July 31, 2020
This is my very first irl for this series 🥹 It's not essential to read but definitely gives A LOT of insight into their relationship. It goes back and forth between the present, and different memories Béatriz has. It's very long so buckle up 🤭
Being home in Pennsylvania is so refreshing. The fresh scent of the trees surrounding the house for acres and acres are stunning. The Jasmine and Lilac flowers are planted right below my room and when just the right breeze blows, the scent will drift through my open windows into my room surrounding the place. I even love the things my siblings hate, like being awakened to my dad mowing the lawn. Something about that sound deserves to be on the soundtrack for summer.
Waking up early has never really bothered me if it was for taking care of the farm. Ines would be complaining the whole time while we put our boots on over our pajamas with our messy hair from just waking up. My mom was brewing coffee and she would join us later after she was done watering the flowers, something I loved tagging along to do.
I would run to the barn so I could be the first to feed Sweetheart. The cow we named because she has cute little hearts all over her. The only one I seemed to have competition with was Blaise. While everyone else was still trying to wake up taking their slow steps up to the barn he would be right on my tail making sure I knew it wasn't just me.
He loves Sweetheart just as much as I do. When we were younger we'd be up in the fields for hours just talking with her. Blaise swore she knew what we were saying, and I played along.
A key memory I remember that includes all the little things I love is when I was ten and sick, all my siblings had to go feed the animals while I got to sit on the front porch swing reading Charlotte's Web with my mom. I could smell the flowers and the brewing coffee and hear Blaise laughing with Sweetheart like she told him the funniest joke (probably the interrupting cow one).
My dad was mowing the lawn so every time he was by our side of the house we would stop reading and look at each other like it was the most annoying thing in the world but I secretly loved it, and I think my mom did too. I live and breathe these little moments and if I could stay there and live in them forever, I think I would.
As I lay down in my childhood bedroom with my mom sleeping on the other side of the bed and reflect on another crazy life event that will probably be talked about in my autobiography if I ever live to write one.
I feel relieved, so relieved that I'm alive, how many times can I beat death? It makes me laugh even. It makes me question if the doctors know what they're talking about. If every time they've told me I wouldn't wake up, I do? But, I shouldn't be questioning their qualifications and professionalism, they're the reason I'm alive after all.
Well, I guess Harry's the reason I'm alive this time around. If he hadn't found me and then done CPR I'd probably be donezo. I hoped I thanked him already, I can't really remember with the anesthesia I was on. It's probably a good thing, I don't want to remember if I said how much I missed him or how pretty he is or possible kids names for our children. Yeah, I am glad I can't remember. I'm hoping Ejaz would have stepped in before I said anything embarrassing. My mother would just let me ramble on and on about how much I love Harry, although I'd like to think she'd stop me before I gave up all of my self-dignity.
I look around my room, there's my pink hello kitty electric guitar I got when I was ten, and right next to it lies my record player with my very diverse records. Joni Mitchell, The Smiths, Earth, Wind & Fire, Bruce Springsteen, Lana Del Rey, Taylor Swift, Avril Lavigne, and you absolutely can't forget my Best of Hannah Montana and The Cheetah Girls vinyl, I think they're my favorite of them all.
It reminds me of the first time Harry visited here, before we started dating when we were shooting for Treacherous Behavior, I put on the 1989 vinyl and sang Style to him. I thought it was the funniest thing ever, he did too. After, when we were out of breath from laughing and we lay on my old, battered hardwood floors I looked over at him and he was already looking at me.
After reminiscing about that time with Harry, I end up on a reminiscing spiral. I keep looking around my room. I still have posters that I hung when I was fifteen. My movie posters include Breakfast at Tiffany's, Before Sunrise, Mamma Mia, Legally Blonde, and a High School Musical 2 poster that only comes out during the summer. I also have a Gilmore Girls poster my mom got me after she saw how defeated I was once we finished the last season.
Sometimes I don't watch the last episode of tv series because then it's like it never ended, but my mom convinced us we had to finish it. I'm team Jess in case you were wondering.
My music posters include Fiona Apple, Stevie Nicks, The Cure, Mazzy Star, Whitney Houston, and a tiny photo that you wouldn't recognize who it was until you got close. None other than Joe Jonas. Safe to say I was a Jonas Brothers fan but I didn't want anyone to know because Ejaz and Carlotta would have definitely made fun.
Along the posters is a photo booth strip of my dad and me from an analog photo booth we went to when I was eight. Then a film picture from my parent's 60s camera of me and my mom. A few other pictures of my family make an appearance along the wall, too. Harry really loved the film pictures. He thought it was cool I looked like a 60s girl. I told him it gets old when you don't know what you look like in color. He laughed at that and then agreed.
I look at all my books. Each one I remember how old I was when I read it and which song I listened to the most while reading it. I pause when I see Twilight. It looks a little out of place with all the classics surrounding it, but come on, Twilight is practically a classic. Harry disagreed. How can you disagree if you've never read it? That's right, Harry Styles has never read Twilight. I told him he hasn't lived until he read it. He told me I was delusional. I told him to listen to the soundtrack.
My eyes keep going along my wall stopping at things that remind me of Harry and then continuing again. They pause on the portrait my mom painted of me when I was eighteen.
I remember I just came home from New York after finishing up a movie. When I walked through the doors instead of our dogs greeting me like they usually do I was greeted by my mom pulling me into a hug. I was scared that something had happened while I was gone. I asked her what was the matter?
