on Jesy, to call her more often, to drive by if necessary. But then Jade woke up. And at that moment, Jade was the priority and she simply forgot about Jesy's possible problem.
Perrie remained as inactive in the group chat as Jesy, although she sat next to Jade day and night and could have given most of the updates. The main communication was through Norma, Karl or Leigh-Anne. When Jesy saw Perrie typing a text to the group, for the first time since the incident, she could hardly breathe with fear. What if it's this one text she's been dreading all this time? What if she said that Jade was now peacefully asleep and would never wake up again? She almost didn't dare go on the chat, but she couldn't ignore it either.
When she read that Jade had woken up, of course she rejoiced. She cried out in relief, cried tears of joy, but her decision remained final. She cannot go through this rollercoaster of emotions a second time.
Even when Perrie visited her, confronted her and clearly expressed how disappointed and angry she was, how little she understood this decision, how selfish and egotistical it was, Jesy remained firm. Even though she was a nervous frak and couldn't stop crying when Perrie slammed the door behind her, she decided to put an end to it all as soon as she could. A clean, quick cut, without bad blood, without much fuss. And for that, she had to go to the hospital, to Jade.
She drank herself through a fair amount of Jack Daniels, the courage she had lacked so far, to get this conversation she wanted so little to have over with.
Her legs barely wanted to carry her, but somehow she finally managed to stand outside Jade's hospital room. Every fibre of her body screamed against it, but her decision was made. After a few minutes of standing, breathing and almost panicking, she jerked away and finally opened the door, determined to address the issue quickly, to finally draw the line.
But when her gaze falls on the sleeping brunette in front of her, her breath gets struck in her throat. The plan is momentarily forgotten and she hardly dares to open her mouth.
The night has been hard for Perrie. Even though Leigh-Anne's words kept running through her head, she was convinced she must be wrong. After all, she saw Jesy right in front of her. She just knows she's serious, that she's going to leave the band. And Perrie is afraid of that, afraid of the consequences it will bring. Her first thought, of course, is Jade. How does she react to this? Does this shock news immediately put her back into a coma? Does it take away the will and strength to fight for her life that she so desperately needs right now? Was it a mistake, out of impulsiveness, to ask Jesy to come and tell her in person? Would it have been better not to tell Jade about it at all?
But then she also thought of herself, and of Leigh-Anne, her sister, who has been standing by her side bravely and reliably for weeks, who is always there, on whom she can always count. It's just not fair to anyone. Because, of course, the question then arises: What happens to Little Mix then? Can the three of them continue? Or at all, if Jade gets worse? Is that the end of the band? The end for everything they have worked and fought for all these years?
She can't and doesn't want to imagine it, but she does. All night she sits wide awake beside Jade's bed, going over every possible scenario. Jade, fortunately, doesn't notice, she sleeps peacefully and soundly, unaware of what will soon come crashing down on her, what will once again rock her world.
When Leigh comes into the room the next morning, on time as usual, she hands Perrie the much-needed coffee from Starbucks and places Jade's cup of tea on the table next to her.
"She's still asleep?" she asks, a little concerned, as she sits down as quietly as she can in the chair opposite Perrie. She had actually expected to see her awake, so she brought a drink for her as well. Now seeing her sleeping so soundly again reminds her of the last two weeks and scares her right back.
"Yes, but don't worry. Yesterday was quite tiring for her, so she's catching up on some sleep. The doctors said that was normal," Perrie explains before yawning loudly.
"I guess you've got some catching up on sleep to do as well," Leigh is quick to note the bags under her eyes and even paler skin.
"I've had a lot to think about," Perrie says curtly.
"I know what you mean," Leigh rubs her temples tiredly too and so they spend the next hour in silence as they try to escape the inevitable topic and silently drink their coffees.
The silence is broken by the cautious opening of the door, causing Perrie, who had almost dozed off, to wince briefly. At first she expects the doctor or a nurse to come and check on Jade. But when she sees her lost band member standing in the doorway, she is at first frozen before both unease and anger set in. This is probably the moment she didn't want to see coming. She is here to say it. No matter how many times she has thought about it. This is the end of Little Mix now.
