entry #13
"toki! lets go to the snack shop!" smiling, she nodded and stood up. the other only stared and watched her leave. she was making it more open that she was friends with these twins and it made it easier to live. linking arms with the girl comfortably making her smile. "lets hope the good snacks are still there." she nodded as they walked down the hall. talking about whatever they wanted.
it didn't need to make sense for it to be fun. friendships make you realize how important these memories are. watching the girl leave, he ran his fingers through the side of his hand. tangling in with his hair.
he felt like shit, he wanted compassion. and the girl was friends with hwang yeji and hwang hyunjin of all people. of anyone she could've picked, she picked the worst sneaky foxes. they were a walking hazard sign. you basically wanted to be within 3 meters of them. seeing the lee boy slip over, he barely had the energy to speak. "how's it going with mrs. na dude? are you alright." basically letting his head fall onto his desk, his face came in contact with the coolness of it.
"jeno, i think i love toki."
"what?" he knew that was going to be the reaction. he was a fool, he was the biggest fool in the entire world. he was a walking joke. people were just too scared to laugh. "but, the whole,"
"i know, i fucking know jeno. it's like it's taunting me and it's driving me fucking insane." running his hand through his hair, this was more of a pain in the ass than usual.
"well you gotta fucking let her know before she drops you first. i thought it was apart of your master plan. go fucking tell her stupid na boy." hitting the boy on the head, he winced and scowled. he couldn't really do that, he was scared. he was scared that she would turn him away again. his stupid failure to communicate was his fault.
it was always his fault. why was it always his fault? what did he do to deserve this? he didn't mean to be so fucking stupid. he was beating himself up over his own stupidity. if he had just been smarter. if he had just been a little bit better, would things have been better.
had he just realized that this stupid bet was worthless, maybe. maybe. seeing the girl come back, she happily sat and continued to act like he wasn't present. "toki, can we talk..?" he muttered, not expecting her to even turn towards him at all. looking over, she had a blank and judgmental expression, did she really even care at this point.
"what, can't you just say it here?" picking at his nails, the lee boy looked sympathetically. "i think you should hear him out toki," he smiled with sympathy. it was the least he could do when he realized the boy was being serious. staring at the lee boy with a skeptical look, she stood up, cuing the two of them to stand up.
walking out, she noticed how eagerly the boy was following her. what's up with this dude? whatever, she couldn't care too much. she was too tired to care at this point anymore. this wasn't really her first priority.
ending up at the end of the hallway, there were no classes or students that would need to be this far down this hallway so she knew it'd be good enough for the boy to talk. crossing her arms, she turned on her heel and looked him up and down. the lee boy stood at a distance to make sure no one came down that way to the two of them.
"what. what is so important na jaemin." her words fell easily off her tongue that it was almost uncanny. "toki. i'm sorry that i couldn't tell you." he didn't even let himself explain anything. he felt sick to the stomach. he practically lunged and pulled her into an embrace, catching the girl off guard and tense. it felt so weird to be held, especially by this bastard. yet she felt herself crumble in his embrace.
he felt his emotions and his self hatred cut through, tears slipping as silent sobs. god he felt like shit, he was the worst type of people and he couldn't even find the strength to tell her the words he longed to say. his grave mistakes that could lead to his doom. yet he stood here hugging her like he deserved to be near her. what a fucking fool he was.
"i don't.. want your forgiveness. i just want to hold you even if it's my last with you as your partner." his words were rash and held no true intentions. he didn't want anything in return. he just wanted to know that she wasn't going to slip away from his grasp all of a sudden. even if it meant she rejected him right after this. her breath hitched, realizing how his sobs were reality, his sorrow was real.
it wasn't some type of show, na jaemin, a fool, would never be able to force tears so easily. "jamie.." freezing up to the damned nickname, he felt her slightly push him off from the tight embrace. "you're crying." her hands brushed against his face and held it gently, he didn't deserve this treatment. not one bit, not one bit did he deserve it.
pulling his face down, she lightly pecked at his lips. "you came here to talk. tell me, why have you been such a dick?" her words made the corners of his lips quirk up. "my mom, she, controls every aspect of my life when she comes home. she expects me to come home early and everything which mentally drains me a lot. i get really, really, tired just thinking about it. and the exhaustion causes me to struggle a lot more. especially with talking because i can barely even talk without getting sick." his words were stammers and hard to make out fully.
it made his stomach sick even talking about the damned woman for too long. it was hard to continue to act like he was okay. "you're a stupid idiot for not knowing you were playing with my feelings. why didn't you make jeno tell it for you." she rolled her eyes, hitting him lightly in the chest. he couldn't really tell her could he. just a few lies and a little bit of nonsense.