"Bea, the most terrible thing happened to me. I forgot what side your birthmark was on. I forgot the shade of your hair, or how it looked when you left for New York. I was worried they would dye your hair and I wouldn't notice when you came back. And you know everyone in this family has a debate on what side that birthmark is on but I always remember, and I couldn't. Was your hair up or down when you left and was it straightened? I thought I'd for sure remember if it was straightened because you know I love it when you leave it natural. It was so long since I saw you that I couldn't remember any of these things!"
I tried to make her feel better by saying I couldn't even remember what I ate that morning. Which is true. I couldn't.
"I'm your mother Béatriz, I need to remember these things. When you're away and my old mind can't remember how your freckles look in the summer then I need to be able to look at something to remember.
I said, "There are plenty of pictures of me, mom."
"Not hand-painted by me though. That's why I need to paint you." She smiles. So that's what this is about.
I smile remembering that time now. I'm sure she said those things because she just wanted to paint me. I know she remembered my birthmark by my eye is on my left side of my face. After all, she was the only was who remembered.
It was out on the front porch swing, where we read Charlotte's Web so many years ago. I have a white summer dress with flower patterns on that was once my moms. It ties up in the middle and has lace trim. I have my big gold hoops in and a dainty necklace that my dad got me and my dark brown curly hair is down blowing behind me from the wind. My already dark complexion is tanned making my green eyes pop. My freckles are darker from the summer sun and there seem to be more than usual. In the background, you can see the fields and if you look close enough, Sweetheart.
Carlotta was reading Little Women so I wasn't bored and Dakota and Inez were sleeping on the hammock on the side of the porch. It felt like a chapter from Little Women itself, like the chapter's pages ripped out and landed right on our porch.
"Wow. Who painted this?"
"My mom," I said quietly as if I talked too loudly it would snap him out of the trance he was in looking at the painting. I didn't want him to stop looking at it. She painted it so well that I thought when he looked back at me he would be disappointed.
"It's beautiful," Harry said. "It looks so much like you." He says this in a whisper too, not taking his eyes off it. I laughed at this because I thought it looked ten times better than what I look like.
"Thank you. I think when she looks at me she doesn't see much of my flaws and she conveys that in the painting because I don't think that actually looks like me." I laugh.
"What! It looks just like you. You honestly think this doesn't look like you?" He asks with astonishment.
"No, I think it looks like me but it's like if I looked perfect."
"You do look perfect."
"Okay, stop the flirting Styles."
"Oh come on, you look just like this. I think you're actually even prettier in person."
"Shut up." I'm laughing but I don't think it sounds genuine.
"I'll stop the compliments since you're blushing, but trust me, if you think you look too perfect in this painting, you should see what you look like right now."
I didn't know what to say to that. He was looking at me with so much admiration that I had to look away. Right then I heard the tick of a clock. The timer in my head started. My beauty has officially started fading. Soon he would look past it and see me. He would treat me like he never said any of this. He would treat me just like all beautiful things are eventually treated. Just pretty to look at. Soon you'll get used to it and then you'll begin to see the cracks and edges from looking at it for so long. You'll get mad that it's not beautiful and perfect to you anymore. So you break it because you can't stand to look at it.
"What are you thinking?" He asked quietly. He looked concerned now like he read my thoughts and wanted to make sure I didn't actually feel that way.
I quickly smile. "Just that you're delusional." He doesn't smile back though. He steps closer. Like he knows exactly what I was thinking and wants to absorb it all, take it away. But a knock at the door stops him and I still carry it even to this day.
I keep looking, past the portrait my mother painted of me. This time I have sadness in my eyes that wasn't there before. I want to go back. Back to the record player.
I come across the piece of clothing on my vanity stool. It's a cream-knit sweater. Harry gave it to me the very first time a couple of years ago when I was in the hospital after I fainted at the hotel. We weren't dating yet. He told me he liked me but I jokingly said, "That's what happens when you're around me for a long time. Your brain had to come up with some solution on how to tolerate being around me."
I cried later that night. I felt like that was mean. To just dismiss his feelings and make a joke. My excuse was I was just protecting him. He knew I was sick but he didn't know how sick. He didn't know I could die if something went wrong. He didn't know that sometimes I'm in bed for days. He didn't know that I have nightmares of my biological father. He didn't know. And I didn't want him to. So to me, I was just protecting him.
"Bea, listen. If you don't feel the same way, that's totally okay. I just- you seem to reject any possibility that someone thinks something good of you." We we're in between shoots for our movie taking a break in a small secluded room. Just a few minutes ago we were laughing. Making jokes. But now he's confessing his feelings for me.
"Or thinks you're beautiful. Or thinks you did a good job. I don't want you to dismiss the fact that I actually like you. I think you're absolutely beautiful, just like everyone else in the world. But I think you're even more fun to be around and even more of a good person. It kills me to think that you can't believe that. I need you to believe it though. I need you to believe that you are the kindest person I met. The funniest person I met. You, Béatriz are quite literally a piece of art. Every single thing about you is just- it's just- I can't even articulate it, Bea. Knowing you has been the best thing to happen to me. Truly. And if you don't like me like that, it's okay, I'll take any part of you I can get. So if that means staying friends then let's stay friends. But if there's a possibility you do like me like that but you don't believe someone could be with you...don't just dismiss me. Please."
The look on his face made me want to hug him. I felt like I hurt him, exactly what I didn't want to happen. I wanted to say I'm protecting him. He doesn't know what I'm like. He thinks he does but he doesn't. I'm quiet for a second. Trying to decipher best how to tell him I like him but I can't have him. That it's best for him. He'll eventually resent me. I would just be another person to worry about.
