Despite my feelings toward Jesse, I thanked him for helping me with the new safety sheet. He bowed his head slightly as a welcome and left the room with a quiet goodbye to Aidan. As soon as he'd left, I went over to Aidan and kneeled beside him. He still had his back to me, but I knew he was at least awake because he gave Jesse a half-hearted wave.
"Let's get you home," I whispered as I ran my fingers through his hair.
"Could we do something when we get back?" he asked.
"Depends," I answered honestly. "What did you have in mind?"
"Some rope stuff again... just, to think," his voice was so soft, so anxious. "Shibari."
"Of course, sweetheart," I smiled, pecking at his temple. "Do you want me to help you outside?"
He turned around slowly, his eyes were red from the tears. He still hadn't stopped as I saw a tear slide down his cheek. His head moved slowly in a nod.
"Please," he said.
I turned my body for a moment and picked up his cracked whiteboard first then lifted him into my arms. As we left the office, his grip on me tightened. His legs wrapped around my frame and held me close. I felt his breath near my ear.
"I really am sorry," he whimpered. "I didn't think. I thought it'd help me, but it just made everyone sad."
"I know you are, baby, I know," I said. I felt annoyed, and uncomfortable at being used, but I did understand. We do bad things when we think it'll help, and I wanted to help him figure out what he could do to actually help himself. "Just, please don't use me like that again."
"It made you uncomfortable," he mumbled.
"Yeah," I said as we arrived at the car. "Yeah, it did. But, please, don't dwell on that right now. We had a moment, we're working through it. I'm not leaving, and I shouldn't have used that to make you realise."
As I set Aidan into the car, I heard my name from behind me. I turned to see Jesse jogging over.
"Sorry, sorry," he breathed out and he held out Aidan's marker. "Forgot this. I had to put some papers on your desk. Your father wants me to stop by yours at some point to go over the safety plan because a couple of things were missed. Said it should be okay, but I'm not going to uh-..."
"That's okay," I shrugged, taking the marker. "Come around dinner time, seven o'clock, maybe? I have something I need to help Aidan with first."
"Oh shit, right," he nodded. "He's living with you... We could do this tomorrow morning, early, instead?"
"No, no," I shook my head. "Just come around at seven and we'll work."
My car door was still open. Aidan was looking between us as we talked. He'd stayed silent the whole time but now Jesse's eyes were on him. I think he needed Aidan's okay before he agreed.
"It's okay," Aidan responded. "You can start proving you mean me no harm this way."
"I'll bring us dinner," Jesse said with a smile.
"Sure," Aidan answered. "Bring my favourite."
"His favourite is-..." I began.
"Donburi bowls," Jesse finished for me. "Unagi is his favourite."
My eyes must have widened in surprise because Aidan filled in the gaps.
"Before what happened, he was flirting with me at the club," Aidan answered. "He asked. And... he remembered?"
"I uh... I do remember," he shrugged. "I also remember everything you said and did. You were very sweet until my friends... um they were my friends. I don't speak to any of them anymore. Not even their families."
"We'll see you around seven, Jesse," I said stubbornly.
"Yes, sir!" he replied before walking back into the warehouse.
As I stepped into the car and turned on the engine, I growled. My eyes were pointed toward where he left. Aidan's hand went to my thigh and squeezed gently. He must still be worried about my reactions. I'm not mad exactly, I'm just confused.
"You flirted?" I asked.
"Before they followed me home, he came up to me and started flirting at the club," Aidan mumbled. "It was nice to get the attention, so I flirted back."
"Did... he realise you were a man?" I asked hesitantly.
"Yes," he replied casually. "He just... didn't realise I was a trans man. We were at a queer club, his 'used to be' mates were straight, or at least two of them were. I was never really sure about Adam."
We drove the rest of the way in silence, but I was grateful for Aidan's hand staying on my thigh. That contact made me relax at least. There were fewer reporters around when we arrived back at mine. Thankfully, they kept their distance since I cussed them out. I helped Aidan out of the car, and he looked over to his and Alyssa's home.
