the doctor didn't like christmas. it wasn't so much the holiday itself as it was the memories associated with it.
he'd spent his first christmas after his last regeneration in london.
a nice little flat in london where they did christmas crackers and ate dinner.
him and rose tyler.
the doctor let out a light sigh.
'it's my first christmas of this regeneration.' he thought glumly. when all he wanted to do was celebrate with her, all he could do was sit around and wait.
'i'm not letting myself wallow.' he thought, determination in his eyes. the tardis buzzed in the background. 'i'm going to do something this christmas.'
as he set the coordinates of the tardis, a sad smile took over his face.
'i'll not forget you, rose.' he thought. 'i'm doing this for you.'
and he knew that everything he did for the rest of his lives would be in memory of her. his rose.
-
"we're boys, you know what boys say in the face of danger?" the doctor was trying to keep the boy calm.
"what?"
"mummy." the flashback overtook him before he could say anything else.
"are you my mummy?" flashes of little jamie came back to him. pulling the mask of jamie's head.
"just this once rose. everybody lives!" the happiness he had felt when he could save them all.
the doctor has picked up jamie out of pure excitement. the look on nancy's face alone was enough to have him riding the high for ages, but to actually get to hold jamie was an incredible feeling.
he had done it. he had saved everyone, and for once, everyone lived.
a smile took over his face, but it was short lived.
only seconds after the memory came to him, he realized that he had no one to share it with.
no one that would understand how he'd felt.
because the only person who would, was trapped in a parallel universe.
and he could never see her again.
-
"when girls are crying are you supposed to talk to them?" the doctor panicked at the question.
"i have absolutely no idea." rose never really cried in front of him.
there had been a few times she had gotten upset, even angry, but she always kept herself in check.
then, she was crying on that beach and all he could do WAS talk to her.
he couldn't hug her or hold her or tell her it would be ok.
it was the last time he'd ever talk to her.
and knowing that the love his life had cried for him in that manner broke his hearts.
-
"better a broken heart than no heart at all." the doctor could honestly say he was speaking from experience.
even though his hearts still broke at the thought of never seen rose again, he knew it was better to have loved her and lost her than to have never loved her at all.
"try it. you try it." was the only response he got. the doctor sighed softly.
he HAD.
when he lost rose.
and he had lost her twice.
"alright. both of you, answer me this." both doctors walked towards her. "when i last stood here on this beach, on the worst day of my life, what was the last thing you said to me?"
neither of them spoke up.
"we'll go on, say it." the first doctor spoke up.
"i said rose tyler."
"and how was that sentence going to end?" her eyes pleaded with him for the answer she wanted to hear. but he couldn't do it.
"does it need saying?" he watched her heart break as he let her go again, giving her the life that she deserved.
he was still trying to convince himself of his statement every single day.
that it was better a broken heart then no heart at all.
but no amount of wishing could will her back to him.
she was gone, forever this time.
and there was nothing he could do but accept that.
-
"could you do it? could you do this? think about it doctor. one last day with your beloved. which day are you choosing?" the doctor smiled softly. it was a sad smile.
memories came flashing back to him.
rose cowered in a corner, waiting for the mannequin to strike. he grabbed her hand at the right moment.
"run." he looked into her eyes and knew she was special.
they never did stop running.
a smile began creeping up on his face as more memories flashed through his mind.
taking her to new new earth.
discovering a parallel universe with her.
the time he accidentally took her back home 12 months later instead of 12 hours later.
finding out the daleks had survived the time war.
and he let out a sigh.
how could he pick just one? and most of all, how could he convey that to kazaran.
so instead of answering, he just smiled.
because there were no words to tell this man of rose tyler, and how much he loved her.
and the doctor didn't even want to try.
-
"it'll be their last day together won't it." the doctor smiled, although sad. that seemed to be a theme for him in this regeneration.
"everything's got to end sometime otherwise nothing would ever get started." he tries to remind himself that when he began traveling with rose he knew that.
he knew that it would end someday, because he was a regenerating, time traveling, alien and she was human.
and as the doctor looked up at the snow, he was reminded that he knew.
he knew it wouldn't last, he knew it eventually end. but he didn't know it would end like that.
and if that hadn't ended, martha and donna and amy and rory wouldn't have started. it needed to end, eventually.
for her sake as much as his.
but he hated it because he'd rather nothing end. he doesn't like endings.
and he'd rather nothing new start if it meant keeping rose.