"Do you think anyone's going to catch us?" I pant breathlessly as I break away from our kiss, peeking out the backseat window of River's car.
"Nuh-uh," he hums into the crook of my neck, and the vibration of his voice sends me spiraling. "The park is closed."
"Yeah, but what if the park ranger comes or something?"
Letting out a sigh, River lifts his head up to stare down at me, tucking a loose curl behind my ear. "You overthink too much, Hazel. There's nobody out here, but if you want to stop then I'll understand."
Despite his reassurance, I can tell that he's fighting the urge to tackle me right now. I see a vein popping out on the right side of his neck, his hard-on throbbing against my inner thigh through his sweatpants. It's not that I don't want this, because I do. I really do. I'm just in my head too much.
"Is this your first time?" I ask, even though I'm pretty sure I already know the answer.
He shakes his head. "No, but I know it's yours, and that's why if you want to stop then I'll be totally fine with it. I want you to have sex with me because you want to, not because you feel like you have to."
River is too perfect for his own good. I mean, seriously, I don't know how I got so lucky. There's nowhere else I'd rather be than in this car with him, especially after he just said what he did, so if the park ranger catches us in a car with fogged-up windows then so be it.
Grabbing onto his chin, I bring his lips to mine once more. His hands find their familiar way to my hair, his body crouched awkwardly over mine from being so tall. He made sure to push the seats all the way up, but it still wasn't enough legroom for him.
I can almost hear the sigh of relief when he realizes I don't want to stop, and as if that was the green light he needed, he tugs at the sweatshirt of his that's surrounding my body so that I can lean up to take it off. I hadn't worn a bra with my dress, so I'm completely naked from the waist up in front of him. When he saw me like this before, we were in the dark, and now I feel so... exposed.
The last glimmering remnants from the sun are streaking through the fogged-up windows, and as soon as I go to cover up, River shakes his head and grabs my hand. "Don't," he whispers. "You're beautiful."
It's sickening how much I trust him. Anything he says, I would believe because I love him that much, so suddenly, I don't feel self-conscious anymore. I'm smiling as he props himself up onto one elbow, using his other hand to pull the band of his sweatpants down on me ever so slightly.
He kisses across the skin now revealed to him, his eyes staring into mine as he does it. I'm squirming with anticipation, my eyes closed when he runs his tongue along the spot he just kissed. I want him to do exactly what he did the night we watched that movie, when his head was between my thighs, giving me the best orgasm I've ever had.
Oh god, I really want it.
My eyes pop open, blazing with fury as he runs his tongue on my stomach, placing sloppy kisses all over the place. When he sees the expression on my face, he smirks. "Hm?" he mutters, even though he knows exactly what I'm lusting for.
"Please," I beg, my breath shaking as I try to calm myself down.
"Where do you want me?" he teases, his lips slightly lower. I swear I'll go into cardiac arrest from how fast my heart beats. "Here?" He kisses even lower, but it's still not where I want him.
I shake my head, unable to speak anymore from how damn sexy he looks. His full lips are wet and glistening from all the kisses, and his curls are astray from the hike, but he looks hot, all disheveled.
Finally, he pulls my sweatpants down, leaving me in my underwear. I watch as he scans me from head to toe, those brown eyes growing darker with every inch they pass over. "God," he groans and reaches down onto the floor to grab a condom out of the plastic bag he brought, "I don't even need to get you ready." And then he touches the wet spot on my panties, my back arching already just from the feel of his fingers. I want him so badly that it hurts.
He pulls his sweatpants and briefs down to hang around his knees, then reaches behind his neck to take his t-shirt off. My face has got to be red from seeing his naked body for the first time. Although he isn't built, he still has abs peeking behind his stomach, and as my eyes draw lower... yep, my face is definitely red.
He smiles knowingly. "You okay?"
I nod. "You're just...hot. Really hot."
He fumbles with the condom to get it on, the smile never faltering from his face when he finally settles back on top of me and asks, "Are you sure?"
"More than sure."
Dipping his head down to kiss me, all the nerves I thought I would feel never come. With River, I always seem comfortable; right now, I'm not worried about what will happen. It'll be incredible because this moment is being shared with him.
I feel his hand come between our bodies, and then there's pressure between my legs. His eyes scan mine as he tries to search for a reaction, and then he moves forward, and holy hell.
My entire life, I was petrified of this moment. I thought it would hurt, but it doesn't in the slightest. Plus, even if I felt any pain, I don't think I'd pay attention to it. River's face has me completely distracted.
He's not fully inside me yet, but he's biting on his lip, and his eyes are closed like he's trying to focus. After another ten seconds, he pushes fully into me, a hiss escaping his mouth.
"Holy hell," he moans, and my stomach turns to jello. "I really don't want to finish quickly but fuck. Are you okay?"
"Mhm. Please don't stop."
Relaxing his body on mine, his lips are right by my ear, and I can hear his panting and labored breathing as he moves again, this time at a rhythmic pace. I moan uncontrollably, and then he mutters a cuss word, each thrust feeling better than the last.
