Kabanata 35: Forget About Me
The whole room was quiet-or awkard rather.
Ouie and I were just observing the Doctor finish his check up on Sunshine. Kinabitan siya ng dextrose para bumalik ang lakas niya at sa ngayon ay hinihintay nalang namin ang paggising niya.
"Ngayon yung alis mo diba?" I looked towards Ouie who's face turned a bit darker for this moment. "Pwede ka ng umalis dito. Ako na ang bahalang magpaliwanag kapag nagising siya."
"Ouie..."
"Go... Please just go bago ka pa nila maabutan."
Ouie never met my eyes which gave me the idea that he is really mad at me. I can't blame him because I never talked to them after that incident and told them that I was leaving.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." I slowly stood up from my seat as I stare at Sunshine again, memorizing every bit of her angelic face. "Please take care of her for me."
"I've been taking care of her since day one. I'll be taking care of her even if its not for your sake."
Ouie finally lifted his head and gave me no sign of emotion nor expression on his face.
"A coward and an immature person who can't open his heart for pain don't deserve somebody like her. Funny but these words came from you, an immature guy himself." Ouie raised one of his eyebrows.
How ironic. Yun ang sinabi ko sa kanya ng suntukin ko siya after what she acted in front of Sunshine. But now, ako naman dapat ang kailangang sampalin ng sarili kong mga salita.
I'm also a coward and an immature person.
"Kaya naman wag na wag ka ng babalik pa dito kung duwag at immature ka pa rin after years. Or its better if wag ka na talagang babalik. Dahil baka ako naman ang makapatay ng tao kapag sinaktan mo nanaman si Sunshine."
Mabigat ang dibdib ko habang naglalakad ako papalabas ng ospital. Ouie's words still plays on my mind like a broken record and I don't know how I could stop it or have it on pause.
"Hanson!"
Napahinto ako sa paglalakad ng makita ko sina Happy, Gracie at Greggy who were fastly approaching me. Happy has a concerned look on her face while Greggy looks really pissed off.
"I'm sorry guys-"
"GREGGY! WAG-!
My head almost hit the ground when I received a hard blow on my face from Greggy's fist. Para akong nablangko ng makitang aambahan niya ulit ako ng suntok but Happy shoved her body between us to stop Greggy.
"GREGGY! ANO BA?! Kumalma ka nga!"
"Pano ako kakalma, Happy?! Ang lakas ng loob ng lalaking yan magpakita dito!" Greggy tried to get closer to me again but Happy pushed him from me before helping me up.
"HAPPY!"
"TUMIGIL KA NA GREGORIO CONSUELO JR. KUNG AYAW MONG TADYAKAN KO YANG BAYAG MO! NASA OSPITAL TAYO, MAHIYA KA NAMANG BAKLA KA!"
Greggy calmed down after taking a look around us. Nakuha namin ang atensyon ng mga nurses, patients and even the security guards was about to approach us kung hindi lang sila nilapitan ni Happy para magsabi ng sorry.
Happy came back to us while she was frowning. She grabbed my arm and Greggy's arm before pulling us outside the hospital.
"Ano ba Happy? Ang higpit ng pagkakahawak mo sa akin!"
"Manahimik ka diyan Gregorio! Makakatikim ka talaga ng tadyak sa akin mamaya."
Happy finally stopped pulling us when we reached open part of the hospital outdoors. Binitawan niya ako pero hindi niya binitawan si Greggy na napapangiwi na dahil sa sakit ng pagkakahawak ni Happy sa braso niya.
"Hindi mo pa rin ba naiintindihan kung bakit gagawin to ni Hanson? Para to sa kapakanan nilang dalawa! Parehas lang nilang sasaktan ang sarili nila kapag pipiliin ni Hanson na magstay sa tabi niya." Happy pulled Greggy closer to her and touched his shoulders.
"Isipin mo nga, kung ikaw ang nasa posisyon ni Hanson at napatay ng Tatay mo ang Nanay ko, hindi ka ba paulit-ulit na maguguilty? Hindi mo ba pipiliing lumayo sa akin?"
Greggy dodged Happy's stares before clearing his throat.
"Siyempre, maguguilty ako pero hindi ako lalayo hangga't hindi mo ako binibigyan ng sign para lumayo sayo." Lumingon sa akin si Greggy and had one of his eyebrows raised.
"Ikaw Hanson, sana naman maintindihan mo kung bakit kita sinuntok. Hindi mo naman kailangang maguilty kasi hindi ka binibigyan ni Sunshine ng sign para lumayo. Ilang araw ka naming kinontact! Hinanap ka rjn namin para pumunta sa kanya at manatili sa tabi niya pero nagpakaduwag ka kahit na labas ka sa kasalanang ginawa ng Tatay mo."