Jesy stops as her gaze lingers on Jade. She can't take her eyes off her as tears immediately flash. She looks like a deer in headlights, not daring to go in any further, not daring to look at Perrie who glares at her darkly and wickedly.
And Perrie is so consumed by her anger, and Leigh-Anne is so tense by this awkward situation, that they both don't notice the person in the bed waking up.
Jade slowly opens her eyes, still quite groggy, and has to blink a few times to get her bearings when she sees Jesy standing in the doorway. Their eyes meet, Jesy's full of fear, Jade's full of remorse.
"Jesy," she croaks out in a sleepy voice and Perrie turns to her in surprise, but Jade's eyes remain fixed on the person in front of her who can't seem to get a sound out.
"Can you help me?" she asks meekly in Perrie's direction, who immediately understands, grabs her arm and carefully pulls her into an upright sitting position, while Jade continues to stare at Jesy, hoping for some kind of reaction. But nothing comes.
Once again overcome by guilt, the words simply spill out of Jade: "Jes, please forgive me. I am so sorry. I'm so so sorry that you had to see this, that I lied to you, that this all happened. I hate myself so much for it, I'm sure you hate me too. But please know..." And suddenly Jesy is able to pull herself out of her state of shock and she sprints towards Jade and silences her with a heartfelt but careful hug. Jade immediately reciprocates, signalling that it's okay to hug her tightly, whereupon Jesy hardens her grip and they both cry into each other's shoulders.
"I'm sorry it took so long to get here," Jesy stammers.
"You're here now," Jade whispers in relief, at which point Jesy breaks away from her, holding both her arms tightly and looking into hers with teary eyes. "I've come to tell you all that I will leave the band," she explains and Jade gapes at her, stunned, her breathing immediately quickening, as she wants to back away, but Jesy holds her too tightly. Perrie has jumped up to intervene immediately, at which point Jesy says, "But that was the stupidest idea I've ever had."
And while Leigh breathes a sigh of relief, Perrie doesn't understand a thing.
"God, I'm so sorry I ever thought that," Jesy says in a fluster, sitting down on Jade's bed. "I was just so pissed that you guys didn't say anything and then...I...I...you can't do that again, Jade. We all can't get through that again. You can't leave us."
And Jade looks at her for a moment before she says in a heavy voice, "I'm sick, Jes."
And that sentence has so much statement, so much power, that it sends them all into renewed bursts of tears. For she has sworn to be honest from now on. She cannot promise that it will never happen again, that she will beat cancer, that she will not...die. And they all know that.
"I know," Jesy sobs as this new reality hits her again too. "But you have to try. You have to try everything you can to beat this shit, and we'll stand by your side. All of us, I promise."
At that, Leigh and Perrie move closer too, joining the hug despite the difficult position, holding the others both close.
"Just no more lies, you have to promise me that. Both of you," Jesy says still insistently in Jade and Perrie's direction. "You're honest when you're not feeling well, when you need a break, when you need help. No matter what, you tell us, okay?"
"I promise," Jade says, deeply moved.
"Little Mix is forever, we'll always be together. All four of us," Leigh says, which makes them all nod and sob again as they hold each other tightly in their arms and vow to stay true to that.
And Jesy resolves never to allow such a selfish, cowardly thought again. She knows it would destroy her to watch Jade die. But it would kill her not to be by her side if it would happen, something she sadly only realised when she saw her. But now she is sure: She cannot abandon her, not now, no matter what has happened. So she just has to do everything she can to make sure they don't lose her.
By the time Sam comes over, Jade is very exhausted again. There have been some visitors today too, some presents and numerous bouquets of flowers and far too many conversations, so that Jade can hardly keep her eyes open when the door opens another time.
"Hi girls," Sam says, pausing when she sees Jesy sitting on the couch. She would have expected many things today, but not her presence.
"Jesy, good to see you," she greets her extra, unable to contain her surprise. The latter just smiles narrowly at her, obviously uncomfortable with the attention clinging to her.
"How are you, Jade?"
