"You look pretty."
Jaces voices comes from behind me as she grabs a ring she left on my nightstand. I look at myself in the mirror. Taylor's pink dress is shaping my hips, making me wanna throw a jacket over myself. I direct my eyes to Jaces behind me, her gaze stuck on the back of me. Was she looking at my ass? I feel a sudden tingling throughout my body. My ears get hot and I grab my dark grey sweater from my bed. I slip it on and see Jace turn back to her boots that are sitting on the floor. Why did I keep feeling like...that? Whenever she looked at me a certain way it touched me in a certain place. It was like my head blanked and I wanted her off of me so it would stop. But everytime she did stop, I wanted the blankness again. I found myself waiting for it. I don't know what is wrong with me.
"Don't get all self conscious. You have an ass to die for and for once, Taylor did something right by giving you that dress."
Jace winks at me in the mirror and my eyes widen. She was looking at my ass. I wrap the sweater around me tightly and turn to her. Her eyes scan my face, probably trying to find out why I was acting so odd. Her crop top and cargo shorts showed a lot of skin. A belly button ring peeks out from under the blue shirt. God damn she was hot.
"Bee? You good?"
I blink and try not to hit myself for starting at her belly button. Who the hell stares at someone's belly button?
"Yea I'm fine. Just didn't notice the new jewelry."
I point to her stomach and a smile appears on her face. She had nice teeth.
"Yep. Mother and Father were not happy about my "bodily mutation". But fuck that, I look sexy with my piercings."
Jace laughs and I nod my head. She definitely did. Not that I thought she was sexy. Just in a friend way. A total friend way.
"Steven said that their waiting in the car for us."
Jace stomps each of her boots once and opens the door. I grab my phone and shove it in my sweater pocket, turning off the lamp light behind me. Jace closes the door behind me and we make our way down the steps.
"Cmon girls! First summer bonfire!"
Jere waves his hand towards the car as he holds the door open for us. We pass him, making our way to the car. Jace goes ahead again, opening the door for me. I slide in and she slides in after me. I don't move this time. Our thighs touch and our shoulders meet. I can feel the blankness somewhat. It's not strong enough but it's there.
"You're not gonna move over?"
Jace doesn't ask rudely. She genuinely wants to know. I lay my head on her shoulder. She tenses and then releases, her hand grabbing mine and sitting it in her lap.
"No. I think I'm comfy here."
I nuzzle closer to her neck and her fingernails scratch lightly against the back of my hand. I see Stevens eyes glance at us for a moment. He asks me a question in his gaze but I just ignore it. I wanted to see where this feeling was coming from. Where it would take me if I leaned into it long enough. Conrad opened the other passenger door and I could see him pause at the sight of us. He climbed into the car and Steven took off. We stayed like that the entire drive. Our hands together and bodies touching. Once we pull up and park, Steven and Jere are immediately the first out the car. Conrad pauses for a moment. He doesn't say anything. He hops out and joins them.
"We should probably get out."
Jaces voice makes her chest buzz and I nod.
"Yea. Yea we probably should."
I sit and and take my hand away from hers. The buzz goes away and I'm left with the needy feeling once again. Why was this happening to me? Jaces opens her door and steps out. I follow behind her. I slam the door harder then I meant to. Jace jumps a little and my jaw tightens. My head was still a little fuzzy and I apparently didn't know my own strength.
"Is it closed?"
Jace smiles and I giggle. I never giggle. What the hell was she doing to me?
"How about we go find a nice quiet corner to sit in and chill there? I know you're not really a party person so I'll hang with you."
Jace lightly bumps our shoulders and I smile.
"Ok."
We walk onto the sand and I can already see the boys. Conrad is sitting in the corner talking to some girl and Steven is with Jeremiah. They're already nursing red solo cups and I sigh. I didn't wanna drink. I mean, I did. Of course I did. But I felt like if I drank, id do something stupid. Something that my mind already knew it wanted but wouldn't tell me. I suddenly feel something slip into my hand and I look to my right. Jaces hand was slipped into mine and she nodded towards a rock at the edge of the party. I become hyper aware of the fact that my hands are very sweaty and she doesn't seem to care. Or maybe she was just being nice. I follow as she drags me towards the rock and helps me sit down. She lets go of my hand to take her seat and I sigh.
