Mom
Your mom, dammit! Unless she's a hooker, druggie or..a table (?), moms are pretty much the best humans you'll ever meet!
Who gave you those 50 bucks to go buy booze for your date with Cindy? (Or Brad if you're a female..). Well it sure in hell wasn't that neighbor cat who hisses at you every time you walk by! Mom gave you that money! And why didn't she buy you that 10 pounds of hard candy?? It's not cuz she doesn't like you! It's cuz she didn't want you to end up a fatty Mcfatterson like your stupid neighbor, Allan! And last of all, she was the one who carried you around for several freaking months before you popped out of her anus!
................. T-that's how it works, right..? (I'm not that good at biology, god dammit..)
So next time you're about to nag at her, don't! Go up to her and be like: Yo Mom, Imma give you a big hug!
.. Unless she's dead. Don't dig her dead corpse up, that's-... I'm pretty fucking sure that's illegal.
Best friend
The best friend, boy or girl is always gonna be one of your favorite humans on earth. Sure, maybe they laughed at you that one time when you were gonna dress up as Link for halloween, but you just turned out looking like a slightly homosexual elf. But come on, you would do the same.
Best friends are the ones who's gonna put up with your annoying and depressing attitude when you go through your emo phase, they're gonna listen as you talk shit about Stacy, and they're the ones who drive you home after you had five bottles of beer.
Neighbor
You know, if you commit suicide. Frekkin neighbor Allan.. Is gonna get blamed for it. I promise, I know from experience (...). And we all know that there's nothing worse than being both accused of a 13 year olds suicide AND being fat. That's the worst combo ever. Trust me.
Why would he get blamed you ask? Well, if you decided to hang yourself in the closet, fatass Allan is gonna- yeah, I really don't know what I'm talking about, just be nice to your neighbor, alright?? He helped you get rid of all that snow last winter, eh?
But now you're probably like: But authoooooooor! (That's how you sound), my neighbors a dick! Well, that's even better! Who's gonna be playing pranks on him if you're not around?! The cat?? I don't fucking think so! TP his house and then take a shit on his lawn.
Chance of him calling the cops: 100%
That guy you see at the bus stop
We all know him. When we're going to school in the morning. He's always there. You never talk to him, but he's there. You don't know where he gets off, but he goes on the same bus as you.
..... *hyper idea*
Oh, oh oh! What if he's a spy following you around! A-and he's always following you, but you never notice him! What if he's a part of a secret organization that fights evil and prevents the human race from getting wiped out AND YOU'RE THE ONLY HUMAN THAT POSSES A SPECIAL SUPER POWER THAT PROTECTS THE UNIVERSE AND HE'S GUARDING YOU WITH HIS LIFE CUZ IF YOU DIE THE ENTIRE GALAXY IS GONNA EXPLODE!!!!
*gasp*...... Omg.
Smartass Steven
... Everyone knows Smartass Steven. Who's the one you cheated off of when your Bff's calculations looked like chicken scratch? Yep, he saved you. When the teacher was gonna ask you about that one thing, but you didn't listen or give a single shit about what she was saying? He raised his hand in front of you, answered flawlessly, and you didn't have to look like a retard in front of the class.
Remember when you had that quiz where you competed with the other classes? Steven was getting all the mothertrucking questions right, wasn't he? You just sat back and relaxed with your friends as the teacher went: What's the answer to 27843&&3;:5&&?/!?269kr2 divided into 2578&kr/:!&@):((33/34 plus 89?
And he's like: 7.
Teacher: THAT IS CORRECT!!!
*class wins a million dollars and tickets to
Obama's funeral*
..... Well, that's how I felt, anyway.
The whiner
This has to be my favorite. Alright, so this bitch is the most annoying piece of shit you'll ever meet. I mean, you literarily wanna tare your skin off every time you see them. But, when they finally leave. You go: Wow. My life is much better than hers.
You thought your life was fucking horrible until you met her!
