I wake up all buried in Eddie's arms, my face in his chest. It's nice, and warm, but now that I'm awake and completely sober, it feels sort of weird. It makes me nervous. I feel like my heart is racing.
Eddie stirs, taking in a deep breath as he wakes slowly. He looks down at me, a sleepy smile spreading across his face.
"Hi..." His voice is all gravelly again, like last night. It gives me that warm feeling in my stomach again, but that also makes me feel more nervous. I don't understand, all these feelings are so confusing.
"Hey..." His eyes flutter shut again. He still seems so tired. I sit up a little, glancing at his clock. It's 9:30, and I'm sure his uncle's home by now. He's probably asleep, though. "When do you think... you'll head home today...?" Our eyes meet. His face is sort of puffy from just waking up.
"I'm not sure... I don't have anything to do, I'm off today..." He smiles a little.
"Maybe we can hang out some more..." I grin shyly.
"What would we do?" He shrugs, one of his hands on my hip. It plays with the hem of my shirt, giving me butterflies.
"Whatever we want... We could go to the arcade, maybe we can invite the kids... I'm sure they'd love to know we're hanging out again."
"I never really... told them we were friends before..." He looks slightly hurt, but seems to brush it off.
"Oh, yeah, no... That makes sense..."
"I'm sorry, Eds. You don't know how much I've wanted to, but... I-I felt like there wasn't a good way to explain why we weren't talking."
"I know. I know you're right." He still looks sort of upset.
"But hey," I place my hand on his side, making him look back up at me with his cheeks a little flushed. "I'd love to go and hang with them at the arcade or something. That would be a lot of fun." He smiles bashfully, nodding.
"Yeah... Should I go call them?"
"Sure... Oh, I'll need to drop home and get some clean clothes... I probably reek of weed..." He giggles.
"Steve, you can just borrow some of my clothes." Butterflies again.
"I-I don't know, the kids will definitely pick up on that." He shrugs.
"So what? You stayed the night unexpectedly, there's nothing wrong with borrowing clothes from me."
"You're right." I'm thinking too much into it. They're just clothes. I watch him climb out of his bed.
"Just pick whatever you want from my closet or dresser. I don't care." I can't help but stare as he takes his hair down, then running a brush through it. It must be all tangled from sleep, because he's having trouble getting the brush through it. But he's trying to brush it out from root to end. That's not right.
"Hey," I crawl out of bed, stepping up beside him. "let me help..." His cheeks are sort of pink as he hands me the brush. "It's better for your hair..." I say gently, starting to brush out the ends of his hair. "and much easier, I'd say... If you brush your hair out from the ends to the roots..."
"I'll keep it in mind..." I move up further, noticing his eyes are closed.
"Does it feel good?" I murmur.
"Yeah..." He nearly whispers. I smile to myself.
"I'm glad." I set the brush on his dresser. "Okay... All done." He shyly looks over his shoulder, slowly turning around to face me.
"Thanks. My hair's, like, always suuuper tangled when I wake up... It hurts to brush it out, so... hopefully that little tip of yours-" He says this while poking my chest. "-helps me out some." I smile softly, my cheeks sort of pink. I don't know why I'm blushing.
"Sure, o-of course..." He flusters me so easily now. I don't get it.
"I guess I should call Dustin... I'll be back in a few." I nod and watch him walk off into the kitchen. I sigh to myself and nervously pick through his dresser, trying to find something to wear that didn't totally scream "I'm wearing Eddie's clothes." But there wasn't a whole lot of that. It took ages for me to find a plain shirt, not a band shirt, or something with patches all over it. I managed to find a plain black tank top, cut like a muscle tank. Luckily the sides weren't too open. And he mostly has black or gray jeans, or plaid ones, but I find one single pair of blue jeans, still with rips in the knees. I stare at myself in his mirror once I'm dressed, messing with my hair over and over. I just don't think it looks right.
I can hear Eddie's voice from down the hall, even with his bedroom door shut. He can be quiet and soft, but he's usually loud and charismatic and funny. It's his charm. I wish more people saw it that way.
His footsteps boom back to his room after he hangs up, and I hear him knock gently.
