𝐏𝐈𝐄𝐑𝐂𝐄𝐃 // 𝐇.𝐒.

70.

Chapter 70

My vision is blurry, but I recognize two blocks of fluorescent lights on the ceiling above me. I hear static or noise I can only describe as fuzz and when my ears tune it out, I hear familiar voices all around me.

I feel pain pulse on one side of my face and it's very hard to swallow. When it hits me, what went down, I quickly sit up with a gasp for air.

"She's up!" I hear and then I realize where I am. Back in the safe house, in the infirmary, I frown in confusion as I wonder how the hell I got here.

"Jo... Hey, you're okay." My father grabs ahold of my arms, searching for eye contact.

But I can't stop my rapid breathing. "Harry," I slip when I last remember looking for him. "Where's—"

"Who's Harry?"

On my left, Penny stands near my bed as she asked her question. I look around again only to see several women looking at me with curiosity. Not one of them is my mother. "Mom!" I then shout.

My dad holds me down when I try to get out of bed. He looks at the women and Penny and tells them, "Can you check on the other patients, please? Go!"

I wiggle and try to get out of my dad's hold but my body feels far too weak. I groan before eventually giving up.

"Sunshine," he calls me, but he doesn't say anything after that. He pulls me into his chest and I give in by hugging my dad tightly.

I shake when it comes in flashes. From my mother yelling at me to leave to Eileen dying in my arms, and to thinking I finally found Harry. "Oh, God," I mumble in my dad's chest. "Please... tell me we found Mom and we found Harry..."

Slowly, my dad pulls back to look at me again. This might be the first time I've ever seen him cry—or about to cry. He caresses my face as if he's hesitant to tell me what he knows.

"Dad..." I feel my lip quiver. "I tried. I tried to get her out of there—"

He hugs me again and I grunt from the pain I feel when my head tilts back. I squeeze him anyway.

"I'm just glad you're alright," he tells me. "That's all I care about."

I pull away from his hug with a sniffle. That might be all he cares about, but not me. I have to fix this.

I'm in an oversized t-shirt and pair of sweatpants, I notice when I look down. I then see the IV in my arms. I ignore my dad when he tells me to leave them alone. I peel at the tape that's almost glued stuck to my skin.

"Jo, what are you doing? Don't do that. You need the rest."

I shake my head, yanking the needle from my arm before he could stop me.

"Jo—" he tries again.

"Dr. D'Amore, do you mind if I speak to Jo?"

I watch the blood from the inside of my arm drip and hit the floor, but then I lift my head when I hear Finny's voice. He stands at my bedside with hands in the pockets of his jacket. My dad allows him a minute to speak to me when he walks off. Quickly, I remember the devastation I felt when I found out it wasn't Harry who pulled me out of the water.

"How are you holding up?" Finny asks.

I look up at him again. "What happened?" I ask him instead.

Allowing himself to take a seat by my legs on the bed, he presses his lips together. "Can I ask what you remember first?"

I want to huff or complain, but when I remind myself that Finny must have all the answers, I give in. "Harry... he was shooting at Dante and so was I. But then I heard a splash and when I looked over to where he was, he wasn't there. I dived in after him in case he fell, but—" When I begin to hyperventilate over the memory, Finny places a hand on my shoulder to assure me that I don't have to go on.

"An Angelo told me you were heading to the docks. I heard your voice yelling for Harry and when I saw you... you were drowning," he fills me in.

"You didn't see Harry?" I ask, looking at the ground again.

But when it takes him a while to answer me, I have to look up again.

"Did you see Harry or not?" I raise an eyebrow.

"You were drowning," he repeats. "I had to pull you out."

I frown when everything after being pulled out of the water becomes a haze. But even before that, was I drowning? I couldn't remember.

"And then you fainted," he continues.

"Let me get this straight," I then say and I think my face might be flushed. I feel warm from my cheeks all the way to my hands. "You saw Harry, but you pulled me out of the water?"

