Amanda
*
I woke up with a headache that made my head feel like a coconut about to be cracked open. Groggily, I got out of bed and squinted at my surroundings. The hangovers were often rough, but they hardly deterred me when I was determined for an escape. That was something that needed attention, but I put it off for another day, like I always did.
I was having a hard time recalling some parts of last night, and even the ones I could remember were smudged and incoherent. I could vaguely remember leaving the hotel with Finn, but everything after that was murky. How I managed to get changed out of my outfit and find my way to my bed was a mystery too.
I grabbed a bottle of Tylenol and headed to the kitchen for a glass of water but stopped in my tracks at the sight of a pizza box on the counter. Slowly, I pulled the lid up and picked up a slice. It was still warm. I dropped it and spun around the same moment Nate walked in.
"Hey, about time you got up." He casually walked past me and grabbed the pizza. "You weren't answering the door or your phone, so I let myself in. I was kinda worried about you. You look hungover."
He left the kitchen while I stood, brain buffering and taking three times the amount of time it usually did to absorb information. I shook myself out of it, fetched a glass of water and downed two pills. I gulped the rest of the water and filled the cup again.
Nate was sat cross-legged on a couch with his attention glued to his laptop.
"I'm guessing the party was a blast last night?"
I sat next to him and reached for the pizza. "Thanks for the food, I'm starving." I took a large bite and sunk into the seat.
"Anytime."
"I drank too much and now my head feels like a brick." And the lights were blinding and my stomach was eating me inside out.
"Must have been fun. You mentioned they're friends of F-" he halted. "Him. Right?"
Him. Was it really him yesterday, and not by some chance just my imagination? The memory of his green eyes was vivid in my head, and it brought an ache to my chest.
"It's okay. You can say his name," I said and filled my mouth with another bite. Nate had one eyebrow raised. I wasn't looking at him directly, but I could just sense it. "Since he was at the wedding yesterday, and brought me home."
I turned to see the expression on his face, and just as I'd expected, he sat up in alarm. "Wait, he was at the wedding?! He's in New York??"
I sighed. "You can say his name. Really."
"Who gives a shit about his name? I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that you were in the same room with him! How was it? Are you okay?" He looked worried, like I was a highly inflammable item and Finn was an open flame.
"I'm fine now, I think. But yesterday, I was completely blindsided. Natalie and Elliot weren't expecting him to come. She specifically made it clear he wasn't going to when she gave me the invite."
"Why would he change his mind and show up unannounced?"
I shook my head. "I don't know. He's best friends with Elliot, maybe he changed his mind at the last minute. He's leaving today, though."
"It was kind of him to bring you home."
I shrugged, picking at my fourth slice. "I'm sure Natalie put him up to it. I was out of it, and he probably didn't want to anyway."
I think he hates me, Nate. There was so much pain in his eyes, and it haunts me.
He didn't say anything for a while, until, "Your mom called me yesterday. She was very worried about you, and asked me to check on you. Is everything alright?"
"So you didn't bring me pizza out of the goodness of your heart? I'm hurt," I forced out a laugh, but it had always been hard to pretend around Nate. He could see through my façade faster than anyone else.
"Come on, I'm being serious."
I brought my knees up and sighed. "I may have had a nervous breakdown. I called you, but you were busy, so I called her."
"I'm sorry I wasn't available when you needed me."
I pouted at the all too serious expression on his face. "Hey, it's fine! You've always come through for me. I appreciate you a lot."
He didn't say anything, opting to stare past me. If there was one thing I would hate for him to feel, it would be guilt over my wellbeing, when he had been a lot more helpful than I would have asked. There was a white envelope on the table, right underneath my phone. I grabbed the both of them.
"What's this?"
"The results of the gender test. Go through your phone, I left a bunch of messages."
Sure enough, I had quite the number of missed calls and texts since last night. A good number of them were from Nate and a couple from Natalie. I found it thoughtful that she kept tabs on me, especially on her wedding night when she was bound to be occupied by one thing or the other. There was a text from Jamie from an hour ago.
Jamie
9:12 A.M.
hey, what's up? FaceTime later?
I sent a reply.
Me
10:05 A.M.
sure
I got into a comfortable position on the couch and played Nate's voicemail with my phone pressed to my ear.
"Aw, Sienna's so cute and excited. Time for the big reveal," I rubbed my hands together with an exaggerated grin on my face before opening the envelope. Nate stared sourly at me from the top of this laptop.
"You're something else," he said with a shake of his head before directing his gaze back at the screen.
"And you're just jealous I get to see first."
"I'm starting to think Sienna and I made a mistake picking you to do this."
"Too late!"
I got out the result and read through it. My eyebrows shot up. A boy. I let out an excited squeal that intensified the throbbing in my head by a hundred fold.
Nate jumped and stared incredulously at me. "What is wrong with you, woman?"
I beamed at him. Girl or boy didn't matter to me, just the fact that Nate was having a child in a matter of months which had just become a lot more real with the paper in my hands was sending me over the moon.
"I have to start planning the reveal right now," I grabbed my phone and got on Pinterest. "What theme would you like?"
He shrugged. "Whatever Sienna wants."