"You decent, Harrington?" I'm still just standing in front of the mirror, trying to fix my hair, and needlessly picking apart every feature of my face.
"Yeah..." I say sort of quietly, and the door slowly swings open. He seems to sort of freeze by the door, and my eyes meet his as I look over at him. His cheeks are kind of red again, and he's just looking at me. His eyes keep slowly scanning me, up and down, 'til I softly say his name. "Eddie?" His eyes snap back to mine, and a sort of nervous grin spreads across his face.
"Yeah?" I smile slightly, furrowing my brow a bit.
"What'd Dustin say?" He runs a hand through his hair, pulling up a small handful of it to cover his mouth.
"Oh, uh... Yeah, he said we could pick them up at Mike's around 11." He seems shy.
"Okay, cool." It still feels like he's staring, but it feels like more than staring. His eyes are burning into me. "You should get changed... I've got to use the bathroom, anyways."
"Yeah, right."
"Do you... possibly have a spare toothbrush?" I grin pleadingly.
"Um... You can check under the sink, or in the medicine cabinet... I'm not sure."
"Okay. No big deal if not. Thanks." He presses his back against the door as I step out to the bathroom.
I'm lucky enough to find an unopened toothbrush in the medicine cabinet, so I pee, brush my teeth, and wait outside Eddie's bedroom for a few minutes as he changes.
"Eds?" I knock after a few more minutes, wanting to be extra sure I don't barge in. "Can I come in?"
"Mhmm..." He hums, and I'm sort of taken aback as I open the door and find him shirtless.
"O-Oh, I'm sorry, you said—"
"It's cool. I'm only shirtless." I feel like I'm staring. My face feels so hot. He's gotten so many tattoos. Oh God, I'm definitely staring. My stomach feels all warm again. "Come in and close the door, would you? I'm still changing..." I nod and apologize over and over under my breath as I push the door shut. I stand around nervously, trying to look at anything but Eddie. He's just giving me butterflies again.
I can't figure it out. I don't know why I feel this way, or what to do about it. Like, I was practically turned on just looking at him when I walked in. I just don't get it. I've only felt this way about girls, and I mean, if I thought hard enough about it right now, I know I'd still feel that way about girls. I haven't just suddenly become gay. What is going on with me?
Okay, I can have my identity crisis another time, I think as I spot Eddie tying his hair up into a messy bun. My heart is racing. He's pretty, like a girl. Fuck. I swallow hard as my eyes drift down his body. He's put a shirt on now, a snug fitting Anthrax shirt that's tucked into a pair of red slacks that he'd sewn a bunch of patches onto. I watch him finish the outfit off with a black belt. My mouth feels dry. Holy shit. He turns around to me, smiling and batting his eyelashes a little.
"Do I look okay?" My mouth is hanging open a little as I look up at him. I nod quickly.
"Of course..." He glances at his alarm clock.
"We've got some time to kill..." He says gently, looking back at me with a devious smile. "Let me paint your nails." I blush softly, furrowing my brow.
"What? No way." He pouts, which immediately hits me in a soft spot.
"Please? I'm good at it, and I think it'd look good on you..." My face gets pinker. I can't say no to him.
"Fine..." I say with a sigh, watching him grin widely. He steps over to his dresser and picks up a bottle of black nail polish. He sits in front of me, and something about him looking up at me from that position makes my stomach feel warm again. Ugh.
Eddie takes one of my hands gently, holding it in his as he starts painting my nails. I try not to think it, but his hands are nice. They look kind of bare without his rings.
It's weird to see how grown up he's become. It maybe sounds stupid, but I don't know, we were still kids when we met. We've changed so much now, in a lot of different ways, but seeing him now compared to, like, 7th grade Eddie is just... crazy. His hair's down to his shoulders, he's got tattoos, he's sort of buff... Wow, okay. I'm just thinking anything.
"Lost in thought...?" Eddie's voice is quiet, his eyes flickering between my face and my hand. He's already finished the first coat on my left hand. I blink, looking down at my lap.
"Uh, yeah, I guess so." He furrows his brow a little, gently placing my hand down onto my knee.
"You okay?" He says softly, now holding my right hand. My eyes dart between his.