"I should check the mail," he said. "Alyssa redirected everything of hers to her parents' house for now but there might be something for me."
I nodded silently and watched him walk over. I went to the door as I waited, I didn't want anyone taking the opportunity to swarm him. He walked back with a handful of letters, thankfully without even being looked at.
"Apparently, I should check my mailbox more often," he stuttered. "Or just redirect to here."
"Are you moving in?" I grinned.
"I could do that," he smiled back as we went inside. "I'll read these later, what's the time?"
He set the letters down on the table next to the door. I pulled up my phone to check the time for him.
"It's uh... 6:15 pm," I groaned. "Not really enough time for what you want."
"Let's try anyway," he mumbled.
He took my hand and led me down the hall, turning into the spare room. I helped him undress himself down to his underwear and watched him slide onto the bed. He sat up on it and closed his eyes, his hands clenched together tightly.
"Relax yourself, baby," I smiled. "I'll make you feel better."
I looked through the drawers and pulled out some of the rope. As I did so, Aidan relaxed on the bed, stretching out his body first before leaning up against the headboard.
"Could you tie me to the bed too?" he asked softly.
"Of course," I gently said as I kicked off my shoes.
I moved onto the bed and straddled his lap. I pulled his arms up and tied some rope around his wrists before tying it to the bedpost. His breathing steadied at the feeling of being restrained. I slipped off his lap and started to tie and knot other rope around his legs, binding them together. I made sure they were tighter this time, but still at a gradual pace. His head leaned back and hit the headboard gently. He breathed out slow, steady, deep. My fingers trailed along his legs, and he shivered at the touch.
"Two quick questions before I continue, baby," I spoke softly, calmly.
"Yes, Gabe?" he mumbled.
"Are you wanting to talk to Gabriel or Daddy?" I asked.
"Gabriel please," he answered. "I want to answer you, Gabriel."
I smiled softly. "And am I talking to my Little One or my Aidan?"
"Aidan," he softly spoke. "For now, it's Aidan, at least."
I nodded as I began to wrap more rope around his upper body. I decided on a bit more of an intricate knot this time but watched to see his reaction to it. He appeared to stay calm, so I continued the scene. As I finished the knot, I leaned back to admire my handiwork. He'd pulled his legs up a bit, creating a curve in his body. I planted a kiss on the middle of his forehead.
"Anything else before I ask some questions?" I offered.
"Blindfold?" he asked curiously.
I chuckled softly. "That's new."
I pushed myself off the bed and rummaged through a drawer in the corner. I pulled out a black silk blindfold and brought it over to Aidan. Placing it over his eyes and tying it at the back, I take another look at him. Beautiful, sweet. He just needed some guidance. My hands swept over him, one soon resting over his thigh. I absent-mindedly started writing my name over it before speaking.
"How are you feeling?" I asked gently. I kept my voice soft, and calm.
"Upset, hurt. I made you, Jesse, and me uncomfortable," he croaked. "Gabriel, I shouldn't have done it."
"Why did you do it?" At least he recognized the problem now. Maybe we could understand the root of it. We could talk about it.
Aidan visibly swallowed, anxiety building in his chest. "I thought that maybe if he knew that what he did hadn't left me broken then he would lose. I thought that if he got hard and knew that I didn't care, he'd lose. I thought... I thought..."
"Shush, Aidan," I cooed. "Deep breaths. Continue your thoughts."
He closed his mouth, breathing in deeply through his nose and parting his lips only to release the breath.
"I thought that if he saw me happy and pleasuring someone who cared for me, then he'd be broken too."
"Are you going to do it again?" I asked gently.
"No, Gabriel, no..." he whimpered as his body shook. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please."
"Shush, shush now," I hushed as my other hand went up to cup his cheek. I hadn't stopped writing out my name on his thigh with my finger, and I couldn't stop myself at this point. He knew what he did, he knew it was wrong, and he was apologising. "You don't need to be sorry anymore. We're working through it, understanding your mind, okay?"
"Okay, Gabriel," he whimpered again.
"How do you feel about Jesse?"
"I... I don't know."
"I'll rephrase, do you think he means the apology?"