Minutes ago, I was freezing, but now our bodies are sweating against each other. I'm clutching onto his back while he lifts my leg to move in deeper, and when I don't think my body can take much more pleasure, he moves his hand between our bodies again and presses against my most sensitive spot, a chortled scream coming out in response.
I shouldn't have done that because River mutters another cuss word and stills inside me, resting his forehead against my shoulder in disappointment. "I'm so sorry," he says after thirty seconds. "It's just been a while for me, and you felt and sounded so damn good."
"It's okay. It was my first time, so I wasn't expecting to finish."
He flashes me that famous devilish grin of his. "Oh, I fully intend on having you finish, Hazel."
Finally, he gives me what I've wanted this entire night, his head between my thighs. I don't even know how long he's been doing it or how many times I've finished because it's been multiple, but when my eyes open up again, it's pitch black outside, the windows to his car so fogged up we can't see out of them.
"I love you, Hazel Winter," River pants heavily as he pulls his briefs and sweatpants back on. I follow suit and do the same, grabbing the other sweatpants hanging over the driver's seat to slide them on. "In case I forgot to mention that earlier."
"I love you too, River. Tonight has been the best night of my life."
His eyes light up. "Same here. I guess feeling scared and taking a risk has benefits, huh?"
He's right, as always, but he doesn't need me to say it. I know he can tell I agree with him just from looking at my face, which comforts me. He knows me better than anyone, so it reaffirms my decision to lose my virginity in the back of his car.
Not that I was concerned about it, to begin with. I've never been the type to fantasize about how it'd happen. I thought it'd never happen, so, despite others who might look down on the way I lost my virginity, to me, it was a nice surprise.
"Are you okay?" River scans my eyes, and I hold back an eye roll.
"Yes, I'm okay."
"Hey," he says, throwing his hands up in defeat."I know you're not sentimental, but I just needed to ask to clear my consciousness of being a total dick, alright?"
I watch him step out of the car to get into the driver's seat, and I climb over the console into the passenger. He starts it up, and while we wait for the windshield wipers to get rid of the foggy windows, I reach into my clutch from earlier to pull out my phone. It's eleven, way past curfew, and I have ten missed calls from my mother.
Just like that, all the blood seems to drain from my body.
"Hazel?" River puts the car in park again when he sees the look on my face. "What happened?"
"We... Uh, we need to go," I mutter. "My mom tried calling ten times. Why didn't I hear it?"
In my head, I'm cursing myself about a thousand different ways as I press my mom's contact to try and reach her. It's going straight to voicemail, and when I pull my phone back to inspect it, I realize I've got no service. That explains why I didn't hear her calling me.
Fuck.
I try calling another five times, and when I'm still unable to get through, River tries to grab my hand, but I take it back. "We need to go," I tell him. "I don't have service, and oh my god. We're still an hour away, right?"
"Hazel, it's okay. We'll leave right now. I'm sure she's fine."
"How the hell would you know, River? You saw what happened the first time she called. She doesn't call me like that unless it's an emergency. We never should have come here. We shouldn't have stayed out so late."
He steps harder on the gas pedal as we speed down the bumpy road, dozens and dozens of pine trees racing on either side of us.
What if we don't get there in time? What if it's already too late? How could I have been so stupid to think I could have a night of freedom? I shouldn't have left. I should have stayed.
"You're right," River apologizes and leans over to put a hand on my knee. "I shouldn't have said that. I'll make sure to drive as fast as possible."
Why does his response anger me even more? I'm being a total bitch to him, and he's just taking it. He's always just sat there and taken it. He's too good to me, and it terrifies the living hell out of me. I just admitted that I loved him and just had sex with him, and look what happened? Again, I'm having a panic attack because my mom is probably hurt or needs to go to the hospital for the millionth time. How can I handle a relationship right now with all of this going on?
I can't. Fuck, I can't. I jumped into this too soon. I dove right off the fucking cliff when I should have walked down it. I should have paced myself. Now I'm going to hurt him too, and that's the last thing I ever wanted.
"River, I can't do this," I blurt out without thinking.
His eyes are focused on the road from going fast as he replies, "She's going to be fine, Hazel. Don't assume the worst."
"Not with my mom, River, with us. I-I went too fast, okay? This is too much. We shouldn't have come here, and I shouldn't have led you on and said I was ready when I wasn't. This was a mistake. A huge and terrible mistake."
The silence surrounding the car after I let out a large breath is deafening. It's filling up every inch of space, and the air becomes so thick that I'm finding it hard to breathe. My ribs feel like they're caving together, and an ache spreads across my chest that's impossible to ignore.
What is happening to me?
"A mistake," he repeats slowly, trying to ensure he heard me correctly. "So, admitting you loved me was a mistake? Having sex with me was a mistake?"
I open my mouth to say something, but he continues.
"This is what you always do, Hazel. You push every good thing away that's ever happened in your life. I get that you're worried about your mom and are scared right now, but don't take it out on us."
"You're going to get hurt, River!" I explode, flailing my arms up in frustration. "When are you going to get that? We're both fucking trainwrecks. I don't want to be another person to add to the list of people that have abandoned you. While you might be ready for this, I'm not."