"I know Greggy. I know." I gave them a half smile. "Hindi ko kailangang maguilty pero kapag kayo naman ang tunay na nalagay sa pwesto ko, wala na kayong ibang maiisip kundi magpakalayo nalang."
"Talaga bang yan lang ang sagot? Magpakalayo ng hindi man lang nagpapaalam sa taong iiwanan mo?" Tumawa si Greggy.
"Ilang araw ng hindi makatulog at makakain halos si Sunshine. Isang importanteng tao pa lang ang nawawala sa kanya niyan, huh? Pero pano kung mawawala ka pa ngayon sa kanya? Tingin mo ba kakayanin niya?!" Greggy took a step closer but Happy held both of his arms on his back.
"Wag mo naman sanang dagdagan muna ang dinadala niya ngayon, Hanson. Masyado ng mabigat para sa kanya ang lahat kaya kung pwede lang, wag ka munang umalis." Greggy removed Happy's hands from him before turning his back from me.
"Pero kung yan na talaga ang tingin mong sagot, magpaalam ka man lang sa kanya. Bigyan mo ng matinong closure ang relationship niyo at ipaintindi mo sa kanya ang dahilan kung bakit kailangan mong lumayo."
Greggy finally walked away leaving me with Happy who gave out a heavy sigh.
"Pasensya ka na sa ginawa ni Greggy, Hanson. Akala ko naman kasi hindi niya talaga magagawang suntukin ka." Napailing si Happy.
"It's okay Happy. Kailangan ko din naman yung suntok niya." Happy gave me a pat on my back before smiling.
"Alam kong hindi na magbabago ang desisyon mong umalis kaya naman wala na akong balak pigilan ka. Pero Hanson, gusto ko lang sabihin sayo na tama si Greggy. Magpaalam ka muna kay Sunshine bago ka umalis. Maiintindihan ka niya at mas kakayanin niyang maging matatag basta't malalaman niya lang ang tunay mong dahilan."
I stared at Happy for seconds while trying to send her signals that my words cannot express. Napabuntong hininga tuloy ulit siya after getting my message bago napacross arms.
"Okay. Choice mo yan. Mahirap nga naman kasi talagang magpaalam." Ngumiti ulit siya before giving me a salute. "Ingat ka nalang sa Canada, Hanson. Wag mo kaming kakalimutan ha?"
"I won't ever forget all of you, Happy." Happy pulled me in for a hug before we parted ways. "Please take care of her."
Pumunta na ako sa parking lot and saw Kuya Kiko leaning on the car while staring at the floor. Huminto ako at binilang ang pagbuntong hininga niya before his eyes caught mine.
He is also greatly affected with my plans of going to Canada emotionally. Napalapit na kasi si Kuya sa akin since he became my driver when I was still in elementary. Hindi man siya nagsasabi pero alam kong mamimiss niya ako, the same goes with me.
Hindi naman siya mawawalan ng trabaho dahil kinausap naman na siya ni Mama and said that he'll be a company driver for our publishing house. But I also talked to Lolo about another plan for Kuya Kiko and I am now going to tell him about it.
"Hello Kuya Kiko."
"Ay Sir Hanson. Nandiyan ka na pala. Ano bang nangyari kay Sunshine at napasugod kayo sa ospital?" I gave him a faint smile before we entered the car.
"She was barely eating and getting enough sleep, Kuya. That's the reason why she collapsed before we could talk at the cemetery." Napabuntong hininga ako. "Hindi ko na nagawang makapagpaalam sa kanya, Kuya."
Natahimik si Kuya Kiko. I think he was finding the words that could comfort me best at this moment.
"Siguro may dahilan ang Diyos kung bakit hindi mo nagawang makapagpaalam sa kanya." Kuya Kiko looked at me through the mirror. "Ipagdasal mo nalang na maganda ang kalalabasan ng mga pangyayari para sa inyong dalawa, Sir."
I nodded before looking outside the window. I received tons of text messages from King, Queenie, and Duke but I chose not to give them replies. Itinago ko nalang tuloy ang cellphone sa bag ko before my attention was shifted to the brown envelope.
"Kuya Kiko..."
"Ano po yun Sir?"
I asked him to stop the car on the corner and took it as an opportunity to hand him the envelope. He gave me so much wonder on his face but he still accepted it from my hands.
"Sweldo ko ba to Sir?"
"No, that's your passport and your ticket."
