⚠️TW:⚠️ insecurities, panic attack, self-harm
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Nova eventually gave up on reaching her hair and resorted to clinging to her duvet which was currently covering her stomach and legs. I figured she maybe didn't have anything on, she was about to go to bed anyway. Maybe she was insecure about her stomach, I couldn't know. Either way, I didn't think much of it.
As I went to stroke her back gently, she flinched away from me again, and another loud sob echoed through the room. "I-I',m sorry!" "It's okay honey, keep breathing for me okay?" I started kissing her head when I noticed a little bald spot. Was it a bald spot? I had never seen it before.
Nova was too occupied with trying to calm down to notice. Her scalp was slightly red, indicating that it was new. "Honey, can I see your hands really quick?" I asked her, and she looked up at me. "Y-Yeah, sure", she croaked out, reaching her hands out for me to inspect.
"What's wrong?" Nova asked me. "Did you pull out any hair just now?" I asked, not finding any hair in her hands or on the duvet. "N-No?" She said with a wavering uncertainty to her voice. "Are you sure?" I asked, now looking her in the eyes.
Her eyes were trained on her lap. She couldn't look at me. She knew something. I knew not to push too hard, today had been hard on her. I gently turned her around so that she was sitting in front of me.
"Can you look at me honey?" I asked. She shook her head as a tear dropped down into her lap. "Please, I need you to answer this honestly okay?" She seemingly took a deep breath before looking at me with those beautiful blue eyes of hers.
"There you go...", I smiled. "Now tell me... where did this bald spot come from if you didn't get it just now? It looks new, your skin is red", I said softly, wanting her to know I wasn't mad at her.
"Why do you care", Nova mumbled. "Because I care about you and you mean a lot to me. I don't want to see you in pain, and if there is something I can do to lessen it, I will", I told her with a steady voice.
"When did you get it?" I asked again, refraining from saying "When did you make it". Nova shrugged. "I'm pretty sure you know darling..."
"I-In the bathroom okay?!" Nova finally spat out, a new stream of tears leaving her eyes. "After your shower?" I asked and she nodded. "Do you want to tell me what stressed you out enough to pull your hair out?" I asked softly, not wanting to pressure her too much.
I wanted to know, but I understood I had to take this at her pace. "I-", she started. She was going through an internal battle. Some voice in her head was stopping her from telling me. It seemed like a pretty big thing, something that was hurting her.
She shook her head firmly. Looks like the voice in her head won. "That's okay, but if it's something that's hurting you, I want to know okay? I don't like seeing you hurt. I want to help you", I said softly.
Nova's pov:
She can't know.
She doesn't care about me.
Why is she even here right now?
I shook my head firmly. Lizzie's eyebrows furrowed. "That's okay, but if it's something that's hurting you, I want to know okay? I don't like seeing you hurt. I want to help you", she told me softly.
Yeah right.
That's the most bullshit answer I've ever heard.
Listen.
SHE.
DOESN'T.
CARE.
Ok?
Got it?
Good.
Yes she does.
No.
Yeah she does! Right?
"You should sleep honey. Do you want me to stay?" Lizzie asked me. Believe me, I wanted her to. But I had been weak. I had quite literally broken down in front of her. I knew my night was going to be filled with nightmares and little sleep, she didn't need to know about that.
"It's okay", I whispered, not very confidently. "You sure?" Lizzie asked and I nodded, once again not meeting her gaze. "Okay, I'll be in my room if you need me, don't hesitate to wake me up okay?" Another nod.
"You have no idea how much I love you. I already see you as my own, and I certainly love you as that. I know you don't trust me, or Robbie for that matter, but I'll spend as long as it takes for you to do so. I'll never leave you. You're not going back there. You're safe darling", was the last thing Lizzie said to me before kissing my head, standing up, turning the light back off and leaving me to "sleep".
Well, let's just say sleep didn't work so well. I laid awake for what felt like hours, tossing and turning. When I finally got an ounce of sleep, I was rudely awoken by a nightmare.
I shot up in bed with a scream.
It's not real.
It's not real Nova.
For god's sake, calm down!
It was just a dream!
My breathing was short and panicked, and I wasn't sure of my surroundings. Had I woken someone up? I hope not. The last thing I need is someone being awoken by me being a pussy.
I tried looking around the room and recognizing things to help me calm down. That didn't work all that well. Everything was new. Nothing was where it used to be at the orphanage. The wardrobe was on the wrong side. The window was weird.
The only familiar thing in the room was the outline of the picture frame I knew I had put on the desk. My breathing wasn't getting any better, so on shaky legs, I made my way out of bed and to the desk to retrieve it.
I basically crashed into bed in tears, both due to the raging pain in my legs and my panicked state. Wow. I'm a mess. I covered myself up as best as I could, as someone might come in if I woke them.
Deep breaths Nova.
Look at the picture.
Everything is fine.
She's in heaven.
She's happy.
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Heyyoooo
How are we doing' today?
My friend came over for a sleepover, so we had a lot of fun. She's moving away, so we're trying to make the best of the time we have :)
Make sure you stay safe and take care of yourself. My messages are ALWAYS open if you wanna talk about anything and everything <3
Love, Frida xx