After almost 6 hours of music and staring at the ceiling, I couldn't take it any longer. I have no idea how the time went by that fast, but it felt like I was only laying here for an hour or two. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 7:52, so I slid my slippers on and wrapped a blanket around myself to head down to the lounge.
Today had already been horrible, so I wasn't even dreading this. I didn't even know who I was trying to kid, the last 6 months had been horrible, and it seemed to only get worse. I trudged down the stairs to the floor below mine where the lounge we always used to reserve for movie nights was. I missed those days, back when everything was relatively peaceful and we went out of our way to plan group activities.
Now it felt like we only saw each other when we had to, and this was one of those times. I think we all knew how this was going to go, but no one wanted to admit it. Screaming and fighting was inevitable, and that positive attitude that Sophie told me to bring was long gone. If Mike hadn't rubbed me the wrong way earlier it would have been fine, but here I was about to walk into the lion's den already ticked off.
I saw that everyone was already inside as I walked up to the glass door, so I just opened it up quietly and watched as everyone stopped what they were doing to look at me. I brought my eyes to the floor and plopped down on the bean bag in the corner, letting Sophie take the reins and lead this meeting.
Instead of leading it like I thought she would, we all just sat there in silence for a few moments. I looked up and found Luke staring at me, but he looked away right when I caught him. He had this odd look on his face that I couldn't really read, but I snapped out of that thought when Ashton finally spoke up.
"Does anyone have anything they want to start with?" He asked hesitantly.
I had so many things that I had been thinking about saying all day, but now that we were here I was frozen. I didn't want to be the one to start, so I waited for someone else to take the baton.
When the whole room stayed silent my blood started boiling the slightest bit, since apparently no one wanted to address the elephant in the room. I gave it another minute, but when I watched the rest of them exchanging glances I finally spit it out.
"All of our issues revolve around me." I said quietly, keeping my eyes out the window. I had a pretty good view of the main road from here, so I kept watching cars as they drove by in hopes of keeping myself from making eye contact with anyone.
"That's not fair, Izz. This isn't on you at all." Sophie said. I just shook my head, but before I could refute it, Mike did for me.
"How is this not on her?" He asked in an amused tone. I scoffed and shook my head again, only Sophie came to my defense.
"You're over here brawling with Luke, and you want to talk about Izzy being to blame?" She spat, flailing her arms.
"We were at each other's throats because of her!" He shouted as if it was obvious. I was at the point where I didn't even want to add my input, so I sat back and listened while I continued to watch passing cars.
"It's not her fault that both of you have feelings for her!" Calum even started shouting, and by the sound of it he was pissed that Mike was taking it there.
"She was leading me on the whole time!" Mike said, dragging my name through the dirt. I didn't even feel the need to defend myself against his bullshit though.
"She didn't lead you on, you psychopath! You don't want to accept that she doesn't want you back!" Sophie was now joining in on the screaming, even though she was the one who wanted this to be positive. The more they shouted the more I started to shut down, until I finally screwed my eyes shut.
"All of you shut the fuck up! Do you not see what you're doing to her?!" When I heard Luke's voice I put my hands to my forehead and pushed my hair back. "This has nothing to do with her! I fucked us all up, you should be screaming at me!" Once Luke got his words out everyone went silent again, but I still didn't turn to them.
"We shouldn't be screaming at all." Calum broke the silence.
"Agreed." Ashton said.
"There's no sense in fighting when she doesn't want either of you." Sophie said quietly. That's exactly what needed to be said, though. It's not like one of them would win in the end.
"I'm sorry for causing all of this." Luke sighed, and it hit me that that was the first time I'd ever heard him apologize after all this.
"Real rich, Luke." Mike scoffed. I didn't understand why he had to keep pushing it, or why he was this bitter all of a sudden. This wasn't the Mike we knew, and I was beginning to think he was gone for good.
"Do you even hear yourself?!" Luke raised his voice again, which definitely wasn't helping the situation.
"Yeah, and before you came back around we were fine! You're the fucking problem!" Mike shouted back. I couldn't keep sitting here and listening to them going in circles, and the more they went at each other the more emotional I got.
"You're the only one causing a problem!"
"Because... you...." I started zoning out all the bickering and stood up.
Luke and Mike were still preoccupied by screaming at each other to realize I started walking over to where they were sitting across from one another. Everyone else was watching me, and by the time I was only a foot away from Luke he finally shut up and turned to me. I didn't really know what I was planning on doing, but when he looked up at me as I stood in front of him I quickly wound my arm back and brought my hand to his cheek with a crack.
"Izz!" Sophie tried to reel me back, but Luke just sat there with his hand on his cheek while I watched him get his shit back together.
"That helped." I whispered, avoiding eye contact again as I made my way back over to my seat. It did help. Getting to slap him like that let me get some of my anger out, which was mostly still directed at him. Mike pissed me off too, but that was like therapy to me. "You can carry on." I told them quietly once I sat back down.
"When are we going to talk about it?" I turned to Luke when I knew he was clearly directing that question at me. I saw Mike shake his head and fall back in the couch out of the corner of my eye, but he wasn't the only one that didn't like the sound of that.
