[FINN]
"Have a pint with me."
"It's 9am, mate."
"You're dating an American, what's that they say? 5'clock somewhere and that?"
"I'm not having a beer right now, Jack."
I was thankful when a pleasant distraction intercepted the inevitable protest that was to come, unable to control my smile as Harrison escorted Anna into the room. We were in Amsterdam for the weekend to play a big music festival and I'd flown my sister in with hopes to cheer her up. Her favorite band was headlining and she was going through a rough break-up, things with Jake having gone south right after their American holiday.
I pulled her into a tight hug, rocking her back and forth.
"I didn't know we got VIP passes," she muttered excitedly as we disconnected, showing off her neon wristband. "Does that mean we get to go backstage everywhere?"
Pete and Ace were already out on the field exploring and surely up to no good, but Jack came over and wrapped his own practical flesh and blood in a hug.
"'Course you get VIP passes, love. Your brother is the belle of the ball."
"Come off it," I mumbled, giving her a sincere smile as I crossed my arms. While Jack's rationale was exaggerated and didn't have to do with me in particular, he wasn't completely wrong - we had a pretty good set time and the band had been given incredible access. I was happy I was able to swing getting Anna there, but was still a bit bitter someone else had declined the invite. "We do get to go wherever the hell we please, though. Want to go explore?"
"Obviously."
We walked out of the dressing rooms and down a short hallway, pushing the door open against a gusty breeze. I took my jacket off, slinging it over Anna's shoulders seeing as she wasn't exactly dressed for the chilly weather, wearing nothing but a sundress. She accepted it graciously, wrapping it further around herself as we walked side by side, my hands blindly digging through the jacket pocket closest to me. I retrieved my lighter and the packet of cigarettes, sliding one out before shoving it in my back pocket.
"I had a hunch the vape wouldn't last long," she sighed with disappointment, judging me as I slipped the cigarette between my lips and blocked the wind to light it. "Still not great, but better than the real thing."
"I lost it," I admitted, inhaling deeply and welcoming the familiar feeling stirring in my chest. "It's a battle for another day."
The festival grounds were fairly empty still since the gates hadn't opened yet, giving us about an hour to walk around before the craziness ensued. I had the lineup pulled up on my phone, pointing out various stages alongside which bands would be playing there. Proudly, I gestured to the main stage, taking in the size of it and the vast field space in front.
"We're fucking playing there, isn't that mental?" I exhaled with pure excitement, though even that felt like an understatement. Our days blended together with packed schedules and new cities so a lot of accomplishments were brushed under the rug, but this particular one felt surreal. "I remember coming here when I was 18, drunk off my arse and just having the time of my life. I would have never dreamed I'd be playing the main stage."
"Big brother is a rockstar," she squeezed my hip, hugging me from the side. "It's going to be amazing, I can feel it. Thank you for flying me out."
I took another drag, feeling my frustrations and disappointment return but swallowing them both for Anna's sake. Given there were just crew members rushing around to get things finalized and a handful of solo band members wandering the property, I figured then was as good a time as any to address the elephant in the room.
"How are you holding up?" The smoke filtered out from between my lips as I spoke. "You look alright."
"I've been here 30 minutes," she laughed humorlessly, shaking her head and pulling her gaze away from mine in that familiar way that told me she was trying not to cry. "I know it's stupid, we weren't properly together that long. I just really liked him, you know. I got used to having him around."
"I knew he was a twat."
Expectedly, Anna rolled her eyes - but it seemed as though my attempt to make light of a shit situation was the final push, a single tear rolling down her cheek. When I saw a few more join it, I pulled her into my side, wrapping my arms around her shoulders.
The cigarette wobbled from between my lips as I spoke carefully to keep it in place. "C'mon, Ann. You'll be alright. Us men are just idiots, yeah? The lot of us, myself included. He doesn't know what he's missing."
"I know."
I reached one hand up to pull the cigarette from my lips so I could plant a kiss on her forehead. "And we're quite the pair, we've been through some tough shit. I've got your back, you'll be alright."
"I know."
"Say the word and I'll kick his arse."
