The next morning, I woke up feeling some relief. My abortion was booked for this coming Thursday. Maybe Elliot was right, that I should take advantage and get one while it's still legal here in New York.
Speaking of Elliot, I really wanted to text him. I wanted to see if he was okay. I mean, obviously he wasn't. He was still in the hospital. But it probably wasn't a good idea.
I got out of bed, put on a tank top and shorts, then sat down to do my socks, which was a pain. My feet were a hundred percent not cooperating today.
Once those were on, I grabbed my crutches and went down the hall to the kitchen. Homemade donuts with chocolate icing were sitting on the table.
"Bon matin, Papa," I said.
"Bon matin," he said, looking up from the computer. "You seem like you're in a good mood. Are you doing okay, Zuri?"
"Yeah," I said, sitting down across from him. "There's something I want to tell you."
"Oh no. Did something else happen with Elliot?"
"No. I haven't heard anything from him or Kathleen." I took a deep breath. "Papa, I've decided I want to get an abortion. Our state doesn't require parental permission, so if you won't take me I'll get Lucy or an Uber to take me. I booked it for Thursday after school."
"What? An abortion?" My dad closed his laptop. "I'm not upset, just very surprised. What made you change your mind?"
"I just think this is the right choice for me. You really can't pay for all my medical bills either. All my doctors' appointments, let alone actually giving birth will cost you a fortune. And then we'll have a baby to feed and clothe and everything else. With everything going on, you know, with Elliot, this seems like the best decision."
"And you don't want to do adoption, either? Are you sure?"
I shook my head. "I think it may just be better if I don't have to go through part of my senior year pregnant. I can't go on the Paris trip if I'm pregnant."
My dad sighed. "Okay. As much as I was looking forward to a baby, this is ultimately your decision and not mine. I can take you. I just have to leave work a little early. I can stay late on Friday to make up the time."
"Thanks Papa."
I spent the rest of the day trying to keep myself busy and focusing on things that weren't Elliot. But it kind of felt like he was everywhere. Pictures of him and I were the home and lock screen on my phone, my profile picture on Facebook and Instagram, and we made so many cute TikToks together.
I had all sorts of gifts and cards from him in my room. I literally saved every single card from him since we were eleven.
I thought getting out of the house would be a good idea, so Lucy picked me up, then went to Emmi's apartment and brought us both to the nature preserve. We laid out a little picnic of things thrown together from our houses. My contributions were some cans of Pepsi and a half-eaten tube of pizza-flavored Pringles.
"You know, my sister had an abortion two years ago, when she was dating that dickbag, Rocky," Lucy said.
I laughed. "Oh, I'll never forget your stories about Rocky."
"The pot brownies at your Fourth of July party was the best one," Emmi said.
Lucy rolled her eyes. "Don't even get me started. Anyway, she said it was the best decision she ever made. She don't need no man. She don't need no baby. And guess what? She's running her salon all on her own and she's killing it."
"Yeah, I don't really know what I want to do with my life, and I do want kids someday, but now isn't the right time," I said.
"And thank goodness we live in a place that still allows abortions," Emmi said.
"Yeah. Thank goodness," I said.
We finished our picnic and went home after dark. I had some of my reheated quesadillas for dinner and watched a new cooking competition show with my dad. Right when I was about to go to bed, I got a text. It was Kathleen telling me that Elliot was going to be moved to the psych ward for a few days since he attempted suicide.
I felt like a monster. I couldn't imagine poor, fragile Elliot up in the psych ward with people hallucinating and screaming. He had to be terrified. I started sobbing uncontrollably on the couch. The guilt was eating me up.
"I know it's difficult, but remember, this was his own fault. He put himself there. Not you," my dad said.
I didn't sleep well that night. I was so tense. I tried to watch some funny TikToks to calm me down, and eventually I fell asleep reading one of my favorite Wattpad stories.
Sunday was a blur of watching TikTok and finally cleaning my messy room. I couldn't control my feelings about Elliot, but I could control how nice my room was while I sat in there, wallowing in my own misery.
