𝗥ueben gnawed on the pad of his thumb as he sat on the edge of his bed. Elbows propped up on his knees, staring down at his socks, he listened to the sounds around him. More specifically – the sound that had only just recently filled the house.
Kaiser was to his left, carrying Rayne to the bathroom. He hadn't looked over at them once. Not when he came into the front of the house, and not when he walked all the way back here with her. Partly because it was hard to look at her; she crossed a major line with him personally, as well as what she chose to spend the better half of her morning doing.
But mostly because he was scared of what he would see. When Kaiser called him two hours ago, he had been woken out of his sleep only to find her warm body missing and her bodyguard absolutely frantic because she had snuck off and purposely lost him on the freeway. He knew then that not only had she tricked Kaiser, but also himself – he had been awake before she left which was when they decided to share an intimate moment.
He tapped his fingers against his temple; it made him feel sick.
To use sex as a means of getting him out of the way?—he didn't even recognize her.
"Sir?"
Rueben looked to the side and watched as Kaiser took a few cautious steps in his direction. After he called him, he used the tracking chip he'd implanted in Rayne's phone when they first met. The only time he's ever used it before was when she didn't show up for trial.
Using it, combined with that terrible fucking memory, made his heart churn.
"How is she?" he asked, standing up.
"I think you should just see for yourself, sir."
He frowned, but it was only at that moment did he realize the disarray that he stood before him in. Typically, Kaiser was a very posh guy – he never had a hair out of place, but right now, he was the complete opposite.
His suit shirt was untucked and his jacket was caked in dirt. The rain from this morning must have soaked through because some of his clothing had patches of lighter areas, and others, darker. The white button-up he had on was now a mix of faded brown with a tinge of red.
He couldn't figure out if it was because he was chasing his disobedient girlfriend, or if it was because he had to pick up and bring in said disobedient girlfriend.
"What is she doing?"
"I think she may be taking a shower," Kaiser looked solemnly over his shoulder at the closed bathroom door, "—it was really cold this morning; when I found her, she was sitting in a puddle, shivering."
"Sitting in a puddle?" he drew his head back in shock.
"Yes, sir."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure, sir – she hasn't spoken."
"At all?"
Kaiser shook his head, "Only once, a few seconds ago, when I asked her if she wanted me or you to keep her company, or if she needed anything from us, sir."
"And what did she say?"
"That she wanted you."
Rueben closed his eyes and exhaled softly, thinking it over. Of course, he wanted to walk in there and comfort her, but he wasn't sure what he could do for her. He was happy that if she was going to talk to anyone, it would be him, but he was just so angry over how she treated him and for going against what everyone else wanted and confronting Enzo.
When he opened his eyes, he knew what he was going to do.
He wasn't going to make excuses for her actions, but he also wasn't going to villainize her either. They just needed to have a conversation. There was a reason why she did what she did today; he just needed to give her a moment to explain that.
Would he like all of her answers? Probably not.
But would he still listen because that's what you do in a relationship? Yes.
"Thanks, Kaiser," Rueben tapped his shoulder as he passed him, "Take the day off."
"Uh – sir?"
He paused and turned around to look at him, "Yes?"
"Do you mind if I stick by for a little bit? I want to make sure she's okay."
A soft smile crept up the side of his face. While he could admit, that stupidly, he suspected there to be feelings between the two of them, he could now see how innocent it all was. Now, all he was, was elated that Rayne had someone like him to rely on. As a bodyguard, he didn't need to care for her above the job, but he was thankful that he did anyway.
"Yeah," he nodded, "I think Rayne would like that."
"Great," Kaiser sighed, smiling, "I'll be in the living room."
Rueben nodded gently as he left the room. After taking a moment to collect himself, he walked over to the bathroom door and pulled it open, slipping inside.
He kept his face toward the door, closing it again, engulfing himself in the steamy room. With one hand on the doorknob, and one hand flat against the wood of it, he inhaled deeply. The shower was loud behind him, but he knew that she would be able to hear him over it.
He wanted – needed – to say some words before he turned and faced her.
"Rayne," he said slowly, "I know you've asked for me, and while I'm here to help you, I want you to know that things between us are ... not okay. After this, I think we need to have a lengthy conversation about what we even want out of this relationship."
A few seconds ... then a few minutes passed without a word of response from her. Rueben, with his forehead now against the wall, closed his eyes in an attempt to simmer the irritation that was making its way around the blood vessels in his body. He had a lot of understanding for the woman behind him, but in a time like this, she couldn't even acknowledge him?– fuck that.
He spun around, "Are you just going to ignore me—!?"
Rueben stopped abruptly, shutting his own mouth at the sight before him. When Kaiser told him that she was going to take a shower because the rain had been cold, he thought that he meant a normal one. However, as he gazed upon her, he had to blink away the sheer surprise.