He was waiting for me to talk waiting for anything really. I think he knew that he wasn't gonna like my next words. But he still sat patiently waiting for them.
"Harry, I-"
That's when someone opened the door and said they needed us. They didn't even knock. Just opened it. I'm glad for their lack of manners because if they would have knocked I'm sure Harry would make me talk before he opened the door. He would make sure I couldn't get away with leaving it unfinished and avoiding it. The way I always seem to do it.
"We're not done," He said firmly looking right at me and then he got up and went to where we were needed.
Luckily we didn't need to be next to each other for the shots. And then he was caught up in a conversation when it was over. So I quickly packed my stuff and left. I know he saw me leave and I was hoping it would make him like me less. Make him realize that I can't make him happy. But he kept chasing me. Like I was his happiness and he needed to catch it.
We didn't talk until the next week. It was another interview week. I was worried you'd be able to tell something was off between us but I woke up sick. So sick that you could tell just by looking at me.
When he saw me that morning he didn't act like he was mad at me for leaving him high and dry, he looked at me with concern and care, but that was just because I was sick. It's called pity. He pitied me. He pitied me when he asked for a little bit of time before we got started with the interviews. He pitied me when he asked if I was okay and if I think I'll be able to go on. He pitied me when he told my manager that I need to go back to my hotel. He pitied me when he said he could do the interviews alone. He pitied me when he stood up for me when the stupid interviewer got mad. He pitied me when he hugged me goodbye and told me to feel better. Pity, that's all it was.
The cream sweater lies there. Defeated. It needs someone to put it on to give it life again.
I'm back to the time when Harry gave it to me. It was just the two of us in the hospital room. My manager went to call my family. Harry had just witnessed the most embarrassing thing. Something I would be embarrassed about even if my best friend Maisie saw. But he held my hands as I was trying to get the gown and tubes off. As I was crying and throwing up. He was telling me that it's okay, over and over again. As
I drifted off from the medicine and exhaustion he was still holding my hand telling me I'm okay. I expected him to be gone by the time I woke up if I ever woke up. But he wasn't. He was still holding onto my hand. This time tracing his thumb back and forth. He was sitting in a chair that he must've brought next to the bed.
He didn't notice that I was awake at first, he had his head down by our connected hands. I must've moved because his head bolted up. Seeing his face made me wish I slept for longer or woke up when he wasn't there. Although it's dark out now, I can see him so clearly. The way the moon comes through the window and perfectly lands on his face. His eyes were red like he'd been crying.
I spoke first. My voice was rough and at first, I questioned if it was really me talking. It didn't sound like me. "I'm sorry."
Immediately there was a crease in between his eyebrows. "Sorry? Why are you sorry? Don't be sorry."
"I'm a mess. You don't need to be here. You can go home and sleep and not worry about me."
"Not worry? How could I not worry? Do you know what the doctors said? They told me you might die. Bea, how could I not worry?" He was crying now.
"This is why you can't be with me, Harry. This would be your life. You don't want that, I don't want that."
"You don't know what I want, Béatriz." He says quickly.
"You'll leave. Just like all the other guys did. They said they would be there for me and then left."
"Don't compare me to those fucking guys."
"You can just be a friend from the sidelines. It's easier that way. You can send me gift baskets and get well soon cards and when I do, take me out to dinner to celebrate. It's better that way. Way less worrying. It's better like that."
He spoke with desperation now. "No, no, Bea I don't want to be on the sidelines." He held my hand with both of his. "I want to be with you. I won't ever stop worrying. It would probably be worse if I wasn't with you. Not knowing what's going on. If I didn't know if you were okay or not. I love you. Whatever you say won't change that. I've known you for a while now Bea. It's safe to say that no matter how much you push me away I'll always love you."
And then I'm crying. The weight of his words was too much. He's told me he loved me before. It was platonically though, at least I think it was. He said it after I said a dumb joke.
"You can't love me, I don't want you to." I sound like a little kid when I say it. Like he'll stop just because I said so. "Harry, I really like you, I know you know, that's why you won't let me push you away. But I've pushed a lot of people away. I'm getting good at it. But it's a lot easier when you don't put up a fight."
"Let me take care of you. Let me love you. Let me show you what it's like to be with someone who would give up the world for you. Because I would. Whatever you wanted I would get it for you. I don't know how but I'd find a way. I've never felt like this about someone before,"
He smiles through his tears. "And it's not just my brain trying to cope with being around you all the time or whatever the hell you said. Do you know that I've had my eyes on you since I was eighteen? That I only auditioned for our movie because I heard you were the leading role. When I found out you needed someone to sleep in your trailer because some asshole tried to sneak in there I was ecstatic. I mean, I would kill whoever tried sneaking in there but if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have been with you all those nights, being close to you and now I don't ever want to be away from you." His eyes were glued to mine. Like if he looked away everything he said would be erased.
His words somehow managed to get through the wall that I'd built. The one that took me years and countless hours to make sure it couldn't be knocked down. But he did and it's like I can breathe now. The wall was too close to me. It was cutting my oxygen off and suffocating me.
"Okay," I say. A smile creeps onto my face. Even though the wall was knocked down there's still a pile of concrete he had to climb over.
"Okay?" He asks. My smile must be contagious because he's wearing one too.
"You can try to love me I guess," I say lightheartedly but it means so much. There are still a lot of insecurities, questions, and anxious thoughts I have but I want him. I want to try with him. I want to believe all his words.
