Kabanata 46
Icarus
I knew her, and I hadn't met her yet.
Sunny Vega was the favorite topic of La Fortuna's entire male population. Kahit saan ako magpunta, bukambibig siya ng mga kalalakihang nakakasalamuha ko. I was well aware of her wild and unconventional adventures. At first, it was bearable because, as sexist as it may sound, this was what bachelors in this town did — talk about women's bodies like they're objects.
I heard she crashed one of her flings' sports cars once. I heard Levi Suarez was almost disowned by his father for going after her. Rumor had it that he wanted her despite the negative implications she could bring to his family's lily-white reputation.
What a stupid boy, that Levi Suarez. Yes, the term 'boy' suited him best. A man would not desperately chase a woman to the point of being disowned by his father. Ako, hinding-hindi ko iyon gagawin. Besides, that was not how it usually went with my affairs with women. I never pursued a woman in my entire life.
I focused on my work, studies, and business, and women just naturally came to me like moths drawn to a flame.
I was sure that whoever this Sunny Vega was, she was not as exciting, mesmerizing, and spell-binding as she sounded. Hindi ba ganiyan naman kadalasan ang nangyayari sa mga sabi-sabi? Rumors are always exaggerated — for how else would they spread? Stories like hers needed to be unique, almost impossible, and always straight out of a man's dirty fantasy.
"Ico Benavidos, right? I'm Sunny Vega."
Nagsitayuan ang mga balahibo ko nang marinig ang kaniyang boses. I had heard about how silky and sweet she sounded. But damn. Damn.
Her voice... it was just too feminine and tempting. The honey-like sound that came out of her mouth traveled from my spine to my groin, spreading a rush of warmth all over my nerve endings. Napaayos ako ng upo.
What the fucking hell?
And don't even get me started with that angel-like face of hers. I was told she was like a drug. But no one told me she was the most addicting kind.
"I know you," I said casually.
I know you, and I know how much you like to flirt with men with prestigious lineages. I heard about you, every time I came to the club, every time there was a party, every time I went to my father's properties. I have been told about your escapades, vital statistics, French kisses, make-out sessions, and road accidents. I know you. And I will not be one of your boy toys.
Hindi ko tinanggap ang kamay niyang nakalahad kaya ibinaba niya iyon. The slightest flicker of disappointment passed across her sweet face. I hated how I almost backpedalled and apologized for not giving her the attention she wanted.
"Paano mo ako nakilala?"
"You're the girl who likes crashing sports cars that aren't even yours."
"Correction, sports car. Isa lang 'yon."
"As if that would change the fact that you're a bad driver."
She was onto me, and I did not take it as a compliment. Ibig sabihin no'n ay iniisip niyang katulad ako ng ng mga kalalakihang halos baliin ang kanilang prinsipyo para sa kaniya.
She probably thought I was an easy target, or that I was the kind of man who would not be able to decline a little temptation, skimpy red dress, and cleavage.
"I would never like a woman like you," I told her after she drove me to the summer house.
It was not my proudest moment, but it had to be said. A wall should be built as early as now. I needed precaution because the last thing I wanted was to be involved with her. Isa pa, alam kong wala akong mapapala sa kaniya.
With all the male attention she was getting, there was no way she was not shallow and stuck-up. She probably spent her weekends spending her flings' money. Hindi ako pwedeng mapalapit sa kaniya, lalo na ngayong marami akong pinoproblema.
Nandito ako sa summer house dahil umalis ako sa mansiyon namin pagkatapos i-anunsyo ni Dad na matutuloy ang engagement ko ngayong taon. Ilang beses ko nang sinabing wala pa sa isip ko ang kahit anong tungkol sa relasyon dahil abala ako sa pag-aaral.
Aside from that, women in La Fortuna were all materialistic and bratty. Mayroon namang maayos pero wala akong planong kilalanin sila. I had been in a few relationships, but all of them were based on need and not love. Sa Manila rin ako nag-aaral kaya anong silbi ng pagkakaroon ng taga-La Fortuna na fiancé?
I was a firm believer in trusting the process and never taking any short cut in life. However, I could already hear the clock ticking, and I needed a quick fix to this whole engagement thing.
"I want to hire you to pretend as my girlfriend."