We began walking again with no particular destination, just enjoying one another's company. A comfortable silence surrounded us, the segue natural from the topic prior.
"How's your lady?" She asked inquisitively, sounding genuinely interested. While it was refreshing to speak about Rory, given the few that knew about her, I wasn't exactly in the mood to talk. "I'm pleasantly surprised, Finn. I told you, when we met briefly, she seems quite cool. A wonderful improvement from anyone I've met before."
"You've only met Bridgette."
"Right, and that one you were banging. Not a fan."
I cringed, remembering the awkward run-in. My chest did swell with pride when it came to Rory, though my head was taken over by uncertainty. "Right, yeah. Rory is good."
She was quiet and naturally, that was my encouragement to ramble. I didn't need much of a push, so much on my mind in the three weeks since I'd seen her last.
"I'm crazy about her but she does my head in," I sighed, taking a final drag of the cigarette before tossing it and stomping it out. "She was meant to be here this weekend. I was literally about to book it, had the flight picked and everything. I wanted her here, it's a big deal we're playing this. She loves music, it just made sense. And she said no, said some work shit is going on. But I know better, I know she doesn't want to be seen with me."
"Are you sure you're not jumping to conclusions?"
"No, I'm not," I muttered, shaking my head and staring down at my feet as we walked. "I know she's super private, she doesn't like the attention. And it's giving her a headache at work, rumors around me. I don't want to make things more complicated for her, but I did promise I'd be on my best behavior. We could act like friends, appear as friends, anywhere public. She still wasn't about it and it fucking sucks, I really wanted her here."
"I'm sorry, bub," she rubbed my arm, brushing her fingers over my bicep. I shrugged, attempting to appear more unfazed than I actually was - though I could feel my walls dropping with her comforting presence. "I get it, but I'm sure she doesn't mean to hurt you. She's been in the spotlight her whole life, it's honestly a good thing she doesn't like it. You'd question her intentions otherwise."
"That's fair," I hummed. "I just wish we could just be, you know? I'm in so much trouble, Anna. I know it's not only been a couple months, but this one has a hold on me. I don't know, I have a good feeling. I just need to crack her."
"Well, be patient and be good to her. This one must be special, I've never heard you talk about a bird like this."
"I'll be good. I have no interest elsewhere. I just wish she was here, that's all."
Anna nodded as we fell into a comfortable silence. I wasn't sure what came over me, but I felt the need to tell her, immediately flushing. "Oh, I invited her to mum's run."
"You did?"
"Yeah," I admitted with a light laugh. "Dunno, it was a bit impulsive. Is that too much?"
"No, Finn," she smiled softly, shaking her head. "I think that's so good, she must mean a lot to you then. Do you think she'll come?"
I spoke surely, as if my words would will her to come - though if I was being honest with myself, I really had no idea. "Yeah, I think she will."
The day went by fast, Jack's antics and constant harassment for everyone to be on his level eventually working. Whether a good thing or not, my alcohol tolerance was a bit higher than the average person so while I was feeling pleasantly buzzed, Anna was nearing the danger zone.
Our set time was nearing but we had a good hour before we needed to be at the main stage as I grabbed a water bottle from the cooler, walking over to my sister. She was cackling at something Pete was saying as I replaced the beer cup in her hand with the water, knocking back the rest of the lukewarm liquid before guiding her away from the bad influences.
"Where are we going?"
"For a brisk walk," I laughed, watching her wobble slightly and try to keep up. "Don't want you to get sick, let's get you something to eat."
The catering tent seemed like our best bet but it was a further walk and Anna had already slowed, seeing some of the food trucks lined up. I gave in, sliding on my sunglasses in hopes to somewhat deter any attention - though it was futile. While Anna devoured cheese fries faster than I'd seen any single human consume anything before, I spoke with various fans who approached me - enjoying the conversations and taking a variety of pictures. By the time she was done, she offered me a dazed smile, looping her arm though mine and guiding me away.
"Where are we going?" I cheekily repeated her earlier statement, blindly following.
"I heard someone playing, I wanted to see who it is."