"I'm just... yeah. Just feeling confused about myself, a little." I confess, but still stay sort of secretive. I don't want him to know the kinds of things I'm thinking about him.
"We can talk about it if you want, Steve..." He starts with the other hand now, still occasionally glancing up at me.
"It's okay. It's not a big deal."
"Are you sure? Because really, I'll listen to—"
"I-I just don't really want to talk about it." I immediately regret interrupting him. "I'm sorry. Thank you for offering." He nods a little.
"I just... don't want you to feel like you're alone, Steve. I'm always here. And I'll listen to anything." I smile shyly.
"Thanks, Eds. I'll keep it in mind." He grins up at me, his cheeks all red.
"I like when you call me that." He says gently, which makes me smile wider.
"Good to know." He looks down at my hands.
"One more coat on each hand and you should be good..." I nod.
"Cool..." My eyes dart around his face. His bangs frame his face so nicely when his hair is up. And he looks nice when he's so focused on something like this.
It doesn't take much longer before Eddie's all done, now holding both my hands and blowing on my nails to dry them.
"I think it looks nice..." He says quietly, his eyes meeting mine.
"Yeah, it's cool." He keeps blowing on my nails. He has nice lips. God, it feels like every thought I have about him, I spiral further into confusion. I don't understand. "Can I... ask you a stupid question?" I say, my voice sort of hushed. On the off chance his uncle is awake, I probably don't want him to hear this.
"Of course." He gently puts my hands on my knees, looking up at me with a small smile.
"How, um... How'd you know you were... gay? Or... gay adjacent, I guess..." He laughs through his nose, leaning back on his hands.
"Um... Probably realized it when I was having... lots of feelings and thoughts about you in middle school. I think I realized it a lot earlier than when I kissed you, but... I was, like, 13... I didn't know what to do or how to handle that." He draws a long sigh. "So, y'know, abruptly kissing my best friend and promptly ending our friendship was the best move." He gives me a sarcastic grin, but I look down. "I'm sorry, too much...?"
"No, I just... You didn't end the friendship, Eds. That was my fault." He shrugs.
"I think we're both at fault. But it's okay," He says as he pushes himself off the ground. "'cause we're beeeessst friendsssss now, aren't we?" He leans down close to my face, making me blush hard and just stare up at him. I crack a shy smile.
"Yeah, yeah..." He's so close, I think he'll kiss me again. But he doesn't, he just stands back up and tucks his hands in his pockets.
"Be careful with your nails for a bit, okay? They smudge easier than you think, even when you think they're dry..." I nod, staring at my nails as he speaks to me. I can't stop thinking about kissing him. Fuck, I don't fucking understand!
I swallow hard, choking back tears. I hear Eddie ask me if I'm okay, and I barely manage to squeak out a quiet 'mhm' before mumbling something about the bathroom and pushing myself out of his room. My hands shake as I lock the bathroom door behind me. I melt to the floor with my back to the door, placing my hands over my face and sobbing silently.
I just don't understand any of this. I know, I know, I can't shut up about not getting it, but I just don't. I don't know how one dude can change my entire perspective on my sexuality. I'd always been sure — 100,000% sure — that I was straight. But as soon as I'm with Eddie again for longer than just a few minutes at the Family Video, I find everything about him alluring.
I wonder if I'm just making myself think like this. Like, the last time we really saw each other before yesterday was when he kissed me. Maybe the feeling is just kind of stuck in my head, and I wonder what it'd be like to kiss him now. Now that I've had a lot more practice, and maybe he has, too. That sounds like an excuse. Fuck, that's definitely an excuse.
"Fuck," I whisper to myself, looking around for some way to express my frustration without smudging my stupid fucking nails. But I hear Eddie knock quietly on the door, which makes me sort of jump and snaps me out of my thoughts.
"You okay, Steve? That was just... kind of sudden..." I sniffle quietly, quiet enough I hope he can't hear me.
"Yeah, just... really had to pee..." He doesn't say anything, but I can feel him on the other side of the door.
"Okay. I'm gonna make breakfast for myself... You want anything to eat?" I'm not sure if I could eat right now. I just feel sick with myself.
"Um... Maybe just toast, I'm not too hungry..."
"Okay. Let me guess... Butter and grape jelly?" I smile to myself, wiping tears from my face.