"A little tired, but okay so far," she replies with a smile, but doesn't lift her head from the pillow, signalling to Perrie that she's not just a little tired. She knows exactly why Sam is here and what she wants to talk about. But a glance at Jade suggests to her that today is not the best time.
"Sam, does it have to be now?" she tries to ask quietly, but immediately sees the sceptical look on her girlfriend's face.
"As sorry as I am, yes. The label needs a decision."
"Wait, what is it about?", Jade wants to know, visibly confused.
"The future of the band," Sam answers curtly and immediately fear is noticeable on Jade's face.
"First, of course, the rest of the tour dates in America were cancelled while you were in a coma, Jade. Yesterday would have been the last show, which means the American leg is now officially over. According to the original plan, we would now have a two-week break until the Global Awards, after which the European leg is supposed to start," she explains, and everyone gets anxious at the listing.
"The label is insisting that the European dates have to be done because the arenas have been rented and the tickets have been sold. Otherwise you violate your contracts and go into debt to sums I don't even want to say out loud."
"Of course we have to do the European dates. Bad enough we've already disappointed the American fans...thanks to me," Jade immediately says with conviction and the others cast worried glances at each other.
"Babe...you're not capable of sitting through a day on tour, let alone our show. I barely manage without being sick," Perrie gently points out to her and to her surprise, Jade doesn't immediately counter, quite the opposite. She pauses for a moment, considers for a moment, before sadly closing her eyes and saying softly, "You're right...I...I can't dance and perform for 90 minutes like nothing's wrong...but you can."
"You want us to tour without you?" asks Leigh, stunned. "That's absolutely not an option."
"It's our only option, Leigh," Jade says without looking at her. "It says in our contract that we will all fulfil the obligations we have agreed to, given we are healthy enough to be capable to do so. I'm afraid I'm no longer in good enough shape..." she stops short to swallow the lump in her throat. "You are, though. And you're not going to get yourselves into debt just because of me."
"I'm in no shape health-wise to go anywhere while you're alone and being treated for cancer," Perrie says immediately. "I'm not going anywhere without you."
"Perrie, think about it," Jade tries to talk at her, but Perrie remains stubborn.
"No, I won't. Let them sue us, I don't care. I'm sure the public is on our side. Let's just publicise how shitty they're acting in this situation."
"I don't think a war with the label is what we need right now," Sam interferes again.
"You're going on tour and that's the end of it. Maybe my mum can come to London or I'll move back to South Shields for the time being..." she suggests sadly.
"What if something is wrong, if something happens to you and I'm not there?" asks Perrie upset.
"Then we'll call you and if the schedule allows it, you'll come right away," Jade replies quietly, but Perrie just shakes her head, unable to believe that this could really be happening anytime soon.
"Is that really what you want? For the three of us to go on tour and for you to stay home alone?", Leigh-Anne huffs in disbelief, catching Jade off guard.
"I...I," she stutters.
"Be honest, Jade."
"It's not about me anymore!" she then declares in a fluster. "I've taken it way too far to allow myself to ask you for anything."
"Hey, no, stop," Jesy speaks up. "Yeah, lying sucked, but that's forgiven and forgotten now. It's all about you now, Jade. We're doing everything we can to make sure you're okay."
"We're doing what's best for the band and that includes this tour," Jade remains remarkably stubborn.
"With all due respect the best thing for the band would be the tour with all four members," Sam cautiously contradicts, which triggers the budding tears in Jade.
"But we can't do that," she reminds wistfully and sadly.
"Not the usual show, but maybe there's a solution," she throws into the room, earning three curious looks and one angry one.
"What's that supposed to mean?", Perrie immediately wants to know.
"Hear me out. We're doing the European tour as an acoustic version. We'll place four bar stools or something on stage in a row for you. And you just sit there, stand up occasionally, whatever you want, and you just sing your songs. Laid back, just one outfit, which changes every concert, mostly acoustic, sometimes maybe the original version, and you just show what amazing vocalists you are."
There is a moment of thoughtful silence as everyone mulls this suggestion over in their heads.
"That doesn't sound too bad," Leigh then thinks aloud.
"Yeah, but what about Jade?" asks Jesy cautiously.
"I can handle Acoustics," she says quickly.
