Even when he wasn't there, the bastard still managed to get all the spotlights on him. How did he managed that? People were actually putting flowers down the front of what was Stark tower once upon a time. People who, not too long ago, were hating Stark with all they had. Part of him wanted to think that the masses were changing their minds just like they were changing clothes. The crowds were inconstant like that. The files, dumped everywhere on the internet weren't, showing them on a good side. Clint was especially disturbed by the Hydra's videos about Wanda. After Loki, the idea alone of someone playing with his mind would have sent him in a rage. He watched her little smile after having destroyed somebody's mind. It was disturbing. She didn't use her red mist on him but it shouldn't have been an excuse. Yet, they accepted her as part of the team as if nothing happened, as if not too long ago, she wasn't on the path on killing them all. She had unleashed the Hulk into innocent population, that alone should have made them think twice. He had been close to her, as if she was his own daughter. Pietro had saved his life. Clint had felt indebted to her in a way.
Nothing was right these days. Their returns should have been the ones of heroes coming back from a hard but won battle. Stark should have been there with a hell of an apology. Clint had dreamt about that explanation. That was what they deserved. At the very least. They had fought for what was right. Steve had been dead on about those accords. Clint didn't even need to read them to know. Even Natasha had finally saw the light. That year away from home had been really difficult. Wakanda was beautiful but it wasn't home. They couldn't go outside the private gardens. It wasn't the first time he had to leave his family behind. Never so long and never without a way to contact them once and a while. T'Challa had told them to lay low while he was working for them to go back home. Meaning no contact with the outside world. Clint had never been that good with being ordered around. Even when Phil Coulson was his handler. They had a strange bond together that was why he listened to him. They were like a family Phil, Natasha and him. He had tried to call his family anyway and failed. He wanted to hear Laura and the kids even if he couldn't go back to them just right now. The King had been pissed with him for a while after that.
He still couldn't believe that Stark had thrown them in jail. People now were saying it wasn't him back then, that he didn't have that kind of power in the first place. But the archer didn't believe that one bit. He remembered clearly when Stark came to visit them in their cells. Stark was is old abrasive self. Clint's anger had skyrocketed then. Now, he could admit that that comment on Rhodes' back had been going too far. If Stark had been expecting a "sorry I fucked up" from him he could always wait until hell froze over. Once the snarky comments had started, he just couldn't stop himself. Almost against his will at times. The anger needed a way out. In his exile, the hatred had helped him not going crazy. He needed someone to blame for everything. Everyone in the world was in the "Stark is Evil" bandwagon anyway. The entire planet couldn't be wrong. Captain America couldn't be wrong.
Wakanda had a lot of training grounds of all kinds. It was impressive. Even an archery range. The arrows here weren't as good as Stark's ones but it felt good to shoot again. Most days, he just felt like punching someone in the face. Anyone would do. He was feeling so much rage that training and sparring was not enough to let all that out of his system. The Dora Milaje were formidable warriors. Training with them was a good exercise. Even when they heard about their pardon, the fury did not subside. They were still criminals. They would just not go to jail. The avengers were to do community work by doing heroics. As he was right now, Clint couldn't go back home. His real home, the farm. It would have been dangerous for Laura and the kids. Control, he needed to control himself better before thinking about going back. The situation wasn't fair for his family. But that was the best he could do in that shithole of a situation Stark left them in. He knew that he should contact them, to tell them what really happened. The courage didn't come to him. Maybe he didn't try too much.
Clint wanted to go back doing missions somewhere. Anywhere. He was bored. Surely that was not helping his situation. He needed action on the dangerous side. Now that they were back and pardoned clearly they should go back in the field. Destroying some Hydra hideout or something like that. Those stupid accords were stopping them from doing good things again. They wanted the avengers to act only on certain things. They weren't trained to deal with terrorism the U.N. said. If they weren't, who were? The good Captain wasn't that bothered about Hydra anymore. But like the mythological beast, they had cut a head or two but the monster was very much alive. You could kill a man or even ten, but you couldn't kill an idea. Plus, they had find Bucky now, no more point in going around bases to bases, looking for a trace of him. Clint knew that in the back of his mind. He knew that everything had been for Sergeant Barnes' safety. But he would not acknowledged it. On the other hand, Natasha wanted to go look for Tony. She was stressing how important it was for their future, at the very least for their founding. The hell with that and with him.