Ilang segundo akong tinitigan ni Mang Kiko. He was trying to absorb what I've said but he was clearly having a hard time decoding my message. Hindi ko na tuloy mapigilang tumawa habang pinagmamasdan siya.
"Passport? Kailan naman ako nagpagawa ng passport? Bakit ako magpapapassport? At anong ticket? Bakit naman ako may ticket? Para saan? Para kailan-?"
Hindi na halos maubusan ng itatanong si Kuya Kiko that's why I decide to cut him off. Nagmamadali niya nalang binuksan ang folder and I got the reaction that I need when he looked breathless and about to cry after seeing its contents.
"Naalala mo ba nung nagpapicture ako sa studio? I asked you to take a photo also as my keepsake pero gagamitin naman talaga yun para sa passport mo. Sinamahan mo din ako sa office and I made you believe that those papers you signed were for other purposes. " Natawa ulit ako ng mas lalong lumakas ang paghagulgol niya.
"Akala ko nga magegets mo katagalan Kuya but you never mentioned anything after that."
"Alam niyo namang mahina ako sa mga ganyan Sir eh. Atsaka hindi naman talaga ako nag-expect na maiisip niyo pa rin ako sa kabila ng mga problema niyo."
Kuya wiped his tears away before letting out a heavy sigh.
"Pero ano namang gagawin ko sa Canada, Sir? Hindi pa naman ako magaling mag-English. Baka mahirapan ako dun."
"You will still be my driver in Canada, Kuya Kiko. Pwede ka ring magdrive sa company ni Lolo kung gusto mo na may extra kang kita." I gave him a meaningful smile as I start wiggling my eyebrows. "Pero ang pinakamagandang gagawin mo sa Canada ay maghanap ng mapapangasawa mo Kuya Kiko."
Kuya Kiko did a funny expression before he gave me a pat on my head. He said that it was a silly thought but I had a feeling that he'll finally find the woman that he'll spend his entire lifetime in Canada.
His flight is set after a month. Kailangan niya pa kasing kumuha ng US Visa from the US Embassy. At siyempre, I'm considerate enough to give him time to spend with his family. That will also be enough time for him to pack all the things that he need.
Sa ngayon ay ako na muna ang mauuna papuntang Canada.
Dumaan na muna kami sa bahay ni Kuya to get my luggages and other belongings. Nagmuni-muni muna ako sandali sa kwarto ko and let all the four sides of it be stored on my memory. Tinawag naman ni Kuya Kiko muli ang atensyon ko that made me rush down the stairs.
"Gusto mo na talaga akong umalis Kuya-?" I was smiling when I reached the most bottom part of the stairs but it slowly vanished when I saw Mama who was about to cry again. "Mama..."
"Hanson, anak ko..."
Kung nagulat ako sa pagdating ni Mama, mas nagulat pa ako when a little boy moved forward from her back. He was also welling up with tears and the view gave me so much pain.
"Poli..."
"Kuya Hanson..."
Both of them ran closer to me in unison and clung onto me like they're afraid of me to go. I was in pain for the seconds that they begged me not to go but just like what I did before, I shut my doors for the possibility of widthrawing to my final decision.
"I'm sorry Mama, I'm sorry Poli. The two of you are very important to me but I can't go on with my life here. Mas masasaktan lang ako if I decided to stay. At masasaktan ko lang kayo if I continue being miserable like the past days."
Mama slowly loosened her hug at me before falling on her knees. She didn't say any word and just motioned me to go but I had a hard time with Poli who still wrapped his arms tightly on mine.
"Kuya Hanson! Wag na po kayong umalis. Malulungkot po kaming lahat atsaka pano nalang po si Ate Sunshine?
There was another bang inside my chest after I heared her name once again.
Sunshine.
I'm sorry but I have to do this for myself and for you as well.
I gave my last hug to Poli and told Mama about my plan in helping Poli's family. She will continue giving them support for my sake and I was very thankful because I can finally leave with a little peace.
Hinatid na ako ni Kuya Kiko papunta sa airport. I started scrolling on my Facebook and Instagram account for the last time bago ako mag deactivate. Napagdesisyunan ko na ng buo sa kalooban na bitawan ang lahat ng accounts ko before I go to Canada and start a new life.
Ngunit habang tinitignan ko ang posts ko noon, hindi ko na kayang ideactivate ang account ko. I can't fully cut off my connections with my friends at lalo na sa kanya. Gusto ko pa ring masubaybayan kung anong nangyayari sa buhay niya habang wala ako sa tabi niya.
