Things had changed. I didn't know exactly why they did but after the ice cream surprise I saw Connor less and less. He'd show up randomly at my apartment and eat my food while making me watch some ridiculous reality tv show with him but then he'd leave and I wouldn't know when I'd see him next. I had tried to set up plans with him once but he'd dodged the invite and when I asked what he was doing that evening he just shrugged not wanting to answer.
I knew what he was going to be doing. I'd joined him enough times when he went to parties and drank the whole night, sleeping with whoever was there and willing. I'd dragged him home many times after one of those nights but something had shifted. He wasn't inviting me out and usually I wouldn't care and just invite myself but Connor seemed to not want me with him so I respected it. I didn't know what I did but he was pushing me away and I could do nothing to stop it.
So instead of being at a party with Connor I was at my apartment. I spent the night hanging out with my roommates Monroe and Becca. It wasn't always my favorite pass time to third wheel with the couple but tonight had been nice. We sat around had some drinks and watched a movie, one that Becca had talked through the whole time. But now it was getting late and I was in bed trying to get some sleep and not think about the boy that never seemed to leave my mind.
It wasn't long after I'd tried to go to bed that my bedroom door eased its way open and someone snuck in. I barely had to even raise my head up and look to know exactly who it was.
He didn't say anything as he made his way over to my bed and slipped under the covers behind me. The air was silent between us as he wrapped himself around me, his body pressed up against my own. I didn't dare break the silence, I was scared one word might spook him away from me and ruin this moment. I just let myself enjoy the little bit I got from him.
At least I tried to let myself enjoy it but being here with him so close somehow made me realize just how much I missed him. I missed Connor so much it actually hurt. He might have been physically here with me but he still felt so far away. I'd missed all the moments we had. The mornings I'd make breakfast and we'd joke around in the kitchen together. I missed when we would show up to a party together the way Connor would just let himself go pulling me in swaying around to the music. Those twenty minutes of fun he'd give me before turning away to get a drink and sleep with someone who wasn't me.
It was pathetic how I clung to those first moments of a party knowing how the night would end. But I had come to terms with the fact I would never be able to have Connor the way I wanted. One night was all I would ever get and I was lucky to have him in my life at all even if it was only as a friend.
"I love you Jet Plane." Connor's words slurred, his lips brushing against the back of my neck as he spoke.
Usually I held those words close to the heart. I took every drunken word and locked it up inside because I knew he'd never say them sober. Tonight they didn't feel the same, it almost hurt. It was a twist in my chest because I wanted so badly to hear him say those words when the sun came up, when he wasn't so drunk.
"Get some sleep." I whispered back.
I just laid there listening as his breaths evened out. And even after that when I knew he'd fallen asleep I just laid there wide awake. I laid there in his embrace and tried to not think about how his shirt was on backwards and his hair was a mess. I tried to not focus on the stench of alcohol and worry about how he had actually gotten here. I did my best to push that all out of my head and just sleep in his warmth.
—
I woke up first and instead of sticking around and laying in bed with Connor I got up and started my day letting him sleep as long as he wanted. He didn't stir until one o clock. Connor sat up in my bed and looked around a confused look on his face. The confusion only lasted a few seconds until his eyes landed on me where I was sat at my desk finishing up one of my discussion posts for a class.
"Good morning." He yawned as he stretched his body.
"It's afternoon." I told him looking back down at my laptop.
"We should do something, I don't want to waste the day." He hopped out of bed not able to sit still for very long.
"Like what?" I decided to do along with his idea because I really wanted to spend time with the boy.
He took a few seconds to think before his face lit up.
"Get up and get dressed." He smiled going to my closet to grab something for himself to wear.
"Are you going to tell me where we are going?" I asked getting up to do what he told me to.
"What's the fun in that?" He laughed and then he skipped out of the room to the bathroom, a pile of my clothes in his arms.
God I was so far gone for this guy it was actually becoming an issue. I was starting to get worried my feelings were written all over my face and my eyes were actually heart shaped every time I saw him. The thought of going out on a surprise outing made my heart thump loud and fast in my chest. As I got ready I pretended that this could actually be a date and not just another thing Connor was using to distract himself from things he never seemed to want to talk about.
The outing turned out to be bowling. Connor paid for a lane for us and I was hoping I might be able to hide the fact I was tragically bad at the game. Connor had gone first and it only took one turn for me to realize that he was actually pretty good at it.
When it was my turn I grabbed one of the balls and basically just threw it down the lane. There was no surprise that it went right into the gutter.
"Ok well that could've gone better." Connor chuckled as I walked back over to him.
"I'm terrible at bowling." I grumbled.
"Not terrible." He shook his head. "You are just throwing it without even trying. Keep your arm straight and try to get it to go down the middle of the lane." He advised.
"You make it sound so easy." I sighed and grabbed another ball.
"You got this!" Connor cheered as I tried again.
This time it didn't go straight into the gutter but it only clipped the side of the pins knocking two down.
"That was an improvement!" Connor raised his hand for a high-five.
I smacked my hand against his with a smile. Maybe this would turn out to be a fun time. I knew despite what my score ended up being that a day out with Connor was always fun.
I did improve over the game. I got a few more gutter balls but I managed to hit more than two pins down. Connor was destroying me, he had just gotten a strike which seemed sort of unfair. How was he so good at this game?
I let go of the ball and watched as it went down the center as best as any of the past rolls were. The ball smacked into the pins leaving just two on the left standing.
"Just take a few steps over and you should be able to get a spare." Connor instructed.
I listened and after I made my throw I watched the ball roll down right towards the last pins remaining. I felt the excitement as I watched them go down, meaning I had gotten my first spare.
"Oh my god!" I jumped up in the air with excitement.
I barely even thought about it as I threw myself towards Connor wrapping him in a hug.
"Good job." I could hear the smile in his voice.
A smile I needed to see so I moved my head back to look at him and just the sight took my breath away. He looked so happy as he smiled widely at me. I just wanted to kiss him, I wanted to feel his lips against mine again. So I didn't hold myself back as I leaned forward to close the distance between us.
At least I tried to close the distance. I was so close to him and then he turned his head away from me his smile dropping slightly.
"My turn." His hands dropped from around me and he just walked over to take his turn.
Rejection. That was all I could feel, that pain swirled in my chest ripping me apart at the seams. I had known what Connor and I were. I had known that night was a one time thing but still sometimes I let myself hope for something more only for it to hurt so much more when the realization hits.
Connor and I were just friends and that wasn't going to change. He didn't have the feelings that I did and even if he did have feelings for me he didn't have any plans to act on them.
I did my best to not let my disappointment show when Connor walked back from his turn. He barely even looked at me. I knew I had ruined the day, we were having fun and I had fucked it all up.
"I'm going to go grab something to drink." Connor nodded to the food and drink area.
I just nodded and watched him walk away. He was going to drink, get drunk and that might have hurt more than the rejection. This time it was my fault he was drowning himself in a bottle. I was the thing he was trying to escape.
I had never felt shittier.