魅力
9. alindog
— the ability to allure or charm.
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6:03 p.m. NIGHT #9.
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NOAH
"Would you rather... be happy in this lifetime, or given the ability to look for happiness in different lifetimes?" Yuuki asked as she popped a strawberry-flavored pocky inside her mouth.
The night was still young, with the sun's light now barely a sliver atop the city's skyline. The haziness of light blurring the darkness reflected a different kind of glow in her eyes, and it took everything in me to look away and ponder over her inquiry.
Both of us had found solace in front of the convenience store, sitting on the edge of the curb with merely Japanese snacks as our company — one that was specifically chosen by the wide-eyed girl beside me whose sweet tooth had won me over. We had decided to spend tonight in front the store as I had learned from our crusade around Hoppy Street from one food stall to another, that Yuuki was expected to report for night duty by 8:00 p.m. every Tuesdays and Thursdays; whilst Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays were her morning shift from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. — a bit of information that explained the dark circles under her eyes.
"Hmmm," I hummed in thought, thinking about a philosophical answer that could at least be on par with her odd, mind-boggling question. At the back of my mind though, I wondered about the other fascinating thoughts that roamed around her head-and whether this was a product of her being forced to mature early on, or a shower thought she had saved in case of a great conversation.
"Well, why tire yourself looking for happiness that is unsure in other lifetimes, when you can be given the chance to be happy in this lifetime?" I finally answered, turning to face her.
There was a glimpse of sadness that passed her eyes with my answer. In effect, I put down my hand that was holding a pocky, and frowned.
"What's wrong?"
But Yuuki merely shook her head, as if shaking the sadness away. Instead, she gave me a bright smile. "I was just thinking..." Her voice trailed off. "What if you can't be happy in this lifetime? Will you then look for it in other lifetimes?"
I let out a laugh. "I see we're getting really deep here and the night isn't even that late yet."
"I suppose I'm curious of what your answer would be." She confessed, twirling her pocky before looking up to meet me — eyes not leaving mine with her features all pointed towards me.
"Because I would." Yuuki said softly. "I would look for happiness in every lifetime if it meant..."
There was a snap, her pupils dilating as if in realization and she quickly turned her head away much to my dismay. I blinked rapidly as I too faced the other way in instinct.
"If it meant...?" I repeated, hoping that she might continue.
But instead, Yuuki once again shook her head and stood up abruptly to shake out the remnants of dust in her dress. She then reached out a hand to pull me up.
"I think my questions are getting out of hand. Let's walk around the city before my shift, shall we?" She smiled.
I stared at her hand before looking up to her. Of course, I had no other choice. I didn't want to force her to open up and say something she wasn't comfortable in revealing. But the way she left me hanging craved me for more. I wanted to know her inside out, memorize every single part of her, and know the crevices of her mind that made her... Yuuki.
"Sure," was the answer that left my lips as I grasped her hand, fingers ablaze — skin on skin — a feeling I will never get used to.
I guess I'll just have to ask her about her cliffhanger question some other night. I don't think we'll ever run out of long nights anyway. Evenings in Tokyo have always seemed longer compared to the day; more alive than what the sun had to offer.
With her hands clasped behind her back, and mine stuffed inside the chambers of my warm pockets, we strolled around the street in perfect harmony: our legs in perfect sync, the air lingering around us — teasing us, taunting us — and our shoulders brushing every now and then. I could feel the slight buzz of electricity that simmered every time our arms would bump. Maybe it was me, maybe I had been suddenly hyper-aware, but the mere thought that she was just inches away made my heart hammer. It was a different kind of overwhelming feeling that I was unsure what to do with.
The silence was unbecoming as we passed store after store, street vendors urging us to try out their delicacies, with other salesmen enticing us to enter the pubs.
"I'm assuming your aunt is your only family left?" She suddenly spoke once we had gotten away from a large man that had been persuading us to enter his seemingly-packed KTV bar.
"Yeah," I nodded, wondering why she'd ask that.
"That means less responsibility for you then." She nods back somberly. "What does it feel Noah? To be free?"
Yet another odd question.
I frown and think about it for a moment before speaking.
"Well, I'm not entirely sure I can be considered free." I chuckled, hearing a horn beep from the distance.
"Why so? You don't have any younger siblings or a sick mother to attend to." Yuuki muttered bitterly, softly kicking a pebble that stood in her way. "Not that I'm invalidating you of course. I just—I see you as... free. Well, freer than I could ever be."
I laughed.
"I don't think you can consider a young man haunted by his guilt and past as free." I say, my breath turning into smoke against the cold November air. "It's like this mind, this body of mine — they're prison bars, and the seventeen-year-old boy that I was before the accident, is trapped inside."
Silence.
"I'm sorry," she hung her head low. "I didn't mean—"
"It's fine." I said quickly. "It's just that I guess we experience things differently. But that doesn't mean my experience is worse than yours, or vice-versa. It's valid. Both are."
There was a look of awe, a flicker of admiration in her eyes as she stopped to study me. Her mouth was slightly agape, but upturned into a smile. "You give me more reason to admire you with every night we spend together." She laughs teasingly and I can't help but grin foolishly at her words, hanging my head low so that she wouldn't see how bad I've had it. We started walking once more, passing by the ever-familiar Shinkai's Toy Store.