He inches closer to my face. "I don't have to try, I already do." Right when he's about to kiss me, our first kiss outside of acting, I move my head to the right so he just kisses my cheek.
"I have throw-up breath."
He leans back laughing. "I don't care, I've been waiting for forever."
"I'm sorry but I will not let our, technically, first kiss be after I threw up."
"That was hours ago."
"So?"
"Fine." He then kisses my cheek once more. I know I'm sweaty, my hair's messy, and I look rough but he still looks at me like I'll disappear if he looks away.
I feel tears as I stare at the sweater. It hurts to remember that time but I keep myself in that memory.
After he smothers me with, "how are you feeling" And, "what hurts?" He gets the doctor and curses himself for not doing that first. I find it all entertaining.
The doctor tells me I'm not out of the woods but the fact I'm awake right now is a really good sign. Soon after my parents come rushing into the room. My mom is crying as she says, "Thank God," and rushes over to hug me. My dad is on her heels and as he passes Harry he gives him a nod. A nod that says, "Thanks for looking out for my daughter but you're still a guy and she's still my daughter," kind of nod. If only he knew what just went down and how Harry would do anything for his daughter. His words, not mine.
I laid awake as the sun was coming up, the top of it shining through the window. My mom and dad are on the couch across the room. He's holding her while they sleep. I look down at Harry. He's fast asleep on the same chair to the side of the hospital bed. He's still holding my hand. His head is to the side of my stomach laying on the bed. It can't be comfortable but he's sleeping as if he's laying on a bed of clouds.
My manager left a while ago and my dad told me Ejaz, Maisie, Dakota, and Blaise are coming in the morning. I smile, excited to see them. I haven't seen them in a while. Too bad it takes me almost dying to see them. It shouldn't, but it makes me laugh. Then I'm asleep.
I sent Harry off with my brother to get me Reece's Pieces, the ones my manager got me melted in her car. My dad's talking with the doctor and Maisie is distracting the two younger ones. I take this opportunity to tell my mom everything.
"Bea, finally. That boy has been crazy for you since he saw you. When he came over a few months ago he was obsessed, babe." I love my mom.
Laughing, I say, "Mom stop. He was just being nice. You think every nice guy likes me."
She looks offended. "No, I don't, hun. He couldn't keep his eyes off of you. At dinner, it looked like you were the food by the way he was looking at you."
"Ew, mom." I scrunch up my face.
"Not like that." She says, almost scoldingly. "I just mean that he looked as if you were the only example of perfection, right there in the flesh.
She moves a piece of hair behind my ear. "You're my daughter so I mean you're pretty close to perfect." I laugh. "You remind me of myself. Apparently, everyone could see that dad liked me since we were kids, except for me. Baby, everyone, I mean everyone could see how much Harry liked you from the start. You just didn't want to believe it."
During the first week in the hospital, I was doing good. Great even. My mom and dad stayed in my New York apartment and would visit me every day. Harry had his separate apartment he stayed at. He also would see me every day, but he stayed for longer. My friends visited me and it was all going well.
I was supposed to be released the next day. It was the middle of the night when I woke up with such intense abdominal pain and headache. Harry had stayed that night he was lying in the bed with me since the tubes had decreased and weren't in the way. I was going home in the morning.
"Harry." I cry. It's getting harder to breathe. Each breath seems to be stabbing me 100 times while a million bees are stinging me at the same time.
He was always a light sleeper around me. When we were in the trailer back when we were still filming, he seemed to know when I just woke up from a bad dream or when I was feeling sick. He just knew.
He woke up quickly. "What? What's wrong?" He said worrying. His voice still deep with sleep.
"Please, help me." I'm sobbing at this point, the pain being too much. I usually go unconscious before I get to this amount of pain. Why can't I faint right now? The heart monitor is beeping faster and faster.
Harry gets up quickly, "I'll get the doctor."
I think I dreamed of that cream sweater. He was wearing it while sleeping next to me. You'd think it would be itchy but it wasn't. It was just soft and warm.
I hear the voices before I see anything. They're distant and I can only make out a few words.
"Took...steroid...medication...early...confident...okay...not...infection...surgery...good." That seems promising. I move my head to the side. Maisie is laying on Harry's shoulder asleep, but he's awake. He looks as if he's being hypnotized and they're telling him he's tired but he refuses to close his eyes. He sees me awake and gets up, Maisie waking up before she can hit the couch. The hypnotizer must have gotten bored.
"Hey." He says. I've been around him for so long that I know what's going through his head just by that simple word. He feels guilty. He feels like it's his fault.
Everyone looks over once they hear Harry. My parents and the doctor take Harry's place. He peers over their shoulders looking at me from a distance.
"Hey, Béatriz." My doctor says first, "How are you feeling?"
Everyone awaits my answer. I don't have the energy to tell them I feel like I've been hit by a truck. A really large truck holding other cars. So I just say, "Okay."
"You're gonna feel bad for a little while. Aches and pains all over," She says this with a sad smile. Like she wants my pain to be over just as much as I do.
"What happened was we took you off your steroid medication too early. You had an infection going on that we didn't know about. That's why you woke up feeling bad the morning you fainted in your hotel and went into an adrenal crisis. It was an infection we didn't see. Taking you off the steroid medication was bad for it. The good news is we caught it and you are back on the steroids as well as antibiotics for the infection."
"Okay." I didn't know what else to say.
"We estimate a week and a half until you can go home." She pats my leg that's underneath the hospital bedding.
"I'll leave you guys alone. Let us know if you need anything." My parents say their thanks and look back at me. They ask if I need or want anything.