She sat in the center of the shower floor, unmoving; her legs were bent at the knee and pressed into her chest as she stared blankly straight ahead. She was still fully clothed, sitting directly under the stream of hot water – she hadn't even taken her shoes off.
The hoodie on her upper body seemed to be weighing her down, but it didn't look like it bothered her in the slightest. He could barely see her face, as the black fabric was on her head, covering most of it.
"Rayne?" he said softly.
Still nothing.
Rueben moved from his spot and grabbed the shower door, pulling it open. Ignoring the temperature of the water – which was burning hot – he walked inside and kneeled on the ground next to her. Slowly and softly, he reached a hand to her face, pulling her hood off.
"My love?" he said again.
It seemed to take his touch to snap her out of her zombie state because the moment she felt his fingers graze her cheek, she flinched and turned to face him. Anything he thought previously went soaring out the window just based on the look she gave him.
Like a wounded bird.
A stray and starving fox.
Those beautiful, golden eyes that he'd fallen for so long ago never looked duller than they did now. They did not hum with energy. They did not look full of life. Instead, as he pushed the pieces of blonde and auburn hair that were sticking to her face with the water, he couldn't see anything in them. It was like he'd just rang the doorbell to her mind, and even though she'd opened the door for him – nobody was home.
"Baby," he sat on the ground next to her, "What happened?"
Rayne absentmindedly blinked at him. Her mouth was in the shape of a line – and nothing about her facial features indicated that she had control over them. It was like she was a puddle of puddy in his hands, melting under in the hot water, allowing herself to be strewn apart.
"You have to talk to me," he said quietly, "Let me know how I can help you."
Finally, something appeared on her face.
A quick little hint that she was still kicking inside of her head.
"You can't," she finally said.
Her voice was so harsh, and raspy – like using it again was a task she hadn't accomplished in many years. His eyebrows raised at her words as he watched the rest of the dissociation fog clear from the front of her face. Soon, her face came to life.
But not in the way he remembered.
She was different. Whatever happened today must have left a cloud of unease over her body because she was not the woman he'd spent months alongside. She was the eggshell of who he thought he knew, and somewhere in the back of his mind, he always suspected that this would happen. Sooner or later, the ruins of her entire life would cave in on her, and even though he didn't know what happened just yet, he could tell that the floors of her personal world were shaking.
"Talk to me," he urged again.
She looked at him with every emotion and none of them at the same time, "I'm tired."
"What?"
Rayne's bottom lip trembled, shaking the lines of water that had been making its way down in steady streams. One of his hands clasped to her back in the moment, and the other stayed on her face, tucking her hair behind her ear.
"I am so, so tired," she whispered.
"What do you mean? Do you need to rest?"
She shook her head, "No, Rueben," she inhaled shakily, "I am tired of living."
His eyebrows shot up at the sound of her words. With the pounding sounds of the shower hitting the floor with a dull, repetitive splash, her voice and her thoughts became animated.
"Talk to me," he pleaded this time.
"I can't do it anymore," she said, hugging her legs more, "I can't – I can't keep fighting. I am s-so tired of everything. I want to curl up in a ball and pretend like I'm not alive – or rather, I don't want to be alive anymore. I can't keep doing this."
"Doing what?"
"Running in circles!" she cried, raising her voice, "I am always at the center of everything! I can't do it! I can't keep acting as if everything is okay, and like my life is going the way I want it to. It's like every single time I find a moment to breathe, I turn, and there's another fucking truck on its unstoppable way to hit me," she covered her eyes with her hands, "—My father was a monster and my mother left us with him on purpose. I lost the only person who made me feel complete, and my older brother—" she hiccupped and stopped.
He waited a moment for her to finish her sentence.
When she didn't, he asked her, "What about him, Red?"
"I hate him," she muttered, "I don't hate him."
Rueben cocked his head to the side and watched her curiously. Obviously, her statement was a contradiction in itself, but it left so many questions. He desperately wanted her to explain everything in depth to him, starting from her interaction with Enzo, but he decided that wasn't the best course of action. If she was going to continue speaking, he was going to let her do it on the track she was currently on.
"I'm confused; which one is it?"
She shook her head in her hands, "Why can't I hate him?"
"Because he's family—?"
"He's not!" she yelled, turning around; she wrapped one of her hands around the collar of his shirt, tugging him down. Her amber eyes were now alive with feeling, "You don't get it—I shot him out of hatred, but I purposely missed because I needed answers. But then," she relaxed her body and gazed elsewhere, looking so wounded, "When the opportunity came to kill him without a doubt, I hesitated because I care about him, and he got away."
He bit down on his thoughts regarding her gun use, "It's okay."
