I've always had one unyielding principle in my life, and that is - be responsible.
That decision of mine was made right after the day I did a terrible thing in my life. And it will forever be burned in my memory and conscience.
I held the hair bow in my hand from the rusty biscuit tin, the fabric pretty worn out after the years. The very memento of that day. Staring at it, wondering had I not done the same.
It was a chilly day in June when I was just a naïve 7 years old, at the park a few turns away from Lily Orphanage. It was the day I was forced to look at the world with unclouded eyes for the first time, forced to take down the supposed rose-colored vision of a child.
I still could not seem to comprehend how the smallest details of the days we do not want remembered were the most vivid. It was the sun about to set complete on the far horizon at that time, that gradually swallowed the colors of the high-rise city buildings. Few stratus clouds were scattered on the tangerine firmament, and as if beings of my dark imaginations as a child were about to seep into existence. But the more I gripped on Annie's wrist.
"No!" I bawled with my squeaky child's voice, tears and probably snot threatening to fall down. She looked at me with brows pulled together and eyes full of worry, which I mistook for a scowl that time.
"I don't want to come back yet!" I demanded one more time, crumpling my mudded dress from playing the entire afternoon on my other hand.
"But Sister will get mad Suzy. Everyone is preparing for dinner by now." She peeked at my face with a gentle expression but quickly I averted my gaze. Skeptical of confronting her kind eyes, "The other girls doesn't want me there. They keep hiding my chair!" a childish excuse I added.
Through my watery eyes, I watched her lower herself in front of me. Her sorrowful and soft gaze fixed on me, and her hand still holding mine gently. I heard her sigh. "But I want you there." Her pale chapped lips stretched for a soft smile, it must've hurt.
I remember how peeved I was as much as being in awe at how mature she sounds sometimes. She always seem to know what to respond and make me unable to rebut, when we're only three years apart. Even in the orphanage, her percipience, for some reason, has always seemed far more distant among all the kids, and some girls would hate her for that. Was it because she's sick? Maybe. I don't know why being sick sometimes makes one feel somewhat mature. And Annie is sick. Badly sick. But the me at that time just couldn't simply take that and give up on her childish tantrums.
She really doesn't care about me. How can she smile like that? - My thought at that time.
I sniffled quietly avoiding her eyes. I hated how she could easily say things like that when her leaving has also been set to date. And tomorrow is the day. "I'll come back at the orphanage if you stay!" I demanded with a frown, and finally raised my gaze to meet her eyes bravely, but my shoulders went down when I saw them dull.
"Annie?" I called worriedly, and took her hand for pity. "Let's just stay there hmm? Don't go. The other kids are mean." convincing her, tears and snot all over me.
She regained her smile, "Hahah you can just fight them. You're brave you said, didn't you?" patting my head. It irked me more. I threw her hand. "I'm not! I'm not brave without you!" I admitted bawling.
"Yes you are! You remember? You promised me you'll be brave, that you will protect me like how I protected you, and that you will help me make my dream come true. And you know my dream is to get better right? Those people will help me."
Yeah, of course I remember. But I don't care! "But it's okay as long as you're being treated! Can't you just continue your treatment in the orphanage?" I sniffed, "Don't leave me Annie." begging her once more.
Playing here in the park was my idea. I thought this might be the last we'll get out to play. Together. Like we always have. Because I knew, once the day fully ends and night shifts, both our mornings will never be the same. So how can I let her go? I don't want this day to end.
"You know I never want to leave you right? You are my best little sister."
My small fist balled. That smile again! Giving false assurance. "Then say you won't if you do!" Anger mounted up in my chest. Too swallowed by emotions to even think of how she felt.
"You just really want to go back to the orphanage because you're excited of leaving tomorrow! Getting adopted by a rich family where you'll have lots of dolls and friends, you'll forget me in no time! Tell me that's not true! Tell them you don't wanna go!" I screamed. But she said nothing, she went silent for a moment.
Only this time I noticed how alone we were. There was not a single person around. The wind swept, rocked the swing, and made the metal screech throughout the empty playground. An eerie moment. We have been too occupied with our emotions to notice how dark it was getting.
"Then..." I had my hopes up I've convinced her. I silently prayed she'll say what I wanna hear, "What if I say I want to go?" she finished.
My heart sank. Taken aback. That was the answer I feared the most. For the first time I saw her cry I got awfully guilty. It was the very first time she wasn't not holding any of her emotions.
I have seen her cry. No matter how tough her treatments were, nor how mean the other girls were. I'm used being the one comforted, but not the other way around. For the first time I felt paranoia. Though I have yet to know the term. I wanted to hold her shoulders, but couldn't. Her hand, but felt like I shouldn't. "You're making it hard for me Suzette." Her voice was shaky. It's like for the first time she was true. Her eyes were true. She never calls me by my full name. I have always been Suzy for her. Her best little sister. I could not seem to find any words to say being too overwhelmed of emotions and guilt to comfort her. Something she always does to me, which made me feel worse.
We were both crying. Helpless from our fate. The fate of two orphaned kids, no family at all to rely to, therefore we found each other, and learned to cherished each other like real sisters, but how cruel of the world to break us apart.
"I want you to live. But I wish you also want me too."
That hit me hard, my wail only became louder. I cried my heart out. Until I couldn't hear her anymore. Sobbing, I wiped my tears with the back of my hand. And though my eyes were still in blur, I recognized a seemingly catatonic horrified expression of her, looking at the direction of the entrance of the playground.
My sobs abruptly went quiet. I tried to look over my shoulder in curiosity to see what could have made her make that strange expression, "Suzy!" she called as she abruptly caught my cheeks and turned my face back to her. She's now all smiles, as if she particularly wanted me to remember her on that smile alone, but her pale cheek that still shone of tears that time was still more vivid in my memory. "Should we play hide and seek for the last time?"
The irony of the situation puzzled me, "Why?" my brows scrunched. "There's no time. I'll find you later. Run far, go." She ordered in whisper.
Puzzled, yet I still quickly ran to the most reasonable hiding spot for me at that moment - the bushes a few meters away from the playground. I quickly established my self there in silence, hugging my knees. Too young to imagine any unwanted possibilities, but my heart seemed to know, it rammed with beats.
Moments later, I started to hear a rasp of surely a man's shoes on the rough ground, approaching with agonizing slowness. I could not hear anything of Annie at all.
Moments passed, and the pregnant silence started to fill me. Confusion, and curiosity of what could've happened to Annie gave me a little courage to peep on what little spaces the bushes could offer. But what I saw that day, ruined my life.
Had I just went back to the orphanage earlier that day...
Had I not acted in front of my sweet sister who always protected me...
Had I not been too selfish or clueless...
She still would've been here by now.
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©Zed_Alinsky