I could hear the song as we approached the stage, realization dawning on me before I got the visual confirmation. Low and behold, the enigma I'd only vaguely heard about was front and center as I hesitantly followed Anna to the VIP section closest the stage, my curiosity getting the best of me. The music was blaring from the speakers and my pride wouldn't allow any expression other than disinterest as I crossed my arms, watching the stage.
While I'd heard Max's name every now and again, I'd never seen the bloke perform - let alone, in person - and was beyond surprised at the sorry sight unfolding in front of me. While objectively speaking, the band wasn't bad - could argue they were good, even - Sinful Youth's infamous frontman painted enough of a picture to help me put the puzzle pieces together.
He was very clearly fucked up, open wine bottle in one hand, joint in the other - though seemed to be high on more than that as he flailed his arms around, eyes half shut while singing into the mic. His eyes shot open to reveal blown out pupils as he made eye contact with a few girls at the front of the crowd, smirking and silently encouraging them over while he continued to belt out the song. When they neared, the crowd cheered - though anyone with a right mind was taken aback by the situation, watching as Max showered them in red wine. Clearly displeased and surprised, they shouted a few things at him as he laughed before getting annoyed, giving them the bird and carrying on.
"Oh wow, what a dick."
Anna's comment fueled the fire growing in my chest, my jaw clenched. "That's Rory's ex."
"No way in hell."
"Yeah," I muttered, rubbing over my chin blindly.
While I was sure I was a bit biased going into it, I could confidently say I'd never been so disgusted by a human being. Their set wrapped and my eyes were trained on him, watching as he very publicly treated the stage hands and crew like shit as he walked off stage. The minute his feet were on the ground, he wrapped his arms around two girls and disappeared into a tent backstage.
"Isn't he engaged?"
"Solid lad," I laughed but nothing was funny, completely in shock by what we'd witnessed. My brain couldn't compute that the girl I felt was crafted by the gods just for me could ever have put up with someone so obviously vile. "What a fucking prick."
Sensing my shift in mood, Anna grabbed my arm and guided me away from the scene of the crime, heading back towards our designated tent. She was quiet for a second, allowing me to process everything.
"That shocks me," she eventually admitted, shaking her head sadly. "I mean, maybe he was a better guy then?"
"No," I blurted out, though my rationale was jam-packed with blind spots. "I know he wasn't."
"What happened there?"
I swallowed the lump in my throat, shaking my head very slowly in frustration. "I really don't know."
"You don't know?"
My brain was flipping through the pages of my memories with Rory, remembering various conversations - more accurately, attempts - to get her to talk about Max. I kept picking up on little anomalies in her behavior. She appeared so confident when I first met her, but I was learning just how far she strayed from that in the details - the need to wear elaborate lingerie when we were intimate but couldn't hold eye contact in it, the constant self deprecating jokes, the lack of any sort of confidence in me. I knew the subtle comments she had made about her arsehole ex boyfriend were the tip of the iceberg, but she would not let me under the surface of the water - no matter how hard I tried.
"I know nothing, really, besides what I've picked up on," I sighed, feeling guilty though I knew it wasn't my fault. "She won't talk about it. The majority of what I know is what I've pulled from Googling it."
"You shouldn't do that."
"What choice do I have?" I exhaled in frustration, reaching for the cigarette packet in my back pocket. Anna grabbed my arm, silently stopping me as we continued walking. "I thought of maybe texting her best friend, her sister. Just asking them, since she clearly isn't going to tell me."
"That's an idiotic idea, don't do that," she expectedly responded. "Don't snoop, Finn. She'll tell you eventually, there's clearly a reason she's not opening up about it."
"Which is precisely why I feel like I need someone else in her life to give me what she won't."
"Don't do it, I'm telling you."
"I don't think it's a bad idea, I have good intentions."
"Finn, don't do it."
"Fine, I won't."
I was lying through my teeth.
-
Our set went better than planned and we were all on an unimaginable high, having played for the biggest crowd in our career. The energy backstage was electric, palpable even, and I gladly accepted the Jameson bottle passed to me. Various crew members and familiar faces were congratulating us, my back beginning to get sore from all of the congratulatory pats and slaps. Anna pulled me into a tight hug and I knew she was proud, given that I was drenched in sweat and for once, she didn't care.
