Raina
******
I didn't attend yesterday's revel. I didn't even go to this morning's breakfast. I'd hidden in my room, safe from the troubles of the outside. Safe from my problems. Safe from Azure -- at least, in the physical sense. No amount of hiding could prevent the grip she had on my mind, like claws hooked into my brain. Every waking thought revolved around her.
I couldn't quite get over what had happened. It had been so fast, that kiss. It was as though I'd jumped off some sort of ledge and I'd still yet to hit the ground. I was still falling, still dreading for when that impact would finally shake my bones.
Part of me felt disgusted by it; that I'd allowed myself to give in to such a desire. But another part, a sinful part, kept replying the graze of her fingers over my skin, the way lips had set fire to mine. And with every memory came the butterflies, stirring to life in my stomach, only to be fanned away by disgust moments later.
But that wasn't the worst part. She was my mate. My True Mate. I'd hoped it was a dud at first, but I always knew it wasn't. Knew it from the moment I'd been brought back to life, when I'd looked into her eyes and my world exploded in sterling silvers and shining golds, and she'd been at the centre of it all. I thought I was in delirium. I thought there was no way I could have been mated to her, but our kiss the other day confirmed all my worst fears. We were mated to each other. I was mated to Azure.
And it terrified me. Terrified me almost as much as it thrilled me.
With an angry huff of breath, I shot up from my bed and stormed towards the door. I needed to go outside. I needed to escape all these niggling thoughts and stupid feelings. I needed to stop thinking about her.
I stepped outside into the halls, squinting at the midday light filtering through the windows. I welcomed the burning of my eyes, a pain to distract me from the one in my heart. With a grumbling stomach, I decided it best to make my way to the kitchens. I regretted my decision almost immediately when I passed by a small alcove, and a familiar voice called out to me.
"Raina?"
Shit.
I stopped dead in my tracks. I knew who it was before I pivoted to face her, and when her blue eyes met mine, several emotions passed through me -- shock, desire, dread. I felt similar emotions being echoed back to me moments later, and that's when I remembered I could feel everything she felt -- and vice versa.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
"Azure," I greeted, trying to keep my voice even. Part of me hoped she would stay seated and let me on my way, but when she shot up from the armchair, I realized that was not the case. I braced myself as she walked over to me.
"We need to talk."
My heart rate ticked up, and as she approached, I fought the overbearing urge to retreat. No, I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to talk about anything, but the look in Azure's eyes had me pinned to the spot. I couldn't move, and the way she was looking at me made it hard to think.
"Okay..."
"When did you find out?"
Sweat drenched my palms. Part of me wanted to play dumb and act like nothing had happened, but I knew better than that. "After the Delta struck me with that bolt. When I opened my eyes and saw you, it just... it just snapped in place. I though I was imagining it, but..."
I lowered my head, unable to finish the sentence. I couldn't say it out loud, but you're my mate.
She must have read as much on my face, for her brows knotted with hurt. Even so, the expression passed a moment later, her voice lethally soft as she asked, "And why didn't you tell me earlier, Raina?"
I shuddered at her tone, and for the first time in a long time, I was afraid of her. Not because she would hurt me physically. No, she'd never do that. My fear stemmed from knowing how easily she could pick me apart; make me surrender everything I knew right down to the bone, until every bit of me was laid bare for her to see. Every truth. Every lie. Every secret.
"Because I didn't think it meant anything. I didn't even know it was a bond at first. I thought it was delirium or low oxygen or... something. ."
Her eyes narrowed. "You're lying." She took a step forward as I took one back. "Stop with the word games, Raina. You knew what it was and yet you refused to acknowledge it. Why?"
I trembled as the words struggled to fight past my closing throat. "Because it can't be true, Azure," I whispered. "I can't be mated to you, and there's no way you're mated back to me. And yet... and yet here we are."
"Why can't it be true?" Azure snapped, but beneath her icy tone, I heard a wobble. A crack. A chink in the iron-clad armour she'd encased herself with. The walls were coming down, and I knew it was only a matter of time before my words turned them to rubble.