"i'm sorry." that's all he could do, apologize and apologize. he didn't know why he even was so obsessed in the first place. he liked the idea of her, he actually liked everything she had to offer. he knew he was making a grave mistake by continuing this shit. he could've easily just let it go and deal with it. he was so stupid for the things he was doing. and he felt no remorse in it.
"come on jamie. you're weird when you're sappy." pulling down his face, she left a kiss as if nothing had happened between them. as if it was all just a silly little joke. as if she wasn't pained. as if she didn't lose interest. as if he wasn't on the brink of losing it all. he had to act like he was okay. in reality, he was about to give into his nasty drinking habits and fall into the hands of greed and gluttony.
interlocking their hands, she dragged him along back to the lee boy. "well it seems like you two have made up." he snorted, seeing his childhood friend look a lot brighter and happier with every step he took. "oh cry me a river jeje." she muttered, punching him in the shoulder as hard as she could muster with her left hand.
i don't know why, i don't why i gave in. he did so much pain to me yet i accepted him back in. it's funny. it seemed like he was surprised as well. maybe, maybe a little bit inside of me hoped that he'd come running back, or even telling me that it was a misunderstanding. deep inside of me, i was hoping that it would happen. i really did wish for it to happen.
maybe i was a fool to hope for it, so i continued to believe it. i continued to believe that i would be able to live peacefully with myself if i knew that it wasn't my fault. that i didn't do anything wrong. maybe a part of me was searching for that bit of reassurance. and i gave in like nothing had ever happened.
maybe we were in love, maybe we were happy. maybe i was apart of a ploy. maybe i was making him apart of my ploy. yet we continued like nothing happened. my friendship with those damned hwang twins only became stronger. they both became too preoccupied with the real world. running their own twin business together. separate business ideas that match well together. thats why the hwang business was so successful in the first place.
it's hard to try to keep in contact with those two when half of the time they're trying to work a deal through every conversation. i wish i could be on the level they were, but not everything meshes together just because you know a thing or two.
the future now is so much more different than that hell of the school year. to think that so many damn people are owning businesses now, changing korea, and hell, even a few idols sprinkled in. and yet you could call me straight average. i have nothing going on for me because i never jumped like everyone else in the deep end.
i was just too scared to jump, yet here i am, reminiscing on my worst school years and the worst to date. nothing beats the absolute shit show that hell was.
what even is na jaemin up to. hell if i knew. i don't know what i'd do if i ever met him again. all our relationship was with each other was a relationship holding on by a thread. it was more likely for an actual thread to snap compared to what ours was surviving on. it was like holding a lighter above it but it just wouldn't break apart.
maybe if it were any other type of thread, would i have been able to move on. because it feels like that thread has now taken over my life. not his, not both of ours either. we both have never had to encounter such a hell into our future. not like i had any plans of contacting him.
being associated with the na boy was already enough to throw my future for a loop. a curveball that went a little too far. something that took my life off its path and slowed down the process. maybe i would've enjoyed life by now if i wasn't still so hooked onto that past. maybe that's why i'm even writing this retelling of my past.
maybe it's why i find it harder to talk about the more i push back into it. a haunting hell that lives apart of me. while others could move on, i latched on because of it. the trauma it subconsciously inflicted that haunts my life now. fuck na jaemin. for making me feel so much like shit every waking hour. for making me feel less of a person. like my soul was detached from my body.
i feel like an unfortunate soul, yet it was my own inflicted misfortune. i'm thinking too negatively on this. the future has no part in the past. it's just more of me rambling to get my thoughts through. i think too much when i try to retell anything. a guilty habit that gets in the way of this story.
i'm gonna be honest. i don't even know how i've even managed to get through this many entries without losing my mind. i'm in the constant reminder of the shit i pulled with na jaemin and the shit he pulled with me. stupid, so so stupid. i was so foolish back then. but, fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. and it was always my fault. shame on me.
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entry #13 completed
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posted; 8/9/22