"Are you being honest right now or are you saying what we want to hear?", Leigh queries sceptically.
"I'm being serious," she clarifies. "So far I've had good days and bad days in turns. The shows have completely exhausted me, but just sitting in a chair and singing, I can manage. And if not, I'll sit out a show if necessary, if that's an option."
"It has to be an option," Jesy says immediately.
"As I said, the contract says we're obliged to perform as long as we're in good health. If I don't feel well enough to go on stage, I'm not breaking a contract," Jade explains, impressing everyone with her ability to think so logically despite her obvious fatigue.
"I don't like it," Perrie says honestly. "You're sick, for God's sake. You should be at home, doing nothing but resting and getting treatment, and I should be next to you."
"But life isn't so easy, Pez. And the acoustic version of the tour still seems like the best solution," Jade remains stubborn, but that doesn't take away Perrie's sceptical look.
"But then you really need to be completely honest, always," Leigh clarifies.
"I promise you that," Jade says sincerely and everyone hopes she really means it.
"I have conditions," Perrie doesn't give up.
"Let's hear them," Sam prompts her.
"The tour doctor is with us 24/7 and he's taking a look at Jade every day and supporting her through chemo."
"Deal."
"We don't fly, we just take the bus. It's the most relaxing for everyone."
"It's a good idea for a European tour anyway."
"We don't spend one night on the bus, only in hotels. She needs a quiet, relaxing sleep."
"We'll have to adjust the schedule a bit, but I'm sure we can manage that."
"No promo, video shoot or any other spontaneous stuff during the tour. We'll go on stage, sing, and that's it."
"Nothing is planned so far."
"Then it stays that way. And EVERYONE listens to Jade and her needs. If she says no or she's not feeling well, we won't force her to do anything and take care of her."
"Absolutely, I'll make sure of that myself."
"Good," Perrie concludes, still not feeling comfortable with the whole thing.
"What about the dancers?" then Jade asks meekly, causing everyone to fall silent for a moment. All their dancers, who have been with them for years, who are an integral part of the family, would thus be out of a job for the time being.
"We take a break halfway through the concert, also so that Jade can rest for a while. And during the break, the dancers will do a big show to a medley of your dance songs," Sam suggests and everyone nods, partly impressed by her inventiveness.
"But won't the audience and fans be disappointed if they don't get the usual show they paid for, after all?" asks Jade then sadly.
"They'll be happy to see the four of you, no matter what," Sam is confident, but Jade shakes her head deep in thought.
"We have to tell them the truth so they can understand."
"Are you sure about this, babe?" asks Perrie surprised by the change of heart.
"Yes, I'm sure," Jade says with conviction. "In a way, our fans deserve the truth too."
"Then I'll discuss it all again with the label," Sam then says smiling with relief.
"One more thing," Jade stops her. "When this whole nightmare here is over, we're going to do a huge world tour with all the money the label has. Every continent, even if it takes a whole year. Two hour shows, lots of outfit changes, the dancers with us of course, awesome choreos, just everything we have to offer and more. We catch up on everything", which makes everyone laugh. What a beautiful dream this is.
"We'll do that," Sam assures her with tears in her eyes, but grinning, and everyone hopes that it really will come to it, that this nightmare will actually end with this dreamlike outcome at some point. But no one can be sure.
Against Jade's arguments and accompanied by her pouting, the girls decided to postpone the livestream until tomorrow. This time Perrie would not be spoken down.
"You've seen about a hundred people today and then the conversation with Sam. You can barely keep your eyes open. Do you really want to be on camera like that?"
But Jade just crosses her arms in front of her chest and pouts to herself.
"My goodness. For not even wanting to say it for ages, you can't wait now," Perrie shakes her head in disbelief.
"I just feel bad about the tour and at least with the truth we'll show our fans it wasn't on purpose."
"Everyone will know, won't they, that the incident on stage wasn't anyone's fault?" contradicts Leigh-Anne, but Jade just lowers her head sadly.
"The world of social media can be quite cruel..."
"I know that first-hand," Jesy interjects. "But in this situation, surely no one is such an ass as to ridicule a literal cardiac arrest or even blame you for it. And if they are, they're not people, they're just scum."