"Because I can't love another woman, Az. I'm straight. I've never liked girls and I never will."
"Then why did you kiss me?"
"It was a mistake!" My words cleaved the air like a whip, and a chilling silence ensued. Azure's eyes hardened, but it was too late to turn back now. "It was a damn mistake. I wasn't thinking properly. I... I felt nothing!"
"Lies. Stop lying to yourself, Raina. You wanted that as much as I did, I know you did!" Tears welled in the corner of her eyes. "When will you stop running from yourself? When will you stop running from me?"
"I'm not running. This is who I am, and this goddamn mate bond means nothing. Stop trying to pretend otherwise!"
Pain slammed me in the chest, and I stared at her. Her chin wobbled and her hands shook, and that sight alone felt like a dagger to my heart. For a moment, I wanted to drop the act and fold her into my chest. For a moment, I wanted to stop being so cold and allow my emotions to take over, as foolish as that may be. I hated seeing her cry like this. It hurt seeing her cry like this.
And yet, it was that hurt that allowed me to draw myself to my full height and level my gaze. My emotions screamed at me, telling me to stop, but I shoved them away. I smothered them with a wet cloth and allowed them to suffocate, because this was something that had to be done. It was something I had to do.
"What's your surname, Azure?"
Several beats of silence passed, and she just stood there, staring at me. Then, slowly, her eyes widened.
"No..." she muttered, voice laced with dread. "Nonono Raina, don't do this. You can't do this."
I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't bear to look at her like this, as though I were ordering her execution. "Name, Azure. Give it to me."
"No..." Her voice wobbled.
I opened my eyes, and instantly wished I hadn't. Azure's face was like paper, her eyes wide and locked on mine in plea. Pain speared through my chest again, but I pushed it aside. I had to do this. I had to put this stupid bond to bed.
I had to bury whatever we had, even if it was very much still alive.
"Azure. Give it."
"You're being mean, Rain!" She howled, clutching her sternum as thought it physically hurt. "You can't do this to me. To us. Not after everything we've been through. You can't destroy this bond!"
"I can, and I will."
"Why..."
"Because I don't love you, Azure. I can't, I won't, and I never will. Get that through your damn head!"
My words resounded through the air like a punch, and Azure stilled as though she'd been physically struck. Her eyes locked mine, and something in them shifted. I couldn't quite pin what it was, but it was as though she were really seeing me for the first time. I watched as something battled away behind them, and after a few beats of silence, resolve passed over her face. Pained revolve, as though her head was fighting her heart.
"Ula. My surname is Ula."
I swallowed and shut my eyes. I rushed the words out before I could re-consider. "I reject you, Azure Ula, as my mate."
A gasp sounded, and my eyes flew open. Azure dropped to her knees, hand clutching her heart as though it physically hurt. Her eyes were glossed over with both pain and tears, and when they met mine, the look that passed through them chilled me to the bone.
Resentment. Her eyes told me that, no matter what happened, she would never forgive me for this. Even with all the pain, heartache, and sadness roaring through her gaze at that moment, her resentment burned brighter than any star in the sky.
I shut my eyes and swallowed the inexplicable pain that came with the realization. But I'd done too much damage already. There was no point stopping now.
"Reject me, Azure. Do it."
She didn't answer me. After several beats of her sobbing and gasping, I opened my eyes. That look of resentment no longer burned in her gaze, but rather guilt did. She shook head, staring at me. I had to turn away.
"Do it. Get it over with."
"I thought I could but I... I... can't..." Her voice rolled with several shudders. "I'm sorry..."
Before I could do anything, she stood and took off down the hall. I was about to chase after her when an excruciating, crushing pain enveloped my chest, and I collapsed to the floor. I clutched my heart and heaved with sobs. If it was Azure's pain I was feeling, or my own, I couldn't tell. I didn't want to know. But as I laid there, curled up on the tiles with a throbbing heart and tear-drenched cheeks, I knew something for certain.
A sinking feeling. A hunch. A feeling that I'd just made a terrible, irreversible mistake.