"It was unreal, boys," she raved, stepping away from me to hug the rest of the lads. I took it as my cue to check my phone, curious to see if I'd gotten a response. "Seriously, you absolutely crushed it."
I had. I read over the words, chewing on my cheek and crafting a response. I hadn't noticed that Anna was walking over to me, realizing too late and overcompensating as I pulled my phone to my chest to block the screen. She eyed me curiously as realization dawned on her features, her expression suddenly very agitated.
"You idiot. You texted."
I smirked, giving her the answer she already knew. She shook her head, groaning dramatically.
"Boys! You're so stupid!"
"Be nice."
"No, you don't deserve nice," she chided, attempting to see the screen but it was futile. "Why ask my opinion then if you're going to just do the opposite?"
"To be fair, I wasn't really asking for an opinion. You just shared it."
"I'll say it again, idiot."
Our row lasted a bit longer but she finally gave up, muttering a string of profanities at me and shaking her head as she went to grab a beer. Everyone else was distracted, excited to go see the headliner and meet up with a few friends who were out in the crowd. While everyone else was on that same contact high, I sat quietly in the corner - having a very important conversation with a stranger I was very thankful for. As we went back and forth for awhile, I could feel my spirits falling by the second - Em's responses digging the hole deeper and deeper. While I was sure she left some details out, she told me far more than I expected - enough to paint much more of the picture.
My chest ached and I somehow felt even more sure about Rory and I, confident that with time, I could replace some of her worst memories with far better ones.
Anna watched me curiously as I slipped my phone into my pocket, scurrying over to take one more pull from the whiskey bottle before we went and immersed ourselves in all of the chaos. When we went to walk out, trailing behind everyone else, I threw my arm over her shoulder.
"You're going to regret that."
"Regret what? I've no clue what you're talking about."
-
I finished hugging all of the familiar faces, buzzing off of all of the energy as we waited for the main act to go on. As always, it didn't take long for my mind to drift - wishing so badly I had my girl with me. I knew we'd be off to the side, lost in our own little world of inside jokes and subtle glances. I felt eyes on me, looking over to see Keira's familiar drunken gaze. That was the final push I needed as I made my decision, attempting to sneak away from the group.
"Where the fuck are you going?" Jack slurred in surprise, grabbing the neck of my shirt and keeping me in place. "You snake, think you can just slither out of here unnoticed?"
I was laughing, holding my hands up in surrender when I turned around. Even Anna looked shocked I was about to leave, my explanation somewhat drowned out by the noises around us.
"I just want to go catch this other band."
"Who the fuck is more important?"
"I just have to, man. Sorry," I patted his shoulder, Jack's eyes rolling back in his head in annoyance. I glanced over at Anna, subtly mouthing to her, "One of Rory's favorite bands."
She smiled softly, nodding her head. "I can go with you."
I scoffed. "You flew in for them. You're staying right here."
I made my exit, buying just enough time to be stopped by a handful of drunken fans along the way and have polite - but brief - encounters before the band went on. I pushed through the VIP section, waving when I heard my name occasionally shouted. I stood in the back of the section off to the side, wanting as much privacy as possible at a concert.
The universe seemed to be rewarding me as Rory picked up on the last ring, just in time for the band to walk out onstage. I could see her face but she wasn't looking at me, realization dawning on her features with a wide, wide smile that made missing one of my favorite bands worth it.
I held the phone up for the first two songs, just happy to see her and happy to see her happy. I was tired and in a buzzed daze, drunk off the liquor and seeing her face. My battery was dying as I flipped the screen so she was looking at me. I furrowed my eyebrows, focusing on her lips as she tried to mouth slowly what she was trying to shout to me.
You look good.
I grinned, feeling the embarrassing fluttering in my stomach. I chewed on my bottom lip, before mouthing back, You too. As always.
She tried to say something but I watched my battery drop more and was unable to hear her, pointing at my ear. She nodded knowingly, sighing. I blew her a quick kiss, hanging up and sliding it back into my pocket. Though they were mid song, I hastily made my way back to where I came from, hoping to catch the second half of the other set.
I wouldn't tell Rory, but her band was trash.