Monday was weird. It was weird not seeing Elliot at all. I'd gone to school with him and sat across the table in a special-ed room for years and years. At least I had Tricia to talk to. She was all smiles, ready to go shopping for party decorations.
She was really excited about the baby, too. I didn't want to tell her about the abortion. I wasn't sure she would understand. I planned on telling her next week that there was a problem with the baby and it died or something.
After school, I got on the bus with a few other members of our Best Buddies club. Opal, the girl who got the president spot over me even though she was just a freshman, was checking everyone off as we boarded. It was only the executive team, and a few chaperones going with us to Target today.
We rode the bus over to Target and got off in the front of the store. Tricia was so excited to go shopping that she was practically running inside the building. Ms. Patrick, one of the aides, reeled her in. So we could all listen to Opal.
"Now remember, everyone stay with your buddy when we go into the building. No running. No getting lost," she said.
"That's you, Trish, no wandering. You gotta stay with me," I said to her. She rolled her eyes and huffed.
We walked into the building, then grabbed a shopping cart. Ms. Cortez, who carried a girl named Tessa off the bus, placed her into one of the special Caroline's Carts. Tricia pushed the other one. Now that we had our two carts, the Best Buddies club was ready to take on the store.
Once we went past the greeting cards, we were in the party section. There was a whole spot dedicated to luau-themed decorations. After realizing, as treasurer, that a pinata wasn't in the budget, Tricia told the chaperones she had to use the bathroom.
"Trish, why didn't you go before we left? You do this on every field trip!" I said, chuckling.
"Do you mind taking her, Zuri?" asked Ms. Patrick.
"Of course. Let's go, Trish," I said to her.
We walked away from the party section, and once we were out of sight, Tricia went in the completely opposite direction of the bathroom.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing!" I said, trying to keep up with her as she ran towards the baby section. "You said you had to go to the bathroom."
"Shh," she said, putting her finger to her lips. "I lied. We're doing secret baby shopping for you!"
I looked around me. I was surrounded by adorable, tiny baby outfits. Oh no. This is bad. I'm having second thoughts and I don't want them.
Tricia gasped and took a set of green and yellow onesies off the wrack. "Look at these! They have sheep on them! Oh, and over here are little booties!"
She took down a pair of white sheep booties that matched the onesies. I noticed that there was a matching hat as well. Everything was so small and cute. I saw onesies with little dinosaurs and ones with tiny tutus. I didn't even know if my baby was a boy or a girl...but in time I would.
"Oh, and sleepers! Need these!" Tricia said, adding zip-up lion sleepers to the pile draped over her arm.
"Trish, we gotta get back," I said. "And put that stuff back! The money in the purse they gave you is for decorations and party supplies. Not baby clothes."
"But...you need these."
"And what do you two ladies think you're doing?" We both jumped when we saw Opal coming. I thought her fiery red hair would just turn into flames at this point. "Both of you need to get back to the group."
"Sorry. She ran off and I couldn't catch her," I said. "She wanted to go shopping."
"Tricia, you need to put those clothes back where you found them. Now," Opal said.
"Come on Trish. We can shop some other time," I said, gently taking the clothes from her arm.
The three of us started putting the onesies, sleepers, hats, and booties back on the wracks, but something in me felt strange. It was almost like my heart was breaking at the thought of putting those clothes back.
"Opal?" I asked. "I'm feeling a little lightheaded. I need to get some air before I rejoin the group."
"Oh. Sure. Just come back with me, Tricia," she said.
I walked out to the front of the store as a breeze hit me. When I took out my phone, I started to panic. I felt like I'd been faced with so many decisions these past few days. I didn't know whether I was making the right one, for any of them. Even now, as I had the phone number in front of me, I felt paranoid.
What if the thing I'm about to do is the wrong choice? I guess I'll find out. I pressed the button to dial and put the phone to my ear.
"Hello, Planned Parenthood of South Oak Falls. How can I help you?"
"Hi," I said, closing my eyes. "My name is Zuri Le Fleur. I have an abortion scheduled for this Thursday at four. I'd like to cancel it."