"Yeah."
"I've got you all figured out, Harrington." At this point, I completely believe that. All the staring I seem to be doing today, he's probably totally noticed. How could he have not?
"Apparently." I nervously run a hand through my hair, then finally working up the nerve to push myself up off the floor of the bathroom. I stare at my puffy, red face in the mirror, biting my lip a little. I feel like an idiot. I look like an idiot. I don't know why I'm overthinking this. I mean, I'm attracted to him, but does it have to mean something? Can't I just, like... appreciate a hot guy? That doesn't sound right, does it?
I splash cold water on my face, rubbing my hands down my cheeks and sighing to myself. I need to snap out of it. I need to just enjoy my time with him.
But that was kind of hard. Breakfast, the drive to pick up the kids, and the drive to the arcade were quiet and nervous on my end. Whenever he said something, I just felt tense and scared to respond. I don't want to make the way I'm feeling obvious, but at this point, I think it's sticking out like a sore thumb.
"You're awfully quiet..." Eddie murmurs to me as we watch Lucas play Dragon's Lair. Dustin's been trying to fuck him up the whole time. I shrug.
"I'm just watching the kids." I can feel him looking at me.
"You've been quiet since breakfast, Steve, I just want to make sure you're feeling okay." I glance over at him, turning my eyes down to my shoes.
"Yeah, I'm just tired." He nods a little, looking sort of sad.
"Okay." He nudges my side with his elbow, making me look up at him. "Tell me if I'm doing something to, like... upset you or something, okay? I don't... I don't want to do that." I furrow my brow, briefly averting my attention to the kids as they yell at the game. They're still completely glued to it.
"Eds, you're not doing anything wrong." He gives me a small, sort of sad smile.
"Thanks, Stevie." My face flushes softly, which makes him smile a little wider, but he tries to hide it.
"Damn it! Dustin, you ruin it for me every time!" Lucas seems pissed, so I turn and face them. Him and Dustin are sort of nudging each other around.
"Hey! Enough," I grab the backs of their t-shirts, and they immediately disarm. "just go play something else. Mike's turn. Try and get along for one game." I push them toward Galaga, and they roll their eyes, but obey. So we all step over to the machine, and Dustin creeps up beside me. Eddie's closer to the other kids now, leaning against the side of the machine and watching intently as Mike takes a shot at it. He looks pretty in the glow of the screen.
"Why are you wearing Eddie's clothes?" Dustin murmurs to me, giving me a suggestive grin. I furrow my brow, pushing his shoulder.
"Get your mind out of the gutter, Henderson."
"I didn't even know you two were friends." He seems to tease. I hate being grilled like this. I could cave any second under this pressure.
"We haven't been for a while. We just hung out last night, and I stayed the night." I shrug, facing the game again. My eyes keep flickering toward Eddie.
"Not for a while? You were before?"
"Yeah, in, like, middle school." Dustin's eyes are burning into me interrogatively.
"Tell me more." I look down at him, my look stern.
"There's not a whole lot to tell. Now, I'm trying to watch your friend play Galaga." He puts his hands up defensively, wandering off to stand beside Lucas.
It's not long before Eddie's challenging me to a game. And when I tell him I'm bad at arcade games and don't want to, he calls me a chicken. So of course, my incredibly competitive side makes it so I have to play with him.
He lets me watch him play first, so I know what to do. But I keep getting distracted, and I'm barely paying attention to how to play. I can't stop looking at his hands as he plays, the way his left hand gripped the joystick, and his right methodically pressed the buttons. His hips are tilted against the machine, pushing closer to it every time he came even close to being hurt in the game. My heart was racing, and my stomach is warm and full of butterflies.
"You think you got it?" Eddie sort of mutters as he's still focusing intently on the game. He's sticking his tongue out. He's always done this a lot when he's focused hard on things.
"Um... Uh, yeah." My attention snaps back to the screen, and I actually watch him play now. I'm definitely gonna be terrible at this. He's so good at everything he does, I don't know how I could compare. Ugh, my heart is racing again.
"Fuck... Fuck!" His game is over, and he slaps the base of his palm against the machine. "Damn it. I usually last way longer..." I laugh through my nose, bumping him out of the way with my hips.