"We're not." I told him, turning back to resume staring out the window.
"You should." I whipped back around when I heard Ashton, Sophie, and Calum all say it at the same time. I looked to Sophie and saw her sending me a death glare, as if to threaten me to get it over with. "Let's give them the room, guys." She said, motioning for everyone to leave. I watched in terror as Mike was the first one to storm out, followed by the others.
"I wish I could take it back." Luke said. I didn't even wait for him to finish before jumping up and heading for the door. I saw Sophie fucking with the handle on the outside as I made my way over, and when she pulled away and saw me coming she gave me a guilty look. I tugged on the handle just for it to be locked, and then I saw her put the keys in Ashton's hand.
"Do you not remember what happened last time?!" I shouted, panic now setting in.
I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready to go back to that night and relive every painful detail, and I definitely wasn't ready to cry again. Instead of unlocking it like I thought they would, they turned around and went up the stairs. I assumed they were ditching to go up to Sophie's room, leaving me in here with Luke for god knows how long.
"Can you just hear me out?" Luke asked, making me turn around and accept the fact that there was no getting out of this. When I just sat back down in the bean bag without a word he continued. "I don't know why I did it. I went there that night to end it because I didn't want to lose you-"
"If running upstairs with her was your idea of ending it you did a great job." I said nonchalantly.
"I'm not about to sit here and make excuses, I fucked up. And now I'm paying for it like I deserve." He said, making my body shudder the slightest bit. I had pictured this conversation in my head almost every night the last 6 months, but now that I was here I didn't even know what to say.
"Did Ashton tell you where me and Sophie went that morning?" I asked, still looking out the window with my eyes fixated on a car stopped with its hazards flashing.
"She had a doctor's appointment, you already told me th-"
"I had the appointment. To see if I could get pregnant after starving for so long." I confessed, surprisingly keeping myself together. I didn't look at him right away, but after a few moments without a response I glanced over to see him with his head in his hands. "And in case you were wondering, I can."
"I wanted a life with you, that was never a ques-"
"But it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough for you, so you had to find more with some whore you met on the street. And that's all Olivia's ever been." I cut him off and let that sink in for him.
"I would've fought for you if you gave me the chance." He said, and when I made the mistake of looking at him again I felt my eyes start to water.
"How many times did you think I was going to let you hurt me?" I asked. He didn't know the answer, which I wasn't surprised by. "That's all I have to say to you." I said quietly, pulling my phone out of my pocket so I could spam call Sophie until she came and unlocked the door.
"Stop." Luke came over right when I put my phone to my ear, and when I didn't put it down he reached for it.
"I'm finished with this." I told him as I pushed his arm away and stood up to put space between us.
"I'm not, Izz." He came back over to me and tried to grab my phone again right when Sophie picked up.
"Get the fuck away from me!" I didn't have time to even answer her when she said hey, since Luke managed to snag it out of my hand. "Give it back!" I pried at his arms until he finally ended the call and raised the phone high above his head. I shoved him once and turned around for a second to try to cool off, and when I went back to face him my phone wasn't in his hands anymore.
"Give me another chance." He said, making me gulp back the tears that were already forming in my eyes.
"No." I whispered, shaking my head until a few finally fell.
"I love you so much baby, please let me fix this." He came over and pulled my face into his hands, but that only made me cry harder. I didn't know if I was expecting him to beg for forgiveness or not, but it stung to have to reject him.
"I'm not doing this again." I said, shoving his arms away from me. "Stop asking me to." My voice was cracking every other word, and by the time I had finished with what I had to say I was full on sobbing.
"I know you're scared, but you have to trust me I-"
"I don't trust you at all! I gave you my virginity! I gave you everything and you threw it all away!" I yelled.
"Then let me build the trust back! I'll do whatever you need me to do, Izz, just don't push me away." He begged and tried to reach for my wrist, so I shook my head and fell down against the wall with my knees to my chest. All I wanted was to disappear, and being locked in here was starting to make me hyperventilate.
"If you love me you'll leave me alone." I sobbed, covering my face as if that would help me out of this confrontation.
"I'm not gonna stop, baby." He kneeled down in front of me and put his hands on my knees, but when I pulled my hands away from my face to try to push them off he just grabbed my wrists.
"Let go. Please let go." I was still sobbing, but all my energy was drained and it came out weak like a whimper.
"I'm not letting go." He said, his voice cracking the slightest bit as he pulled me into his chest.
It only made me cry harder to have his arms wrapped around me, and every so often the pain was so deep that a violent sob came out of me. I think after it happened the first time he brought his hand to cradle my head, and I knew he was trying to help but it was making it worse.
I didn't even hear the door open, but Sophie came rushing over to us and pried me away from Luke. He fought her a little, but once his grip around me was gone I shot up and grabbed my blanket off the bean bag.
"Izzy let's finish this!" Sophie tried to stop me. It wasn't like I was pissed off and storming out, I was just pushed beyond what I could handle for the night. I needed to be alone, so I hurried out of the room and darted up the stairs before anyone could stop me.