A teardrop escaped my eye when I stopped by my gallery to stare at the picture when we were in Lachlane. Parang may kumirot ulit sa puso ko while I was caressing her small cheeks using my fingers on the screen.
Naputol ako sa pagtingin sa pictures namin when an incoming call from King flashed on my screen. I wiped my tears away before I immediately clicked the answer button.
"Yes King?"
"Hindi ka na ba talaga namin mapipigilan?"
What he said made me let out a heavy sigh. Ilang beses na nilang tinanong yan sa akin at nagsasawa na akong sumagot na hindi ko na babawiin ang desisyon ko. Everything was already fixed and I can't mess it all up anymore.
"I'm sorry King but I have to do this."
"For what purpose, Hanson?"
"For... Just for everything... Just to make everything feel right."
"Okay sige. Kung yan ang tingin mong tamang gawin at kung diyan ka magiging masaya, hindi na kita pipigilan." He also let out a heavy sigh. "You were the smartest among our group and I believe that you could pick the most perfect decision. But you have to promise us one thing, don't cut off your connections with us like what you did before."
I let out a small chuckle. That choice was probably the next hardest thing I've ever decided for the past years. What remains on the top list, undefeatable, is the choice that I made for this moment.
"I promise. Hindi ko na gagawin ulit yon."
"Medyo napanatag na ako dahil diyan. Pero sana naman dumaan ka muna ulit dito sa hospital! Magpaalam ka naman ng maayos kay Sunshine."
After that call, I took a glance on my watch to check for the time. I still have two hours left before my flight which can give me enough time to drop by the hospital. Mabilis ko namang sinabi kay Kuya Kiko na dadaan muna kami sa ospital bago niya ako ihahatid sa airport.
"Baka kapag naabutan niyong gising si Sunshine, hindi niyo na iisiping umalis Sir." I gave Kuya Kiko a sad smile bago ako umiling.
Naisip ko rin ang bagay na yun. Seeing her while crying is enough to make me weak at hindi malabong maging dahilan yun para hindi na ako umalis. But I don't care anymore. I have to fight the urge of staying.
Kailangan kong umalis para sa sarili ko at para sa kanya.
Pagdating ko sa ospital at room number ni Sunshine, Greggy and Ouie immediately gave me warning glares. They even asked why I came back with their baritone voices in unison but Happy immediately pulled them away. Leaving me with King and Sunshine who was still sleeping peacefully in the bed.
"She's still unconscious for now but the doctor said that she'll already be awake after an hour." King tapped my shoulder lightly. "Magiging okay rin siya. Pero kung hindi mo kakayanin na makita siyang umiiyak, umalis ka na bago pa siya magising."
I gave my thanks to King and asked him if I could be alone with Sunshine. Agad naman siyang umalis ng kwarto bago naman ako naglakad palapit kay Sunshine, sat on the chair beside her bed and held her soft little hand.
Ilang segundo ko lang siyang tinitigan to memorize every part of her face. Kailangan kong matandaan ang mukha niya so that I'll be able to dream about her at night. I think that would be enough to give me strength to survive in Canada.
I touched her eyelashes and traced her nose down to her lips. I was slightly hoping that I'll see her eyes stucked on mine before I go pero mukhang malabo dahil napakahimbing pa din niyang matulog.
"My Sunshine. I didn't know that parting ways with you would be this painful."
I leaned closer to give her hand a kiss before I closed my eyes intently. I'll definitely miss her strawberry-like scent, her bubbly personality, the way she makes me laugh, the way she makes my heart race and the warmth of her lips and the softness of her hands.
"Yan yung luma kong voice recorder."
Automatikong bumukas ang mga mata ko ng pumasok sa utak ko ang boses ni Lydia. I remembered that thing she gave me the other day!
"Hindi ko alam kung makakatulong pero pwede mong ibuhos diyan lahat ng mga bagay na hindi mo masabi ng harapan kay Sunshine."
Nagmadali akong hanapin yung voice recorder sa bag ko. I was not sure if I brought it with me ngunit nakahinga ako ng maluwag ng makita ko ito sa bulsa ng bag ko.
Hindi naman ako nagsayang ng oras and took the opportunity to record everything that I needed to say to Sunshine. My tears started to overflow once again as I said sorry, gave her my thanks, and finally bid goodbye for the last time.
"Please be happy Sunshine. Hindi ko pa alam kung anong balak mong gawin in the future but I hope that you'll be a successful woman when our ways happen to meet again."
Umalis na ako sa ospital while trying to convince myself that I'll be leaving with no regrets left. Pero hindi ko pa rin mapigilang isipin ang lahat ng mga masasayang ko na opportunity when I leave.