"Isn't that on me to decide whether or not I'm willing to risk the chance of getting hurt, though?" he counters. "We may both be train wrecks, but we're saving each other, and that's what you don't get. The tracks we're on have always been headed straight for a cliff--that's the only path our trains were destined for, but we hit each other head-on, and now we're on a different route. A safer route. A route that's better. Why would you want to fuck that up because of fear?"
The ache is spreading like wildfire, and it's so intense that I grip the side of the passenger side door to try and stabilize myself. I hate fighting with him. This feels wrong. My head is filled with so many doubts that I can't even think straight. I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between right and wrong in this situation if it were to hit me in the face.
"You know what?" River laughs, and then his voice catches at the end as I watch him wipe away a tear falling onto his cheek. "If you need to end things, then do it, Hazel. What do I know? Clearly, you know what's best for you. If you want to handle this pain by yourself, fine. I get it. I've been there."
God, I want to scream. I want to ask him why he's not being the bad guy. Why isn't he yelling? Why isn't he giving me a thousand reasons to make this easy? Instead, he's being understanding, and I'm just so...
Angry.
I'm fucking angry.
Great. Let me cross another feeling off the list that River just had to make up, didn't he?
"Can you drive?" I ask.
"Oh, so you're going to ignore everything I just said?" He cocks his head to the side and glances at me in disbelief. "You're playing that game now? Real mature, Hazel."
I'm so mad I can hardly stand it, and the worst part is I'm mad at no one but myself. I know I just fucked everything up, and I can do nothing about it.
Even with the silence, I can still read his mind. I can see him rethinking every single thing that's been spoken between us in the last five minutes. It's in how his jaw sets and moves side to side, his cheekbones evident. It makes me feel like complete shit.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I continue to ignore him and look out at the pine trees in more deafening silence.
***
When River pulls into his driveway, I don't give him a goodbye. We didn't speak the rest of the ride here, and I have bigger things on my mind aside from him right now.
I thought I'd be fine running inside the house, but I find myself pausing on the stoop step swallowing a huge lump in my throat. I hate thinking this way, but what if she's dead? What if I walk into this house and her body is stiff and cold?
No matter how much I think I'm unable to prepare myself for it mentally, I know that it's an emergency, so I push forward and open the door anyways, bracing myself for what I'm about to see.
The television is gently humming in the background, and the lights are still on. I nearly have a heart attack when my mom gasps from her chair, her hand flying to her mouth. "Where on earth have you been?" She shrieks. "I said ten, Hazel! That wasn't an option! Jesus, I thought you were dead!"
My mom is...fine.
She's here, and she's breathing, and the only real emergency was that I stayed out too late, and for whatever reason, that makes me even madder. Now I'm fuming.
"Why would you call me ten times?" I ask, and even I can tell my voice has risen an octave. I'm pissed. "I didn't have service at Raven Rock. I thought something happened to you. I thought you were dead!"
"Honey, I'm fine," she soothes, and when she sees how riled up I am, her expression fades from anger to concern. "It's all okay. I'm sorry I scared you, but-"
"It's not okay!" I erupt, beginning to pace back and forth on the hardwood floors. "It's not okay because I just ended things with River for nothing. God, I'm an idiot!"
I know it wasn't for nothing, but it feels like it right now. I'm sure as time goes on, I'll know it was the right decision, but at the moment, it feels like a gaping hole in my chest.
"What happened?" She asks. "Sweetie, why don't you come sit down? You look pale."
I shake my head. "I... can't. I'm sorry I stayed out longer than usual, Mom, I am, but I need to be alone, and hearing that I'm grounded is just going to make it worse. Can you save the yelling for tomorrow, please? I've had a terrible night."
Her stare lingers on mine, and thankfully she gives in, waving her hand for me to go upstairs. I'm sure I'll hear an earful tomorrow, but I'm grateful she's allowing me to skip it, at least for tonight.
Once in my room, I drop the plastic bag holding my dress, clutch, and heels onto the bed and run my hands over my face in frustration. I shouldn't have ended things, I know that now, but this proves to me more than anything that I'm not ready for this.
River is such a good, genuine guy. He doesn't need someone that flips on him because of one stressful situation. I'm a mess, and what he said about our paths isn't true. If he wants to get metaphorical, our trains were never on the same tracks. I fucking jumped the rails and made us go in the same direction. He didn't have a choice. I sucked him into trying to help me, creating this feeling checklist, and although it was working, he shouldn't have had to do it in the first place. I should be able to get there on my own.
How am I supposed to do that, though? River made it so easy. It didn't feel like an effort to open up and show emotions. He brought them out of me. Now I'm back to square one: a self-deprecating brooding bitch.
Opening my clutch, I grab the napkin with the feeling checklist and steal a pen off my desk, slashing a red line through angry. Then I chuck the napkin into my nightstand drawer and close it, wishing it would disappear forever.
A/N:
Ahhhhhhh :(
What are your thoughts after this chapter?
Do you understand why Hazel chose what she did?
Please comment & vote!! The continuous love on this story is truly amazing. I can't thank you all enough <3 we're almost at 15,000 reads!!
Twitter: believeeexoxo
Instagram: deannafaison_
Tiktok: authordeannafaison