"Yes? Maybe," he breathed out. "I think he wants to prove he's better now."
"What were you thinking when you first saw him again?" I probed.
"An intrusive thought took over first," he quietly admitted. "But I mostly saw anger and confusion. I ended up upset, I was... I mean I threw a... a punch at him."
"Intrusive thought?" I questioned.
"You don't need to know," he mumbled. He turned his head away. Shame, disappointment.
"If I know where your head is at, and we can work on something to make it better, then it'll be worth it. Even if it was a sexually inspired thought. It happens to many people, Aidan."
"My first thought," he breathed out. "It... I wanted... For a split second, I was back there, when he was holding me down and r-...doing that to me and I wanted him to do it again. I thought about you both holding me down and taking turns because I had a moment of not being good enough, of only feeling like I was only good for... for that."
I scooted forward and kissed his nose and then his lips softly. "You're not only good for that. You're an amazing, sweet young man, Aidan. You went through hell and you're trying to figure yourself out. You are more than that thought."
"Thank you, Gabriel," he leaned into my touch, whimpering when I stopped kissing him.
"Would you like more kisses?" I chuckled.
"Yes, please, baby," he nodded quickly.
I held his head still, planting kisses all over his face. I squeezed his thigh gently. I didn't realise how dark his thoughts had become. I didn't want to believe he was going to feel this bad or hurt.
"Why do you do that?" he suddenly asked.
"Do what?" I questioned.
"With your hand, tracing your name," he explained. "I can feel it more with the sensory deprivation. It's your name, isn't it?"
"It uh... It is," I acknowledged. "I can be a little territorial with what's mine."
"Do you normally do it like this?"
"Not exactly," I said and attempted to change the conversation. "I'm meant to be questioning you."
"I'm curious," he pouted. "Does this have to do with that knife in your drawer?"
My breathing became heavier. My shoulders lifted. My whole body tensed up, he wasn't meant to know about that.
"Have you gone through my things, Aidan?" I asked gently. I wasn't angry. I was scared. I didn't want him to know about that or know what I like to do.
"Not exactly," he frowned. "I was looking for a vibrator for the other night and came across it underneath a box in your bottom drawer."
"Are you going to get scared by what I say about it?" I tread carefully around the subject.
"It's a knife," he replied calmly. "As long as you don't use it without my enthusiastic yes, I'm going to be okay, Gabriel."
"Of course, Aidan," I said against his lips. With one more peck, I leaned back so I could study his face while I talked. "While I enjoy sharing my subs, when I have a certain connection with one, even though I continue to share them, I become increasingly territorial and possessive. I enjoy lightly carving my name on their thigh or hip. It never leaves a big scar and is very thin, but it often makes people squeamish. I've only ever held this connection with two people before you."
"Do you ever want to do it to me?" His bottom lip trembled at the thought.
"I've thought about it, but I," I stopped myself as my eyes trailed along his scar that went over his stomach and chest. "I don't plan to unless you tell me you want me to."
"I'm not sure," he mumbled.
"I want you to be sure," I softly said. "Hence my lack of communication about it. I'm not going to convince you or ask it of you. If you want to see me do it, you come to me when you're ready. If you're ever ready. This is not something everyone likes, and I respect my Subs, remember?"
"Thank you, Gabriel," he replied with a smile. "I will think about it, not because it's you. Because I'm curious. So, we'll see."
As I went to ask him a question, we heard the doorbell ring. I let out a sigh of exasperation. We were getting somewhere. Opening up to each other more.
"Go answer it," he said. "I'll stay silent. I only want a few more minutes like this anyway. It was good to open up to each other like this. We can continue later."
I switched on my phone and noticed the time. 6:55pm. Jesse was probably early. I stood up from the bed and went out the door, leaving it open since I wouldn't be long. As I answered the front door, I was met with Jesse's face. He held out the food quietly. There were reporters standing by the sidewalk, staring at the interaction. I rolled my eyes as they started to take pictures.
"Welcome," I mumbled, stepping aside for him. "Set it in the kitchen along with the letters on that table there. Aidan wanted to look at them during dinner."