"You ok?"
Shit. I sighed like a weird idiot. She thinks I'm an idiot doesn't she? She's probably thinking "this girl is all over me and that's so we-"
"Belly!"
Her hand is on my knee again and I come back to reality.
"Sometimes I get worried about your listening skills Bells."
I roll my eyes and giggle again. God I had to stop doing that.
"Why do you keep zoning out? Is something wrong?"
I didn't exactly have an answer for that question. Overall, yes. There was nothing going on in my life that made me sad or angry or annoyed. But something inside of me was...messed up. Everytime she touched me I went insane. I had weird thoughts and feelings. I shouldn't be feeling like this. I know I shouldn't. As good as it can feel, it also hurts. My head hurts from how from how much it makes me think. My stomach feels hollow, like I was in trouble for feeling this way. Whatever "this way" was. So I settle for a shrug.
"No. Just random stuff."
Jace shakes her head and crosses her legs.
"Nope. Your holding back on me Bee. What's wrong?"
Jaces gaze stays on me. I feel the pit in my stomach deepen and I begin to realize that maybe this feeling is because of her. She was messing me up inside. A small surge of anger comes over me.
"I'm not. Just leave me alone Jocelyn."
Jaces face drops and I shut my mouth. She scoffs and scratches her neck.
"Jeez Belly. I thought you were the nice one of us."
"I am."
She gives me a confused look and I try to not slap myself.
"I just...I've just been confused lately."
I tap my fingers on my knee, where her hand was.
"And I really don't mean to take it out on you it's just..."
I can't find the words. What was it? Why did she makes me feel "that way"? Why did I hate her for it? Why did I hate myself? It felt unnatural. Like I was gross for realizing small details about her or staring at her for too long. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea either. All that stuff from when we were kids was over now. We'd never spoken about to and we didn't need to. I was straight and she was gay. Simple as that.
"I know"
My head snaps up. She knew? She knew about my bad thoughts and inappropriate feelings? I felt my body go cold and Jace smiles.
"You can take your anger out on me. I don't care. You don't have to tell me about what's happening either. But I do want you to know that I'm here for you. For whatever. Ok?"
Jaces hand lands on my shoulder and I finally allow myself to breath. She didn't know. I give her a weak smile.
"Thanks Jace."
A yell comes from near the fire and we both turn our heads. Conrad is in some kind of argument with a guy. The girl he was with earlier is trying to separate them and failing to do so.
"We should probably go."
I stand with Jace and we run over. Jere and Steven have now joined, trying to stop the two from throwing eachother into the fire. It happens so fast that I barely even register it. The guys elbow meets my cheek and I fall onto the sand. I hear a few people gasp and Jace is immediately by my side.
"Bells? You ok?"
Her face is soft and full of concern. It makes me wanna cry.
"Yea I'm fine."
My voice wavers and I feel my eyes tearing up. Jace helps me up and she puts my arm around her neck. Jeremiah is now holding a drunk Conrad back and the guy is walking away. Steven throws Jace the keys.
"It's time to go."
Jace nods to Steven and we start to walk back to the car. Her arm is around my waist and her hand is resting on my stomach. I let out a small sob and Jace immediately starts to rub my side.
"It's ok Bells. We're safe and good now, ok?"
Jace unlocks the car and I let out another sob. She opens the back seat door for me and I slide in. Her hands move my hair out of my face as I continue crying.
"Don't cry Bee. I'll be right back ok?"
Jace rubs my cheek and shuts the door. I immediately break down. My cries are loud and uncontrollable. It hurt so much. All of it. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted the shame to go away. I wanted to stop feeling like I was dirty all the time. I bring my legs to my chest and lay my head on my knees. The opposite door opens and I see Conrad.
"Get in. Stay."
Jeremiah's voice is strict. Conrad practically falls into his seat and Jeremiah shuts the door. His movements are slow. His head turns to me.
"Are you crying because you got hit? Or because of Jocelyn?"
I don't answer him. My tears come back and I violently sob into the gap between my knees. Conrad seems to ignore me, allowing my sobs to fill the car. Someone knocks on Conrad's window. We both jump and see a cop standing outside the glass. Her muffled voice comes from outside.
"Have you kids been drinking?"
Fuck.