"It's not," she sobbed, leaning her forehead into his chest, "I ruined everything."
It took her saying that to realize that this was the brink of her breakdown. That was the final chopping block that cut the lid off the bottle of emotions she'd been secretly harboring inside herself.
One thing that he always appreciated about her was the fact that she was consistently self-aware. Alas, it was her biggest downfall; no matter what it was, if she felt the blame was on her shoulders, she would anchor this feeling to her body with the hope of sinking in it. No matter which voice of reason was in her ear, reminding her that she was not alone, she never asked anyone to detach it.
She would rather drown to atone than fix what she thought was irreparable.
"You didn't ruin anything, Rayne. We'll get him later—"
"Why don't you hate me?" she interrupted him, sitting up, "Why do you love me?"
"What are you talking about?" he grabbed her face with both hands, "Why should or shouldn't I?"
Rayne's face crumbled, "Because I am a mess?—everyone knows what they're doing! You and Isaac and Mason – you all know what you're fighting for, you have a reason. Kai and Kaedyn, even though they got in trouble, still know what they're doing; they always have! Even Enzo knows what he's doing, but me?—" her voice cracked, "What am I doing?"
She grabbed onto the front of his soaked shirt, not caring about anything else. Her eye contact now was so connected to him, that it was overwhelming, but he didn't dare look away.
"—all I do is ruin things," she continued, "I don't listen. I'm selfish. I take my friends for granted. I can't love you the way you deserve. I – I –" she fell apart, "If I just died – if I was taken out of the picture, then everything would be fine. Matteo would be fine. Ruby would be fine. You would be with someone who is put together, someone who can give you more than I wish to give you. They wouldn't senselessly hurt you in return for putting their feelings first. They would—"
"Stop it," he cut her off, "Stop it right now."
"No," she said weakly, dipping and shaking her head, "It's the truth. It's always hard to hear."
"It is not, Rayne," he said sternly, grabbing her chin to force eye contact again. She tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let her, "—the real truth is this: you know that your actions can hurt the people you surround yourself with, but you still do them. You know this, but you keep doing it, that is your downfall, but you do not get to push everyone who loves you regardless, away because of that. You know what's wrong, and you want to fix it, but the resolution being death?—that's not acceptable. You don't get to cause pain and then try to escape it like that, do you understand me? It is not acceptable to me!" his voice was beginning to break too, "How dare you assume that I wouldn't love you despite your thoughts – despite your actions – as if I have not done my fair share of fucked up things? How dare you question my feelings for you! Now that is the truth and that fucking hurts!"
She finally managed to pull herself away from him; she fell back against the floor of the shower with anger lacing her features. Without saying anything, she used her hands to back herself up until there was a gaping space between the both of them.
Her back lined the shower wall, and his, the glass half.
Rayne's body heaved as she cried silently. He wanted so badly to close this space and reach out to her again, but this time, he couldn't. He wouldn't allow himself to. There were many things that he never wanted her to feel, and while this used to be one of them, he could no longer deny that.
If she hated the way she acted out, then she had to change.
Doing that would have to come from her and her alone. If she wanted to be better, she had to take the steps by herself. Would he let her complete the journey alone? No – of course not. He would hold her hand the whole way because if he did not, then he would not deserve the woman she would make of herself. But, those first few steps?—that was her decision to make; those had to be done independently.
"I'm sorry," she drawled after another five minutes.
"Okay," he nodded.
"You are right," she rubbed her eyes vigorously, "I cannot say that I do not like something, and then continue to do it without taking responsibility for it. Life isn't that easy."
Rueben looked at her sideways, through the stream of water as she lifted her head and leaned the back of it against the wall. Her cheeks were red and her nose was runny with the pain she'd just pushed herself through, but she still looked as beautiful as ever.
Water dripped down the shoulder-length strands of her multi-colored hair, falling onto the clothed parts of her petite frame. Her eyelashes, black with mascara and long, blinked slowly, shielding, and uncovering her eyes.
"Come here," he announced.
"What?" she tilted her head back down.
He raised a hand, "Come here."
She didn't answer, just shook her head a little bit.
Rueben closed his eyes and calmed himself down, "Rayne, come here or I'm going to you."
When he opened them again, he was happy to see that, although fitfully, she was crawling across the tiles and right between his legs. She sat back on her heels, blinking at him.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
Her lip trembled, "No."
"Do you—"
"Can I touch you?" she interrupted.
He drew his head back just a little, "Of course?—you don't have to ask that."
As soon as his sentence concluded, she threw her arms around his neck and looped her legs over his waist, straddling him. Her green apple scent swallowed him whole as she dove into his body, shaking like a madman. He sadly listened to her cry against his skin, but did not hug her back.
Not yet.