"No, I lost Harry," he corrects as if it makes things any better.

I shove his hand off my shoulder. "You didn't try and get him?!" I snap as I look him dead in the eye. "What are you saying? Are you saying Harry's not here?! Are you saying you- you left him?!"

Seeing my distress, Finny tries to hold my hands but I smack him off of me again. "Jo, I didn't leave him," he tries to convince me.

"Oh, really? That's what it sounds like," I spit while I force myself off the bed. "It sounds like you saw him and didn't bother to help him! Why the hell would you do that? You're his brother!" My legs feel weak as my feet touch the floor. I grip onto a rail and I pant when Finny walks around the bed to get to me again.

"It's not like that at all," he defends again. "He made me promise to get you out of there. Jo—"

"So you leave him to... to drown?!" I yell reaching for his arms when I want to shove him so badly but I physically can't. I break into a sob when my chest feels too heavy. I'm in pain, physical pain, over what Finny is telling me. I grip at the sleeves of his shirt when I feel like I might fall and hit the ground again. "Please—" I mumble out when I cry. "Please tell me he didn't actually... drown. Please. He hates the water. He hates how cold it is. He- Why would you do that?! Why didn't you help him?!"

Finn takes a hold of my head and he brings me to his chest. He wants to comfort me. I even feel him tremble from holding back an urge to cry with me. "I-I promised I'd get you out of there."

When I'm sick of crying—sick of absolutely everything, I push back. "You should've grabbed him—not me." I thickly swallow through my pain. I don't need to hold onto him anymore as I regained my balance. "Leave, Finn. I don't want you here."

I hear him call my name again and for a moment I think I'm being unfair as I walk off. I bring the back of my hand up to my mouth to keep from breaking out into another sob, but the idea of Harry drowning is killing me.

There's no way he actually drowned. There's no way I'm here and he isn't.

Still, as much as I try to convince myself that he isn't hurt, my breathing picks up in the hallway.

I fucked up. I fucked up so bad. I wasn't ready yet I pushed for the stupid plan. I should've listened, but once again I was reckless.

I don't care if I'm being stared at. I don't care if I break down in front of an audience that's wondering what the hell happened to me. I reach a wall and I can no longer stand again. On my knees, I get down and choke through my tears.

I hear a soft voice say my name. As my hair is being brushed out of the way, I look up to find Penny kneeling right next to me. She knows I'm hurting and even if she doesn't know why she hugs me and I hug her back.

She doesn't say anything. The girl only squeezes me and she lets me sob in the middle of the hallway. As my heart, soul, and every bit of me is slowly being crushed, she's there.

Maybe she senses what I feel is beyond more than sadness, because after a minute or two, she whispers, "It hurts right now, I know."

I slowly pull away. I look at her face and I see those angelic eyes. I pout as she tries to tell me she felt the pain I feel. "But-" I begin and I release a shaky breath. "It hurts, but he's not- He's okay. I mean, Harry has to be okay."

She doesn't know him by Harry. She knows him by Alex, I remember. Penny doesn't say anything about it, however. She grabs my hands to hold them instead. "When Dad died... you saw I was heartbroken. I still am, but I had Sophie to think about."

I shake my head at the possibility of Harry being— I can't even think it. I find myself crying again before mumbling, "I have no one to think about if that's the... if that's the case."

"That's not true, Jo," says Penny. "You have yourself to think about. You also have—"

When she pauses in her words, I wipe my tears away and look at her again.

"Okay, I know I'm not a real doctor," she defends before telling me what she thinks. "I'm just a kid, but... I don't know, every time I see you, you're sick to your stomach."

I frown.

"Is there any chance you might be... pregnant?" Penny raises an eyebrow, but with complete innocence, she adds, "Because then... then you would have something else to think about."

My lips part and I don't think she understands the weight that comes with a question like that. I deny it by shaking my head. "I can't be... I mean-" I pause.