My dad ends up going to Five Guys to get me a burger. My mouth was watering just waiting for it. My mom and Harry brought chairs next to my bed while Maisie is sitting crisscross at the end of my bed. We're playing cards. Harry has been quiet only saying a few words here and there. It makes me nervous.
They can sense me getting tired so they talk quietly amongst themselves while I doze off and I only wake up for my burger.
A couple of days in I'm so restless to take a shower I cried. I blame it on the steroids. I've been living off deodorant and toothpaste. It's early in the morning and it's just Harry here.
"You should wait until your mom or Maisie comes. I don't want you to get hurt." He told me seriously.
"I think I'm okay, I basically walked this whole hospital and only got winded once," I say smiling proudly. I don't bring up I had to hold onto him for a majority of the time.
He smiles amused.
"Bea, don't want ya to hurt yourself. Can't you just wait until one of them come?"
"Harry, how can you possibly be around me, don't I smell? I'm practically itching to shower. Who's the sick one who almost died, huh?"
"First of all, you don't smell bad. I mean it. And second of all, that's not fair nor funny." He holds up his pointer and then the middle finger for each point.
"Please? You can wait right outside the bathroom and I'll keep the door open just in case I need help." I beg.
"Fine." He sighs.
"I was gonna do it anyway," I say with a wide smile feigning innocence and sass.
It was going fine, perfect even. I got the gown off no problem and was showering the itch and stank away. Then I got lightheaded. Nothing I couldn't handle. I just held on to the railing to the side. But then there were stars and dizziness so I laid down on the shower floor. Shouldn't they have seats in here or something? I thought.
"Um, Harry?" My tone is wavering.
"Yeah?" I hear him outside of the bathroom on the floor.
"Can you come here?" I say it nervously, knowing he was right to question my ability to shower.
I hear him outside of the curtain.
"What's happened?" He doesn't say it like he knew he was right, which I'm glad for. He just sounds concerned and a little curious.
"Well, first can you hand me the towel on the counter." I'm still seeing stars.
A few seconds later I see his hand poke in with the towel.
"Thanks."
"Is that it?"
"Uh, no, I need help up. I got a little dizzy."
It's quiet for a second and then I hear him sigh.
"Can I open the curtain?"
"Yeah."
The curtain opens and he sees me laying against the shower wall with the towel wrapped around me. I smile up at him. He squints like the steam is making it hard to see me.
"It's 100 degrees in here, no wonder you're faint." His British accent really came out in that sentence and I can't help but laugh at how funny he sounds.
He quickly turns off the water. Luckily, I was able to stay somewhat dry from the water from where I was laying against the shower wall.
"This isn't a laughing matter, Bea." He says as he's holding a laugh in.
"Sorry, I just forgot you're British sometimes."
He laughs again. "Shut up." He bends down and places his hands on my waist. As he picks me up I'm still holding onto my towel. He brings me closer to him so he can wrap his arm around my waist and the other lands on my stomach while we step out of the shower. My hair is dripping water all over the tile and onto his arm. I'm still dizzy as I walk, and need to rest my head on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," I say quietly.
"For what?" He replies in the same volume.
"For getting you all wet."
"It's okay, I don't mind."
"I should've listened to you."
"Well, you would have been complaining about how you smelled and felt gross anyways."
"Very true."
"You know what?" I ask suddenly.
"What?"
"This is very boyfriend of you."
"Oh yeah?" By the way, he says it I know he's smiling.
"Yeah."
"Well you just wait, I have more from where that came from."
We get to the counter and he leans me against it while still keeping his hand on my waist.
"Okay this is a weird request but I need you to put on my underwear for me."
His eyebrows shoot up. I hand him my underwear.
He laughs, "Okay." He bends down a bit to put my legs through opening and pulls them up under my towel.
I look down at my clothes on the counter, "Oh shoot!" The sudden realization dawns on me. Harry stands straight up waiting for me to explain my sudden outburst.
"I forgot a shirt." Harry looks deep in thought for a moment.
"Hang on," he leads me to sit on the toilet seat. "Wait here." When he comes back he's holding his cream knit sweater. The one he was wearing the night I woke up.
"It was in the drawer out there for a while. I forgot about it."
He put it over my head and I put one arm up and then the other. I stand up and unwrap my towel. He takes it from me and starts folding it. The sweater is like a dress on me.
"Now my socks, please." I say it like I'm a captain.
His posture straightens and he makes his voice deep, "Aye Aye." He leans down once again. Still keeping a hand around my waist. I lift my foot up for him and he puts on the cute, fuzzy, heart socks he got me when he ran to the store. He knows I can't sleep without fuzzy socks.
I smile, "I feel nice and clean."
He smiles down at me, "You look nice and clean."
I still have yet to put my shorts on.
"You look like a marshmallow."
I laugh, looking down at the big sweater. "I feel like a marshmallow."
"You okay now?"
"Yeah, but that was tiring. I'm gonna take a nap."
He smiles like he's holding back a laugh, "Okay."
I get my shorts on and walk to the bed. He's right behind me with his hand on my back.
"Have a good sleep." He says leaning down and kissing me.
"Thank you," I whisper. "I will."
The cream sweater sits there and haunts me. After I wore it that night I didn't take it off until I went home. When I got home I put the sweater back on. I seemed to wear it whenever I could. I wore it when I told Harry I loved him for the first time. I wore it whenever I felt sick. I wore it whenever I needed to feel him close to me. I wore it when he broke up with me.