"But they don't know anything about the cardiac arrest, do they? Nothing has been confirmed from our side. So that means the people out there had no choice but to speculate. And after all the articles before about my relapse or my newfound drug addiction, it looks like a self-inflicted breakdown on both sides that led to the tour having to be partially cancelled. And I want to clear that up."
"We all understand that and we'll make it clear, just tomorrow when you're fit and rested and when Aaron and Adam are working their wonders on us. Because I definitely don't want to be in front of a camera like this," Perrie says with a laugh to lighten the mood, pointing at her face, which hasn't taken the stress of the last few weeks very well.
"And I don't think you'd like to go live in your hospital gown either, would you?" asks Jesy with a smirk, but they can't get Jade's pout out of her face.
"Well, we'll go home and let you sleep in peace then, Jadey," Leigh-Anne then announces and walks to the door, closely followed by Perrie and Jesy.
"Hey, where are you going?" asks Jade, almost panicking, in Perrie's direction, to which she abruptly turns around.
"I'm walking them to the door? Did you think I was going with them?"
"For a brief moment I did," Jade says, visibly relieved. "Hospitals are scary enough as it is."
"Aww, baby. Trust me, I'll never leave you anywhere," she clarifies, grinning in love, before giving Leigh a quick hug and then Jesy, who she whispers in her ear, "Good to have you back."
Having been dressed up by her team the next day in the evening and now feeling presentable, for the first time in weeks, it's time for the livestream, which Jade on one hand couldn't wait for, but on the other she dreaded it. For the past hour she has been deep in thought, introverted, trying to reassure herself with silence, which everyone notices.
"Jade, everything will be fine. Trust me," Jesy speaks well to her and with a tried on smile Jade merely nods.
"Are we actually allowed to do this here?", Leigh suddenly throws into the room, to which Perrie just laughingly replies, "We're fucking popstars, let them just try and kick us out in the middle of the livestream."
Just as they're all about to sit down, they realise for the first time that the logistics of their original seating plan aren't working out. The couch is just too short. It was decided that Jade should sit quite centrally, but at the same time on the edge so that the IVs are not in the frame. Without waiting for confirmation, Perrie immediately takes the seat next to her and there would only be room for a very small person next to her.
"Floor or back, Lee Lee?" asks Jesy, to which she earns an incredulous look.
"I'm not sitting on any floor." And everyone laughs at her endearing diva behavior.
They place themselves on the backrest above Jade and Perrie, with their feet towards their backs and place their hands on their shoulders.
"You guys ready?" asks Sam, about to let the livestream start, when Perrie holds her back. "Hold on a second."
Once more she turns to Jade, eyeing her protectively, well aware that this is the first real time she's left the bed, besides bathroom visits.
"Are you sitting okay? Are you comfortable?"
Jade can't help but smile. "Yeah, it's fine."
"And you're feeling good too? Fit for this?"
"I'm just really nervous," Jade is honest.
"And that's perfectly normal," Perrie notices how unaccustomedly jittery Jade is, how her hands are shaking and she desperately tries to suppress that by squeezing both hands tightly together. Without hesitating, Perrie grabs both hands with a hard grip and squeezes them tightly. "If anything's wrong, you let me know, okay? Pinch me or anything."
Jade just nods tensely.
"We're really doing this now," she says then, more to herself.
"And we're all here for you, all three of us," Perrie clarifies, looking deep into her eyes again to build her up, giving her another fleeting kiss on the cheek before they both look to Sam.
"Ready?" she asks with a smile.
"Ready," Jade confirms.
"Hi, we're Little Mix," they all say in unison before bursting out laughing.
"Why do we say that? That's our livestream, on our channel," Leigh asks the group, to which everyone shakes their heads in laughter.
"It's our ritual," Jesy counters.
"So sorry we're late again, but we wanted to stay in true Little Mix fashion," Perrie explains as Jade's eyes linger on the screen and she tries to read the first comments, which are all directed at her without exception.
OMG Jade is in
Jade is back
Jade, we love you. Get well soon
Jade looks so dangerously thin in the face, omg
Why did you guys cancel the tour?