The videos so far were compromising more for his team than for him. It would come to him sooner rather than later. Laura knew of his past already. They had met in Shield headquarter. She had been an agent herself before they got married. The farm was both their dream for a normal life. At least back then it was. When he retired, he tried, he really did. It was not enough. Life was too quiet, too dull. That made him irritable. His children didn't need him to snap at them ever so often. Now he didn't really know what he wanted anymore. Laura would know how to deal with the defamation of character. But then again, his children were innocent of the spy world. Cooper, Lila and Nathaniel thought their father was a hero. They knew the stories about the avengers, the invasion of New York and then some. Someone who was saving the innocent. They would not understand. Why should they? How to explain his past as an assassin? Or Natasha's past from the red room, Natasha who was like an aunt to them? Tony was beyond petty doing that to them. If he wanted some misplaced revenge, he should have gone against the team, against the archer directly, not against his family. They would need protection now.
So, after months back in the states, he finally decided to call Laura. He had no idea on what to say. Clint had not been this stressed out in years. She would be mad, probably shout at him. He deserved some of that for letting them down. He didn't care as long as everybody was alright and safe. No one answered. But the archer thought that Laura was giving him the silence treatment. Worse than that.
"The number you have dialled is not in service. Please check the number again."
Clint did just that. Dialled and dialled again. Then he tried the back-up phones. He attempted the emergency email, nothing. He tried every way of contact they had created years ago. No movement on their joint bank account. None on her private one. Not that she could access their money after his team were labelled outlaws, called the Rogues by the mainstream media. That didn't bode well. That morning, after all his frenetic research, he took a jet without asking permission. People from the U.N. were working in the hanger. They tried to stop him. They failed. Could they see that it was important? More important than a stupid piece of paper telling them what to do or not? His family was out there maybe in danger. He needed to know. Nobody would stand between his clan and him. Clint was an excellent pilot. The jet would not suffer during that little trip. The United Nations had bought the compound and its equipment from Stark. Nobody had bothered changing the passwords that Stark had put in place. Tony was totally paranoid but he didn't change the security protocols. That was weird. He'll have to think about that but it would be worries for another day. The journey to the farm seemed to be awfully long. Everybody was trying to contact him. On the radio and on his phone. Steve and Natasha should have known better than trying to stop him. They wanted him to turn around and talk about it. They could all go to hell.
The farm should have appeared on the horizon but he couldn't see anything. That was some scary feeling. His eyes were frenetically searching for something that definitely wasn't there. The dread got worse when he actually landed. He couldn't move. Everything in him wanted to go outside the jet, to look for something, anything that would tell him the fate of his family. He couldn't move. He was trying to, but some sticky and dark tar wouldn't let him. He was feeling like drowning. There was nothing left. Where his farm once was, he could only see a couple of burnt debris and the concrete foundation. That was it. Part of his brain was still analysing the situation. To his trained eyes, it was easy to understand that the cause was an explosion. A big one. Clint just couldn't believe what his eyes were seeing. He couldn't compute anything at all. Would Tony go that far? Maybe it had been Ross. It could have been anybody but he couldn't think straight.
Laura, Cooper, Lila and Nathanael. Were they dead? They couldn't be. No. Impossible. He managed to get out the jet and walk in the ruins of what had been his farm. Clint should have been there. The father should have protected his children, just like the husband should have been there for his wife. Now to think about it, Clint had never been good at either of those. Why did he leave really? Because he was bored in the farm like a lion in his cage. Because he was not a hero anymore and he still wanted to be in the heart of the action. Or in the spotlight. Because he thought that no matter what he did, Laura and the kids would be there when he would be back. They had always been so patient with him. One stupid decision had changed so much. It took him forever to reach what was once his front door. Once there, Clint fell down on his knees crying. Those tears meant nothing to nobody now. He would never asked for their forgiveness now. What had he done?
All that grief, all that guilt... It broke something in him. He had lost his purpose in life. His moral compass. His life. Laura and the children were innocents. They didn't deserve to die. So many awful people were living the good life out there. It wasn't fair. None of that was. Clint couldn't contain his rage anymore. He had nothing to live for anymore but before his death, he would do some good for the society. It wasn't what a good man would do, who cared. He wasn't one. Laura knew that now.