She blinked twice. Umawang ang labi niya kaya napunta roon ang tingin ko. Her lips were naturally red. I sucked my breath because there was this sudden desire within me to taste her.
I wanted to explore her mouth thoroughly and make her forget about all the other men that came before me. She probably liked it hard and fast. I could give her that. I could try. Although, to be honest, I would rather take my time with her. Shower her some kisses and compliments from here and there. Soft-handle her.
Wait, what?
Jesus H. Christ. The things she does to me. Mukhang kailangan kong paunlakan ang imbitasyon ni Atlas na mag-inuman mamaya.
This must be some kind of Pavlovian conditioning. Sa sobrang dami ng naririnig ko tungkol sa kaniya, nahahawaan na rin ang utak kong pag-isipan siya ng ganoon. She deserved better than this.
"It's just for a week, Sunny. May family dinner kami sa Sunday at kailangan ko ng babaeng maipapakilala kay Dad."
"And you chose me to pretend as your girlfriend among all the other women who'd accept this job for free because...?"
Because for some reason, I haven't stopped thinking about you and how disappointed you looked when I told you I would never like a girl like you. I want to apologize, and I will, but I know that will never be enough. Maybe this whole thing can make you think otherwise.
The truth is I think you are pretty, and I respect you, and I also want to see for myself if all these allegations about you are true.
"Because you're good at this. This is your battlefield." I needed to lie. Both to her and myself.
Kasi imposibleng kabilang na ako sa mga lalaking halos dilaan ang nilalakaran niya sa ganito lamang kabilis na panahon.
She was popular because of her virginity. Ni hindi ko alam kung paano kumalat iyon. Unless, of course, she announced it to every man she had been with. I doubted if it was even true.
What is it to me, anyway? Ang sabi ko ay hindi ko siya poproblemahin. But this was far from what I wanted. Sunny Vega was starting to crawl under my skin... too much that I became a different version of me whenever she was with other boys.
"Totoo ba?" tanong niya. Nagtubig ang gilid ng kaniyang mga mata pero masyado akong galit para pansinin iyon.
"Anong totoo?"
"You called me a slut, Ico!"
"Why? Aren't you?"
Her breathing hitched. Gusto ko siyang aluin, yakapin, at sabihing wala namang kabuluhan iyong sinabi ko. But that would just be me lying.
Noong nakita ko silang naghalikan ni Sextus, napagtanto kong totoo nga ang mga alegasyon sa kaniya ng mga lalaki sa bayang ito. Binastos siya ng mga kaibigan ni Sextus pero nagawa niya pa ring makipagsalamuha sa kaniya. It was like she never made any effort to distance herself from danger.
"Is that why you called me a slut?" she asked in a miserable voice when I explained to her that I saw her pressing her lips on that disgusting bastard.
"Everyone calls you a slut."
Pulang-pula ang kaniyang pisngi at kumislap ang kaniyang mga mata para sa nagbabadyang mga luha.
Oh, fuck, no, baby. I am so pissed at you right now. If you cry, I might just retract all the mean words I said. I cannot afford that. Malalaman mo lang na baliw na baliw ako sa 'yo.
She slapped me so hard the sting reverberated throughout my whole system. Nakakatawa man pero mas nagustuhan ko ang reaksyon niyang iyon.
Throw your anger and frustration at me. Just don't cry. Otherwise, this whole façade will be over before it even began.
"Leave, Ico. Leave and never come back into my life."
Madali akong kausap. When people showed me the slightest sign they did not want me in their life, my natural instinct was to step back and walk away.
Bakit? Kasi wala akong panahon makipag-gaguhan. I did not exactly have that much free time on my hands. Wala sa itenerary ko ang pilitin ang kahit sinong manatili.
I flew back to Manila the day after. Ni hindi ako dumalo sa family dinner kung saan kailangan kong magpakilala ng girlfriend kay Dad upang hindi niya ituloy ang engagement ko. There were no fucks left for me to give.
Maybe marriage for convenience wouldn't be that bad. After what happened between me and Sunny, I was not as repulsed by it anymore. Besides, with an arrangement like this, at least I would be given the assurance of a lifetime commitment.
What could I say? I never really found the appeal of playing around with women. Sue me for being a conservative.