"Probably not the best way to word that." He blushes a little, rolling his eyes.
"Shut up, ass. Take your turn..." He stares over my shoulder, all close to me and practically hanging on me. He has both his hands on the machine, but his left arm is almost wrapped around my waist, the way he has his hand planted. I can sort of feel his breath on my neck as I start the game. Oh, God.
I'm tense the whole time I play, just barely dodging attacks from the aliens. But I manage to last a while, and every so often, I feel Eddie's eyes on me. I somehow am able to last longer than he did, and I beat him.
"No way!" He shouts, making me laugh.
"Yes way. You—" I poke his chest. "owe me a pizza." He scoffs, grabbing my wrist and pulling it down.
"We never agreed on that!" He's still holding my wrist as he speaks.
"I let you paint my nails. You owe me." He sighs, rolling his eyes.
"Ugh, fine." He looks down at his hand, blushing a little when he realizes he's still holding onto me. He looks up at me nervously, and I smile slightly.
"It's okay." His eyes dart between mine.
"Steve," Dustin patters over to us, and Eddie and I both quickly take our hands back. "we need more quarters." I furrow my brow.
"Don't you have, like, a job or something yet? You don't have your own quarters?"
"We did. Then we ran out." He holds his hand out to me, and I sigh heavily, digging through my pockets for change. I count out three quarters, then dig through my wallet, and find a few more.
"There. A dollar-fifty. Go nuts." I slap them into his hand, and he runs back off immediately. "I feel like their parent sometimes." Eddie laughs through his nose.
"Tell me about it. Hellfire is like a babysitting club with them sometimes." I smile to myself. Thinking about that is kind of sweet.
"What if I came by sometime?" His face looks sort of red.
"Hellfire? I don't know, it's probably not your thing." I shrug, tucking my hands in my pockets.
"It doesn't really matter. I'd come to see you." His face grows redder, and I realize the way that came out. "A-And the kids." Eddie cracks a grin, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Nice save, Harrington." My cheeks are pink.
"Shut up, Munson."
The kids tire of all the games around 2pm, so we all pile into the car and I drive them back to Mike's house. They thank me as they exit the car, but only after Eddie leans back some and snaps at them.
"Hey, you guys not gonna thank Steve for picking you up and babysitting you?
"You offered to hang out, Eddie." Dustin spits, and Eddie's voice raises some.
"I don't care! Gas ain't cheap, Dustybun!" Dustin's face is almost red with anger and embarrassment at the name.
"Fine. Thanks." His thanks are laced with irritation as he crawls out of the car. Mike and Lucas are much more polite, with just quick and quiet 'thank yous' as they shuffle out behind Dustin.
"Where to, Eds?" I say as the back door shuts, and he looks back at me.
"I dunno. I'm sleepy."
"Already? It's not even 2:30." He shrugs.
"I usually sleep a lot later on the weekends. And during the weeks, I always nap when I get home from school." I hum.
"I can drive you home. Let you go take a nap. If you're that tired, I'm sure you need it." He just shrugs again, toying with one of his rings. "Do you want to go home?"
"Yeah, that's cool." But it seems like he's lying. I push the parking brake down, then tapping his knee a little. His eyes drift up to mine.
"Let's go get burgers. Yeah? Then maybe I can drop you off." A shy smile spreads across his face.
"Okay."
I drive us to the nearest McDonald's. Eddie's put in a tape for us to listen to, some metal album he likes. I wasn't sure which band it was. He'd fished it out of his backpack and placed it in my cassette player, and told me "you need to listen to this" as he pressed play. It was cool. Metal's not really my thing, but... I guess that can change.
We sit in the parking lot after we get our food, and Eddie seems sort of frustrated with me. He was acting all stubborn in the drive through, telling me I didn't need to pay for his and he would be fine, but I insisted. I think he's still pouty.
But I quickly figure out how to make him feel at least a little bit better, as I see him smudge ketchup and mustard right beside his mouth with the first bite of his burger.
"Hey," I say softly, and he turns to face me. "you've got... some ketchup..." My heart's beating so fast, but I've committed to this, at this point. Why the fuck not.
