I walked up the ramp of the OBGYN office while my dad held the door for me.
"Merci beaucoup, Papa," I said, walking inside.
It felt a little silly bringing my dad into an office where they basically examined vaginas and the things that came out of them, but my dad was here for it. He was the only guy sitting there in that waiting room full of women as I filled out my new patient paperwork.
"I wish I brought in one of my pens with my special grips on them," I said under my breath, trying to write the name of one of my medications. "This tiny little thing is awful."
"Do you want me to do it?" my dad asked.
"No, I got it," I said, struggling to no-end with this awful, narrow, and slippery pen.
Once all my meds were written down on that last page, I walked back up to the front, dropped off the paperwork, and stood by the fish tank on the other end of the room. There was no point in sitting all the way back down if someone was going to come out and get me in just a few minutes.
The door across the room opened a few minutes later. "Zuri?"
I walked over and the lady in the scrubs gave me a nice smile. She let me into a room down the hall.
"My name is Brittany, and I'll be doing your ultrasound today," she said. "We'd typically have you change into a gown, but would it be easier for you to just take your bottoms off?"
"My...shorts?"
"Yes, your baby is just a little too tiny to see on an abdominal ultrasound, so we'll be doing a transvaginal ultrasound today." And here I was, thinking this was going to be a good day. "Will you need a hand getting up on the table?"
"Well..." I looked at the examination table. It wasn't as high up as I thought it would be. "It'll take me a minute, but I think I can manage."
"Okay. I'll give you some time to get settled."
Brittany left the room and I undid the velcro of my shorts, took them off, and placed them on the nearby chair. I hid my embarrassing flower panties inside them. I really thought I wouldn't be taking any clothes off and just having the wand on my stomach. Shows how much I know about pregnancy and babies. This pregnancy is really off to a great start here.
I used my crutches for support and managed to get myself up on the table, then cover my lower half with the sheet I was given. My feet weren't getting up into those stirrups though. That just wasn't happening.
Brittany knocked on the door a few minutes later. I gave her an awkward smile.
"I did the best I could. If you don't mind lifting my legs, I'll be okay," I said.
"Sure thing," Brittany said. She lowered the stirrups and lifted my legs into them, but I was having trouble supporting them in that position. My nervous shaking didn't help at all either. "You're doing great, Zuri."
She got the machine prepped and started the ultrasound. It was pretty uncomfortable at first, but I just kind of dealt with it and hoped it would be over soon.
"Okay, I definitely see a baby," Brittany said. "Very tiny, but it's there. You look like you're about four and a half weeks along, I'd say maybe four weeks and five days. Would you like to see?"
"Yes! Of course!" I said.
"Okay. Here's your baby," she said, turning the monitor towards me. "This dark area is your gestational sac, and right here, this little itty bitty white spot is your baby."
I squinted at the screen. Wow. I don't even get the blob I was hoping for. The baby was the size of a tiny little speck.
"Wow," I said, trying to hide my disappointment.
"It's probably too early for me to get a heartbeat, but if it's alright with you, I'd like to try. How are your legs doing?"
"I feel like I'm going to fall any second," I said. "But I really want to hear the heartbeat."
"Okay, let's see," Brittany said. She pressed a button on the machine, and there was a faint thump-thump sound. "Ah, we've got one!"
She turned the volume up, and I watched my little dot fade in and out on the screen as the thumping sound echoed through that tiny, dark room. It was official: my day was amazing now. Brittany stopped the heartbeat, then printed some pictures for me before taking that awful wand out of my crotch. My legs dropped off the stirrups.
"Baby is extremely healthy. From what I saw, they look great," Brittany said, handing me the photos.
"Thank you so much," I said.
She turned the lights back on and I put my shorts back on. Then, Brittany brought me down the hall to another examination room. I decided to have a seat in the nearby chair for the time being.
A nurse came in and was able to take all of my vitals. Everything looked good. I couldn't believe it. Maybe everything was really turning around.
"Okay, you're all set, Zuri. Doctor Andrews will be in for you in just a few minutes," the nurse said as she walked out the door.
"Great. Thank you," I said.
She left and I took my phone out of my pocket. I had it on silent for a few hours because I was watching TV and napping when I got home. I felt like I'd made a huge mistake. There were texts all over the place from my friends and Elliot, and there were even some from his mom, Kathleen.
Emmi: You weren't at lunch u ok? The pizza was actually good today.
Luci: Girl, where you at? I saw Elliot emptying his locker! Is he expelled? Tf happened???
Elliot: I love you so much. How could you do this to me?
I don't want to go to Edgewood. Why? Why do you have to torture me like this?
I can't live without you. I don't want to live anymore. I have no reason to live!
Have a nice life without me. Goodbye.
Kathleen: Hi Zuri. I'm at OFG with Eliott. He swallowed his whole bottle of Xanax. They need to pump his stomach.