Masasayang ko ang mga araw na dapat ay nasa tabi ako ni Sunshine. Masasayang ko ang mga araw na dapat ay binibigkas ko sa tenga niya kung gaano ko siya kamahal. Masasayang ko ang mga araw na dapat ay masaya kaming magkasama at ng mga kaibigan namin.
At higit sa lahat, masasayang ko ang mga araw na makikita ko ang pag-unlad niya at ng relationship sana naming dalawa.
"Sir Hanson, hindi niyo ba sasagutin ang tawag niyo?
My mind came back to reality because of Kuya Kiko's voice. Para akong nalunod dahil sa dami ng iniisip ko pero nagawa ko ulit na umahon.
Tinignan ko ang cellphone ko at nakitang tumatawag si King. We already talked earlier as I gave him my final goodbyes kaya nakapagtatakang tatawag ulit siya.
"Hello King? May problema ba-"
"Wala kang kasalanan sa nangyari sa Tatay ko Hanson. Kahit sa pagkamatay ng Nanay mo, wala kang kasalanan. Kaya bakit palagi mo nalang sinisisi ang sarili mo?! Bakit hindi mo maintindihan ang simpleng bagay na yun?!"
My heart throbbed as she continue to shout at me. Dapat ba hindi ko nalang sinagot ang tawag? Hindi sana niya ako sinisigawan ng ganito.
"Bakit ka ba kasi aalis?! Ano bang naging kasalanan mo?! Naguguilty ka pa rin ba?! Alam mong hindi ako magagalit sayo Hanson! Hinding-hindi ako magagalit sayo pero sa gagawin mo ngayon, pinipilit mong mapalitan ang pagmamahal ko sayo."
A part of me still wanted to hear her voice even for the last time. Wala na akong pakielam kahit na murahin niya pa ako ngayon.
"Pucha naman. Bumalik ka na kasi dito! Gustong gusto na kitang makita! Hindi ka man lang nagpakita sa akin sa burol ni Tatay tapos sa libing ka lang niya magpapakita? Tapos aalis ka pa talaga?! Put*ngina. Pinagmumukha mo akong tanga."
Tears started to fall from my eyes as I cover my mouth with my hand. Gusto ko na munang makinig sa kanya. Ayaw kong magsalita dahil baka may masabi na akong mali na magpapababa ng tawag niya.
"Pwede ka namang magpaalam sa akin ng maayos. Pwede mo namang sabihin na aalis ka para ayusin muna ang sarili mo. Pwede mong sabihin na aalis ka dahil ayaw mo ng ganito. Pero nagpapakaduwag ka nanaman Hanson, tinatakasan mo nanaman ako tulad ng nangyari sayo noon."
I'm sorry.
"Ilang buwan pa lang tayong nagkasama Hanson pero naimagine ko na ang future ko na kasama ka. Nangarap na akong maging housewife mo kaysa isipin ko kung anong kukuhanin kong kurso sa college. Hindi mo ba nakikita na ganito na kabigat ang nararamdaman ko sayo? Bakit ba napakadali lang sayong iwanan ang mga taong naging importante sayo?"
"Ano? Hindi ka na ba magsasalita? Na-pipi ka na ba diyan?"
Leaving Scholastica was never easy. It was like choosing to go to hell even if I already have the heavens in me. Pero kung hindi ko piniling umalis, hindi ko naman makikilala ang babaeng minamahal ko ngayon na nagpabago ng impyerno ng buhay ko.
"Thank you for all the great things that you've done to me Sunshine but I'm so sorry." My voice broke that's why I bit my lip before inhaling deeply.
And now that it's for me to go again, iiwanan ko nanaman ang naging langit ko. I need to enter another hell again but this time, the pain will be doubled or tripled. Hindi na ako makakaasang makakahanap ulit ako ng magiging anghel ko because Sunshine might probably be the first and the last girl that I'll open my heart to.
"This is the best thing that I could do for now. Please take care of yourself and be happy without me."
I badly wanted to say that 8 letters and 3 words but I don't want her to hold on to me again because of that phrase.
"Deputa naman Hanson. Sana pala hindi ko nalang hiniling sa kwintas na magkita ulit tayo. Hindi sana doble ang sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon kung hindi ko ginawa yun."
My heart totally broke when I heared her loud gasps while trying to hold her cries. It was really painful to hear someone getting hurt ngunit mas doble pa rin talaga ang tama sayo kapag mahal mo yung tao.
"Kalimutan mo nalang ako Sunshine. I don't want to lose you but I'm not the right one for you."