She's not just a kid. She's a smart girl who might be on her way to becoming a real doctor someday. Because of it, I start questioning the last time I got my period. I then remember that the implant in my arm requires to be changed after a certain amount of time. I haven't followed up in a long while.

"I'm sorry," Penny then says, shaking her head as if she wants to take back what she said. "I just want you to take care of yourself, Jo. I don't want you to fall down a hole. I'm here for you... the way you were here for me and my sister."

She means well. I could never be mad at her for lending her hand out to me, even if a deep part of me thinks Harry isn't fully gone the way she implies. I lean in to hug her for helping me calm down. I squeeze her and then I kiss her cheek to show my gratitude. "I'll take care of myself," I assure so that she wouldn't worry.

She nods. Penny then stands up first and offers her hands to help me stand. I thank her and then I force myself to move.

I head for our room when my mind takes me there. I'm longing for a piece of him. As I'm walking down the hall, slow in my steps, I then reach for my chest. I feel relieved to know his necklace still hangs around my neck.

At the foot of our bed, I find his hoodie. I reach for it, clutching it into my hands before I bring it up to my nose. I breathe him in, feeling the need to sit when it hurts. I can smell him, but I crave his warmth in touches and kisses.

"I'm sorry," I apologize to him, failing to hold myself together after just settling down. I lay in a fetal position with his scent in my arms as the ache in my chest spreads throughout.

I don't know how long I cry. With no track of time in this room, it's hard to tell if I've been in continuous agony for ten minutes or ten hours. Slowly, my tears stop and it's when I feel someone staring at me. I look and Paco stands at the doorway. He takes the beanie off his head and holds it to his chest. He then asks, "Can I come in?"

I don't say anything. I only sit back up and he takes my movement as an invitation.

"I wanted to check in with you... I heard how it all went down."

I look away from Paco. Eileen didn't let him come along for the purpose that if something happened to her, Paco would take her place. I swallow when the moment Eileen fell into my arms replays in my head.

"And... with Alex not making it back, I just wanted to say I'm sorry—"

"For what?" I look at him again. With my strained voice, I tell him, "He's not... dead."

From the way Paco looks at me, I can't tell whether it's pity he feels for me or confusion.

But when I say it out loud, I've convinced myself that maybe somehow he's out there. He could be lost, for all I know—for all, I hope because if that's the case, I'll find him.

"He's not?"

I stand up and I wipe my wet cheeks dry with my hands. "He's not," I say with enough confidence to march out of the room and go find Finny again. I sniffle as I keep Harry's hoodie in my arms. I doubt Finny's left yet. I hope he hasn't, even if I kicked him out.

I find him through the sleeping corridor. Where Harry and I spent our first night in the safe house, Finny stands next to his bunk. He's packing. When he hears my footsteps, Finny raises his head and pauses to prepare for whatever I have to say.

"Are you lying to me?" I ask, trying to appear more stern than hopeful.

"Am I lying to you? About what?"

"You wouldn't leave Harry," I then point out despite my outburst I had not so long ago. "You came all this way to repair your relationship with him. You wouldn't leave Harry—not again—the way you did the first time. Am I correct?"

"Jo—"

"Just tell me!" I burst sooner than I had planned. "Just tell me this is all a part of some plan and that he's out there right now trying to stop Dante after I told him not to. Tell me, right now, that he's going behind my back."

I leave Finny speechless as I angrily heave through my words. I even nudge his chest to get something out of him, but he only presses his lips together.

"Fine," I mumble and I can feel myself wanting to break again. "You know what? You can tell him that I'm so mad at him right now. Tell him... Tell him that he's a liar and that he promised he wouldn't do something stupid! Tell him that he's in so much trouble when I see him again and that I think he's insane, but that I fucking love him so much. I love him so much that I'll take him as a liar any day if it means I get to see his face over and over. Please, pass the message along and please tell him to be safe."