"Ico, come on," Hazel said sensually as she kissed my throat and jaw.
Imbes na pagbigyan siya ay marahan ko siyang tinulak. I fixed my dress shirt and left her condo without saying a word.
It was bad. Kahit anong gawin kong paglimot kay Sunny ay lagi pa rin siyang nasa likod ng aking isipan. Akala ko wala akong bisyo pero baka mali ako. Sunny had become my vice, and the last thing I wanted was to fuck Hazel while imagining her sweet face. Hazel had been a good friend to me. Kahit iyon na lang ang ibigay ko sa kaniya.
When I realized I caught feelings for Sunny Vega, my misery worsened exponentially. Kasi ngayon mas nadepina ang galit niya sa akin. Galit siya sa akin. Perhaps, this was my karma after leaving her with those hurtful words.
There was nothing worse than this. There was nothing worse than being fond of someone who will never be fond of you.
"Bakit ang seryoso mo? Hindi ka dapat ganiyan kaseryoso sa buhay, Ico. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." Nakapangalumbaba niya akong tinignan at nginisihan.
Nandito ulit siya sa summer house. I could not decipher why she wanted to stay with me now that she was Aurora Casagrande. May mansiyon naman sila. However, it's not like I had any complaints. I kind of liked it. Sometimes, I did not even want her to leave.
Marami siyang ginagawang kung ano-ano rito. She bought pink pillowcases for my couch cushions. Nandoon na rin ang razor at feminine hygiene products niya sa CR. Her scent, hair, and touch were everywhere.
"Well, Jack is not a med student, so he would probably not understand why I have to work so much."
Kinuha niya ang isang aklat sa tabi ko at binuklat iyon. She winced and closed it abruptly.
"Ico! There are so many dicks in this book."
"Yeah?" I asked, amused.
"Oo. Tignan mo!" Binuklat niya ulit iyon at hinanap ang nasabing pahina. "Buti na lang hindi 'to pop-up book!"
I burst out laughing. Sumimangot naman siya kaya napawi ang tira-tira kong ngisi. Her presence made my stomach twist in knots. Ganito palagi kapag malapit ako sa kaniya. Para akong mapapaso. Para akong mauubusan ng hininga.
She sighed and eyed what I was doing on my iPad. "Grabe. Ang linis tignan ng mga notes mo. Pwede ko ba 'yang i-upload online? For sure maraming magbabayad para ma-access 'yan."
"You can't."
"Damot! Ikaw siguro 'yong tipo ng estudyanteng 'di nagshe-share ng reviewer. Hindi naman mababawasan ang score mo kapag nag-share ka."
"Hindi nga. But where is the academic integrity in that?"
She pursed her lips, and I wanted to kiss her right there and then. "You obsess too much over simple things. Ganiyan ka ba talaga?"
"What do you mean?"
"Control freak. Clean freak. Nakita kita kanina, e. Ilang beses mong in-on and off 'yong switch ng ilaw. Lagi ka ring nags-spray ng alcohol sa desk at kamay mo."
I was quite sure I would be diagnosed with OCD if I went to the doctor. Hindi ako kumonsulta kasi hindi naman ganoon kalala ang pagiging 'control freak' at 'clean freak' ko. Besides, being a perfectionist would come in handy in my chosen vocation. Who would want a doctor who was not sure of what they were doing?
I liked control, and I wanted to enforce it on a lot of things — my schedule, my hobbies, my time, my performance in school. So far, the only thing I could not control came in the form of a woman with silky long hair, fair skin, almond eyes, and a sweet smile.
Sunny Vega was my vice. I was too addicted to her that when she told me it was over, when she wanted to sever her ties with me, it felt like a comedown. It felt like the worst withdrawal ever, and I had dealt with patients with severe drug addictions. I knew how it went.
There were restlessness, nausea, and agitation. Pakiramdam ko malulunod ako. It felt fucking bitter. Suffocating. Anaphylaxis in the making.
I paid my dues for almost five years. I dealt with my withdrawal. I tried to convince myself I could do it without her.
But the moment I saw her, it was over. The craving was still there. The obsession remained the same, if not even stronger. She was the only one who could satiate me.
At one point, I thought the bad times were over.
But I was wrong.
So wrong.