That night was terrible. We just got done reading yet another letter. I don't even want to remember what it said. Once he read it he looked at me. I knew. I knew what the look on his face mean. It was too much for him just like I warned him. "Bea...I- this- this is terrible." He's trying not to cry I can tell.
"You think I don't know that?" I snap. I didn't mean to, honestly, I didn't.
"It's my fault. Whoever this is is mad because we're together. Because of me."
"Harry-"
"No, Béatriz it's my fault," He chokes. "You and your family are being... being threatened because they're mad. Probably a crazy, obsessed fan or something. But this wouldn't be happening if you weren't with me." He raises his voice, the tears stream down his face. "You wouldn't wake up screaming from bad dreams. Your mom wouldn't have made your dad install those cameras. Dakota..." he can't stop crying. "Dakota wouldn't be crying in her room to Carlotta afraid she's gonna die."
"We'll find them. Okay? The police-"
"The police haven't done shit! You...if anything were to happen to you because of me, I could never live with myself. Or your family. I couldn't. I think-we... we need to take a break. Until they find whoever this is. We shouldn't be seen together anymore. They somehow know when we're together so we should just take a break."
I think my jaw is open, I knew it. I knew he couldn't be with me. "Break up. You mean break up. Taking a break is breaking up." He looks at me with so much sadness that I don't think he could look anymore heartbroken.
"This is me okay, Bea? Not your fault it's all mine. All mine. That's why I can't be with you right now, k? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry this is happening." And there it is. He's completely broken-hearted.
He got the sweater back. I left it at Maisie's house and told her the next time she sees him to give it back. She later told me he refused to take it at first but she insisted.
I don't know how long it's been but I hear the door creak open. I think it might be one of Ejaz's kids but then I hear a purr and I know it's Kitty Queen. That's what Dakota called her when she was younger and we thought it was funny so we kept calling her it. I look over to my mom, she's still asleep. I can already tell from when I sit up I feel a lot better.
"Hey, Kitty. Whatcha doing?" I'm avoiding going out there. Harry slept on the couch last night. It's weird between us now. We agreed to be friends and my family loves him, he stayed in the hospital and we talked and talked and gave me his cream sweater when I was cold. That's why it's in my room. But when we talked in the hospital room, we didn't talk about us. We heavily avoided that topic.
I hear kids' laughter as soon as I step out of my room, careful to to wake my mom. I pick up Kitty to calm my anxiousness.
"Harrrry." I hear Delilah's baby voice. When she says his name it's so cute she pronounces the "R" with the "W" sound.
"Whaaaat?" He draws the word out just like she did.
"Let's go wake up Aunt Bea!" It sounds like she's jumping around when she says this.
"Let's let her sleep." He clearly was asleep no less than five minutes ago. His voice is still groggy and deep.
"Okay, fine. You wanna go see Sweetheart?"
I hear another pair of footsteps.
"Sorry Harry, she can get out of her crib now." Blaise laughs. I hear Delilah giggle to this.
"Oh it's totally fine, she's a joy." Harry chuckles.
"Come on Lilah, let's go see Sweetheart."
I hear her footsteps running to the door. "Yay!"
"See you later."
"Later, Blaise."
My head snaps up and I see Inez open her door. Her hair is all messy and she looks like she's sleepwalking. I can't help but laugh.
"Good morning, sunshine."
"Shut up. Are you just lurking here trying to gain the balls to talk to Harry?"
I'm silent for a second. I was caught. "Yeah."
"Just do it. He loves you." I want to tell her that's not gonna fix anything. Apparently he loved me when he broke up with me but that didn't stop him.
"It's not that easy."
She hugs me from behind and pets, Kitty, "It can be. I'm taking a walk. Talk to him, Bea."
She sneaks past me down the stairs.
"Good morning, Harry." I hear her say.
"Morning Ez."
Just do it, Béatriz. I tell myself.
I walk down the stairs. They squeak each step so he knows someone is coming down. Great. I pause at the end. He's sitting on the couch looking like he's still trying to wake up.
"Hey, Bea." He says with a smile. It doesn't quite meet his eyes.
"Morning, Harry. How'd you sleep?"
"Good." He looks at me again. "Good, yeah. Thanks." It didn't matter me asking. He wouldn't of told me if he slept bad.
"How are you feeling?" He gets up and walks toward me. My heart is beating faster the closer he gets. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and internally scold myself.
My curly hair is all over the place and I have an oversized shirt that says, "Auntie is my name, spoiling is my game." I mentally cringe at Mae for getting me this shirt as a joke. I was tired last night I just put on whatever shirt I saw. Luckily, Kitty Queen is covering the words. That's until Harry pets her in my arms and she jumps down.
"I'm feeling good."
He looks down at me and smiles probably taking in my hair. His eyes move lower. His smile widens and I see him reading my shirt.
"I like your shirt." He smirks. This time his smile meets his eyes. He's practically glowing. I roll my eyes.
"Did you forget I have a picture of you with my shirt on that has Charlie Swan on it and says, "DILF."
"Easy." He says.
"Nothing to be ashamed about, we all think it." I tease. We're quiet for a moment. He's looking at me again, the way he always does. I look away.
"Do you want some coffee?" He looks disappointed, he wanted me to say something different, but quickly regains composure.
"Sure, thanks."
I look out the window as I'm pouring water into the coffee brewer. I see Blaise and Lilah talking with Sweetheart. I desperately want to be with them right now. I hear Harry's footsteps. I look back at him. His back is leaning against the counter that's two away from mine.
"I missed being here." He says. Okay, so we're doing this now.
"They missed you." I politely smile.