Monday, she comes to school like: MY BUTTHOLE IS NUMB!
Tuesday it's: MY DAD WON'T BUY ME A FREAKING JET!
Wednesday rolls around: I LOST MY PHONE!
Thursday is like: I LOST MY KEYS!
And Friday: I LOST MY LITTLE BROTHER!
And when the weekend comes, you think to yourself: I'm glad I'm not her.
Your stalker
You don't think we have stalkers? Pfft, I bet we all do! They're constantly hacking into your google account and going through your questionable search histories, or sitting behind you in that coffee shop, eating a donut while making creepy eye contact with everyone.
And you know that weird number on your phone that you never bothered to call? Yeah, it's him, I bet.
He's obsessed with you, in fact, his whole LIFE is based around you! If you go bye bye, he's gonna probably go as well. And you know what that is?
It's fucking murder.
...
Well, to me it is.
Some may find it creepy to have a stalker that could possibly kidnap you, but think of it in this way: You should be happy that someone finds you so amazing that they're willing to take the risk of getting thrown into jail just to follow your spoiled ass around instead stupid Sandra from math class! (I bet it's your neighbor.)
Supermarket guy
The only words you exchange are: Hi!
But you still like him the most, since all the others who work there kinda looks like Santa Claus impostors or pedophiles. You know he's nice cuz he's the only one who doesn't give you the "are you really gonna fit all of that in your stomach, fatty?" look every time you buy three packs of chocolate.
This is what happens every time
You: *walks into the store* Pffft, buy milk.. Fuck that, I'm gonna snort baby powder.
And then you go to the freaking checkout or whatever it's called all like: I'm not an underaged mother, I swear.
And then that asshole, Bernard is like:... *calls 911*
But that one supermarket guy. He's in on your secret.
You walk up to him with that nervous "I just peed myself" smile, and he responds to you like: It's alright. I know you snort baby powder.
... And then you just walk away. And no one got arrested.
The teacher
Hey, remember when you were fingering yourself or some shit instead of paying attention to the teacher, and then he asked you something, and everything going through your head was like:..... I REALLY need to use the toilet.
And then you get extra class and everyone just diagnose you with ADHD, Ebola and cancer cuz they just assume you're fucking retarded? ...
Alright, maybe that just happened to me.
But the point is, that there's always that one teacher that knows you're really lazy and stupid. They don't pick you to answer the question cuz they know you're gonna embarrass yourself in front of everyone. Then they wink at you and pick Allan to answer the god damn question!
(I-... *sighs* I'm running out of names god dammit)
..
Oh, and.. Then you can laugh at Allan cuz he probably had a worse answer than you.
Your friend's friend
You love your best friend. But when they're not around cuz they "got the flue" OR they got murdered, brutally by someone unknown (shhh, don't tell anyone. I'll find your house), it's good to have someone else to be with! Your best friend's friend is usually someone you don't want to be with WHEN your best friend is there cuz they probably have like secret references that only they get, it kinda looks like this:
You: So, what you wanna do, guys?
BFF: I don't know, maybe go outside?
BFF's friend: Or we go... Into the walrus!
Them: PFFFFFT EHEHAHAHAHAHAHA
You:..... What.
BFF: Alright- HAHAHAHAHA- It's like.. This one time we were walking through THE PLAYGROUND AND- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
BFF's friend: Nah, man- HAHAHAHAGAGAGAGA- you.. You wouldn't get it, man
Them: GAGAGAHAHAHAGAGA
You: GOD DAMN WALRUS *violently breathes in their faces*
...
Yeah, I don't-... I don't know what that was. I don't even.. Think there was a point of this last one. Eh.. This is awkward. But. This happened. I happened. You happened. *strokes your back, awkwardly*...Shhhh, Don't tell your parents. Just get in my van.
Fuck, I gotta do ten more of these categories... Ugggggggggahuga. *snorts illegal shit*