"Of course," he replied.
I watched him shuffle the letters together and head towards the kitchen.
"To the left," I called after him.
He stopped by the open spare room door and glanced inside. When he realised how Aidan was tied up he kept moving, faster and faster toward the kitchen. My hand clenched into a fist for a moment before going back to the room.
"Are you ready to be let out, Aidan?" I asked.
Jesse came back down the hall, now empty-handed.
"I've left it on the counter for us," he said.
"I'm ready to be let go, Gabriel," Aidan answered softly after Jesse spoke.
His body was shivering, and I rushed over. Jesse stood at the door, looking over Aidan's body curiously. I noted his look of pain and guilt when his eyes trailed the scar. I undid the rope that kept Aidan tied to the bed first. His arms dropped down to his lap as he breathed out unsteadily. I began untying the ropes around his arms so he could freely move them while I worked my way lower to his body.
"Thank you, Gabe," he whispered.
"What exactly is this?" Jesse asked curiously.
"Shibari," I answered. "It helps him think."
"...In his underwear?" Jesse said, confused.
"It feels better against my skin," Aidan answered as he pulled the blindfold away.
I continued to undo the knots and snake the rope away from his body. I let him relax on the bed while I picked out a hoodie and pair of jeans for him to put on. I helped him into them as he steadied his breathing.
"It just makes everything clearer," Aidan continued. "It... helped me understand why I wanted to hurt you... and made us all uncomfortable earlier."
"I'm... glad?" Jesse replied slowly. "It seems unusual but if it helps, I'm not going to knock it."
Aidan pushed himself off the bed. His feet were unsteady on the ground, and I had to hold him up. Jesse took a step forward but stopped.
"Do you need any extra help?" he asked carefully.
"I just need to feel my legs again," Aidan replied. "But... Thank you for offering."
He nodded and moved out of our way so we could get through the door. I helped Aidan down to the kitchen and sat him at the counter. He immediately grabbed the food and found his bowl, staring at it hungrily.
"Fuck, I haven't had this in a while," he groaned.
I took out some chopsticks and utensils, setting them on the counter before taking a seat next to Aidan. Jesse hesitated for a moment before seating himself on the opposite side of Aidan. I kept my eyes on him as we ate. It didn't help that Aidan had taken the middle seat and forced us to sit on either side of him. I must have been showing my anxiety because I felt Aidan's hand touch my forearm. His eyes met mine and he hummed softly.
"Breathe," he said. "I feel safe. Jesse hasn't done anything, and I know you'd do something if he did."
Jesse kept his head down, staring at his ramen as he ate. His eyes did flicker to the pile of letters in front of Aidan though. His hand went out and he picked one up.
"That's Luke's handwriting," he mumbled in confusion. "I wouldn't..."
"I'll read it anyway," Aidan said as he took it from Jesse.
"There are ones here from all of them," Jesse continued. "I heard from the lawyer that if they apologised, they may get you to speak on their behalf in a few years. Because you didn't d-... um... because you're alive, they get life but with the potential to... get out every few years if they've 'been good', but I wouldn't believe them."
"How'd you get such a light sentence?" Aidan questioned.
"I uh..." Jesse glanced over at him. "During the negotiations, I received a lot of mail from people who hated what happened. I realised my mistake... the choices I made. And I ended up testifying against them and showing remorse for... what I did. I didn't care if I still got life, I just wanted to make sure they did."
"How can I be sure of the remorse part?" Aidan pushed.
I'd been sitting silently. Only watching. My own thoughts clouded my judgement. I was falling for Aidan, but it wasn't my life that was affected by this. I would stand by anything he said, any judgement he made on the situation.
"You can't be," Jesse answered honestly. "I can use my words as best I can, whether you believe me or not, is up to you. You know that words can be lies, but... I can show you, maybe? I can prove that I can be trusted by my actions. At least. Maybe."
"Would you read these letters to me?" Aidan asked quietly, holding them out. There were only three. One for each of the men still in jail.
"Of course," he answered as he took them.
"Adam's first," Aidan muttered. "He seemed tentative at first."