"I'm sorry, Rue," she sobbed, "You're right — I'll be done with everything."
A spear shot across his chest, impaling his heart – does that include me?
"What do you mean?" he cautiously asked.
"With all of the drama. I'm done getting myself involved in things I told you I never would when we first met. From now on, until we know for sure where Matteo is, I'm not going to be a part of it. I just want to go back to being a lawyer – go back to my job, where I was always meant to be. I don't want to get in the way anymore, and I don't want to keep pretending to be someone I'm not. I don't want to be a problem; I don't want to hurt anyone."
"Okay—"
"I just want to be with you. I don't want you to find someone else, I want you to want to be with me."
"Rayne, I—"
She cut him off again, "I'll go back to therapy. I'll never trick Kaiser again. I'll be good, and I'll listen to you when you're just trying to protect me, and I'll listen to Jonah and not involve myself. I'll do anything to be with you. Please don't leave me—"
"Rayne!" he said – it was his turn to interject her words.
She went to respond to him, but he just grabbed onto her arms and pulled her back, allowing them to look at each other again. Like a magnet, his hand attached itself to the side of her face; she swooned into it, looking at him with so much pain and so much hope, that he, himself, could have exploded.
"I'm not leaving you. I do want to be with you, my beautiful girl," he rubbed his thumb against her cheek, "I just needed you to take your own steps – to make your own path, and you've done it. You make me happy. You make me proud; I don't want to ever lose you."
"I'll be good, I promise," she rushed out.
"I just want you to be happy."
"You make me so."
Rayne leaned in and placed her mouth on his, claiming him just like the first time. He was instantly sent back to that day under the stars and under the pouring rain. He couldn't help but subconsciously smile at the memory; she had told him about her problems communicating that day. Now, here they were, months later, becoming better versions of themselves together.
He reached up and wrapped his fingers in the back of her hair, pushing her head closer to him than humanly possible. He gasped through the water and lack of oxygen as he slid his mouth in unison against her lips – as they played the game of love they'd both greedily memorized by now.
Her hands swooped up the curves of his neck, forcing her fingers through the tangles in the messy, wet, back of his hair. His other hand snaked around her lower back, pushing her body to his tightly, reeling in the feeling of the only person he's ever loved touching him so intimately.
"I love you," she breathed.
"Te amo," (I love you) he replied, "Mi cielo de está tierra." (my heaven on Earth).
Rayne half-laughed, half-cried as she pulled her lips off and rested her forehead on his. He smiled and placed his hands on her thigh, rubbing them gently.
"What would I do without you?" she asked.
"Die," he teased
"Hey," she pouted, "Too soon," then, a smile, "—but true."
"I'm sorry," he kissed the brim of her jawline, "Forgive me?"
"Rue, I'm the one who should be asking for forgiveness."
He leaned his head back, tilting his chin up to look at her. She gazed down at him with the softest smile on her lips – such a turnaround from when he first found her in here. He was remarkably in awe of her; she had accomplished so much in such little time – and in truth, he couldn't be surprised. From day one he'd always fawned over her sense of self-control and atonement.
A woman sadly born into a world where apologies were never given to her, still made the most of her experience, making sure that at least they'd be received from her.
"You've already earned it—"
His eyebrows dipped as he noticed the water dripping from her arm. It was not clear like the rest of it – in fact, as she raised it to move her hair off her face, he realized that it was a dark pink, almost red color.
"Did you hurt yourself?" he questioned, changing the conversation quickly.
"I don't think so," she shrugged, "Why?"
He sucked his teeth and grabbed the hoodie, unzipping it. Slowly, he pulled her arm out of her sleeve. His mouth widened in horror as he noticed the four-inch gash that ran down the side of her arm. This must have been news to Rayne because her mouth dropped in equal shock.
"How did you not feel this?" he widened his eyes, touching it gently.
She flinched back, "I don't know."
"Do you have any idea how you could have gotten it?"
Rayne looked in the air for a second, probably trying to recollect her thoughts and memories. While she did that, he pulled her arm closer and looked at the edges of it. There seemed to be small particles of glass inside the wound too, making it bleed more than on its own.
She's gonna need stitches.
"I think it was from the car," she finally spoke.
"Car?"
"When I got hit by one."
Rueben looked at her with so much annoyance, it was astounding that she didn't fall dead in her spot from the heat of it. She just looked back at him like it was just part of any other casual conversation.
He stood up from the shower floor, holding her in his arms; he turned it off and pushed out of the bathroom, heading for the other side of the house – his office, where he kept the first aid kit.
"You're going to be the death of me, Red."
Or maybe my wet socks on hardwood will be—
"Well, you're going to be the life of me, Rue," she replied, placing her head on his shoulder.
Hot blush grew on the bridge of his nose at the sound of that.