Finny is looking anywhere but my eyes. All he would see is redness and tears if he were to look at them. I may be reading too much into this, but I swear I see him covered in guilt. Either that or he feels sorry for me.

When he doesn't say anything, I take my cue to walk away. I could only hug Harry's hoodie in my arms so tight and further convince myself that I haven't lost him.

_____

I was forced back to bed with Penny in my constant care when I was found gripping at the walls to keep me from falling. According to my dad, it was either her or one of the other volunteers that I didn't nearly trust enough. I figured I would cooperate. I didn't want to be alone, I was slowly admitting it to myself. It was beginning to hurt too much.

I wasn't ready to be asked what happens next. Truth, I'm utterly embarrassed over how things played out. The more awake I am with only me and my thoughts, the more times it all replays in my head—the more I realize I'm responsible for the outcome.

"I brought you food," Penny announces, coming to my bedside with a tray of lunch.

I slowly sit up and Penny rests it on my lap. "You didn't have to," I say as I look at a sandwich cut in fourths, peas on the side, and a cup of applesauce.

"How are you feeling now?"

I half smile, holding the tray on my lap as Penny sits at the end of my bed. "Less light-headed," I admit.

"Good," she says softly and she watches me reach for the cup of applesauce.

I'm not a fan of applesauce. I never liked it or its texture, but I find myself peeling off the foil lid and dipping a plastic spoon for some. It isn't until it was on my tongue that I realized it's not so bad after all.

"You know if you need to talk... about anything... I'm right here," Penny assures and I smile softly for it.

But as I take another spoonful of applesauce, I can tell she's curious to know what happened to me—what happened to the other injured Angelos. "I messed up... bad," I say, suddenly not wanting to eat all over again.

"How?"

"I was overconfident. I really thought I was going to bring my mom home and I thought nobody would get hurt but—" I pause.

"Why? Where's your mom?" She's intrigued. She's moved closer to me.

"This man... Let's just say he's evil and he hated my grandpa so much that he is trying to hurt my mom because of it. Well, he already hurt her years ago, but she managed to escape him. This evil man found her after all these years and he has her," I explain as light as I could.

"He has her? And so you tried to save her?"

Slowly, I nod. "But I failed. He still has her and—" I pause again when my throat aches. "It's all my fault."

"No, it's not," she quickly denies.

"All these Angelos are hurt because of me," I tell her, referring to the men being tended by the other volunteers in this infirmary. "Eileen is dead because of me... Who knows who else and... Harry, I don't know where he is."

Before I could even break down again, Penny takes the tray from my lap to set it aside. Then, she climbs onto my bed to comfort me with another hug. "It's not your fault."

I let the teenage girl hug me. I even lean into her body as she holds me as if we're family. "I wasn't ready," I then say and all I can think about is Harry. "He didn't like the plan and I didn't listen. I should've listened."

"You wanted to save your mom," she reasons. "I wanted to save my mom, too, but that didn't work out for me, either."

Looking at Penny, I'm intrigued this time. I realize I don't know anything about her mother. It's something I wondered about when she lost her father. "How so, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Sophie and I used to live with her in Chicago. Dad moved here after they separated. Everything was fine until Mom brought home a boyfriend. Let's just say he was evil, too."

"Oh."

"My mom's boyfriend would hurt her every night after a month of living with us. Whenever he was gone, I would try to convince my mom to leave him. Finally, she agreed to take Sophie and me to LA so that we can live with Dad again. Except, she ditched us at the bus station. She left her fourteen-year-old and toddler alone at the bus station to fend for themselves. Luckily, we boarded the bus without being questioned and we made it to LA. I thought Sophie and I were about to have a perfect family, but I thought wrong."

"I'm so sorry." It's painful to think I'm not the only one hurting.

"And with Dad dying," she says. "We have no one now."

Resting my cheek above her head, I sigh when I know how she feels. Without Harry, I couldn't feel anymore alone in this world. But I stroke her hair back when I lift my head and I tell her, "You and Sophie have me."