"Oh look," I blurted out, the inner child in me gawking at the mini train station and car tracks that were featured by the glass window of the store. Barely, our reflections could be seen in the mirror: a boy and a girl who seemed to have known each other for lifetimes instead of just nine nights.
"Oh, my brother Yatoshi would always press his little face against this window." Yuuki gushed fondly in memory. "He'd do this—" She demonstrated, pressing her whole face and hands on the glass like a mime, earning a chuckle from me and judging looks from the passersby.
"—and say, 'one-chan I want that big fat train!' And I'll shake my head and pull him away before he could even cause a scandal." Yuuki grinned, finally removing herself from the glass.
"I mean, understandable." I laughed in amusement. "There's a toy shop back at home that looks exactly like this one, and I'd also beg my mother to buy me the whole train track station just so I could put my favorite bear on top of the toy train and watch it ride."
She laughed softly, so delicately, before looking at me with a melancholic smile.
"You miss the Philippines... don't you?" She asked quietly, and my cheery expression too had simmered down.
I looked back at the toy store in front of us, focusing on the outline of my reflection. For a split second, I saw my younger self in that very glass window, pleading for my mom to buy me the set. The image showed me tugging my mother's hand, trying to pull her inside the store. My stomach suddenly felt empty, and there was a longing ache that moaned from deep inside my core — though I couldn't pinpoint where exactly. It was like I was missing something, somewhere, someone.
"I do," I answered, swallowing hard. "But I don't think returning will do anything about the ache."
In a flash, memories of me passing by that toy store using my bicycle, soon came before me. It was like a supercut — the feeling of the wind against my face, the smell of summer heat and soil, the furious pedaling of my legs, and the rushing feeling of freedom.
"Sometimes, we think that we miss the place where we've once been, not knowing that what we truly miss are the people we've been with in that place, and the memories that came from it." I sighed, finally snapping back to reality and refocusing my attention not on my reflection, but on the lone porcelain doll that sat on the uppermost shelf of the display cabinet. The very same doll I've grown accustomed to in my days here in Tokyo. The same doll that reminded me of home.
"Wow, you could be a writer." Yuuki said in awe, staring into space as if memorizing the entirety of what I had just said; writing in down in fear of the mind failing, forgetting.
"I know there's a word for that feeling though," Yuuki thought out loud, rubbing her chin as her eyebrows flush together in deep concentration. A small smile ghosted my lips. She was so absorbing to look at. "Gosh, I know this word, I think it was hirae—"
"You know, the first time I saw you, I thought you looked like this doll." I grinned, still staring at her and interrupting her train of thought. Yuuki immediately stopped and hummed in question, turning her gaze to what I was pointing.
"She has your eyes, hair — everything." I said fondly.
Sure enough, Yuuki and the doll had the same features — short, straight and dark shoulder-length hair with a few wisps that framed their faces, cheeks with a soft reddish color, and lips that were a pale nude. They too had the same black, jet-set eyes, only differing in such that Yuuki's had life.
Nothing escaped the flecks in Yuuki's pupils. Everything — from the zigzag swirls, squiggles and lights you see when you shut your eyes tight, to the luminescent lights of Tokyo — reflected her black irises, making the rest of the world stand out in screaming color.
"I mean," she frowned, peering at the doll, still oblivious of her magnetic force and grip on me. "I guess I can see it?"
Her nonchalant remark amuses me, and this time, it's me who lets out a hearty holler that vibrates from my stomach, to my throat, and eventually tumbles out from my lips.
"What??" She asks in bewilderment. Does she not know that aside from the resemblance, she and the doll has no other similarities? Does she not know that the doll was simply there, but it was her that was fascinating — enthralling even.
"I have to say though, the doll is very utsukushi." Her voice is playful, almost borderline teasing; as if she is making fun of the doll and its similar appearance with her features.
As if she was ridiculing herself.
"Which I'm definitely not," she confirms my thoughts, and I stare at her in disbelief, but also in awe. Did she not see her own reflection in the toy store's clear glass? Does she not see the clear charm she possesses - the alluring different expressions she makes, the wrinkle of her nose, the curve of her lips when she smiles? How her skin resembles the smooth surface of porcelain, but the warmth of a burning flame? Or better yet, can she not hear the sound of her own laughter? How it drifts into the air like soft, tinkling bells it almost sounds like Christmas; or the fondness of her voice — gentle but firm, soft but telling — I could bottle it up in a seashell forever.
"Noah?" She whispers shyly, tucking in a strand of her hair that had been taken by the breeze, behind the arch of her ear.
Most importantly, does she not know the hold she has on me?
"Anata wa utsukushīdesu." The words spill out from my lips recklessly, making me freeze like a deer under headlights.
Fuck what have I done?
But before I could take it back and mutter an apology, the blush in Yuuki's cheeks turn a shade of red deeper that illuminates her skin. It is at that moment, I am immediately made aware of my falling — a fall that I anticipate to be harder than any accident I've ever been in.