"I have to give her a call later," I muttered as I absentmindedly scrolled through my phone. The doorbell went off and my heart thudded. Why did I suddenly find it harder to breathe?
"Are you expecting anyone?" Nate asked. I shook my head and got off the couch. With each step I took towards the door, the anticipation in my stomach grew. And in the chaos of my emotions was a flicker of hope. I knew it was pathetic feeling this way, but I held on to it, like a beacon in a storm.
I looked through the peephole and the noise quieted. It wasn't him.
I opened the door to reveal a man in uniform. "Hi, I've got a delivery for Amanda Reed." The emblem on his purple shirt read Tide Laundry Services.
"I'm sorry, I didn't order anything." I turned around to Nate who was watching us from afar. He shrugged. I returned my gaze to the delivery man who I noted was holding a large garment bag.
"This is apartment twenty-four, right?" He stepped back to confirm.
"Yeah."
He got out a tablet from a cross bag and looked at it. "Well I've got a dress that came in last night for cleaning by a Finn Harris. We were instructed to deliver it here."
"A dress?" And then it all came crashing- the memory of me vomiting on his shoes, then on my dress. Of me taking it off and him helping me to bed. The words we exchanged weren't clear, but I remembered him being persistently cross with me.
My eyes went wide and I snatched the bag from him. "Yes. Right place. Thank you." And shut the door behind me.
"You forgot to sign!"
I reopened it and grinned at him. "Sorry about that." He handed over his tablet with a pen and I signed on it.
"Have a nice day."
"You too." Even if you think I'm crazy.
I walked back to the couch, set the bag aside, fell to my knees and buried my head in a throw pillow in a weak attempt to save myself from the monumental shame and embarrassment I felt.
"I'm confused. What's going on?"
"I want the ground to open up and swallow me."
"And why?"
I rose my head up. "I got stupid drunk yesterday and when Finn brought me home, I puked on him! And on myself! I'm so fucking stupid. I just recalled how much of a shit show I was last night." I pointed to the bag. "And he got my dress laundered! And he helped my dumbass to bed!"
"Go easy with the insults. I'm sure he wasn't as pissed about it as you think he was."
"Oh, I don't think he was pissed. I know he was."
"Then for someone who dated him, you know nothing about Finn."
I grit my teeth. "He isn't the same, Nathaniel! He's changed. He isn't my Finn anymore. How can I get you to understand that?"
"Amanda," his voice was soft, "you're crying."
I froze. My fingers felt my face and sure enough, there were tears streaming down. I wasn't even that upset, why was I crying? I assumed a sitting position on the floor, leaned my head back and took steady breaths. Nate remained quiet.
Like I wasn't already on a self loathing row, a new thought came to mind. My gaze travelled to the floor in front of my door.
"Nate?"
"Yeah?"
"I puked on the floor over there, but now it's clean."
"Huh. That's a mystery."
The implication was clear, but I didn't say anything at first, until, "Mystery indeed."
*
"Are you for real?" Jamie's eyebrows shot up and his jaw fell for what felt like the tenth time in the mere five minutes we had been talking. "Tell me you're joking."
"I'm not joking."
"I understand that him bringing you home could be something he did out of obligation, like you insist it was, but all that other stuff you mentioned? No. That is on a whole new level. A nurture level."
"He's left New York."
He paused and titled his head. He was formerly in a lying position on a couch but was sat now. "And you let him?" He asked like it was the worst thing I could ever do.
"What do you mean, I let him? What was I going to do, keep him hostage?" I sounded offended and defensive rolled into one.
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Well, did you at least tell him all the things you told me?" He asked, and when I said nothing, he groaned. "Oh my God, Amanda."
"Well, it's not as easy as you think it is!"
"I know, I know, but the thing is- you have limited chances. And that might've been your only one. He might never come back, and if he does come back, you might never get the chance to see him again."
His words were like salt to an injury, and I felt the sudden need to remain in bed and mourn my reality for as long as I could. And right now, that felt like a really long time.
Someone scurried behind Jamie, barely giving me enough time to catch their face. "Hey Jamie, where are you?"
"I'm at Anita's. She's forcing me to spend my precious day off watching her simp after her crush."
"Hey!" A female voice exclaimed. "Who are you telling my business?"
"Only Amanda, relax."
Anita suddenly appeared behind Jamie and snatched his phone away. "Oh, hi, Amanda! How's it going over there?"
The Anita I knew didn't really care for extravagant shows of fashion. I could count how many times I had seen her on makeup in one hand. In my opinion, she was gorgeous with or without it, but today she had her luminous dark skin accentuated with highlighter and her lips were glossy. That was definitely suspicious.
"Hi, Anita. It's going okay. What was he saying about a crush?"
She glared at Jamie. "Ignore my idiot brother. It's just my friend from the studio who's having her first exhibition this evening."
Jamie snorted. "Just your friend? Weren't you fantasizing about living between her legs just the other- ow! That hurt!"
"That's the point!"
"Give me back my phone!"
I chuckled silently, watching them go back and forth in hopes of distracting myself from the realities of my own life, even if it was only for the duration of the call.
*
*
*
please click the star button if you enjoyed the chapter!