I cup his jaw a little with my right hand, gently swiping the condiments off his cheek with my thumb. My hand lingers for a second, before I pull it back and suck the ketchup and mustard off my thumb. His face is bright red, and his chest is rising and falling pretty fast. Yeah, I'd say that sufficiently cheered him up. And maybe turned me on.
"Um, I..." He stammers, looking down at his burger and chewing on his bottom lip. "Thanks..." There's a tinge in my heart, and I'm sort of worried I overstepped.
"I'm sorry, was that too much, Eds?"
"No, no, I... am just... sensitive at times..." I nod a little, taking a bite from my burger.
"Well, me too... That's okay... It's normal." He shrugs, taking small bites.
"Yeah. I guess so."
"Hey," He seems to hesitate, but he looks over at me. "I'm serious. It's okay to be sensitive. Y'know, it's kind of better." A little smile tugs at his lips as he listens to me speak, and watches me wipe my fingers and my mouth clean with a napkin. "Like, I don't know why there's such a... weird thing... with, like, guys and being emotional. What's with that? A dude can't cry every once in a while?"
"Then would you tell me why you were crying in the bathroom this morning?" My heart drops, and I swallow hard. I furrow my brow, trying to brush it off.
"What do you mean?" He stuffs a couple french fries in his mouth.
"I mean, I'm kind of dumb, but... I'm not deaf, Steve. You were either crying, or fucking yourself. And something tells me you wouldn't just do that in my bathroom." My eyes flicker down to the console between us. I feel sort of sick.
"I don't know, Eds... Just a lot going on..."
"I get that, Steve. I just... I wish you'd be honest with me. Tell me these things, man. I want to be there for you. I want to listen to everything you have to say, even if you think it sounds stupid or overwhelming or... whatever! I just... Please, Steve, talk to me... I want to be your best friend again..." He confessed to me, and I watch his face dampen with sadness. I feel terrible that I've made him feel like this. Again.
"I'm sorry, Eddie..." He looks up from the food in his lap.
"I'm not mad or upset with you, Steve. I just want you to talk to me, honey..." I blink a lot, my cheeks all red. I would not have expected him to call me that. "You can... tell me if that doesn't feel right." I shake my head.
"No, no... It's okay..." He smiles to himself.
"I'm not asking you to confess everything you feel to me right now, okay? Just... Please, keep it in your head that I am here to talk to you. You can call me literally any time, day or night. Wake me out of my fucking sleep, Steve. I don't want you to feel alone." I try to blink tears away, but they push too hard at my eyes, and I feel a couple run down my cheeks. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry..." I shake my head, sniffling and blushing as he cups my face a little. He looks around a little to see if anyone is watching or nearby. It's a small town. Rumors spread fast.
He wipes one of my tears away with his thumb, and I nuzzle against his hand a little. The cold metal of his rings gives me a slight chill, but it's comforting. It's Eddie.
I feel reluctant to take Eddie home. We've spent so much time together, and he's tired, and I know we just need to part ways, but it doesn't feel right.
But against my wishes, I pull up in front of his trailer and pull the parking brake up. He sighs to himself, grabbing his backpack and slinging it over his shoulder.
"Thanks for bussing me around, Stevie." I fight the blush from my cheeks.
"Of course..." He smiles shyly, seeming to hesitate with getting out. He pulls the handle and pushes the door open, but he stops himself before he climbs out.
"Steve?" He says gently, looking back at me so our eyes meet. Before I can respond, he leans in and cups my cheek like before, and kisses my other softly. My heart is beating so fast the whole time, and it feels like it only gets faster as he just lingers there.
But he pulls away, and gets out of the car, and waves to me as he pushes the door shut. I raise my hand to wave but barely can, instead I just watch him run up the stairs to his trailer.
My car ride home was filled with nothing but silence and the tape Eddie had forgotten to grab from my stereo. I felt like I was still blushing, like my heart was still racing. At this point it was beating out of my chest.
I couldn't stop thinking about the feeling of his hands and his lips on my cheek, and about the feeling of his breath on my face.
It doesn't leave my mind for the rest of the day, not while I ate dinner by myself in front of the TV, or when I took my shower, or when I tried to go to sleep.
Fuck.