Are you guys in a hospital?
Jade's not dead, best news of the year!
"Haha, no I'm not dead," Jade responds to a comment, to which the others also look at the screen.
"And yes, I'm back and very happy about it. Thanks for all the lovely get well wishes over the last few weeks!"
"We're also sorry that we haven't updated you all in a while and that you didn't know what was going on, but that's what this livestream is for, to clear things up a bit," Perrie begins, squeezing Jade's hand firmly. They both look at each other for a moment as Perrie asks with her eyes if Jade would like to say it herself, to which she just nods.
"As you know, I collapsed on stage the other day," Jade then says in a serious and heavy voice. "And I want to be completely honest with you, unfortunately it was not a simple collapse, it was in fact a cardiac arrest, as some have already suspected. I've read a few articles about myself recently, inspired by my apparent weight loss, I'm not gonna lie. And also by my rather weak performances at shows. I have read very often that I have relapsed and become anorexic again. I can assure you that is not the case. Also, I am not and never have been a drug addict. The truth, why I gave the impression that I was unwell, why I performed so unusually badly and why at this festival my heart literally failed is..." And here she has to falter for a moment. Up to here she has been able to speak like an absolute media professional, keeping her emotions in check, eyes fixed on the camera in front of her, but now she has to stop for a moment. Now is the moment to reveal this terrible secret. While the other three have been fighting tears since her first words, Jade's is only now on the verge of tears.
"God, why is this so hard," she says then as the first tear rolls down her cheek, whereupon Perrie puts her head on her shoulder and Leigh squeezes her from behind to give her strength. And it works. Convinced the tears are appropriate at this point and not a sign of weakness, she doesn't wipe them away, takes a deep breath and then continues speaking:
"The truth is that I have been diagnosed with cancer. I have leukaemia." Again she falters briefly to compose herself.
"It was just as much of a shock to me, believe me," she says as she reads the shocked comments from fans.
"I dealt with it very irrationally at first, unfortunately, and I blocked it out for a while. And I never wanted to let any of you or the girls down, so I really tried my hardest to pull the shows off, even during the beginning of the chemotherapy. But with the workload of our shows, which are already very exhausting as it is, I was less and less able to do that. And before the incident at the festival, I had a few bad days, which ultimately led to all this. But now I'm doing well for those circumstances, I feel good and fit and so full of love. I have my family with me, the team and my wonderful girls of course."
"We've had to cancel the rest of the tour dates in America because it just didn't feel right to be on stage with Jadey here in hospital," Leigh then explains. "We really hope you understand. Also, good luck getting one of us out of that room, we were literally glued to her."
"But I'm better now, thank goodness. And the good news is that the European leg of the tour isn't cancelled!", Jade then cheers. "It's just going to be a bit different to what you're used to seeing from us."
"That's right, to go a bit easy on Jade here, we're doing an acoustic version of our tour. Of course we are aware that you expect other things from us and probably want to see them, but we only want to perform as a four-piece and that's the only way we can do it at the moment, so we hope for your understanding," Jesy then explains with an almost admonishing look into the camera.
"Also, we want to be honest enough to explain that Jade is still being treated for cancer during this tour. So there may be shows where she is not at her best or may not be able to go on stage at all. Again, of course, we ask for your understanding. In general, we want to make sure that Jade can get as much rest and relaxation as possible, despite the tour, because we all want her to be well and healthy again very soon. So we ask you to respect that we will be rather less...outside on this tour. And we hope that you will respect certain boundaries, especially of Jade," she tries not to sound quite so overprotective.
"And when all this shit is over, we'll do a huge world tour and make up for EVERYTHING we have to miss out at the moment. That's what we promise you," Jade announces enthusiastically and the others join in with cheers.
"We love you guys. We're so happy and lucky to have you mixers and we can't wait to see your beautiful faces again soon!", Jesy says and they all fool around for a moment before they say goodbye to the fans and the livestream ends. And not a second goes by until everyone rushes to Jade and hugs her tightly while she croaks with tears of pure emotion: "I love you guys."
"And we love you and we can do this. Together," Leigh-Anne promises her.