"What about you?"
"What about me?" I ask. Like I don't know what he's implying.
"Did you miss me?"
"Of course I did." He's silent again.
"Bea, can you look at me please?" I sigh, close my eyes quickly to ready myself, and turn towards him.
"What?" I say. I sound aggravated and anxious.
"What do you mean 'what?' Bea, what is going on between us? This...this tension. You can't even look at me. I know, I know I deserve nothing from you. I know how much pain I caused. I know that it probably hurts you for me to be here, sleeping on your living room couch, and I'm so sorry if I am hurting you. Just ask me to leave right now and I'll go. I'll pack my bags and leave. I will. But I think... I think you feel the same way I do. I think you still care about me, still, love me. Just like I love you-"
I interrupt, "Of course, I still care about you, Harry. How could I stop? But, let me remind you... you broke up with me Harry. You left me."
He steps closer. "I know I did, Bea. But I felt like I had to. You were not safe with me, Bea. Your family wasn't safe because we were together. I didn't think it through I just thought that if I wasn't with you anymore you would be safer. That's all I cared about, is if you were safe. If something happened to you, I wouldn't be able to move on."
He looks down at his feet and runs his hands over his face. "I was having dreams about something happening to you, just like you were. That's all I thought about. Worried they'd become a reality. I didn't stop to think through it. Think through breaking up. I regret it. I regret it so much and I'm so sorry. The police weren't doing much the FBI couldn't figure a damn thing out. You were being spied on and I... I just wanted it to stop. That's why I left. Not because I stopped loving you. Not being I didn't want to be with you."
He steps even closer. "I've thought about you every day since that night. Every single day. Everything reminds me of you. I haven't even looked at another girl. I felt like we didn't even break up. I felt like I just lost you. I started- and this isn't some pity thing okay? I don't want you to feel bad for me and take me back this is just something I dealt with.I started drinking, a lot. I would black out and go to sleep drunk. I don't want to freak you out. I'm better now. I quit being an idiot. I'm just trying to tell you how messed up I was without you."
He looks away gathering his thoughts. "I just kept thinking forward to the wedding. I knew I had to sober up and be better before I saw you because if I didn't I would've done something stupid. And when I saw you at the wedding, gosh, I almost left right when I got there. I didn't think I could do it. But then Davy ran up to me and Lilah was right behind him and hugged my other leg and I almost started crying. It's like this future I saw with you wasn't gone yet. There was still hope. That's why I stayed at the wedding. Don't tell Ines. I saw this flickering light that hadn't gone out yet. When you saw me I knew you were hurting. That killed me. You looking away immediately. Absolutely shattered me. When I saw you walk down the aisle I imagined I was at the end of it. I hope you don't find that creepy. That's what got me through. The hope I felt. That I still feel."
I remember the wedding like it was yesterday. I remember you looking at me and me turning away. I remember being forced to talk to you because Davy grabbed my hand and it would have been obvious if I told him no.
"Hi."
"Hi, Bea." You smiled like I was this old friend that you were happy to see.
"Harry, I missed you lots," Davy said.
"I missed you too, buddy." You looked at me when you said this though, I remember that.
"Have you tried the peas? They're actually good." I said the first thing that popped in my mind. I regretted it as soon as it said it.
You laughed. I felt like I accomplished something when you laughed. Like I completed my job. The embarrassment faded away.
"I did, yeah. They're better than your average peas. They must've put something in them for you to like them." You teased.
"I liked the peas, too." Davy chimed in.
I wonder if little Davy was aware. Aware that we weren't together anymore. If he noticed something was missing.
"You want to see Ines? She's really glad you came."
"Of course. Bring me to the bride."
You got up and Davy immediately grabbed onto your hand. His other little one holding mine, and we walked towards Ines.
"Harry, I just- I can't lose you again. What if this happens again? Will you leave? Because I won't be able to handle it. I won't. You're not the only one who struggled you know?" I was getting mad. He wasn't the only one you had these withdrawals from each other.
Angry tears were streaming down my face. "I had to face this stalker thing by myself. I had to wake up from those terrible dreams by myself. Just because you left didn't make anything I was dealing with stop! That's why I felt you left me because you stopped loving me. You thought it was too hard. Just like I told you that night in the hospital. You knew how every guy before left me. It got too hard for them. You knew all this and you left!" My voice breaks.
He immediately takes me in his arms. One arm around my waist and the other supports my head.
"Béatriz, I'm so sorry." He's crying too now. "I was so stupid. I just wanted you safe. Believe me when I say that. That's all that was going through my head. Keeping you safe."
"Just promise you won't go, Harry. Just promise. Promise me you'll stay." I mumble into his neck. No doubt getting his shirt wet from my tears.
"I won't. I promise. I won't leave you again. I love you." He leans back and takes my head in between his hands. Each hand was on my cheeks. His forehead rests on mine.
"I promise." He says again.
"Harry!" Footsteps get closer and closer. Davy comes around the corner and immediately jumps up to Harry. Harry lets go of me to catch Davy, resting him on his hip.
He wipes his tears and brings his attention to him.
"Hey, lad. You feel even bigger than yesterday."
Davy smiled at this. He loves hearing how big he's getting. But then he looks over at me and back at Harry. "Why are you guys crying?" Harry looks at me nervously but that quickly disappears.
"Aunt Bea? Why were we crying?" He looks at me mischievously. I give him a "really?" look.
I look at Davy, "Well, Harry hurt my feelings." I look right back at him with the same smile he gave me.
"Harry! Why did you hurt Aunt Bea's feelings?"