For a while, she stays curled up next to me. Neither of us moves, even if I feel pressure against my bruised side. Then she lifts her head. "I forgot," she starts before reaching into the pocket of her jacket. "I managed to swipe this for you."

I look down at Penny's hand and find a boxed pregnancy test. My lips part and a wash of nervousness comes over me when I take it from her. I then tuck it under my blanket. I want to hide it from everyone around me, but also hide it from myself.

"For your own piece of mind," she tells me and I don't think she understands the weight of a pregnancy test right now to me.

"Thanks," I say, regardless.

"Of course." As she sits up, she then scoots herself off my bed. "I'm going to see if anyone needs help."

I nod and slowly wave my fingers goodbye. I watch her go before then resting my head back, but my body aches. It hurts so bad as I lie with a sore neck. I try to close my eyes, but it's difficult to rest. I can't rest.

I'm back there, standing at the end of the gun my mom points at me. With Dante in her ear, I was sure that in that moment he might actually convince her to kill me. But when she turned the gun around to kill him instead, I felt too many things at once. Relieved to think she wouldn't hurt me, ashamed to think she would hurt me, devastated to find out the gun had been empty, and incredibly saddened to watch him manipulate her.

I open my eyes again, but they burn. My eyes beg to close again and I grow agitated. With a grunt, I turn on my side to get more comfortable. I give myself another chance and when I close my eyes again, I'm with him.

He kissed the tips of my fingers with sleepy lips. It was always adoring, seeing him in a state where he fights his sleep.

"Goodnight," I whispered to him, encouraging him to rest even if I didn't want him to yet.

"Not yet," he mumbled, kissing my wrist after softly inhaling the scent of my skin. "You smell amazing."

I smiled from his compliment as he scooted closer. He pulled me into him, this time to sniff my neck. With my arm around his shoulder, I laughed again when his light stubble tickled. "Because I showered."

"You always smell so soft," he mumbled against my skin. "warm, too... bright and... I don't know, I'm just obsessed with you."

I slowly pushed him back to hover over his body underneath the sheets. As I sat above his waist, I leaned forward to kiss his tired mouth. I swore I felt how fast his heart raced with my hand over his chest. I could hear my own heart race in the dark and in the privacy of our room.

"I love you, Elle," he whispered. "Believe me when I say that I'll always love you. Nothing and I swear to God nothing, will ever come between us. If I have to move the ocean to get to you, I'll find a way. I love you."

I open my eyes again and I wipe the tears that have seeped out of me over a memory. To think I only have my memories to see his face hurts, but I'll take it.

I lie on my back again and I realize just how miserable I am in this bed. I'm miserable at the thought of having a pregnancy test in the palm of my hand but being too afraid to take it.

I can't stay this way.

With the bit of strength I have left, I sit up and I manage to get out of bed once again. No one is watching me, not even Penny but I'm sure she'd help me if she knew I was on my way to the bathroom to get over my fear.

I walk, slowly, with the box tucked into the pocket of my sweatpants. I make it to the restrooms and when I slip into a stall, I struggle to open the box.

I'm convinced whatever result I get, I will end up devastated. 

Yet, I take it—as Penny had said—for my own peace of mind.

I take the test with me to the sink so that I can wash my hands while I wait. I get a good look at myself in the mirror for the first time since I woke up and I don't like what I see.

I'm bruised, my eyelids are puffy, and I look drained. I have to look away when I'd reminded of my failures.

A few minutes have passed and I finally pick up the test off the counter. I don't look at it, I prepare myself through closed eyes.

Then I see it.

Coving my mouth with my hand, I feel my heart drop at the very same time as my discovery. I end up sinking onto the floor, trying my best to keep from sobbing. Ultimately, I break once again. With my knees tucked to my chest, I find myself right when I said I'd be devastated. I'm crushed.