Jesse opened up the letter in front of us. Aidan's hand hadn't left my thigh and I could feel him rubbing gently along it to calm me. Though, in all honesty, it was probably calming him just as much to know I was there. We all continued to eat, however, as Jesse started to read.
"Dear Aidan,
I've been told to send you a letter of apology. I can't imagine any of the bullshit you're enduring. Being locked away means I don't get half the shit you do. I have seen the reporters and the journalists trying to get information out of you. I do apologise for what I've done and how I made you feel. It would have hurt and would have broken your trust and mind. I can't even think of what to say or do to make you believe me, but I do mean it.
From Adam Roundon."
Jesse's voice was calm and gentle as he read. Aidan quietly took in the words and shrugged.
"Should have thought of that before he agreed to take a turn," he muttered. "He was more enthusiastic once the... the knife came out anyway."
"Aidan," Jesse began.
"Next one, please," he responded.
"To Aidan,
The lawyer wants me to apologise for what I did. I'm sorry I guess. I don't really care if I'm allowed out at this point. I don't know how you lived through that but you're stronger than you look. Good luck with your life I guess. I'm not even sure what else to write here but something is better than nothing.
Joseph Branson."
Jesse's voice had faltered over some of the words. One of my hands had clenched into a fist. Jesse set the letter down and picked up the last one. He swallowed the last of his food before opening it.
"I don't think you need to hear from Luke, he was..." Jesse looked at Aidan with sad eyes. "He was the instigator. The one who did the worst of it."
"I'll hear it, please," Aidan whispered. "None of them genuinely seem sorry so far. Adam sounded like he placed a little blame on me. Joseph just doesn't seem to care. Luke probably wants out so he can finish the job."
Jesse flipped the letter up so he could read it, breathing in shakily.
"I... I can't read this to you," he stuttered as his eyes went over the paper. "This isn't... Aidan, listen, please."
"If you don't read it out, I will just read it myself," he said as he stared Jesse down.
With a gulp, Jesse began to read.
"To 'Aidan',
I wasn't allowed your actual name so that'll have to do. I'm not sorry. I don't care how much it hurt, you deserved more. I'm surprised you survived to be honest. Fucking ridiculous. You're so small and harmless. If I ever did get out, you know who will get hurt first. Might even be Jesse first now that I think about it. The fucking little traitor deserves it just as much now. Or maybe he just wanted to get out quick to hurt you more? I guess we will find out soon enough. The bastard will probably end up working nearby or you'll run into each other. The memories that will stir for that. Maybe you'll get fucking..."
Jesse stopped speaking. His eyes went wide. He pushed himself from the chair and excused himself to the bathroom, leaving the letter on the counter.
"Down the hall to the left," I called out.
I grabbed the letter before Aidan could and looked it over.
Maybe you'll get fucking wet and want him. Maybe you'll want him to hold you down and fuck that tight little body again. Who knows right? I bet you enjoyed it, you goddamn little shit.
"You're not reading the rest of this," I stuttered, tearing up the letter. "It gets worse, just trust me on this. Please, baby."
Aidan's eyes are wide with hot tears threatening on the edge.
"He probably said I'd want Jesse to touch me again," Aidan whispered.
"We'll leave it at that," I muttered, pulling Aidan close to me.
I set kisses over his head, breathing him in. By now, Jesse had come back to the room. He looked like he'd just been sick. His face was pale and devoid of emotion. He sat back down hesitantly and kept his eyes on the counter.
"I said you shouldn't read them," he whispered.
"So, what if I wanted you to touch me again," Aidan replied. "It might not happen any time soon but what if I wanted that? He's not going to get me fucking down. I'm stronger than this and I've moved on from that bullshit."
Jesse furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at Aidan. "Any time soon?"
"I-..." Aidan swallowed his words. "During my rope time... we kind of talked about a small intrusive thought breakthrough... the reason why I... I used Gabe in his office today."
"Oh," was all he said.
"Since we're all done with our food," I interrupted, steering the conversation. "How about you and I get this safety report done and change the plan before it's too late in the night?"
"Yes, sir," Jesse nodded.