"Because I was stupid."
Davy gasps and says, "You're not allowed to say that!"
"Oh, I'm sorry!" Harry sees this as a learning experience because he says, "See? I made mistakes but I apologized for them and I won't do it again. I hurt Aunt Bea's feelings but I told her I was sorry. That I won't do it again." He looks at me when he says the last part.
"My mom says when you're sorry you have to try your very best to not do it again. Otherwise you're not sorry."
Harry nods his head. "Exactly."
The rest of the day we spend outside. Davy gives Harry a tour of the chicken coop, updating him on all the chicken news.
"Sadly, Betsy died." He says.
"I'm sorry, Davy. She was my favorite."
"She was my mine, too. But don't worry Aunt Bea helped me plan a funeral. We dug her over there." He points towards the field.
Harry looks at me with a smile and his eyebrows raised. "Did she now?"
"Yeah, you wanna see?"
"Sure."
The look I gave him when he looked back one time tells him that I don't want to hear it later.
When Harry and Davy get out of earshot, Carlotta says, "Bea, spill."
Ejaz joins in, "Yeah, y'all look lovey-dovey again."
Before I can say anything Dakota says, "Oh I heard everything. I can tell."
"Dakota!" I can't believe she would spy like that.
"What! I was coming up the stairs and I heard you guys and I wasn't about to walk past you while you guys were yelling."
"Okay, we weren't yelling and you could've gone back down the stairs and minded your own business!"
"Dakota you gotta stop butting in on people's conversations." She says holding back a smile.
"Mom don't even! You joined me when you came downstairs!"
"Mom!" Carlotta, Ines, and I yelled.
"Fine! Guilty. I'm sorry but I was just making sure you guys worked it out.
"Char, really?" My dad says with a smile.
She looks back at me, "I'm sorry babe. Really. Dakota is too. Right Dakota?"
"Yes, I am." I know she means it. "You guys were loud though so we couldn't have really done anything. And we did go back downstairs as soon as Harry started apologizing. We swear we didn't hear anything else. Mom made sure of it." She adds. I give them a wear look.
Inez looks at me, "Okay, you still haven't answered."
"We worked it out. We're back together. But we still have a lot to talk about so don't be swarming him with questions." I can't help but grin saying those words out loud.
"Thank goodness. I was missing Berry." Mae says. Lilah asleep in her arms.
It's probably nine p.m. and we just got out of the lake. We're sitting on the edge of the deck. I can see the distant lights from the house through the trees.
"I remember the first time I sat here with you, two summers ago," He starts. "I was gonna tell you how I felt, but I chickened out." He laughs.
I vaguely remember. It was the same time he was over here when we talked about my portrait.
"The moon was reflecting off your face and we were pretty close in the water. You were the most beautiful thing I've seen then, and I was gonna say it but then you dunked me in the water." He looks at me with his eyes squinted pretending to be annoyed from that time so long ago.
I laugh. "I remember. I think I knew what you were gonna say. That's why I dunked you. I got you good."
"Can I tell you what I was gonna tell you then? You won't push me in?"
I can't keep pushing Harry away if I want this to work so I smile and whisper, "Mhm."
"Well, I was just gonna tell you that I think I was having a heart attack from how close we were and-"
"Stop! No you were not." I laugh, pushing his shoulder and then lauding down on the deck.
"No, I swear! I was so close to you I was surprised you didn't feel the water pounding from my heart. But no, really. After I was gonna tell you about the heart attack, I was gonna say it's because of you. How when I looked at you, anything happening around us disappeared. Which is a safety hazard might I add."
He rests his hand on the deck so he's leaning on it and looks over me, blocking the moonlight covering my face. "'You're so beautiful, Bea,' I was gonna say, 'that it shouldn't be allowed.' Your heart is incredibly big, sometimes too big for your own good, your smile could make anyone smile, your laugh can make anyone laugh. You are vital to me, Bea. I feel like I need you to survive.' That's what I was gonna say. And I mean it all still, if not more. Oh! and it really bothers me when I think about you with other guys." He laughs.
I snicker. "Of course you had to add that, didn't you?"
"You betcha." He grins.
I'm serious now when I say, "That's incredibly sweet. Thank you, Harry. You're vital to me, too." I pause and smile. "We we're just friends then," I laugh. "That would've been a lot to unpack on me."
"Oh trust me," He leans closer and closer as he's talking, his other palm laying flat to the side of my head. "You were more than just a friend." He kisses me. His chain dangles over my neck, and it tickles.
I giggle. I put my hand on his cheek my fingertips in his hair. "Harry?" I say through the kiss.
"Mhm?'
"I never promised not to push you in." And then I flip us over until we roll off the dock into the lake so quickly he doesn't have time to escape.
When we finally get to bed, Harry takes the spot where my mom was the night before. Davy's between us while Shrek is on.
Ejaz eventually comes in and tells him it's time for bed. "Say goodnight, V."
Davy crawls off the bed. "Good night Aunt Bea, good night Harry. Don't let the bed bugs bite. It itches." He scratches himself to prove his point.
"Will do, bud. Good night." Harry says.
"Sweet dreams," I say. We say goodnight to Ejaz and are quiet for a while. I can hear the crickets outside when Harry turns to me.
"Come here." He puts his arm on my waist pulling me towards him. I'm back in his knit sweater, my head falling on his chest. My arm around his body. I could live in this moment forever.
The knit sweater mentioned:
AN: I hope you guys enjoyed, I know it was a LONG one. Let me know if you would want more irl chapters!